Tripping At A Music Festival

I grew up poor, and my dad was also pretty cheap. And because of that, I've missed out on a lot of experiences. And I grew up, man, I'm bummed that I did this, but I grew up through my 20s and 30s. Like, if I saw a steak on the menu that was $24, and I saw a chicken that was $17, I'd be like, come on, I should get the chicken. Even though I wanted the steak. Do you know what I mean? Like, I ******* hate that my dad put that in my head. So what I've started to do is, listen, guys, it's important not to be willy-nilly with your ******* money, but if you've got $100 and it's between saving $100 And going to a concert you've always wanted to see, go to that ******* concert. Here's the deal. A year from now, you're not going to have any idea where that $100 went, but you'll remember the concert. So make some ******* memories while you can still make some memories, all right? So. Taking that into account, last September, I got to see six bands in one weekend, all on the bucket list. Now, I spent more than I should have on this concert. It was old cello. It was Coachella for old people. Did anybody go? Did you know what I'm talking about? It was the Stones, the Who, McCartney, Neil Young, Roger Waters, and Bob Dylan, all on the same weekend! It was amazing! Has anyone in here ever seen Bob Dylan before? Yeah, he eats a bag of dicks, that ************. He's so bad! Did he play any hits when you saw him? One ******* hit! Dude, just one hit! Are you kidding me? And I was so mad. I'm like, play Tangled Up In Blue. And the guy next to me was like, yeah, well, it's Bob Dylan. He's earned the right to play what he wants. And I would agree with you if he's playing in his own ******* living room. But he wasn't. There were 90,000 people there who paid a lot of ******* money. Play Tangled Up In Blue, you piece of beef jerky. **** you! I will fight Bob Dylan right now, I'll tell you that right now. I'll fight that ************. I think I got a shot at Bob Dylan. I'd like to hit him once just to hear him go, And go, hey, I just. Just so quick. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. But on the way in, right, I told my brothers. I'm like, hey guys, I'm taking mushrooms this weekend. And they were like, which night? I said, did you hear me? This weekend. And they were like, why are you going to do that by yourself? And I said, no, there's gonna be 90,000 people there. And they were like, you don't know any of them. I was like, well, I'm gonna. You got it? Now, okay, so, and by the way, I did it out of respect for the bands we were going to see. I felt like they would want me to be fucked up, right? So, a bit out of curiosity, round of applause, and I'm assuming this will be a larger round of applause than in most cities, people who have taken mushrooms before. Let's give it up for him. Guys! I was in Huntsville, Alabama last weekend. I asked that question, and one dude goes, I got some on my salad right now. And I was like, is that what I'm talking about? I'm not, uh... So after Dylan, I was like, I'm taking the mushrooms now. I'm not putting myself through another disappointing show. Now, following Dylan was The Stones, and I had never seen The Stones And so, uh, and by the way, sitting next to me was this old Hispanic couple, and the dude had those, like, the round, tiny glasses, and he had a tiny ponytail, you know, one of these, and it was pulled tight, so dude looked surprised the whole show, like. So, I watched his back the entire concert. Two and a half, so about five minutes before the music starts, I get my first little warm hug, and I'm like, ah. Ah! I'm like, this is about to be the best night of my ******* life, right? And so the guy next to me, he turns to me and he goes, hey, man. And I go, hey. And he goes, what's your name? I said, Josh. And he said, who do you think the best rock band of all time is, Josh? And listen, guys, I'm about to trip balls, right? Right? So the last thing I want to do is have a conversation with the Mexican John Lennon. Do you know what I mean? Like, I'm on Pasadena on that right ******* now, right? So I just tell him what I think is going to answer the stop-most conversation. I said, the Beatles. And he goes, whoa, man, it's the Stones. She and I have seen the Stones 66 times. Shh. And she said, yeah, and we re-fall in love every show. And I was like, yeah, isn't that sweet? And I said, that's going to be very cool for me to watch the Stones for the first time next to people who have seen them 66 times. And I'm going to watch them re-fall in love right in front of my face that the belt would melt off my ******* skull. You know what I mean? I'm telling them, I hope you don't mind watching this concert next to the Ghost Rider because I'm not for sure what's going to happen from here on out, you know? So, and then start in, and I'm like, oh my God, right? I couldn't believe what was happening. Not kidding. 10 minutes in, dude turns to me and he goes, hey man. And I go, hey. And he goes, what's your name? And I was like, Josh. And he goes, who do you think the best rock and roll band of all time is, Josh? And for a second I thought, oh my God, these mushrooms are amazing. I was like, this is the most visceral deja vu I've ever had in my entire life. And honestly, I'm not going to lie to you, for a second I thought, I can see the ******* future. Like, I know how this conversation ends. Oh, I'm going to see this concert twice. **** yeah! But we did the whole thing. 66 times, we fall in love. Not kidding. No joke. 12 minutes later, dude turns to me and he goes, hey man. Okay. And I go, don't you ask me that ******* question again, dude. And his wife goes to me, you'll have to excuse him, shh. He's done a lot of drugs, he doesn't have any short-term memory. And I was like, well, no wonder you got to see the Stones 66 ******* times. And just so you know, you don't re-fall in love. He thinks he bangs some chick at the Stones concert every weekend. Not as romantic as you think it is, man, I'm just saying. And then, I will tell you what the true privilege of my life being there that weekend was watching a generation of people... Watch their idols for the last time. Guys, so cool to see. So cool to see. Because they were partying without inhibition. Look, if we saw a bar full of 65-year-old people upstairs getting fucked up, you'd be like, go home. Yeah, you'd make a group decision. You're like, hey, all of you, you need to go. Right? But this concert was for them. It was for them to come and relive a snapshot of their life. So they partied without inhibition. And it was amazing to see. And because of that, there was a lot of old white guy dance circles popping up all over the place. If you haven't seen one of those. When I say dance circle, there was a lot of two-gun salutes. And you could tell when they liked the song. You know why? The guns went up in the air. Right? There was one guy near me doing a lot of the pencil. And then near me also, there was a big guy doing kicks like this. He had to go like 240, big dude. He's kicking, he's like, yeah! And I was like, look at the big guy go! Like, he's killing it! And then big guy just collapses. And I was like, oh no! ------- river danced himself to death. And he's not moving. And I'm like, oh, this dude is in ******* trouble, right? So they come in, EMTs come, they put him on a stretcher, wheel him out, you know. And he's saying that his eyes are closed, and one of his friends who's near me leans over and goes, dude has to be like mid-60s or something. And he leans over and he goes, hey man, you're going to be okay. And the guy just opens his eyes and he goes, yeah, I'm just really tired. And his friend said, what? He goes, yeah, I got tired from dancing around, so I laid down on the ground. And then the EMT said, yeah, I can't lay here. And I told him, I'm not ******* getting up, I'm too tired. And the EMT said, if you don't get up, sir, we're going to have to wheel you out of here. And I said, that actually sounds kind of nice. That ---- got a little weird. I'll There was about a 280, 290 pound dude running around shirtless doing this to people. be right And I'm watching him and I'm like, oh, I really hope he doesn't come over here, you know? You know, like... So he comes over and his belly's all sweaty. back. So there's like tracers flying off of his stomach and his whole stomach's moving all at once. And I'm like, I'm never looking away. Get out of the way. I knew I was going to get ******* trapped in that thing, right? And then he said something to me that I promise you. That has never been uttered before in the history of human beings. He shakes his belly at me and he looks at me and he goes, Hey! I go, what's up? He goes, how many knuckles deep do you think you can go on my belly button? I go, what? He goes, how many knuckles deep? I go, none. None knuckles deep, dude. Zero knuckles deep. And he goes, why not? I was like, well why would I? And he goes, everybody's doing it. And I go, who? Who the **** is doing that? And he goes, everybody. Now look, guys, I'm shrooming. You know what I mean? And I don't want to be the only guy who doesn't finger **** this dude's belly button, you know what I mean? I don't want to be Debbie Downer, you know what I mean? I want to be part of the group. So I go to him, I go, uh... I go, well, what finger should I use? And he goes, he goes, I'd use the index. I go, okay. Guys, wait, it gets so much worse. So I go to lube up my finger, right? And he goes, nah, you won't need lube. And I was like, uh... Oh, that's good news for me. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Just ******* with room to spare, right? And I look at him, I go, we got room to spare, big fella. And he goes, okay. And I go to pull my finger out. And you know when you put your finger in one of those Chinese finger locks? Thank you very much. And for whatever reason, when you try to pull it out, it clamps down on it. I couldn't get my finger out of his ******* belly button. I went full palm on this dude's stomach. Like, yeah. Because there's no way I'm going out like that, right? I'm like, come on. And it just popped out, right? As soon as it pops out, he looks at me and he goes, I need to do it! I was doing that. He goes, who would do that? I go, that's what I want. Now, let's get into a little truth time. You ready for a little truth time? Truth? Truth time. As a man, as a man, as a man, I had to fight every fiber in my body not to smell that finger one ******* time. Don't yuck me, you hypocritical ************. You've raised your nuts. The first thing you do is smell them. You've got a unicorn on your finger. You're never going to smell that ---- again. Now listen, I did it. I did it. I did it. I did not do it. I did not do it. I did it. I didn't. I gave my brother a Dirty Sanchez and I was like, hey dude, What does that smell like? He walked around the whole day like this. Hey, what was that? What was that? What was that? Because that's the type of asshole I am.