'I'd Like To See Him Dance In Front Of The Stoke Fans!' | FourFourTwo's 4-4-2's

He's basically enhanced hoof. He looks a little bit like Bill Nighy's rat in Flushed Away. He does. He really does. If these were like Premier League rules, I'd be getting 140 million charges for my picks here. True, I might have to kick you off for the next episode. F*** the orders for bullying. He's at the Irish pub every day. Yeah, but don't tell him it's an Irish pub. Yeah. Absolutely not. This is 442s, 442s, where we're picking combined 11s with Mark, with Joe and myself, Matt. From a football cliche to a passing thought, and today's episode is players you would love to see do it on a cold, rainy night at Stoke. This is excellent. They honestly... Separates the men from the boys. Starting strong. Just a couple of guys hanging around, hanging about, you know, naming all football players. Just all present. All present. Naming names. Yeah, I feel like we should... Some criteria. Players you'd love to see at Stoke. Yep. Dead or alive, anywhere in the world. Basically, the only rule is there are no rules. Okay. And that's about it. Right, we'll kick things off with the goalkeeper. Joe, I'm going to start. Seems a good place to start. Yeah. And, you know, in the nature of being controversial to begin with, I've gone with a pretty interesting pick. He has had some choice opinions to say, and he's wrong for these opinions, but as a goalkeeper, purely as a goalkeeper, he was box office. I've gone with José Luis Chilavert. No, you haven't. Why? No, you haven't. I'll show you. Am I one of... We need to know why. Your first name. Of all the goalkeepers. Right, go on. Let's hear your explanation behind this. He's box office. I reckon. He's mental. Yeah. Like, you know what they say about goalkeepers? They're all a bit, you know... Screw loose. Yeah. Because, you know, to play in the one position which is different, you have to have a little bit. He was just... He was one of one. To say the least. Do you reckon he could point to Stoke on a map? No, absolutely not. I'm not sure he could point to England on a map. He could barely point to Paraguay. True. I reckon I could point to Paraguay. Yeah, but he's from Paraguay. Could you... I can't judge him for not playing in England if you can't. I've played my fair share of GeoGuessr. I'd be on the right continent. Middle of South America. Yeah. That's what I'm picking. There we go. I reckon I could. So you've both gone for Chiliver? Yeah. Because he's a nutter. Basically, as you were saying it, I thought he's going to go for Chiliver. He's going to go for Chiliver. And he has. Yeah. He's the only goalkeeper to have hit the woodwork at a World Cup. No goalkeeper has ever scored at a World Cup. He's come close enough. Right. So, yeah, I just thought, I mean. Yeah, given that Stoke in their prime were all about the set pieces, I thought, chuck a goalkeeper on him. Who takes set pieces? I feel like we should preface this for anyone who doesn't know. He is a notorious goal scorer and taker of free kicks and penalties. So that went into my thinking. Also, the whole kind of him being, like you said, a screw loose. Absolutely off his head. I thought, perfect. So we're going to pick this 11 to kind of beat Stoke, right? Prime Stoke. So this is 2008. 2012 yeah this is basically prime pewters complaining that he's owed an fa cup from maps yeah this is this is the team well now i feel like we've got to go with you guys You guys. You want to know yours. i actually went along the same line of someone absolutely mental who wouldn't be phased by facing a tough stoke crowd in oliver khan okay that's a good pick he's a good as well because he's mental again could he point to stoke on a map probably not i feel like he's dealt with bigger opposition i think yeah the key criteria that i was thinking about with this one Okay, Stoke have got Rory de Lappe throwing one into the box. And we've got Ricardo Fuller backing into the goalkeeper. True. Which goalkeeper is going to take no ****? I thought... There's an equal chance that he punches it clear or he kind of just goes, you know what, I'm going to punch the back of the head of the striker. And I thought... As long as the ball doesn't go in, we're totally fine. Exactly, yeah, yeah. If I'm not mistaken, he has once been done punching a player. I don't want to be sued here, but I believe it is on his Wikipedia page. If not, I do apologise personally to the nation of Paraguay. Yeah, that's a lot of power. For spreading... Harsh realities of how they goalkeep. I mean, he'll probably claim it if he hasn't. He'll probably be like, yeah, I did that. Right, we'll go with Chilovere. We'll go with him in goal. Perfect. Easy enough. Mark, switching to you for right back. I'm pretty sure you haven't got this one. I've gone with former England captain who was sent off in more games than he finished. I've gone with Gary Wackett, the legend Gary Wackett from Mike Bassett, England manager. Oh, excellent, yeah. Very good. We didn't say he can be fictional, but here we are. No, but he's the guy who, if you've not seen the film, he's asked to give a team talk. Okay Wacko, lead him out. I will caveat that if you do look at the kind of the tactical makeup of Bassett's England, Thank he is probably either a left back or a left centre back, so I've got him at right back. But I just think he's not really, it doesn't matter where you play him, he's not there to play. He's not going to suddenly become tame at right back as opposed to left back. No. And I will also say that England did get better after he you. was sent home from the World the World Cup in Brazil because he was fighting locals and fans. But I just think, like you said, we're outstoking Stoke here. You've got to go with Wacko. We're two players in and this has already gone way, way further left field than I thought it would. Yeah, we've gone hard. That's astonishingly good. That is so good. Can you top that? No, I don't think. I've gone with Tony Hibbert. But. It's the first time they've seen him in the same conversation. Never scored a goal, famously, in the Premier League. And, you know, one of the most insane pieces of skill in Barclays Premier League history, you know, put your foot on the ball, drag it back a little bit, move to the side, put your foot on the ball, drag it back a little bit, and then you're back where you started. Beautiful. Yes. Just, I feel like with this team, if they are going to beat Prime Stoke, you need a little bit of stability. Hmm. And admittedly, I think I've gone for one stable player and I've gone for him at right back. Because you can't have a team full of head cases, basically. I've gone for the head case. Exactly, yeah. Yeah. It's a nice chalk and cheese there in our ways of thinking. Yeah. I think, you know, Chilovere's at the back. He's barking orders in Spanish, presumably. True, Tony Hibbert, you know, he's been on holiday to Lanzarote a few times. You know, he's done strong with me as a... A wacko's probably got a timeshare in Benidorm. Exactly. Yeah, but he hasn't ventured outside of the timeshare, so he doesn't speak Spanish. No, he orders from full English. He's at the Irish pub every day. Yeah, but don't tell him it's an Irish pub. Yeah, absolutely not. Oh, well, those all seem fairly tame. I've gone for Moritz Volt. Ooh, former Arsenal and Fulham right back. Yeah, I'm not picking on Germans here, but he once said, basically, he used to make cakes. I don't know if you knew about this. Moritz Foltz is a baker. And he once said, when we play the big clubs like Arsenal and Man United, I make a biscuit-based cake with bananas and a dusting of green tea. If we were playing more rugged teams like Blackburn Rovers, I would make something a lot heavier, like carrot cake with nuts. Wow. And so it crossed my mind, I wonder what he'd make for Stoke. So that's why I would choose him, just to see what he'd make. So you're going for a gravel cake? Yeah, true, yeah. He's eating tarmac. What is the toughest cake that you would make? What represents? A rock cake, I guess. Yeah, rock buns. Rock buns. What's that? Did you ever make them at school? No. A rock bun? Yeah, like food tech. Pretty sure my mum's made them. Yeah, I mean mine always came out quite literally rock hard. Yeah, yeah. What is it? It's, as it says, it's like a bump, like a hot cross bump. Yeah, but it's rock hard, or at least mine is like, yeah, it's. It should be like, knock it. You can dust them, it's like... Yeah, you can dust them. Yeah. You could probably play the steel drums if you had to. If we ever meet Moritz Waltz, I'm going to ask him. Yeah. Stoke away, what cake would you have made? I do like that though, as a pick. I really do. You do as well. Don't get me wrong, Wacko's a great shout. Yeah. Hibbert's a bit of a cop-out from me. Sorry, Torn. I'd actually go with Wacko. Let's go Wacko. Yeah, it could be a recipe for disaster before we've even got to the right centre. Was that a cake pun? Very good. Very good. Your brain's been overtime recently. We'll get to that a little bit later. Right, centre-backs. Do you want to do two at once? No, no, we'll go one at a time. This feels like a fairly obvious pick, but Pepe. I've gone with Pepe. That's good. I don't think I can... Let's just get him in there now. He booted a guy when he was on the floor at Real Madrid against Getafe, I believe, and got a 10-game ban. See, I went with Pepe because Ramos is like Pepe with culture. Pepe is just like an animal. He is a complete, like, he has no kind of, like... My only worry is that the Stoke fans will appreciate him. Yeah. We don't want that. We want them to boo. Yeah, potentially. It's not good as in parks. I'm not going to poo that loud. No, no. Yeah. I, yeah. I went with Pepe just cause he's, he's pure adrenaline running through his veins and nothing else. He will think nothing of. He'd deal with Ricardo Fuller. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He's not going to shrink at all, you know, Yeah. Yeah. he's not going to shrink for the Britannia Yeah. Yeah. boo either. No. Or the Bet365 boo. He's, he's seen worse at the weekend, he's, you know. True. Who have you gone with? I've gone with Mick McCarthy, specifically Celtic era Mick McCarthy. Are you going to do the look in the camera though? Yeah. Not going to do the carelessness because I didn't know he was a centre back. Really? Yeah, I didn't actually know that. He was just hard, no-nonsense, like, 80s central defender. Hmm. When the, I can't remember which team it was he was playing for, but I think Margaret Thatcher wanted to meet them and he just point-blank refused because he's the son of a minor from Lansley. You know, he makes no apologies for who he is and what he thinks, so. I was again thinking about that forward line of Stoke, who's going to just, you know, those little John Terry-isms where you kind of just, you're getting into the player. I thought Mick McCarthy's perfect. We can't go with Mick McCarthy, can we? We can. We can. There you go. I think we do go with Pepe. I think we go with Pepe because we had a kind of a two vote to one. Yeah, exactly. God, too well, this back line's mental. Right, Joe, I'm going to come back to you for the next centre-back. Present day player, actually. Oh, plus one. Yeah, not fictional. And as far as we know, not a complete head case, but Luka Vuskovic. Okay, I can see that. They sound sensible. Thinking set pieces. The guy was just knocking them in for fun at Hamburg last season. I think he's got one for Brighton this season, hasn't he? He does, yeah. I just think he's exactly what you need. If you're going to be, you're going to be playing the percentages of stuff. You know, it's going to be ball in play time about 35 minutes. You're going to need to maximise your opportunities when set plays come around. You want a big Croatian who's just going to head and kick anything. I feel like I've gone far too aggressive because that's sensible. More aggressive than Wacko? Yeah, true. In the centre-back pairings. That makes sense. Okay. I went with Marco Matarazzi. Oh my… Are you going to finish… Is this XI going to finish any 90 minutes? A man who famously picked up three red cards in 33 appearances for Everton. None of which was dope, by the way. That's a good… Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's good. Three reds… Like, one red every XI games is mental. But now that you've said something sensible, I'm like between him and Pepe, are we going to have a centre-back partnership at all by the end? Big question, which Stoke player is going to headbutt Martoretzzi? Yeah, true. Isn't that a shame that his career was being known as the guy who insulted Zidane and got headbited? Yeah. I don't think he gives a s*** because he won the World Cup. He's got a legacy. He's got your s***, you've got the S-bar. True. Right, who have you gone with? So I thought about who would be playing for Stoke on the opposite side, And I thought it would be Robert Hoof. The legend is for for literally just go for like if you made Robert Hoof in a Petri dish in a lab, but like bigger, like Broader, badder. I think I know who you're going for here. Who do you think I'm going with? Nicholas Zula. I have gone with him. He looks a bit like... You're right. He's like a German turbocharged Robert Huth. Robert Huth, also German. He is. He's basically Enhanced Huth. He looks a little bit like Bill Nighy's rat in Flushed Away. But I... He does. He really does. What a shout that is. Get it up. Get it up on the... Oh, my God. If I get two pictures, you know. Enhanced Huth sounds like a... Sounds like a weird sort of like expose on Robert Huth at the Enhanced Olympics. Yeah, yeah. I just think Nikola Sula has obviously, you know, not done it the last few years. By the way, he's playing in 8th division German football. Is he actually? So if anyone follows Kreisliga in Germany, which is 8th or 9th, 8th, 9th. Anyway, yeah, he plays at the centre mid. He even played in goal the other day. So he's still in the German football system? He can play a bit. He was okay on the ball. Yeah, he's good at, you know, was it Hoffenheim he was at? Yeah, it was at Hoffenheim, yeah. Yeah, so I just kind of thought, just go with a bigger, badder hoof, basically. That was mine. Big, bad hoof. Oh, that gets my vote. Big, bad hoof, yeah. Yeah, absolutely, yeah. Okay. It's fantastic. Fight fire with fire. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Feuer with mid-feuer. Yeah. There you go. There we go. That's some GCSE German coming up. Oh my god. Yeah, fantastic. Right. We've got a who's next to Pepe. Sorry, who thinks Pepe Sula next to Pepe? Bye-bye. I actually have an honorary mention for centre-back because I thought when doing this, I was like, Sean Dyche, he's just the most centre-back stoke. Taking on centre-back. However, after some research, I found out that he went and he actually did do it on a cold, rainy night in Stoke. And that was one of the criteria to say that. Yes. To say that he can't have done it. Yeah. And you're in it. Wednesday, the 30th of October, 2002. Yeah. So- You're in it right now. You're in it. He played 90 minutes Yep. in Watford's 2-1 victory away at Stoke. You're in it. No. And in the most Sean Dyche thing ever, So why don't you start. picked up a yellow card after eight minutes. Oh, you already started it. Right. For a loss. Okay. I bet it was going through someone. Okay. I really hope it was. So- Sorry. Let them know you're there for those five minutes. I was just going to start it- I was about to. But you just started it. Here we go. He loves it. No. I took the opportunity. Oh my- Yeah, you took the opportunity. It's fantastic. Yeah. Alright. He was my honorary mention. I'm going to start it. It's perfect when I've had a night of heavy drinking the night before Yeah. Okay. So I'm going to show you- I want to show you something else. and then my voice is an octave lower. So- So fortunately, I haven't done that. So it's not quite excellent. Right, left back. Actually, we'll start with you. Before we carry on though, a quick word from today's sponsor Norton VPN. Whether you're working from a coffee shop, traveling or just browsing at home, you are constantly sending information across the internet. So what Norton VPN can do is add an extra layer of privacy by encrypting your internet connection and helping keep your online activity a little bit more private. It's simple to use, works across your everyday devices and you can connect to VPN servers in locations around the world, whether you're at home or on the move. So if you want to add another level of privacy and security to your everyday browsing, click the link in the description to find out more and see the latest Norton VPN offer. Right then, back to the video. Yeah, I've not gone quite so psycho on this one, so, um... Yeah, there are a few Arsenal fans that say that Martin Odegaard gets better when the sun's shining. He is particularly good in sunshine. But there's one Arsenal player who has got better the colder it was and that was Kieran Tierney. It seems to be that the colder it was, the shorter his sleeves Thank and the better he would play. And I distinctly remember during lockdown him sort of cutting in off the left and hitting one with his weaker foot sort of top bends. Thanks So I thought about the cold rainy night in Stoke and I thought who would who would come out of his shell the most and I thought of Kieran Tierney. A Scotsman? Yes yeah. you. Can you attest to that as a Scotsman? for I can yes yeah I'd say that you know that's that's his natural habitat. He did uh he did an interview with um 442 after having the famous um taking a carrier bag to train everybody outside designer backpacks he had a carrier bag and um Yeah, we said to him something about how, me. you know, you're really down to earth because you can't carry a bag. And he said, yeah, all my mates back home have said I've gone up in the world because I've got Tesco's. I used to have Lidl. I don't know. So. Sense of humor. Very good. Very good. I think I might pick him just for that. That's fantastic. Who have you gone for, Joe? I've gone for a little bit of a Latin flair. I'm thinking short sleeves, but gloves. I'm just, that aesthetic, as a fan who's, sorry, as a player who's coming to the Britannia, let's call it, it's going to be the Britannia. It's true. Yeah, true. Gloves and short sleeves. Yeah, gloves and short sleeves. I've gone for Jean Bozizur, ex-Wigan. Chilean. Chilean. South America, get a lot of airtime today. Someone that I think can run that line all day long. And in my team, obviously, Hibbert was at right back. I was thinking, you know, Hibbert's going to just tuck in. We're going to have three at the back. Mike, so it's two. So is Wacko. Exactly. Wacko's going to sit as well. He doesn't. No. Everyone else does his running for him. Running is for pansies. Thank Tackling, that's for hard men. Yeah, yeah. But yeah, I thought, Jon Boaz is going to go on the outside, on the overlap, and whoever else in this team. There's a little bit of a Spanish flair. If memory serves me correctly, didn't he go from Wigan to Villareal? you. He might have done. It's a well-trodden path. Yeah, like the least trodden path. Yeah, in like the Thomas Cook brochure, but like... Yeah, yeah. Actually, having said that, I might be talking absolute crap now. I feel like Antonio Valencia went from Villareal to Wigan. Well, there you go. Or something, yeah. I mean, who was scouting, who was scouting for Wigan in this same period? Because they got, you know, Mauro Buscelli, who was not a success. Obviously they had Valencia, they had Meno Figueroa. Figueroa? Jean-Paul Sajour. You know, they were scouting from Central and South America and going, Chris Kirkland. He'd tear it up at the DW. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They were Brighton before Brighton, really. Yeah. Looking in there. We can walk to Brighton, good run. Exactly. Yeah. Tell Tony Bloom that. Honestly, I feel like I would say about 10 times in this episode. I'll let us know in the comments, but they'd be far too much. People would be writing essays. Pick one thing that you think you have authority on. Who's your left bug? Mark Cucureo. Oh. For ultimate **** housery. He's good. I wonder if Stoke Could deal with resisting the temptation to pull his hair. No, no. In that era? Yeah. But then could he resist the temptation to hack anyone down? Yeah, also probably not, but that's a Marco Correa thing. I also wondered how much water weight his hair would take before he slowed down. It's a good question. And would that make him heavier in the challenge if he's, you know, like a sponge? You're like John Tickle from Borrelia, really asking the scientific questions. What a reference. Yeah. Yeah, he's not running through custard. Bastard. I remember that one. Yeah, yeah, that was genius, yeah. It's Montcoucourier with sopping wet hair. How heavy does he look? Montcoucourier, yeah. Because even still, you know, Stoke rain is different rain. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Finally, sexy freak. Yeah. Yeah. I'm going Kukaria as well. All right. It's a great show. Yeah, an MC. Into midfield then. Right, I've actually gone down the route that I think you mentioned about set pieces. Okay. I've gone with Becks. Okay. Set pieces against Stoke are going to be a big deal, especially with that wind. Also, the fact that he's like the poster boy of beauty. And, uh, not my words and up against Rory DeLapp. Yeah. Up against Stoke where you kind of grimace just thinking about it. I'm not saying people from Stoke are ugly at all. I'll say Tony Pulis is a disclaimer. Tony, Tony Pulis is probably a handsome man to somebody, but I feel like Beckham just is the ultimate kind of anti-Stoke contrast. Um, but I did also say, by the way, um, like we're bashing the idea of Stoke, a very successful Tony Pulis side. You could have an FA Cup. So it's not all bad. Yeah. You do need a bit of... They were effective. ... quality. But yeah, I'd like... They're set pieces. You'd like... I've gone similar. I should say. I've gone for Maradona. Yeah. Maradona and Stoke? Just because, you know, we're talking about quality, you know, we're talking about somebody with genuine world-class quality. And yeah, when I, when I spoke to Peter Crouch a few years ago, he was telling me that, you Aaron Ramsey came up to him at Stoke and was like, how high is the grass here? This is ridiculous. And he was going, that's just how we cut it here. That's just what we do. If you've ever seen the pitches that Maradona played in Mexico, I'd like to see what the Britannia groundsman would do to try and foil Maradona. Would it be potholes? Would it be mousetraps? What would they do? Didn't Chelsea make their pitch really sandy when Mouradinho came to Southwood Bridge? I remember they did it against Charlton in the early 2000s and the fans sang the Green Green Grass of Home by Tom Jones, which is brilliant. That's very good. Yeah. Good little Stoke reference in there, Tom Jones. You didn't even think of that, did you? No, no. You were just on. I feel like they did it when when Ardino scored that mad... The toe poke. Yeah. It was that or it was for a game when Messi came and they basically made the pitch horrendous. I mean, that is ridiculous. However... I kind of admire the s**thousery behind it, to just be like s**t, we're sacrificing everything. Who have you gone for? Maradona's brilliant. Right wing I've gone for Rafinha, because I did see a Rafinha Leeds up close and personal many years, well two years. And many times, playing at places like the Hawthorns, just ran the show. It was cold. It was like the end of December. This is kind of the reference game that I'm using here. Right. End of December, cold. Yeah, there was no fans because it was COVID, but he just absolutely ran it. And I thought, you need that sort of, that maverick to just glide past. Similar to your, you know, Maradona. Yeah, true. Yeah. I think there's a lot of thought that's gone into these three. This is possibly the closest one we've had. Yeah, yeah. I mean, you know, Beckham, Maradona, Rafinha, they've all, you know, earned their stripes in the world of football, these are the ones I say. Hell of an eye out. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, I'm not sure who to go with. I feel like someone's going to budge. I'm going to swing from Beckham to Maradona. OK, let's go Maradona. Yeah, I just feel like you can't ignore him. Maradona at Stoke. I don't think there's a pitch that could stop him, in some sort of way, or genius. I mean, look at the clips from the Azteca in 1986. There were patches which are pretty barren. True. And the run that he goes on when the camera sort of zooms in, you can see the ball bobbling around. Yeah. And he was still, you know, had complete mastery over it. So, yeah, long grass. Don't care, no. Right, into centre midfield. You want to start, Joe? I'll start. So, um, and. Given that we actually do have quite a few Latin players in here, this is not actually a bad show. Similar for dead ball, similar for sort of, you know, just that sort of unfazed, you know, my quality will shine through. I've gone for Juan Roman Riquelme. Excellent. And he's at Stoke. He's not going to care. He's going to walk out onto the pitch beforehand, check out the surroundings, you know, probably cross himself as he crosses the white line and just go and knock him . I've played at La Bombonera, El Monumental, I've played at every tough ground in South America. He has also got that kind of unpredictability of his character as well, that he would fit in with the team that we are building. Yeah, him and Maradona, that's quite... If somebody rang you up and said, I went to the game earlier and there was a red card, They'd be like, what? Was it Schiller there? Was it Riquelme? Was it Waco? Was it Pepe? Was it Sula? I feel Riquelme has earned his place in this thing. Sigh. Who have you gone for then? I kind of went with a similarly mercurial player. I went with Jojo Acoccia because obviously I love him. Bolton walked so Stoke could run. Wigan walked so Brighton could run. Yeah, I thought I'd like to see Okocha doing rainbow flicks over Glenn Whelan. I thought that'd be fun. But yeah, I think the other side of Stoke that we don't, you know, we haven't really touched on yet is actually they did have a lot of sort of top top players like they had like Ibrahim Afalai was great like back in the day. Bojan, Shaqiri, they had people who could play. I just think Okocha, like, he's Barkley's heritage. So that's why I went against him. He's almost proven. Well, he is proven. He is. You're right, yeah. Yeah. Who did you go for? I went really boring. I went with Roy Keane. I wouldn't say that's boring. I'd say it's, you know, it makes complete sense. It makes sense, and I feel like he's 100% guaranteed to have a good game. I did actually check, by the way, if he played at Stoke. United played away at Stoke in the League Cup in 1993, and he wasn't in the squad. And they lost. And they lost. They won the return leg with Roy Keane in it. Oh, okay. So they lost 2-1, they won 2-0. So he had a chance. Strengthens your argument. There you go. Yeah, it does strengthen my argument. How do you think Roy Keane and Wacko are going to get along? Just do your job. It's a good job we didn't put Mick McCarthy. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. That is very topical. I think, I'm thinking Raquel May. I think. Yeah. That's the team we're building. Uh, but it was my pick, so I'm going to cycle it. All right, we'll go with Raquel May next to Maradona. Um, the next, I actually feel ridiculous now for going for the next centre midfielder. I've just gone for the Italian Roy Keane in Gattuso. Fair enough. He is the Italian Roy Keane. Yeah, the Italian Roy Keane. Both of them sounds ridiculous, and now it sounds like I'm building a play of 11 red cards. He knows what the weather's like. He's played in the UK before. He played at Rangers, which might be similar to Stoke. Yeah, I just feel like he's the villain and he plays the villain so damn well. He's my pick. I really haven't got much more than that. I love there's a story in Andrea Pirlo's autobiography about how they used to prank him. Have you heard this? That they would go and wait under his bed when they were like, obviously not in his house, when they were in like Italian duty. It was him and a couple of other players would go and sit under his bed and he describes it so well that he would... Come in dressed in his leopard print pyjamas sit and read read a book but only look at the pictures and then they jump out give him a heart attack and then he'd sort of grab them and beat them up. I just think that is that is a Stoke player. And you can see it happen in a nutshell yeah yeah but he would fit in perfectly. Oh my god that's funny. Who have you gone for? Wait, who did you go for? Wait, who did you go for? Oh, I've not gone for one. Oh, yeah, true. Sorry, I was going to say. You just sounded like you were agreeing with me so much. Oh, yeah. Well, mine's not as good as that. I've gone with the sort of modern player that I think could handle it the most and that I'd like to see there the most. I've gone with Sangare of Brentford. I just feel he started the season really well, completely filled her, but he's not had a... He's not had the test of Stoke away yet. So I'd just like to throw him in there, just see how he gets on. Real sink or swim moment. Premier League new boy. It's like, hey, but has he done Stoke away? Exactly. That was my thinking. If they get Brentford in the FA Cup, then this will be, come back to this. We will be there. We will be there. We will be applying for press accreditation. Just to see if you're, If you're, um... what do you call it, a prediction? Prophecy. Prophecy, yeah. If this prophecy comes true, yeah. And you? I've gone for Paul Gascoigne. Because again, he's not going to give two sh** about what Stoke fans are giving to him. You know, he'll moony them. You know, he'll, he will though, wouldn't he? You know, he goes to take a throw in and, you know, he'll be getting abuse from someone from the potteries and he'll just go, drops his trouser, drops his shorts, whatever. He'd do that sort of thing and then, you know, he'd weave through the middle of the park. I mean, who's he going to be playing against? Glenn Whelan? Did Salif Jow play for Steven Ireland? Steven Ireland, yeah. I just feel like I love the idea of Gazza and Riquelme. Gazza and Riquelme. Good luck tracking back. But yeah, I was going to say, there's zero defensive work going on here with Maradona, Riquelme, and potentially Gazza. Yeah. I like your Gattuso pick for that reason. Because I feel like we maybe need a Gattuso. You need an enforcer. I'm sorry, anyone who's voluntarily taken on Joe Jordan on touchline. Yeah, true. Like, did you not see him play? I think you need in your team if you're going to Stoke. Apparently he used to take his teeth out for games, Joe Jordan. I mean, didn't he have them out at that scuffle at Pitchside when Spurs went to Milan? No, I think he had good money by then so he got them done. I'm done. But yeah, apparently in his playing days he used to take them out for a game. That would terrify me about if I was Joe Jordan I'd do it in the tunnel to freak other people out. Oh yeah, yeah. You wait till everybody can see you and then you just blow us in slowly. Yeah, you'd have someone take him out like yeah, but look well out here It's kind of like Paul Ince waiting to put his shirt on but just not scary. Yeah. Yeah Yeah. At all. Yeah, what was that about? No idea. Not a clue. Rituals are just bizarre that and that that's up there You're right. We're going to do so. Yeah, good to see next to Rick hell mate. I love it left wing. We'll start with you rock Left midfield, sorry, it's 4-4-2. None of this left wing crap. So I thought about which left midfielder I have watched over the years who is just quality no matter who it's against, where it's against, when it's against. And I just thought Gareth Bale. I know it's boring, but... But he's played at Stoke. Yeah. He's played against them. Can I just say, I think Tony Hibbert has as well, but I was keeping Shtum because of that. Yeah, so was I. We're going to have to discuss. Okay, well, Tony Hibbert didn't get picked. Yeah. Bale scored that ridiculous goal for Spurs, the volley. Was that like the start of the 11-12 season? It was in the sunshine, though. I was thinking of like, yeah, I was thinking of like Pete Gareth Bale. When I thought of it, I thought of Andrew Gareth Bale and I thought, I mean, obviously I've gone from the left wing, but I was thinking against, you know, my con at San Siro. I just. I just wanted to see. Could you do it against Jeff Cameron? I just wanted to see him run rings in this team. And, right, okay, so Stoke, what they did, so what they do, I'm back, I've been trying to go back to 2008. What they did was obviously they moved the advertising hoardings further back so that Rory DeLapp could do his long throws. I think what Bale did to Mark Bartram when he ran off the pitch and then back on, he could do that every week. Well, not every week. He could do that every time he sent the ball forward. Yeah, I just wanted to go with somebody who would, you know, set the world alight. And I thought Maradona on one side, I'm going to go with Maradona on the other. Why not? It's true. It was Maradona. Exactly. It was Maradona, the Argentinian bale. Who are you going with? I've gone for, again, more s***housery. More s***housery. We need more. And a player who I think would rile Stoke fans up, because he riles fans up wherever he goes, Vinnie Jr. Don't get me wrong, they'd kick the sh** out of him, but eventually, I feel like he'd succeed. I'd like to see him dance in front of steak fans. Yeah, true. I'd like to see that. I remember when Jesse Lingard milly-rocked at St. James' Park and I've never been angrier at a football match. No. It would be good. I just feel like Vinny is the ultimate Marmite player. Like you just, you love him or you hate him. I love him. I think he's amazing. I think he's great. Yeah. Are you not a little bit concerned that he might, he just might not fancy it? Cause I feel like there's been a few occasions where, you know, Goes on the pitch for Real Madrid in a tough place in La Liga. Joe, we've got Maradona. It's mine. Yeah, that's a completely redundant argument, isn't it? I'd put my arm around Vinnie and be like, have one of Moritz's cakes, we'll be all right. One of Kevin Keegan's old, you know, motivational tropes was, you know, I'm not sure about that shirt, but I am sure about the man that's in it. You could do that in... Please tell me you actually did that. Yeah, he did to Shea Gibbons. That is fantastic. It's when Newcastle had the very sort of patterned goalkeeper kit. Yeah. So Kevin Keegan was going, I'm not sure about that shirt, Shea. I am sure about the player that's in it. You would feel tempted to, wouldn't you? I feel like I need to use that, like, on nights out with my mates. Just to G them up, get into the club, but they're a bit nervous. Oh, boy. Mind you, she'll just turn around and go, what do you mean you don't like my shirt? Yeah. So you won't even make it to the second half of that? No. Oh, my God. Very good. Right, who's your left winger? My left winger, I've gone for sort of the cheeky, chappy variety, because... To balance out the wacko, I think, I've gone with David Bentley. Oh, it's good. Because, yes, this is influenced by the World Cup. Did go to the darts. And as I was going to the toilet, I came back and David Bentley, he was dressed up in some sort of fancy dress garb. And some bloke had collared him and said, can I get a picture and everything? And as the flash goes off, David Bentley decides to just bite this guy's nipple or something. I could have got a photo of that. I didn't, but it's also just like in, in the bowels of this, in like Madison square garden. Yeah. I'm thinking, have I gone to sleep in other strangers dream? I just feel like that, that sort of energy, you kind of need. Dream about David Bentley biting nipples? I don't know. No, no, no, only on Thursdays. You could have told me that David Bentley played three years for Stoke, 24 appearances, six goals. I'm wondering whether, To disqualify that as well, because I feel like he might have played at Stoke. He might have done, yeah. I mean, I'm happy to go with Vinnie. I'm happy to go with Vinnie as well. Yeah, we're disqualifying, but Bale definitely did. Oh yeah, Bale definitely did, yeah. Bentley was at Spurs from 2008 to 2012. Yes. The exact Stoke we're talking about. I feel like at some point he must have. Yeah. I think it's Vinny by process of elimination. Vinny it is. Vinny Jr. Brilliant. Right, up top. I'll start with my first one because it's the epitome of chaos and the beautiful game. I'm not going to have to go with Eric Cantona. Is he going to kung fu kick someone? Is he going to score a great goal? It's pretty much Eric Cantona's career, but it just feels like it's though we would amplify this chaos. I need no persuasions, ever. Well, who is yours, then? Well, I've gone with a... Do you want one or two? Because I've gone with a little and large partnership up top. Let's go with the little man first, because I've got a big man as well. Okay. I've gone with Leandro Trossard. Um, Right. Just because he has a habit of always coming up with goals in big moments, clutch moments. I want to see him at Stoke. I want to see it because he scored against Brighton as an Arsenal player and then just went over to the Brighton fans and did his old... You know, he's won the hearts of Anne Hathaway loves him. She absolutely loves him. He scored like so many big goals for Arsenal, like 25 million. I feel like he is a sort of a lost stoke player. Like I could have seen him at the Britannia just sort of weaving his magic. He has kind of, he's got no heart. Leandro Trossard, he will score against you and have absolutely no kind of, like, he's just quite cold, like, not like a cold-blooded killer like Erling Haaland, but he is that kind of, yeah, I just, I thought he'd be a perfect kind of foil for my other pick. For the big man, who have you got on little man? My little man is, compared to the other pick, the little man is former Birmingham City striker Stern John. We'll There's a name I haven't heard in forever. And that's part of the reason I picked it. Did he play against Stoke? I don't know if he did. In fact, now that I'm thinking about it, be he might have played for Stoke. I'm right And my other pick, I know for a fact, has played and scored at Stoke. So I've just clearly not got the answer. not Yeah, yeah, you have not got the answer. We're going with my choices then. But yeah, Stern John as the sort of back. the swaggering, swashbuckling centre forward joking. that can just send a rocket. He's not going to score. 15, 20 goals in a season. But he might get you a brace at the Britannia just because he fancies it. Is there anyone else ever called Stern? That's what I mean as well. It's a fantastic name. His name is Stern. It's brilliant. Yeah. He is, yeah. I had this a few weeks ago and I, for some reason, was on Wikipedia looking at Rule Fox. There is no... Is there anyone else called Rule? Uh... Not in the footballing world, I don't think. That is a great name. I don't think you need to apologise for that. As, you know, Spurs fan, Newcastle fan. Yeah, true. I don't think, you know. Wikipedian. You should be on Real Fox's Wikipedia at least once every six months. True. I feel like he played for Montserrat. Yes, he did. He did. He did. And. Sternjohn played for Trinidad. Are we basically saying that we uncultured swines don't know anything about sort of Caribbean naming conventions? Potentially. Or maybe we're actually, on the flip side, we're saying, love what you've done with the names, lads. Yeah, true. I do like them. I'll ask our knees. I'll ask her. Oh, really? Okay, ask her. Yeah, yeah. I'm now thinking, we spoke about Kenwin Jones earlier. I don't know any other Kenwins. Kenwin? No. Dwight York? Dwight? I do know that. Yeah. True. All right, get back to us in a few episodes' time. I will. Who are we picking then? I love Sternjob, but I think he's played at Stoke. I think, should we double-check that? Right. Whilst you're double-checking that on Google. I'm happy to go with Cantona because I love Cantona. I do love Cantona. I do want Trossard, but I understand if I get outvoted on this. You know what's crossing my mind about Trossard? In doing all of my Wikipedia-ing and other research for this episode, left-wing instead of Vinnie, I wanted to go for Kaoru Mitoma. Okay. Because he did a thesis at university on the art of dribbling at uni in Japan. And I thought, wow, that's brilliant. Googled it. Turns out he played for Brighton a few years ago in an FA Cup game away at Stoke. And I'm starting to think that Trossard might have been there. When did Trossard sign for Arsenal? 2022. 22. Oh, 22. 23. 23, January 23. Oh. Yeah. I believe that this Brighton Stoke game was the fifth round, which is after January. So maybe, maybe he left just before. Yeah, I want to get into my own though. He had great vision. True. Sternjohn did get a brace away at Stoke, playing for Southampton in 2008. So you've basically confused your subconscious for a factual information. Yeah, sometimes there is something in the back of your mind and you have no idea where or how it's got there. And sometimes it's Sternjohn scoring a brace away at Stoke, for who, Birmingham? For Southampton. Yeah. Did he play for Birmingham? Yeah. Sturgeon. Yeah. I have the sticker, the Merlin sticker. Or two or three. Throwback. Yeah. He also played against Stoke for Coventry and Sunderland. It didn't play for them. So it's Birmingham City, Sturgeon. That's what I'm going for. Okay. Birmingham City, Sturgeon. It's Steve Bruce managed Birmingham City, Sturgeon in the fly B blue kit. Okay. That's who I'm going with. So is that Christoph Dugary times? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Those times. He went on loan at Stoke, or he was at least played against them. Maybe. Because a lot of time in the championship. Anyway, who are we going with? Are we disqualifying Sterling John, Trossard, Cantona? I do like Cantona. I feel like Cantona. Yeah, go with Cantona. He's our little. He's the sensible pick. Thank Who have you gone for big for the last one? So, When you think of a big man up top, you think of Peter Crouch. Peter Crouch obviously played for Stoke. True. I wanted to go for somebody who's taller than Peter Crouch. I searched for Google. We might have gone for the same player. Six foot eight. You say yours? No, we've gone for Jan Koller. you. Yes, Jan! I knew you'd have gone for it. Yeah. Did you go for him? No, specifically because I knew you'd go for him. And the fact, as soon as you started saying that, I knew straight away. We all have to go for Jan Koller. Unbelievable. Bowering over Peter Crouch. 6'8", 100 kilograms. Yeah, and every bit of 6'8". It's not like he's a, you know, a long streak of piss. He actually went in goal once as well. Did he? Against Bayern Munich for Dortmund. Was he good? He gets a clean sheet for the rest of the game, but they lost 2-1. But I think they won the Bundesliga anyway. He's kind of done his job there, hasn't he? Yeah, it's like 25 years ago or something. Yeah. So just in case Schillerbeck gets sent off, we've got a back-arm goalkeeper. Unless they scrap each other in the dressing room. True. Or unless your pick... Well, no, my pick, again, is not permissible. The number one thing that I think is really, really, really, really, really, really, really, If these were like Premier League rules, I'd be getting 114 charges for my... True, true. I might have to kick you off for this episode. You can do the **** podcast. We will appeal. Yeah, I went for Andy Carroll because, and despite the fact that I know that he has scored a header, and I remember being in the back of my dad's car, listening to it on the radio when he did score in the 08-09 season at the Britannia. But I just thought... Who's perfect for flick-ons? Andy Carroll at his peak was just, he was unplayable with flick-ons. He was, yeah. You know, you've got wingers that are going to be running past him. You've got Stern in my world, Birmingham City's Stern John, who's just going to pick the ball up and then shrug off two defenders and go through one-on-one. I just thought Carroll, and also he's a, you know, He's got a bit about him as well. He's a handful. He's a handful. He's a handful. True. The Robert Huth-Andy Carroll clashes must have been huge. I feel like he's got the personality for the dressing room. That's what I'm trying to say. I feel like he's got that kind of, like, he will get on the gaza. You know he will get on the gaza. I'm worried we have too much personality in this dressing room. I don't think you can have too much personality in the dressing room. I think personality is only an issue when you don't have enough of it. Yeah. You always hear fans go, you know, where's the leadership? Where's the personality? You're never complaining you've got too much leadership in this team. We've just got too many leaders. I'm amazed no one mentioned Stuart Pearce, to be honest. Did that cross anyone's mind? There are a few players that I did consider for this, but I thought, you know what? The topics for future episodes, they might be better suited. Oh, because I've got an honorary mention for up top. By the way, who are we going with? Jan Koller? I think Jan Koller. You both went for it. My honorary mention, although he played against Stoke in the lower leagues, is someone who has all the technical ability to be good, plus has the lower league know-how of muddy pitches and aggressive fans, Lee Trundle. Lee Trundle. In the same ballpark, John Parkin. Does he have the same ability as Lee Trundle? He might have actually played for Stoke, so... I feel like John Parker played for Stoke. I think he did. Lower League Stoke. I'm not sure. Lee Trundle, one of my favourite people I've ever interviewed. Oh yeah, was he good? You spoke to him. Lovely guy. Lovely guy. He feels like good charisma, personality, chatty bloke. Great. Brilliant. He was, yeah, he's a big 442 fan. Yeah, he got on, I think he got on the cover once when they did a EFL cover at the top 50. And yeah, he was just great. Really, really good bloke. Lee Trundle. Love him. You can go on the bench. Oh, for vibes. Don't even get me started on a bench. We ain't got time for that. We'll be here forever. We ain't got time for that. Right, that is it then. That is the team. A quick roundup. I'm trying to remember everyone who picked. We've got Shillivangol, we've got Wackett, Pepe. Pepe, alongside Nicolas Zula, and then left-back, we'd win, Kukureya? Kukureya, yeah. We'd go Kukureya. Maradona right mid, Riquelme, Gattuso, Vini Jr. That is outrageous. What a midfielder that is. There's flair in there. And then an up-front duo of Eric Cantona and Giancola. Can you imagine if we put Stern John in that team? See? You've got Riquelme, Maradona. And Gattuso and Vinnie Jr. trying to serve a guy who was, you know, at best a championship striker. I would not have a Stern-John blast from you. No, of course. You went to a World Cup, mate. Come on. Yeah. And look, he clearly left an impression on me. Stern-John and Andy Carroll. That is a full first name duo, if I've ever heard one. Yeah, yeah. John and Carroll. Yeah. No, no, no. Come on. You need full names. You sound like your next-door neighbours, though. You're joking. John and Carol are taking in our Amazon parcels. There was a great tweet about that. I remember when Steve Bruce was at Villa and his assistant was John Terry and someone was like, two men, four first names. That's fantastic. That is the sort of niche thing we need. We need an 11 for a future episode. Terry and Bruce. Of two first names. Your dad's mates. Terry and Bruce. John Terry and Steve Bruce are sent in half. Already halfway there. Well, to a defence anyway. Yeah. Brilliant. Right, that's the 11 for this week. Thanks so much for tuning in. Drop us a like. Leave one of many ridiculous comments in the comment section below. And we'll be back for more next week.