Which player would make a good referee?

Like, can you imagine Mourinho sitting there in the dugout and he sees Wenger coming out to ref his team? It's going to be like in the office when Brent sees his blind dates. He said, if you read about him in a book, you'd chuck it in the sea. What does that mean? That's why he's banned from his local library. It's like when you find out that teachers have lives outside of school. Yeah, you do. He's a ref. Yes. This is 442's 442's combining the Barkisman, Bowlers and Beyond into a random eleven and today we've got a team of players who would make a good referee. Yeah. All right we'll start with the goalkeepers. Things got off to a really interesting start last week when you named the same goalkeeper. Yeah yeah yeah. What are the chances of that happening again? And has anyone picked Simon Mignolet? Because that's who I've gone for. Why? Okay. He has a degree in politics. And speaks four languages fluently. And I thought if you're going to be a good referee, you understand, you know, kind of arguments, you understand how to resolve a dispute, and you can do it four different languages, which probably covers most of the players that were in this fictitious Premier League fixture. That's a sensible opening. That's a good start. Yeah, it's a very good start, actually. I can't argue with that. Not sure. Yeah, I'm not sure I can. What have you gone for? I think there's a chance that Mark and I have gone for the same player. Not again. But I doubt it. I'd say there's a chance. But I've gone for Petr Cech. I've not gone with Petr Cech. Ooh, okay. Because, you know, it's cross sports, cross disciplines. You know, he likes his ice hockey as well. They are allowed to fight in ice hockey. They are allowed to fight, but it means that there's nothing he hasn't seen. You've not got a referee who's running away from the fracas that's happening on the touchline or in the middle of the pitch. You know, he's big enough. He's going to have the necessary protection in case, you know, there are the flailing limbs between two players. Does he need the hat to be the referee? He doesn't. Yeah, for insurance purposes. Yeah, absolutely. Imagine him wearing it though. He goes to the FA Cup final, picks the ball up and he's wearing the cap. They did write it into FIFA, didn't they? Yeah, negotiations. So I think, aesthetically, that's kind of what I've gone for as well. I just think it works. And you know what? Every interview that I've read with him and watched, he seems like quite a mild-mannered bloke. Quite well-spoken. Kind of got his head screwed on. He's another one who speaks a lot of languages. He does speak a lot of languages. When he was at Arsenal, he had a back four of Bellerin, Uh... Khashoggi, Mertesacker, and I want to say it was somebody else of a different nationality, and he'd speak to them all in different languages. I think it was Kieran Gibbs. Essentially, anyway. That's brilliant. Speak to them all in different languages. Also, the referee's kit is so boring that a hat might spice it up. Yeah, exactly. It's true. Yeah. Yeah. Bringing the Met Gala to the Barclays. Yeah. It's a catwalk now. Who have you gone for? So, I kind of feel like you need a, are you familiar with the story of Batman? I am, yes. Yes, or Superman or Spider-Man. So it tends to be that in, I don't watch a lot of superheroes, but they tend to have a moment in their life where they're sort of a gifted person or rich, and then something happens, something tragic, something awful, and they dedicate their life to putting things right. Where is this guy? You're talking about an origin story. Yeah, so I've gone with Peter Shelton. Okay. Right. Yeah. After the hand of God, right, he would become... I'm applauding. I'm applauding. He would become the most, like, dedicated referee. He would want to put anything like that right ever again. Just so no one felt what he felt. Now, I know that if I went for a drink with Peter Shelton, we would have very little in common. We wouldn't, you know, we wouldn't vibe, really. He's not... We're not on the same... He's not... I'm not on his level more than anything. Um, but. But the one thing I truly respect about him is that he has held on to that grudge for what is 40 years against Maradona. Like, even Gary Lineker has said, well, the referee shouldn't have spotted it, the linesman shouldn't have spotted it. Chilton's like, no, no, I'm holding on to this. Maradona's gone. And Shelton is still holding on to this, like, burning resentment that that goal was allowed. And I just think that would light a fire in him to... To become the Pierre Luigi Collina of today. He's brilliant. Yeah, it has to be Sheldon, doesn't it? If these mics weren't so sensitive, I'd give you a standing ovation. Yeah, that's why I was kind of, I had to say it, I'm applauding. Yeah, yeah. That is sensational. Right, Peter Shelton it is. Move on to your right back, we'll reverse the order. Who did I go for? Yeah, I've gone a bit more boring on this one, and I've gone for a man who Pep Guardiola describes as the most intelligent footballer he ever worked with, Philipp Lahm. No, I didn't think about that. It's very, very, very dull, but so are referees. I feel like I might have put a German in there somewhere, because it feels like... I mean, I know firsthand, Germans love a rule. They do. They love a rule. They love enforcing rules. They love enforcing rules. And my god, yeah, Philipp Lahm discovered that. Jaywalking in Germany. Oh really? They don't like it. Yeah, absolutely not. They don't use the crossing. No. I didn't know. How much did they fine you? 60 euros? No, it wasn't fined. It was just shouted at by a member of the public. Was it Philip Lam? It wasn't Philip Lam. Reminding you not to jaywalk. Yeah. And I remember thinking, what's their problem? In fact, it happened twice. First time, I was like, what's their problem? The second time, I thought, maybe this is on me. Maybe it is my fault. But yeah, you're absolutely right. A member of the public? Yeah, it was a member of the public twice. I have that in Germany. When you cross a red light in front of children, People go mental. That might have been. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Like if you do it in front of a kid and you're effectively showing them that you can walk across the road at a red light. So this has really been derailed. Yeah, yeah. Who have you got? You get shouted at. I've cheated a little bit because... Starting early? Yeah. Here we go. I've actually gone for a linesman instead of a ref. Antonio Valencia, because all he knows how to do is run up and down the wing in straight lines. I like it. He's going to keep up with play. Yeah, he just runs up and down and he's only got one foot, so I assume he's only got one arm. So it's just that. It's just one side of the pitch. I don't think I've ever seen him on the left-hand side, ever. Like anywhere near the centre circle. Anywhere near the centre circle. His heat map is literally just... The same as the lines. Yeah. So, yeah, that's why I've gone for him. I feel like Philipp Lahm probably makes more sense. There was one problem with Philipp Lahm that I thought, and that was he's such a good defender. Or was such a good defender that he would give absolutely no grace to any other defender ever. Like if there was a foul, he would be like, yeah, no, that was definitely a foul. And a defender would go, no, come on, I can give a bit of contact. And he'd be like, no, I didn't concede a yellow card in 13 months of football. You know, at my peak, you're not having that. That was a slight shoulder barge. He might be a bit too boring to be a referee. I mean, staying on the topic of boring, you said before we started recording, Have we all been tempted to go for James Milner here? You said nothing. You're right, I said nothing, because I was about to go with my second pick, right back, James Milner. I just think, you know, he's got the right... He has the temperament for it. Yeah, but I also do have a deeper... reasoning for this. So his old PE teacher in Leeds was John Moss, the former Premier League. Oh, the ref? Yeah. John Moss, he owns a record shop called The Vinyl Whistle. Yes. Oh, yeah, he does. Mark, it used to be down the road from my flat. It is fantastic. Brilliant. The Vinyl Whistle. Yeah. Honestly. Yeah. The only drawback that I can say to John Moss is that he is a Sunderland fan. But you know what? Everything else that he's done in his career, fair play. Yeah. But James Milner, I thought, You know what, his old PE teacher, the person who, you know, first nourished and honed his footballing ability, because there's a picture of them, I think it's Horsforth. Mm-hmm. Is that like a team lineup picture? Yeah, I've seen it, yeah, yeah. And Moss Milner, the first person to really, you know, coach him and lead him through that was a referee. Let's get that on screen. I think we can find that. I think we can probably find that. He's got the engine to be a referee. Yeah, and I think the temperament. Nothing's going to, you know, sometimes you see in European competitions when, you know, referees can maybe get a bit, you know, a player gets in their face and the referee like raises themselves to that level. Yeah, yeah. James Milner's not going to give a ****. He's going to be like, why are you getting angry at me for? Yeah. Just, okay, I've given you your yellow. Off you pop, come on. Do you reckon our referees actually like... Do go a bit mental. I remember seeing that video of Mike Dean away like supporting Trammell at like Yeovil or something, right? Yeah, that was it. And he's like losing his mind in the stands. I'm like, yeah, go on. Ref's got a bit of personality. I mean, yeah, they need to have some kind of release, don't they? It's like when you find out that teachers have lives outside of school. Yeah, you do. He's a ref. Yes. Yeah. . It's John Moss. Just so you don't get any more boring. He's a PE teacher and then he's a ref. Yeah, I'm not talking like Like, sort of. Clattenburg arrogance. There's a bit of that. But I suppose we'll get on to the different sort of iterations of referees. Because I've gone for that as well in some of my selections. Who are we going for then? I'm happy to go Valencia, actually. I think that's a unique pick, but we won't have another one in this game. Sometimes cheating does bring you success. Yes. All the time, I'd say. Yeah. Right, centre-backs. Who's going to start? You want to kick things off? Yeah, I'll kick them off. I've gone with Eddie Howe. Because he was a centre-half. He was a centre-back. Right. Not the tallest centre-half. Right. But he's very process-driven. Yeah. And again, temperament. Yeah. But ask any player that's worked with him. Yeah. The intensity that he brings on the training pitch is like, oh, you know, his sessions are incredible. He's completely different with us as he is with the media and in public. So someone who can, like, turn it on and off like that. I think you need that at centre half, one of the most important positions on the pitch. Nothing would faze him. Yeah, yeah. And again, you get the impression he's a bit of a stickler for the rules. Yeah. You know, the whole Tindall-Howe thing, chalk and cheese comparison. Does Tindall come along with him if he's the official? Howe's the ref? Tindall's the former official. Tindall's the former official. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tindall's going, You've stepped out your quadrant, right, a few too many times now. I'm not going to ask you again, otherwise I'm going to tell Eddie. Yeah, I do. Yeah. Because, I mean, Tindall absolutely loves that area. Yeah, yeah, yeah, true. That is the Tindall zone. Yeah. So he's just in a different, he's in a different costume then. That's all, that's all. So, yeah, they come as a package deal. Okay. And you get, you know. My friend met Eddie Howe. She's a Bournemouth season ticket holder. And she'd met him a few times. And, um... He was walking along like meeting fans getting photos and everything and he said to her oh would you like a photo and she said I've actually had a photo with you before could you get one with my dog. And he was like, uh, yeah. So she picked up this pug Jack Russell cross and I'll see if I can find the photo. I'll ask her for it and we'll put it up on the screen. Excellent. Nothing to do with anything other than Eddie Howe, but it's, yeah. If he's got the temperament to handle an animal, he'd be a good ref. Yeah. That's the line I'm drawing. I think my dad did the same when he met Gazza, but he just handed him my six month old brother. I just went, Gazza, can you hold my son? And they got a picture, which is, let's see if we can get that on screen. This is it. Why not? This is just an old photo album. We've made it up. Yeah, we have. Talk your Spurs, though. Wait, hold on. Who did you go for? Sorry. I've gone with Vincent Kompany. Oh, yeah. I just think he was an adult when I was 16. And he is now an adult, still, to me. He has always been an adult. I look at him as a grown-up. I just, he's a grown-up. He's always been a grown-up. And when I interviewed, I've interviewed some massive names, but when I interviewed Mark Clattenburg, The biggest name of all. he said that he made a mistake against Man City and And, um, He came out for the second half and he was gutted that he'd made this mistake and he sort of was obviously like oh god I've done this against Man City and apparently Kompany came up to him and said don't worry about it we all make mistakes like we know you made it just we'll get on with it like just it's fine. I just think that kind of that kind of personality as a referee I just I think Vincent Kompany is mature he's intelligent he'd be a good ref. Are you sympathetic? Yeah, I like that. Sympathy for the devil there. The only counter, I would say, is have you seen the clip from the Burnley documentary where he's coaching and I think he has a falling out with Johan Berg-Gudmundsson. Gudmundsson, yeah. Oh, that's brilliant. It's good. It's good telly. I don't personally like how he dealt with that, you know, as a professional footballer myself. You know, speaking from experience. You played it in Camp Nou. Yeah, true. Playing is a grandiose term for what I did in Camp Nou. Thank you very much. But yeah, I agree with you. I think he would be good. And I like that he is an adult comparison. You need a grown-up in charge of a football match. Footballers do typically have a, you know, compared to the general public, more of a childlike disposition sometimes. You know, Cristiano Ronaldo's not done anyone any favours there. But yeah, I like it. I like it. He just seems like a good bloke. Yeah, he does. Good egg. He does. I've also gone for a good egg in Ledley King. A man who Thierry Henry famously said was the only defender who could cleanly take the ball off him. So he knows what he's talking about. Also, his record here, 354 games in his entire career, not a single red card and only eight yellow cards. That's 354 games. So basically, it goes like this. Dele King's running around as an official. And when he goes... Can he play two games a week? When an incident occurs, he asks himself, would I have done that? And if the answer is no, it's a foul. And if the answer is yes, play on. He doesn't commit fouls. That's pretty good. So that's my theory behind it. It's pretty good. But I do like the Vincent Kompany shout. Whose is yours again? Eddie Howe. Eddie Howe. I like Eddie Howe. It comes with the kicker. You get bonus Tyndall. You get bonus Tindall. That's what's swinging it for me. True. We've gone for officials, and so far I've picked the linesman and Tindall. And Eddie Howe's familiar with black and white. He is, yeah. Yes, he is. Yeah. Although I feel like we don't really have striped kits, do they? It's very American to have striped refereeing kits. They do on gladiators. Yeah. I didn't even consider gladiator referees. They're not footballers, that's why. Oh, yeah. Yeah, true. I feel like he also does the baller league stuff. I feel like. Yeah, maybe. He's a very baller league. That feels Clatton. The Ramesh Ranganathan of referees. He is. What is that? He'll take any job. He's everywhere. He is everywhere. Need a referee? Cool Clatton, Doug. Yeah. Clats. Let me get him on the pod. Let me get him on it. Right, are we going with Eddie Howe? I'd like to go with Eddie Howe next to him then before we carry on though a quick word from today's sponsor Norton VPN whether you're working from a coffee shop traveling or just browsing at home you are constantly sending information across the internet so what Norton VPN can do is add an extra layer of privacy by encrypting your internet connection and helping keep your online activity a little bit more private it's simple to use works across your everyday devices and you can connect to VPN servers in locations around the world whether you're at home or on the move So if you want to add another level of privacy and security to your everyday browsing, click the link in the description to find out more and see the latest Norton VPN offer. Right then, back to the video. Yes. Similarly, I picked an adult. I went with Gareth Southgate. Yeah, I just, if there's, he was the first name on my team sheet, to be honest, because I, when you start thinking who would be a good referee, I just thought, okay, just, I've got no reason. He's just. Referee vibes. Sometimes just trust your gut. Yeah. Good vibes. Wear a waistcoat whilst reffing. Potentially. Be fantastic. I mean, he obviously refereed England training sessions. Like, you could, you can picture it. Yeah, I feel like being a centre-back lends itself to these kind of mature, level-headed people. So we probably... Wait till we get on. Yeah. I've not gone for a team of sons-in-law, believe me. Yeah. A team of sons-in-law. That's fantastic. F***ing hell. Right, go on. I went for, staying with the All England theme, I've gone for Bobby Moore. An adult. Ah, Bobby. An adult, yeah, yeah. I've seen it all, you know. And you hear, you read about here, all the quotes and the interviews that the '66 team and their former West Ham players, you know, Bobby Moore, really stand up bloke by all accounts, according to them. So, you know, the man in the middle, the most respectable man on the pitch, You know, commands respect, he's the only captain to win the World Cup with England. Male, male, yes, yes, correct, correct. Why England women haven't won the World Cup, sorry. You were right the first time. You meant an English title, is what you meant. Yes, yes, I did. Now I'm panicking. I'm speaking! Let's not bring that on screen. But yeah. I'm going a different shade. I'm going the shade of red that Bobby Moore wore in 1966. It's unbelievably niche. I thought people would get it. Oh, that's funny. Sorry. Yeah, I feel like command's respect. And Bobby Moore certainly did and continues to because he's in my 11. Yeah. You've lost me. I've completely gone. Right. In that case, I've gone very niche compared to you two. Yeah, if you go on. We're back with Wigan. It's like last week all over again. With Jean-Baptiste Jor. I've gone with Arjen de Zou. He became a policeman. He did indeed. That's great knowledge. Post-career. So it says here, he had a medical science degree before playing football. Wigan's first ever Premier League captain. After retiring, he joined the Dutch police force in Alkmaar as an investigative police detective and forensics inspector working on local crime, drug enforcement and human trafficking cases. I mean, he'd be great against the team we picked last week. But... But, um, yeah. It's... It's so... This probably opens up a whole other discussion on basically post-playing careers. Yeah. Shout out to John Moss and Vinyl Records. What was it, Vinyl Records? Vinyl Whistle. Whistle the Bono Whistle. But I, personally, I'm going to vote for my own because I think it's unbelievably niche. I think, you know what, Bobby, take the bench. Iron Azu is playing, yeah. Iron Azu is... I'm happy. I'm happy with it. Are we going to start calling sort of foul's crimes now? I mean, he is the first member of our team to be qualified in something. Yeah, true. So I think he has to go. And again, like teachers, you know, you do get policeman refs as well, don't you? Yeah, true. True. I'm fairly sure his wife, Bibiana Steinhaus, was a... Police officer as well, okay. I met her at the Euros a few years ago. I kept on bumping into her and eventually she was like, keep on bumping into you, Matt. Um, would you like some cards? And I was like, yeah. So she gave me a yellow and red card. So I've got them at home. What? Yeah, it's really bizarre. As if she's going around with like business cards for refs. But no, no, yeah, yeah. I generally was like, you know, I have your card and like, I don't know, but get on a podcast or something. Really random. She was, she was there like loads. And this is Euro 2022. Mm. And, uh... Yeah, I've got her red and yellow card at home. That's incredibly niche. Very niche. Please bring them in. I will do. Bibiana Steinhaus, by the way. Yes, please. First ever female Bundesliga referee. Go for it. Right, we're going with Aya Hoshino. Left back. I'm going to get mine out of the way because I did pick James Milner. Fair enough. Very boring. Let's not go for him. Let's go between you two. Would you like to go first? Go first. I went Wayne Bridge. I have no reasoning for this, but I feel like he's been wronged enough in his life that we're similar to Shilton. This is the Shilton origin story all over again. Well, yeah, it's the Shilton argument. I just didn't know that that's the reason I was picking it was so similar to Shilton. I couldn't, I genuinely couldn't pick another left back. Full backs I found really hard. That's why I put a central midfielder at right back. I haven't got a left back. I think he was a centre back. To be fair, I will just say, James Milner, according to my research, played left back 58 times. He played there over, was it Moreno? Right now. Yeah. Oh yeah, he did. Before they signed Robertson. Yeah, it was Klopp's first full season. And he's probably definitely played right back. Definitely. He's played everywhere. Yeah, yeah. He's played up front for Man City. Did he? Yeah, yeah. For a little bit, yeah. Oh, God. I think it was an injury crisis. Is there anything he can't do? No. Referee a game, apparently. There you go. Who have you gone for? I've gone for a man who was asked... When you get to the gates of heaven, what will you ask St. Peter? And he said, I will ask, where are the referees? And go in the opposite direction. Um, I've gone with Arsene Wenger. He said that? Yes. I've gone with Arsene Wenger. He has seen everything in the game. He has seen everything. He has clashed with referees in the past. Who can forget him? You know, doing his iconic, you know, iconic Barclays era. Yeah, he's yeah, he knows more about football. He's forgotten more about football than everybody else knows. He's even trying to come up with new rules for football, for goodness sake. And I just think he got wronged by Marseille in the early 90s, obviously the match fixing scandal and Tapie and all of that, that came at the expense of his Monaco team. Yeah. We will sort of gloss over the game at Old Trafford that cost Arsenal the 50th unbeaten game and say that was totally absolutely fine, you know, nothing at all happened. And then in recent times, we've had everything that's come out about Man City and I've stopped talking there. So I think that he's seen his fair share of wrong decisions. He's seen his fair share of unfair play. Can I counter-argument here? Go on. Wasn't his staple line in every interview. I didn't see it. Now that's the problem. This is why he needs a VAR. Right. Okay. So Wenger for VAR. Well, I think he needs a VAR. He needs a VAR. Yeah. And I'll tell you what, all 800 Clattenburg, right? He'll do a job. He will. So we're going for a Wenger-Clattenburg double act like Howe and Tindall, basically. I think so, yeah. Also, if he's refereeing against Jose Mourinho, You want to see that. Oh, yeah, that is good. You want to see him at the Bernabeu. Like, can you imagine Mourinho sitting there in the dugout and he sees Wenger coming out to ref his team? It's going to be like in the office when Brent sees his blind days. That's what I want to see, yeah. Right, are we going with Arsene Wenger at left-back? Yeah, yeah, just, it's left-back. Fantastic, yeah, it's left-back. Anyone can play left-back. Yeah, exactly, clearly, clearly they have. Don't ask me where I played at the Camp Nou. No, Right, into midfield. I'll start, Jordan Henderson. Is it right midfield? I'm Right midfield, played there quite often, I feel like, for Sunderland when he first broke through. Yeah, he might have done, yeah. Wasn't a centre mid. A bit of both. not. Did so for Liverpool. I see it. Good charisma, personality, great communicator. We've all seen those videos during COVID, right? Well, basically all you can hear is Jordan Henderson screaming on the pitch. I did think about putting him as fourth official because he gives me snitch vibes. He gives me like the tattletale on the playground that Jordan Henderson runs in and does, sir, sir, someone spat at me or something. Actually, Gaffer, he was saying that you get paid too much. Your tactics are ----, mate. Exactly. I feel like on the sideline, he'd... He'd be really fun, but he'd also tell the ref everything that went on. Mm-hmm. He seems like he's got a good base of football knowledge as well. He's got ball knowledge. Student of the game? He's got IQ. I don't know if I'd call him a student of the game, but he's seen a lot. He knows a lot. Yeah. I trust him. Yeah, I trust him in the middle of the park. That feels like his home territory. Yeah. Loves to shout. Maybe likes the sound of his own voice too much, but which ref doesn't? Interesting that you say that, because my right midfielder, similar to Henderson, I think when he was coming through to begin with, wasn't a central midfielder, but played more sort of out to the right. I've gone for Jermaine Jenas, because he definitely likes the sound of his own voice. As a, I mean, he's a radio host, radio show host. Not Polka. Coin, coin, coin, coin, coin, coin, coin. I mean, that video alone is enough to say that he's, You know, if he was made of chocolate, he'd eat himself. I'm I think that... starting Where are these quotes coming from? It would be good to see Jermaine Jenas as a ref. Yeah? He could have found his niche, though. He could, yeah. And also, he'll get it from the players as well. Yeah. And I'd like to see that. to I bear no ill will towards him. I think he's a great... speak He's a great... He was a great scorer of a goal against Man Utd for Newcastle. An absolute screamer. now. Scored a few against United for Spurs as well. Can I just say as well, by the way, another huge name that I've interviewed, Jermaine Jenas, twice, absolutely lovely. Really? Both times, he was a great interviewee. I can see why he got so much TV work, because he's just so... good with people and he can talk he can talk he'd be great with ref cam yeah is what i'm saying he would oh i've got ref cam a little bit later on okay okay and who have you got a good case so i've gone for a man that i know three things about i've gone with Chris Birchall he went to the World Cup Trinidad and Tobago yeah he dated Jody Marsh and he became a referee he joined the PGM PGMOL now known as PGMOL i did not know the last one i didn't know Jody Marsh but either yeah I knew two things about him. He played for Trinidad and Tobago and played for Port Vale, I think. When did he play for Trinidad and Tobago? Oh, 2006, yeah. Oh, against England? Yeah, his mum's from... Did he play for Bradford when they came out? Potentially. As I say, I only know three things about the guy. He did preface that, to be fair. And Chris Birch, I thought he did play for Bradford. Beat that. Yeah, beat an actual referee. But did he ref a Prem game? Was he lower league? I don't know. I've told you everything I know. I know three things and three things only. Yeah. What's the middle name? Let's play, guys. God, I feel like we have to kind of pick him now. I do have to go for the actual referee. Yeah, yeah. Chris Birchall. Doing all right. There we go. Wow. Wow. Who's your centre mid? First one. Xavi Hernandez. I've gone from one end of the spectrum to the other. I've gone with a man that I think potentially reads the game better than any other footballer in the history of the sport. So I feel when it comes to advantages, he will know when to play and when not. I went to Oxford United against Milton Keynes-Dons at the start of the season. I'm sorry to hear that. For anyone who didn't go to that game, Yeah. Thank you. There was a moment when Oxford were 3-on-goal, I will stop there. I know we're running out of time. 1-on-1 with the goalkeeper, and the referee pulled it back, for a foul. Yeah. That's some proper EFL refereeing. Exactly. Even my wife was livid, and she does not watch football, follow football at all. It was absolutely atrocious, and I thought that day, if only Shabby was the referee here, he would have known. Well, I thought most people would have known, but yes, you're right. I think, you know, the argument is great. At Oxford against MK Dons, Javi is possibly the last one. Having said that, I would never have put Northampton Town and Pato together, but here we are. There we go. So, yeah. Javi. Javi. Javi. Wow. Strong, strong. Okay. Go on. I'll let you go first. Bruno Fernandes. Because he talks to the refs so bloody much, I figured he might know what's going on. He must have picked something up. He must have picked something up. Maybe he's asking questions. He certainly knows the penalty. Yeah, he understands pens. This may be a bit of a ludicrous pick. So, yeah, he talks to the ref far too much. So he might know what's going on. Do you know what I'll say as well? I'm an Arsenal fan, so I don't like Bruno Fernandes, I will not like him until he retires. But I've got a lot of respect for him as a leader. He's a, he's a leader. He's a leader. True. What I don't think is, He is a leader. He's played him. you know, stretching it to say it's quite a bad man. United's the worst Premier League team ever. Yeah. And he has been head and shoulders, the biggest leader, the biggest inspiration to. To the team. So I think he's got those credentials at least. True. Yeah. Yeah. I was trying to be silly with it, but you've actually made it sound rather sensible. Well, there you go. It's what he does. He's not just a pretty face. Go on. I've gone with someone who is not going to take an and you're not going to mess with anyway. Zinedine Zidane. Ooh. Yeah. That rude. I don't think I've ever seen the man smile. No, I haven't. But, you know, he'll celebrate goals with just a stony face. Well, that little... Yeah, something like that. True. And again, a ref... I think there's something to be said about a ref that you fear. Yeah. You don't want to mess with the referee that you actually have a little bit of fear about you're not going to chance your arm, you're not going to get in his face if he's given you that aura beforehand. Well, he's also going to nut you if you get in his face. Can he send himself off? All right. No, but Tindall is a fourth official, so I'm kind of hoping that Zidane gets sent off as well. Is he vocal enough? I've never heard him speak in any land. True! Is he vocal enough? Yeah, okay, good counter. I feel like Tindall would also be waiting to take a selfie with Zidane at the side. Strikes me as that kind of guy. I think Zidane would be waiting to take a selfie with Tindall, actually. Come on. True, true. That man has got quite a talent. He does, yeah, Jesus, I've seen it. Living in the North East, something's not adding up. Let's maybe not get into that one. One minute. I'm happy to concede that Zidane is maybe not the one. I was thinking Kalina vibes. Yeah true, true. It turns out my argument is paper thin. You have actually like taken my argument as well as somebody who reads the game incredibly well like you could you have gone for a similar sort of namesake because I've only got one string to my bag whereas you've got two and that is you know a very very good footballer and the nutcase so you know yeah very scary man what's funny is that's the way the nutcase angle goes against everything you've previously said about being level-headed yeah but you could you get different types of referees they all fulfill the same function i've gone with at least one yeah oh yeah true oh i'd be amazed if we didn't actually have one of the same ones um who are we going for should we leave this to public vote I'm happy to go with either of you or two. I will go with Zidane. We're going to go with Zidane? Yeah, let's go with Zidane. Let's go with Zidane as a ref. Yeah, why not? He's cool as hell anyway. He's cool as hell. Yes, it does. You open this time. I'll open. N'Golo Kanté. He gets about the pitch. He does do that. That is pretty much... He gets about the pitch and he keeps up with play. I do wonder... Basically opposite to Zidane. Sorry, opposite to Bruno. Whether his quiet demeanour means he might be walked over as a ref. He is very, very respected. Yeah, that's the thing. If you know him, you respect him. But if you don't... Have you heard the French song for him? I think so, yeah. Yeah, if you haven't heard it, look it up. That's great. I thought we were going to get a... Yeah, I thought we were going to get a... Go on, Mike's there. I'm starting I can't remember the rest of it. It's like he doesn't cheat at cards or something. It's like the direct translation. Me on city, see you on the court day. Something like that. That's good. Very good. Just French nonsense. I don't actually, you know. to Yeah. You're making great money. My version, not their version. speak I preface to add. Okay. Who have you gone for? Hear me out. I've gone with Diego Simeone. now. Wow. Would you try and pull the wool over Diego Simeone's eyes? Would you try and... say to him, honestly, it was, it was an honest tackle. Like, he, he knows, he can read minds, that guy. He knows. Like, anything you try on a football pitch, he's succeeded at doing. You can't kid a kidder. No. That was, that was my thinking. True. And, but the way that his Atletico team play, like, I remember when they came to Arsenal and they'd been training with 10 men in the run-up to the game. And, um, I believe it was, was it? Can't remember who it was. Got sent off after eight minutes and Simeone sent to the stands. And honestly, like... When was that? 2019, European Is that when you lost him? Yeah. Is that when you didn't turn the whole world on for them in the showers? No, that was this year. I was 2018. It was Wenger's last season. Again, Wenger getting wronged by Wenger as well. Yeah, I just think Simeone just... Like you said, can't keep a kid up. Yeah, I think that's stronger than Kante right now. So the floor's yours. Thank Mark Noble. Okay. Okay. It just feels right. Nobes. Just Nobes. You know, he knows all the players but on a first-name basis. you Yeah. You know, they all know him by Nobes. Yeah. It's kind of, when there's a breaking play, like someone's putting their arm around Nobes' shoulder, very they kind of, the Sky Sports camera's on him and it's, you know, they're close up and it's just like, yeah. much. And they're having a little bit of a, you know, kind of like how Mike Dean used to be with the players. Sets my hair cut. Yeah, a sensible referee's haircut. I've heard stories that he used to clean the dressing room, even as an experienced player, he was there with the mop, cleaning it up, being sensible. Yeah, he reminds me of a Mike Dean as well. He'd have a bit of back chat to the players as well. Coffee pot, go on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Something like that. Proper East London. My favourite tweet about Mark Noble was when West Ham were doing really well and it looked like they could finish in Europe. And one West Ham fan said, imagine if we get... I don't know if he was a West Ham fan. So imagine if West Ham get into the Champions League and we get to play Real Madrid. Sergio Ramos handing Mark Noble a pennant, putting two pairs in a paper bag and sealing it with a spin. Super! It's good isn't it? I've always had it in my head. He's now coaching the academy at West Ham. Yeah he's some sort of director. Cheers Serge, God bless you. Yeah. He's probably got like a little group of cockney pickpockets or something. It's like... Yeah, his officiating team are street urchins. Yeah. Yeah. I'd be happy with any of the referees, I'm not going to lie. Yeah, I'd be happy with any of them. I like the Mark Noble shout. I like the Mark Noble shout. We did just give me Zidane, though. I do want to say that. Yeah. And I do like Mark's. Yeah, true. Who did you go for again? Simeone. I have Paul Simeone. I think it's... All right, we'll go Simeone then. Yeah. We'll go. Simeone. Thank you. As a midfield pairing. Wow. My God. We're forgetting that they're footballers in this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. England's worst nightmare. I like that. Left midfield. I haven't actually picked a left-wing fielder, I've picked a striker who can just sort of go on the left wing. I'll give you a couple of facts about him to begin with. He has scored the most number of goals in Premier League history without scoring a hat-trick. And he is the one person that Mark Clattenburg said that he hated refereeing the most, and that is Craig Bellamy. Oh, God, a ref. Yeah, he can play left wing. The only reason I went with him was because I thought, see how you like it. Like, because if he really is as bad as Clattenberg said he is, I'm pretty sure somebody else said he was like a nightmare to referee as well. If he is as bad as he is claimed to be. Let's see how another, let's see how he gets on with, you know. Yeah. Shoe on the other foot. Yeah. See how he gets on. See how he likes it. Yeah. That's, that's good. Okay. Yeah. It's a weak pick, but I'm conceding it. Mine's a centre mid who often played left mid, so he's fine. Go on. Oh, Paul Merson. Oh, okay. And this. This made me laugh. The reason being, Paul Merson a few years ago in the interview had a massive rant basically against VAR. He just hates VAR. Who doesn't? He said, VAR, it's like going to a restaurant and having a spaghetti bolognese. It comes out and you take a taste and say, oh, that tastes horrible. You don't put it back in the kitchen and start putting extra stuff in it. It's good. It's a good analogy. It's good. I don't get it. I don't get the analogy. I like his analogies. He said one to 442 recently where he said about Max Dowling, he said, if you read about him in a book, you'd chuck it in the sea. What does that mean? That's why he's banned from his local library. I mean, yeah. Just the spaghetti bolognese thing for me makes no sense. I would take it back into the kitchen and put extra things in it. No, I'd want a fresh one. Yeah, that too. Anyway, I've no idea what's to do with VAR. Me outing myself as a bit of a restaurant diva there, yeah. Yeah, yeah. But basically, because of it, I'd love to see Merce be the ref, and as he walks out onto the pitch, he just rips out a f***ing earpiece. Everyone cheers because there's no VAR, and then he'd miss a massive decision to call someone by the wrong name. He would call people by the wrong name. He absolutely would. You find it in the book. Turn around, son, what's your number? Jan Venegurov. Okay, you're number nine. What was it? Sakari Benya. Yeah, I need to have that. Yeah, absolutely. Brighton Seven. There you go, yeah. He just, it would be vintage Merce. It'd be really funny. And he also hates VAR, so I stand by that. He's got great ball knowledge. Yeah, good ball knowledge. He's very, very good at the game. Him as a ref would be entertaining. So that's my pick. Superb footballer. I'd have to. I went with Gareth Bale. Purely on vibes. Sensible. I just thought, sensible. Thank you. The first ever referee with a top knock. Yeah. Yeah. True. Instead of a whistle, he has a 9-iron. I don't really have that much of a reason behind it. I think I was just sat there going, I just get good vibes from Gareth Bale. You know, honourable, stand-up bloke. I like how he stood up to sort of the criticism with the Real Madrid fans. So you can take flack. He could referee the Copa del Rey and refuse to speak to anybody in Spanish. That would be... Despite actually speaking Spanish. As in being able to. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I feel like he has such little interest in football outside playing. Yeah, there is that. I like coaching. He wouldn't be as committed to the gig as someone else. He'll be Wales golf reffing the bridge. Yeah. I'm not entirely sure what we're going with here. I'll go with Merson. I want to see Merson. I want to see him laying into VAR going, and another thing, more cheese on my spaghetti. That's it, yeah. Call that a spag bol. I feel like he's definitely an extra parmesan guy. Absolutely. Right, we're going up top. This is where I've gone on the aggressive front, because nobody would argue with him. Okay. Duncan Ferguson. Okay, yeah, I've gone similar. Big Dunk as a ref, there's probably not that much to say, unless he's pretty much in the same flow as Zinedine Zidane, that, you know, does he go over the top and start hitting people? But if not, he's bloody well scary, and I don't think people chat to him. And he's obviously very physically dominating as well. He is. So, yeah, Big Dunk, that's who I've gone for. That's good. I've gone for Paolo Di Canio. No, you haven't. Have you done it again? You need to stop conferring answers. We're not conferring at all. Is that because he won the Fair Play Award for catching the ball? Partly, and also because he pushed over a referee. Exactly the same reasoning, the ball counts. How does that make him a good ref? Well, because he knows not to stand with his two feet there, so he'll stand with a boxer stance. Wow, that's our... I went to Di Canio as well. I went with Danny Welbeck. He's been around for quite a while. Seems like a lovely bloke. Seems like a lovely bloke. I can't think of any bad press that he's ever taken. He's obviously done his fair share of interviews. I can't think of a single pull quote from any Danny Welbeck interview in my life, which tells me that he is Straight down the middle, ready salted crisp sandwich with no butter. He's just straight as a guy. Have you ever seen the interview he did with Carl Jenkinson where they were asking each other questions? Oh. It's honestly the best content that Arsenal has ever put out. Let's hear them, just like. He's got a bit of personality to him. He has, yeah. He was asking about Tortoise at Jenkinson. He was like, it's still going? He was like, no, no, it's brown bread. Brown bread, mate. I love Welbeck. He's in my top ten Arsenal players of all time. He wasn't even that good. Yeah, he wasn't that good. Again, a referee that you want to respect. I love the guy. I feel like he'd look good with a... I haven't even considered that. I haven't considered how good of a public speaker they are. After a review, you know, given that, like... Yeah, we don't want one like the guy at the World Cup who everybody was looking at like, what? What is that? Is that it? No. That was what? What, the Almiron sending off? Yeah, yeah, no one had a clue. Yeah, I haven't really thought about that. I've just thought about it now. There's someone probably who's on, like, the after-dinner circuit It is a fantastic speaker. I think Duncan Ferguson would be good, purely just for projecting his voice. I've not met Duncan Ferguson, but I've been in his vicinity twice. Right. Yeah. And you were three miles away. Well, yeah. So once was at Southport's grounds when Everton's under-21s were playing, and I was sat on sort of like the far end of the press box, and then the directors and everyone, because when he was in a role at Everton, he comes and sits, we were separated by something like a wall partition, and I'm like, don't stand next to me there. I could introduce myself. And as I was sort of plucking up the courage, he shouts at someone on the pitch side. This is before kickoff. And I tell you what, I've never heard just from a standing start where he hadn't been speaking to anyone, he was by himself, as gruff and as loud and as sort of just... How he was able to project his voice. I think it was probably David Unsworth that he was shouting at. Straight away, Unsworth turns around. They're having a full-on conversation. I think that's just his volume. Yeah, true. Yeah, you turn the telly on and it's been playing ridiculously loud the last time you've had it on. Where's the remote? Turn that down. And then the second time was at the US Embassy. And he, and I heard him before I saw him. Um, So when I was going to get my visa for the World Cup and he took, he just gets out the lift and I'm like, I heard you. Bloody hell it is. Cause it was one of those. I think that that sounds a lot like Duncan Ferguson. Imagine if it was. Yeah, I had that in the Wolves press room where I was like, that sounds like Stuart Pearce who's saying he's going to go and see Wuthering Heights for the weekend, and it was. Of course. Ha ha ha. Turn around and go, yeah, often I quite like when a film's got bad reviews because I just think, you know, it's more interesting. Oh, yeah, he's got this thing right where, like, he... He actively ignores critics. Oh, does he? Yeah, yeah. Oh, well, I learned this. Yeah, I feel like that's one of his schticks. He just doesn't pay attention. Texted back and 442 immediately. Stuart Pearce saying we're in high for the weekend. Exclusive, yeah. No context, just hired. All right, let's do it. Stuart Pearce saying we're in high for the weekend. Literally, genuinely. And he sent back saying, I'd love to know how you know this. And I didn't tell him. I'd love to know his thoughts on it. Stuart Pearce, not Ed. I'd like to know. I'd like to know that as well. Yeah, that's true. Who else have we gone for as our striker partner? The other striker. Sorry, have we gone for the first striker? Oh, of course. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. My second striker. Who's your second striker, sorry? Welbeck. Welbeck. Daniel Farke. Was he a striker? Yeah, he was a striker, yeah. I want to hear his voice. I want to hear it. Come on. Of course, I can't do Daniel Farke for everybody, just because I used to be a Leeds journalist. After review. After review. Number 10 for Festival of Echelonians in an offside position. It's good. It's good. I just think he's... You could narrate German erotica. I think Daniel Farke's got that market covered, to be honest. Yeah. I think he's just, he comes across as, I don't know very much about the blokes, to be honest, but he comes across as very sort of warm and cuddly. Softly spoken, mild mannered, impossible to, you know, hate unless he's got the team relegated, I guess. But he's just, I'd listen to him. I'd like him. If he was a referee and he was doing the review, I'd listen to him. Yeah. I feel like you've picked that just to get his. Well, I originally picked Harry Kane, and as I was going through this, I was like, I can't pick Harry Kane. I've gone far too boring. So, yeah, I can't pick another man who, like, willingly opts to wear Skechers. Yes. So, ****** it is. Let's cross Skechers off the sponsorship for this podcast. Sorry, lads. My last one is actually back to the camera-wearing officials, because I think it'd be great social content to hear Troy Deeney as a ref. He's seen it all. And he's just really funny. He gives loads of ----, but some of the stuff he comes out with, some of his takes on radio and in interviews, he says it how it is. Yeah, he does. A lot of cojones about him. I just think, yeah, from like a social point of view, he'd be really funny. What kind of refereeing threshold is Troy Deeney going to have? Yeah. I don't know, I just... He knocked him out. Fine, carry on. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's what I mean. He lets the game go. I just... Yeah. For me, I'd... Yeah, he'd be good fun with the players as well. He would. I'd love to see Troy Deeney as a ref. I'm going Deeney, yeah. I'm tempted. I'm going Deeney, yeah. D-Day! Yep. That's it. There you go. He can introduce himself in the third person. Just as he's walking in. Yeah, I reckon it'd be good fun. To be honest, at this point, I think I've completely forgotten who the whole team is. Let's do a recap to remember. Peter Shilton in goal. Peter Shilton in goal. Yeah. Antonio Valencia. Eddie Howe. Eddie Howe. With bonus Tindall. With bonus Tindall. Arjen Robben Yeah. And then left back we have- Wenger. Arsene Wenger. Arsene Wenger. Fantastic. Right back, Chris Birchall. Right mid. Followed by Zinedine Zidane with Diego Simeone, Paul Merson, and then up front we had Di Canio and Troy Deeney. Wow, it's a team. That's unbelievable. It's a dressing room as well. Got to have charismatic dressing rooms. Got to have character. Don't want to have too much personality in the dressing room. Who's that? Who's that character? Oh, Brendan Rodgers. I'm going to pick him for something next time, just so we can get that. I'm going to get my Mourinho in one way. Oh, that is good. That is good. You want to hear this? I feel like I'm going to have to work on the impression of someone. This is football. Edit. He's so good. We're having too much fun here. We're having too much fun. Right. Round it up. Round it up. That's it then for this week. Make sure you let us know in the comments who you see as a ref and basically any other nonsense that we've talked about, something that we've missed. Smash a like as well. Let us know if you've been enjoying the series and we'll see you on the next one.