Emotional Healing: How to Break Free and Truly Heal | Transformation Coach Insights

So emotional healing is a state. It's a state where you have an understanding of your emotions. A lot of people think emotional healing is stopping negative emotions. It's like now I will never have grief, now I will never have trauma. No, it's about how you deal with the emotions. Emotional healing is actually acquiring tools to manage and transform emotions. Welcome back for Celeste's Reflection. I hope mothers, you enjoyed your Mother's Day. Yeah, and the guardians, you know. I hope you also go to celebrate your mom in whatever little way. So yeah, and now we are here back after Mother's Day. Back to work, back for Celeste's Reflection. And today I'm not alone. I have a guest. And I feel whatever we're going to be discussing is something very, well, I don't say close to heart because most of the things we talk about here are close to heart. So it's something that. It will resonate with many, a lot of us. Some things that we've tried to heal. We're talking about emotional healing. We've tried to heal but we can't. So, yes. So, our guest today is going to help us. How we're going to heal emotionally. She reached out, by the way. I tell her every time I reach out to Celeste. The email is thecelestinedinda at gmail.com And not reach out. Like reach out to teach us. To teach us. To tell us. To tell us one or two things that might help us in this. in this life. Yeah, so welcome Caroline. Thank you so much. Thank you for reaching out. Yeah, I thought, you know, you're having very profound conversations that are very... real conversations in our daily lives and I thought let me contribute what I know it might help somebody. Thank you. And thank you for inviting me. I love your locks so much. Thank you so much. They are teenagers now. They turned 13. Yes. No. Happy 13th birthday to your locks. Thank you. So I just want to understand. What made you pursue that course? Like, what made you... Before we come to explain... Yeah. I feel like it has to be so for me it's from experience I am a transformation coach I'm a public speaking trainer and mentor I'm a mother I'm a closet musician and I am a spiritual seeker. So those are some of the identities I go by. Yes, there are many. All of us have so many titles. I'm a daughter, I'm a sister. But you as a professional, I'm a what? A public speaker? Public speaking coach and trainer and mentor. Okay, so today we are focusing on the, I think we'll also do the public speaking part. They're connected by the way, imagine. For real? They are. Somehow. Not even somehow. It's complete, they're completely connected. We'll see how they are connected. Okay. So maybe now, the question that I started with, what made you think of going to the emotional? It's my experience, as I had started to say. So I'm a trained PR practitioner. So I did a BA in communications with a major in PR. So that's what I was doing. I was doing agency PR. And then I got into corporate. I started doing operations management. And then that is when I got into a very huge depression. So I got depressed and it became so bad, it became psychotic. I had to be institutionalized, I had to be medicated. Coochiezy. El Cuele. So then I got better, like I got medicated. And then in the process of, after I went home with all this medication, One day I just realized it's like I'm just floating above my body. It's like I'm just a zombie moving around. This time I had quit my job. My business had collapsed when I went to hospital. So I was just at home, you know, stay at home, mom. And I had this feeling of, I call it an existential crisis. I was like, what am I here? Why am I here? Because in the course of that whole depression, I had attempted suicide like three times. So I got the message, I'm not supposed to die. But then I didn't know why I'm living. And so that is the beginning of my journey. So I started to explore purpose. And as I was exploring purpose, I came across various people online. Who are helping people who helped me and I was like, what is this thing they do and I realized most of them are going by the title life coach. So I was like, by the way, is there life coaching in Kenya? I searched and then when I searched, I came across an institution in Kenya called Destiny Life Coaching and that's how I got into coaching and that was like nine years ago when I got into coaching. I was just about to ask how long was this, like, when you're being, when you're, when you're... When you were depressed, how long was it back? That was 11 years ago. 11 years ago. Yes, 11 years ago is when I went through depression. Was it after your babies? How did you get yourself there? How did you find yourself there? First of all, I did not even know I was dealing with anxiety until it really paralyzed me. So I had this constant feeling of my heart racing, a pit in my stomach. I had this experience of not being sure. Some weakness within me that I had kind of gotten used to. So what I was attributing it to, because as I was changing jobs, I was feeling that I was feeling like it's because, you know, the workplace is not conducive or maybe I'm meant to start my business. So I was looking at the external and blaming it on how I'm feeling. Until one day, I could not get into my house. So I got, I was feeling this feeling and I called my sister. I remember we stood outside Mr. Price at their archives and I was telling her how I'm feeling. And she was like, you just go home and sleep. And when I got to my house, for some weird reason, I could not open the door. And my phone was dead, so I couldn't call anyone inside to open for me. And it's like, it's like my body has a motor, or I don't understand why. Like it came from the heart to the external part of the body. External. Now my body is, I'm hyperventilating, I'm terrified, like it's a terrifying feeling, but there's nothing to blame it on. It's like if a lion walked in here, how you would feel? But now there's no lion. So I slept there, outside there. Like I had a show, I always carry a show, so I put it down and I slept. And inside the house, my husband is like, where is this woman? It's midnight. It's 1 a.m. And then, I think it's God's grace, he was just like, let me go and catch some air. Because he called my sis, my sis is like, So, he didn't know where to start looking for me. So, when he came out, that's when he found me there. He was like, what's wrong with you? Are you mad? Like, at the door. At that point, I was really dissociated. So I was not operating normally. It's like I was operating on command, like a robot. So he told me, He's like, I don't know what's happening to your sister. It's like she's mad. She's just looking at me. And I'm hearing, like I'm hearing it from, like he's speaking from another room. It's like I can't operate my system. So that morning when I woke up the following morning, he had already gone to work. But that incident came flashing back in my mind and I'm like, what was that? And the thing that kept ringing in my head is the question he was asking, are you mad? Are you mad? You know what I did? I took a mat. I went to a Aga Khan. I went to the building directory, I looked for psychologists, psychiatrists, I found a doctor and I went into the office and when the psychologist sat with me he was like what has brought you here? I said something happened yesterday and my husband asked me if I'm mad and I'm here to find out if I'm mad. That's how my journey started. I started doing psychotherapy But then it got worse. They had to give me medicine. So the doctor was like, for sure, it's something. Yeah, I was given an assessment. There's usually an assessment you do. You fill in some questions and then they rate you and they see. So I was diagnosed then with clinical depression. And then they started the psychotherapy sessions. I was going for sessions twice a week. And then the anxiety would not go, even with the sessions. So I had to get some medicine for the anxiety. Now One of the, the medicine they gave me is Prozac and one of the side effects of Prozac is what was causing me to be suicidal. And I didn't know until after the whole process after I had even become a coach. So you see the thing about medication and this is why I'm very passionate about emotional healing to avoid people from getting to that level. Because when you get to that level where you're medicated, Okay, it's good that it helps you manage, but if you can prevent getting to that level, that's the best thing. Because they are trying to manage your brain chemicals, and it's usually like an experiment. They don't know how you will react to this. And at the end of the day, I ended up with so much medication because it has so many side effects. One of the side effects I got was restless feet. Restless feet is you can't settle. In Kikuyu, they call it faka-faka, you know, like... Unatingika tingika tu? No, kutembea, actually, it's like I can't settle here. I feel like there's something I need to do in the next room. I go to the next room, nini meni leta uku? That's a side effect, ya dawa? Ya dawa, yes. Another side effect was, it's like my clock in my brain switched off, so I couldn't tell. If I sit here, I don't know if I've been here for 30 minutes or 10 minutes, you know. It's a function of the brain for you to know how long you have been somewhere. There are so many side effects and it's yeah. Thank you for that backstory. At least now we get to understand who Karo is and why she's doing whatever she's doing. So maybe to start things off. I know we've started and I know I'm starting to be like, oh yeah, but you've said it was 11 years ago. So now Karo is this coach that you're going to be talking with today. So maybe just to Emotional healing is a state. It's a state where you have an understanding of your emotions. A lot of people think emotional healing is stopping negative emotions. It's like, now I will never have grief. Now I will never have trauma. No, it's about how you deal with the emotions. Emotional healing is actually acquiring tools to manage and transform emotions. So that's, and you do it, it's lifelong. So why am I doing, why, when I have this emotion, what do I do? That is what you're saying. Yeah, exactly. What happens when your nervous system is running an emotion? What do you do with that emotion? How do you respond to that emotion? How do you express that emotion? Because life ultimately is an whole emotional expression because what moves you to do what you do is emotion. The reason why you're doing this podcast is you felt something about something, you know? Yes, that's true. Yeah, so emotion is like the fuel that leads us to productivity and creativity. But then we do not have knowledge and tools on how to deal with emotion. So sometimes we suppress emotions. So when you suppress them and we don't process them, then they become a hindrance to our life, our wellness, our success, our joy. Yeah, because they become like stagnant water. You know what stagnant water, it attracts mosquitoes, it becomes smelly. So as long as the emotions are moving through your body and you're expressing them and transforming them, then you're healthy. So emotional healing is not about letting go of negative emotions and just doing positive emotions. No, it's that process of letting it flow through you. So I understand that, I love that you've also, it's like you've answered my next question because I was like, so why do I need to? Why do I need to understand my emotions? And you've given an example, it's like stagnant water. So if you don't address the emotions, you won't. But then there are people, so I have this kind of emotion, there are times I feel, because anxiety is like, especially moms, it's like all of us have anxiety. Yeah, yeah. Sometimes. Personally, I can be so anxious that I can't sleep. Like at night, you know, I'm like, there's something I need to do. There's something that is coming up maybe in a few months. But then I panic. You can't sleep. Then after it's done, you feel happy. You know, the emotion is like, wow, it's over. So you get to a point of, ah. Is it okay? Yeah, it's fine because first of all, a very good understanding of emotions is emotion is a signal. Emotions are telling you what's happening in your mind. Emotions are like pain. You know, when you feel pain, it's information, it's saying somewhere it's inflamed or your finger is in fire, or if you use it as a signal, then you're going to deal with whatever it is that is causing the emotion. So many times we think emotion is a problem. It's like if you feel pain, you think that's the problem. And you see, in our society today, we are really just treating symptoms. So you just want the pain to end. You take maramoja or whatever painkiller and you move on. And the thing that was causing the pain that needed your attention is still there. So usually, emotion tells you there's something that's happening in your mind. There's a way you're thinking about something. And it's your chance to correct your thinking. That's the opportunity. Either correct your thinking or act. Now, when that doesn't happen, emotions sit in your body. They sit in your body and process. The same way you suppress with Maramoja, the pain stops because you've cut short the signal, but the problem persists. So what happens is the more you suppress, the more you suppress, the more it becomes what I call gross. It starts to affect your physical body. So you get physical ailments because of emotional suppression. And remember also, there are certain emotions when they run in your nervous system, they put you on fight-flight mode. That survival mode. So when you're on survival mode, your body behaves a certain way. So imagine a lion walks in here. What happens to your body? First, it starts to prepare for you to run or to fight it or to play dead. So once that emotion is running and puts you on survival mode, you have a dominant response. My dominant nervous response in such situations is play dead. That's why I got depressed. For some people it's fight and they become very aggressive, they become very you know passionate and all that. Other people is escapism. So when you're on survival mode because you have repressed certain emotions, your heart rate increases, you get high blood pressure. Your immunity is suppressed, you get serious infections. Your blood sugar is increased because you need to run away from the lion, you get diabetes. So that's why they are calling them lifestyle diseases and most of them are stress caused because you're putting your system on survival mode because you don't know how to deal with emotions. So now that you've mentioned it, And most of us have those diseases we have in our menu. diabetes, pressure, hypertension. What are some of the tools? Like, how do you start this journey of emotional healing? First of all, you need to develop a very intimate relationship with your body. Because your body is always giving you information. Your body, remember you are a soul, first of all. You're not your body. You have a body. you're not your body so because you are a soul in the body the body is like the vehicle if you're in a car and you're driving your car you will not just go on as if nothing has happened you will be like oh what could be the problem you become more curious more attentive But what do we do when our body starts koro-koro? You distract. You distract yourself. Let me drink. Let me go and have some sex somewhere. Let me have good food somewhere, you know. We need to change that relationship with our bodies. Connect with your body and start to feel your body. How does it feel? So that you can also start learning your emotional patterns. What happens when this happens? How do you feel when this happens? That is step number one. And before step number one, that's why there's stuff like meditation. Because what is meditation? Is you connecting with yourself and just being with your breath. As you're being with your breath, you start to notice, I have an ache here. I have a pinch here. I have, you see? So it's like you're listening to your body. You're listening to your body, exactly. Because remember, your body is the one that is telling you where you have put the emotions. Because your body is like a bug. You feel grief here, you're like don't cry, don't cry, stop crying, you're the big one don't cry anymore. You pack it, you put it in your thigh. You pack this anger, you let it go you pack it, you pack it in your chest. So when you start to listen to your body you will start to notice where you have packed emotions and most of the time it's where we are aching and paining and where we have growths and things like those. So when you start to notice and use your body as a messenger that is telling you what's happening, then what Then what automatically begins to happen Automatically is that you will start to change your thinking. And that's what transformation is. When you start to change how you think, firstly about yourself, you start to develop a new perspective about yourself. And that is the result of emotional healing. The reason why we are doing emotional healing in the first place is because we are trying to get anything that stands in the way of our full potential out of the way. Because we want to be fully expressed the way we were created with all the potential within us. We want to bring it out and share it out in the world. But these emotions that you've packed, that are like barricades. And that's the reason. So you connect with your body. And then, of course, there are many tools that can be taught. And that's why we tell people, look for a professional who can start you on a journey. But the most basic thing is, I tell people is that, like just body scan and meditation. And also journaling. Because when you journal, you start to now pour out your thoughts. And you can see your thoughts like on paper. And you'll be like, no wonder I'm feeling like this. If this is how I'm thinking, then no wonder I'm feeling like this. And you start to see how you're disempowering yourself. Actually, that was my next question. Because I'm sure it has, if you don't do it, there are causes, there are repercussions. Yes. Between you and your family, between your relationships, you know. Exactly. And that's why I do what I do in three levels. So I do it on a personal level. I do it on a family level and I do it on a corporate level because your relationships are where you get to express the extent of your emotional maturity or emotional immaturity. You will never know how emotionally mature or immature you are if you're sitting alone in a room. But in relationship, you can tell. And if you are committed to your journey, if you are committed to being a better person, You're committed to being... A person who thrives and succeeds in just expressing their divine potential, then you're going to use your relationships as a mirror. So if you don't work on these suppressed emotions, there are different levels that it's going to affect you. The first level is that it affects how you think, because it's like you're cycling. So if you're angry today and you don't process and transform your anger, tomorrow you'll have more angry thoughts. So your thinking is affected, which means that even how much you can do in this life is affected. Your relationships are affected. Your body is affected. Your spirituality, because you cannot connect to the divine when you have all this crap sitting inside of you. And that's why I think the Bible says, be still and know. Because when you're still, everything is quiet and calm. So there are so many levels that it's costing you already. To have suppressed and unprocessed emotions, it's already costing you. So, I love that. I love everything you're saying. But I'd like to hear an example. Because you're saying that's why you'll do something. There's a way you're going to do things. That's not how you are going to do if you are not emotionally suppressed. So, I'd love to hear personal examples. So, when I watch, I say, that is why I do. Because you see, we are understanding, but I want A person who sees it and says, no wonder I did it recently. Or no wonder I'm doing this or that. So I need to deal. Yes, exactly. So let me put it in the context of a relationship. So let me give an example and also put it in the context of a relationship. So just recently, I got into a matatu and there's this lady, she had her phone out and she was telling somebody at the door to look out for someone. Like, it's like she was supposed to pick up someone on the road. Thank you so much. So, she was there and I told her to come. Immediately, I started getting anxious because the matatu is almost going. Now, I have entered into their mix. This is not my story. It's not my business. And then I'm like thinking, oh, man. And then I caught myself. I was like, why am I involved? It's not my story. And then I looked at her. She's come. And the three of us started moving. She called. I heard the phone. She put the speaker. It was on the table. Now, again, I got up there and thought, this person is on the table. How will they take me? You know? It's not yours. It's not mine. It's dropping, but it's affecting my emotional state. So it's the same thing that people do online. Yes. Social media. Yes. This story is not yours. It's not yours. This story is not yours. This news is not yours. But you have taken it. You have taken it. You have taken it. But is this not how we are created? We are created like that, but then there's a way we are supposed to use that. You know, that is an aspect of empathy. Yes, because we are human beings. In traffic, when I see an accident, I will not be able to see it. So, he was going to his house, his children will not be able to see him. And, you know, personally, Personally, I will not be able to see him. Yeah, exactly. But now, we don't use it as information about ourselves. You know, if I sit here and I judge you, my judgment speaks more about me than you. But am I aware of that or am I thinking that it's you and it's you and it's you? So I need to understand where I'm at. I understand. You can. Yes, you have your own judgment. It's fine. It's a human thing. But notice that this is information about you. So you use this information to grow yourself, to transform yourself, and to understand yourself. Because you're meant to understand yourself through your life. Your life is like a curriculum for you to get to meet yourself. So in that moment, in the matatu, I was like, Carol. what is this you're projecting your own ins you know you're projecting your own things on this woman and she's so calm and the reason i think i was able to see myself it's because she was acting opposite yeah she was very calm if she was anxious like me to get enjoyed i didn't get more I'm starting So it means there are things within me that I need to resolve. to Why am I wishing it were me in that position? speak So, and this is the opportunity to resolve them. So ask yourself, what is this thing in a new movie? now. Even good things. Like, why am I so excited? It's because there's something in me that knows there's that potential in me as well. Yeah, it's like when we see a proposal online to this stranger in another country. You're like, oh God, you're smiling alone. You're like, oh God, when? I know. Okay. Okay. So the good one is okay. Is the good one okay? Yeah, the good one is okay, but also remember it's in you also. You see, it's telling you about yourself. That's the key. You always need to know what does it say about me because then you can change wherever you need to change because a lot of us, we are seeing a lot of problems in the world. We want to solve the problems in the world, but the real problem is within us and we cannot see it because we are so focused on it's about that, that, that, that. You're pointing. but these other fingers are pointing yeah that's a clue yeah but you have no idea exactly okay okay so now your example are good ones so in case i see someone like they will love celebrating people online yes and i think i'm now understanding you because there's this thing for guys telling people but they only wish so you're here you're telling me to wish you your birthday Yeah. So if I tell you happy birthday, you don't want that one. Yeah. You want it on social media. Exactly. So that is, is that a problem? It is because it says that you have attached a certain sense of worth to something that's coming from outside to you. Because what if they don't? If that, if they don't and you feel bad, then you need to look at why is it that you need it so much, you know? Why is it that you need it so much? There are things that I see, I'm like, no, this one. It's okay to receive it when it's given, but it should not alter your state if it's not given. You're meant to be like a still ocean where it's not up and down based on other people's behavior. But that one, if you don't, trust me, if someone tells you wish me, and you do it, happy birthday Caroline, like you have told your dreadlocks right now, then you wanted it online, it will affect you. It will affect you automatically. And the question, the issue is not a tip. The issue is why. And you see people don't ask the why. People don't ask, why is it? It's fine if after you answer yourself, you still want it. But all I'm saying is do that journey of asking yourself, why is it so important that they do it in this particular way? For people to see why. Yeah, why is it? And you see, then the problem becomes that you're not living your life. You're living a picture. Validation. You have decided that your life. It only becomes important if this person behaves like this or these things go like this, which means that you're not really valuing your life as it is. You're not valuing yourself. So it's really important for people to go back into that journey because, again, remember, there's a way we are brought up. As a child, between the ages of one and a half to two years, we are forming our sense of self, the I that you say I am. Before that, kids don't have that. Kids think they are their mom. Kids think like they're just. That's why you see them behaving the way they are behaving. But then when they start getting to one and a half and two, we call it terrible twos because they are in a stage called counter-dependence. They are setting their boundaries of self, psychological self. So that's why they say no to you all the time. Because they know where you end is where they begin. And so they are creating a sense of this is who I am. I'm like this. And at that point, they are talking in third person. They say, Karo Anataka, blah, blah, blah. Because they are forming that Karo. They are shaping and forming that Karo. Now the environment that that Karo is created hugely shapes who Carol becomes in the future. And most of the time we are bringing up our kids, showing them that we love them when they do good things. We love them when they look beautiful. We love them when they are doing what we want. And so it progresses. And so when somebody is like that in adulthood, what does that mean? I only feel loved when you're saying good things about me. I only feel loved if a lot of people are following me. That's the only time I feel like the views and the likes. Yes, exactly. Now, unless you start to relook at your life and how you're responding to people in relationships and interactions, you will never know how you are shaped and you will never transform that sense of self. It will be stuck and it's stuck with pain because how did it feel when your mom didn't tell you good girl? It felt bad. That's how you feel when people don't tell you happy birthday. It's the same feeling. But when you process it and you transform it, now you don't need anyone to tell you good girl. You're like, I'm good. I'm good to go. In fact, I give you permission to do it however you want. Even if you want to whisper it, I'm fine. Even if you don't say it, I'm fine. Are there ways one can be able to block this emotion? Now, I'm using the example of Yamatato. Was there a way? You said, I looked at the lady, she was very calm. Yes. So I had to ask myself, calm or what is that? So are there ways one can always block these emotional things? Because we find ourselves ready to be involved with other people. Yeah. So the thing is not to block the emotion, because remember, it's a signal. You don't want to block the signal. You want to get the message the signal is giving you. So, and in that way, when you see the emotion as a message, as a messenger, usually what happens, you don't get so attached to the emotion. You don't get, you go behind the emotion. You're like, He's trying to show me something. So the emotion now runs its course. That feels like it's a whole level of understanding yourself. Exactly. And that's what I do. That's how I help people get there. Because if you don't get there, imagine how much energy you waste. In things that don't even concern you. You see, you get someone who says, I'm like that. So, how do I understand why I'm like that? Exactly. And he has understood that this is who I am. First, it's a bragging right. I hear that a lot, even in the first sessions, people come, they're like, yeah, but me, I'm like that. I'm like, do you know who you are, first of all? Why are you like that? Yeah. Okay I also need to question myself. Yeah and it's really not who you are ultimately it's an experience you're having. Can it be something to do with family? Yes. Yes. Kwe tu kunakuanga ivo. It's not is it possible to change if When I'm working on family dynamics I realized that This is what people call generational things and generational curses or generational patterns are not mystical things out there. It's just these emotional patterns and we learn them. How your mom manages anger, you learn it when you're a kid. If she swallows it, that's how you learn to do. If how your mom handles or how your dad handles shame. You observe and learn. They don't have to sit you in a session and tell you this is shame. You observe and you pick it up. Because families, for example, are connected by an emotional thread. You're not just connected by blood. You're connected emotionally. So you share emotion, emotional undercurrents. And so if, for example, in most families, they don't talk about emotions, it's like there's a rule of silence. It's like it's a taboo. Yeah, it's a taboo. Don't, don't, don't. Exactly. Now that is what propagates the generational things because you will not understand why your mom behaves like this, your dad behaves like this. So you cannot understand why. Or even how you picked it up or where you picked it up from. But if I understand myself and I'm able to, maybe you see you, I'm able to change how I do it. Exactly. In fact, I say awareness is, if I was asked, I was given the power to give everyone in the world just one thing. I would just give them awareness. Because once you become aware of something, now you have access to changing it. Because you can't change something you don't know. If you've been running a pattern in your life, like let's say you've been having partners who abandon you, abandon you, abandon you. You don't know why it's happening and you're just looking outside. You're like, men are like this, women are like this. This is, you know, Nairobi is like this. You're blaming the outside and it's an internal pattern you have. But the minute you see it, now everything makes sense. You're like, oh, no wonder this. And you see now you can change. But if you don't know it, you don't see it, you can't change it. And that's what we do with family things. So people have to find the courage to see their familial patterns, the courage to see their parents as human beings and what their flaws were and what their inadequacies and limitations were. And then learn from. And see how it's affected you. And it's not a thing about blaming or self-punishing. No, it's just awareness. You see it and you're like, oh, okay. I used to go to the Westlands. I went through Thika Road, let me go back. Thank Westlands, I have it there. It's okay. My mom went there, but I won't go back. Yeah, and you learn from that and you are grateful for even that point because even the things that happen to us that are traumatic, even as our suppressing of emotions and what that causes are bringing us to a lesson. you. They are bringing us to a point where we can't Have this conversation with ourselves and turn around and actually transform our lives. Yeah. Now I'm thinking, after you've mentioned your when I meet this person, we break up, we leave each other. Yeah. Then, Puja Katie, like, so I'd like us maybe there's someone who's going through that emotion, your heartbreak Yes. Always, nakustana ma watu, be it a spouse be it a boyfriend, be it a girlfriend. Yeah. What is the first, like, a journey to healing? What is the first tool? Or the most important thing a person can do If you're watching this and this is your situation first thing, stop running Stop running, like, because there's a way we run, like even mentally we are running, we are avoiding where we are. It's like, I don't want to accept I'm here, I'm feeling like this, especially how you're feeling. Stop running from how you're feeling. And we have a culture of running and there are many ways of running. You can luta for three days That's a way of running Escaping the norm Like the reality Exactly. You can get the label of foodie and that's running. You can shop, that's running. You can overwork like become a workaholic that's running Sit with your emotion. You won't die. Trust me. You know, people think like I'm going to die Yeah. Actually, yeah Yeah Because now I'm thinking of this is the emotion Yeah. Maybe I've lost I'm heartbroken. I'm going through a breakup. Yeah. And you're telling me to sit with that breakup. Yeah That emotion Sit with that emotion. All I want is a looter. I might want to. This guy who was talking to me years and years ago, I want to see what I'm still, I want to hide because I don't want to be single for even a second. Like I was, I was used to being, to dating. So you're saying I sit with that singleness? Yeah. It's not even the singleness that's a problem. Guess what? Probably all these relationships you're getting them because you're avoiding being alone. Because if you're alone, you will feel what you're already feeling. So can you just feel what you're already feeling and get over and done with it? Because it's running your life. A lot of the time, we are avoiding pain that we're already feeling. You understand? It's like, I don't want someone to hurt me. You're already hurting, my dear. Sit with it. Feel it. By the way, emotions only last nine seconds. But you know why they last longer? Because before it ends, you get into another story. I would have done this, this, this. It starts again. Another nine seconds. And then another story. It's like you enjoy suffering. You're defending your suffering. Do you know, even when you have bad news, they last long. Good news, they come, you're happy, you're excited, they go. Bad news, you can eat a lot of food. Yeah, and it's the mind that holds you hostage with that emotion. The emotion itself, it's a signal. It makes you go, and it goes. And you know, the longer it stays, the more it magnetizes, it becomes a stronger thing. So the more you stay in an emotion, let's say, for example, And you're like, ah! You tell yourself, what day have I woken up? How is my day going to be? It's going to be bad. You don't say it's going to be bad. Exactly. So then you leave, you are stuck out there. You are saying that today I woke up with Kisirani. With Kisirani. You see that Kisirani? It increases the amount of Kisirani throughout the day because emotions are magnetic. You know, thoughts are electric. Thoughts are like going out. Thoughts are like projecting you outside. Emotions are magnetic. They are attracting things to you. So the longer you stay in an emotion, the more it attracts similar situations to you. So what do you want to attract to your life? If you're sitting in misery just because somebody did something wrong to you, you won't let it go. It's not affecting them. How angry you are at them does not affect them. It affects you. And you attract similar situations. So it's always better to... So let the emotion run its course, give you the message it's meant to give you, and then you can get out of there with more wisdom. It's like if you ask yourself the real important question, instead of why me, why don't you ask, if this was God's intention for me to go through this, what does he need me to learn? Because he's loving, everything is working for me. What do I need to learn from this? About myself, not about others, about myself. You can learn that I see myself like this. I believe I have this limitation. I think of this, this way, you know. You will have so much data about yourself. You know, sometimes we struggle to scroll, to look for people. We learn more about others, but we know nothing about ourselves. That's true. So, there's what I do. When I get something worse, when I get something bad, you tell me if it's okay. For example, I would sleep on that bed in the morning when I wake up. I tell myself, maybe God has given me something big. Maybe I should have knitted my leg. So, I tell myself, it's okay. It's painful. But maybe... You know, then it gives me some sort of comfort knowing that I was given a little and I followed the big one. So I don't know whether that's actually a good thing because it brings me to the subject of acceptance. Unconditional acceptance of your life as it is. And that's how you transform your mind. How do you change your thinking from thinking you're a victim to actually accepting where you are exactly as it is? What do you tell yourself? So if you tell yourself that, then you allow yourself to accept that this has happened and this is how it was meant to be. And it puts you in a better emotional state than those other thoughts. Because you're going to think anyway. Why don't you then think something empowering? Yeah. Okay. Then I think you can use my hack guys. Every time I have a tough thing. Yeah. I tell myself, maybe. Even if you get into an accident. Actually, even an accident. I say, maybe God has raised me up there. Exactly. Even if I oversleep. I tell myself. It's true. Because you can wake up, you oversleep, you can't sleep. The whole day. And you mess everything. A lot of things. Yeah. So I tell myself, maybe God had a good reason. Of course, a good reason as to why I overslept. Yeah, exactly. So I give myself so much comfort in telling myself. That is good. That is good. That is acceptance. You bring yourself to acceptance of things as they are. Now, I have, I don't know if it's a tough one or it's a tricky one. What of grief? Like, I am going through it. Like, for me, personally, I am facing problems. Yeah. Even the times I go to Matang, I don't know what to say. Yeah. I don't know what to tell you. I don't know if the tears will come out or not. I don't know. First, in fact, I've encountered that a lot of times. And sometimes people call me into their families when they are grieving. Because they are like, what do we do? What do we say to each other? How do we go through this? The first thing is to accept grief as a valid emotion. Many times we are trying to push it away like you're not supposed to feel it. But if you love the person, if you are connected with the person, how can you not if you're human? You know, there is that feeling of loss and loss comes with grief. And so, first of all, is how are you relating with the emotion itself? Because your relationship with the emotion will determine how you progress. Even in, let's say, you've gone to a friend's matanga, Are you yourself allowing yourself to feel grief? Because if you allow yourself to feel grief, you will allow them. Because many times we are trying to stop other people from feeling grief because it's making us uncomfortable. So you're there telling somebody, it's your own discomfort that is making you want them to stop crying. But if you're at peace with it, you just hold space. Your silence and your presence is enough. for them to regulate their nervous system because remember it's running through the nervous system if you look agitated you're you're like making it stay longer than it should and you see the reason why it's coming up coming up it's the thoughts that are coming up in their mind it's not that it's lasting an hour it's still the nine seconds but another thought comes And he told me, it comes. And we were like, we're done. it comes you see but if they're in a space where they're allowed And you becoming a space yourself, like just be empty in your head as far as not being uncomfortable with how they're expressing their grief. It will pass. In whichever way. In whichever way. Sometimes it's very violent. I remember my uncle passed a year and a half ago, I think. And I was called just when they were about to take him to the morgue. And I had to be there with my mom. He was my mom's brother and his wife. And I remember walking into that place and they've put him on the slab and I just took a deep breath and I allowed myself to let everything come, like not stopping it or holding it down. And I let it come. And I remember just yelling, you know, yelling, but somewhere internally, I'm not devastated, but it's just an emotion that's coming out in that way. You know, like the way you can laugh and tears for. It's that way. So there was, yeah, there was peace inside of me, but there was this emotion that was coming out through a yell and they were crying. And, you know, after that, everyone felt lighter. It was a very devastating moment, but it helped the grieving process. So as a person who... In supporting people with these difficult emotions, you have to be at peace with those emotions yourself. And many times when you're grieving, it will trigger my grief, the one that I have not processed. So you will go to the neighbor's house, to the neighbor's house, but you are crying, and you don't even know the one who died. Yeah. Because it's triggering your own grief that you have not processed. So the best way to help others in their healing is to heal yourself. Yeah, I love that. So, hey, okay. Yeah. Grieving is tricky. Yeah. And it takes long. It takes long. Yeah. No time. And you know, even if they're nine seconds, it can go even four years. Four years. You know why? Because I guess also there's a misunderstanding around grief. Grief comes as a result of a perception of loss. And grief is grief to the body. To the body, grief is grief. So it doesn't matter if it's a Louis Vuitton handbag you lost, that you didn't grieve. It will be triggered when someone dies. And you will not understand why you're feeling so sad. You understand? So grief is grief in the system. So whenever grief is triggered, all the grief of all the things you have perceived to have lost comes up to the surface. And that's why it takes longer. Because in our daily life, we are not grieving. You're not grieving the job you lost. You're not grieving the partner you left. You're not grieving the whatever. Even a pen you lost. Until you get that one chance. Then you let it all out. Then you let it all out and then you blame it on the one who died. So maybe, I love that we've talked about those two. Maybe the breakup and the grieving one. So there's someone who is watching who is just... Who wants to start this journey? Like there's someone who is ready to begin on the emotional healing journey. Just some tools, like someone can start. There are those who have said, just take a few minutes. Listen to your emotions. Listen to your body. If there's someone who is crying, as you said, listen to your body. Yeah, so maybe more tools. That's it. Because now, hey, It's big by the way. It's like we are coming to the... To the maximum level of our pent-up emotions. You know how you can have some, maybe some githeri in a pot. It boils, you have covered it, it boils until it comes to a boil, it comes to a boil. And then finally it will be poured out. I think that's what we are getting as an issue. Boiling point. Boiling point. We have held on, we have held on. These emotions, we have held on, we have held on. Now they are exploding. You meet someone, with a small thing, you trigger him. He explodes, you can't stop. Is this about this or is it about something else? Yeah, exactly. Yeah, so maybe some tools to our audience when you're on a watch. So as I said, the first tool is learn how to just sit with yourself. Give yourself five minutes every day. Sit with yourself. Don't think about anything. It's not a planning session. It's not a, you know, sit with yourself and just take your attention from the top of your head to the tip of your toes and back to the top of your head. And how do you do this? You just go step by step. Focus on the face. What are the sensations in my face? Maybe there's an itch here, there's a pain here, there's a tension here, and you're not even labeling the emotions that you come across. It's sensations at this point. Just the sensations. Is it hot or cold? Is the sensation moving? Is it pressure or light? Does it feel? You know, those kind of things. All the way down, up, and down. That alone can transform your life, by the way. That is some level of magic you can do to heal yourself. The next tool that I can share is journaling. And when you're journaling, don't journal to just put emotions there. Journal with the intent of understanding yourself. It's like this is a journal for self-discovery. And you want to understand, how am I thinking? How am I seeing this situation? What did I feel? What triggered what I felt? How what can this say about me and how I think especially because what we are so blind to is how we think we don't interrogate how we think we just automatically think how I think is fine and we want to change our lives without changing how we think and that's not possible because our life is an outcome of our thinking. So journal with that intention of how do I think? How am I thinking about this? What limitation can I see in my thinking? If it's a situation that you're stuck on, can you identify what thoughts are making you feel stuck? That's journaling. Another one is exercise. Exercise helps you release emotion. Exercise helps you help the body release the emotions. Because as I said, the emotions are stored in our body. Exercise, movement, actually movement helps the emotions to move because they are supposed to be in motion. Emotion is energy in motion. That's what emotion is. So if you move, you move the energy. That's why you get out of an exercise session and you feel better. Because you even release some hormones that allow the emotions to move better. Um, also something else that I can encourage people to do is to have some sort of a spiritual practice. I don't know if you pray, listen to music, listen to music as something that you do that will help you connect deeper with yourself and with the higher self, like your higher power, whoever, God, Allah, Krishna, whoever. Find a practice like that, because when you connect to that higher power, you're actually connected to your highest potential. And it's like you're calling your potential down to be embodied in your body. And so the obstacles will be removed in your thinking, in your emotion, in how you perceive life and yourself. You will see the obstacles more easily. The last thing that I would want to give us a tool is your diet. A lot of the reasons why we get into these emotional funks, we are in a certain state, is because of the food that we eat. The food that we eat reacts, there's biochemical reactions within our bodies that create certain biochemical outcomes. And they cause, you know, like the way they say the gut is a brain also. Because it has neurons. So if something is happening in your gut, it affects the clarity of your mind. It affects how you feel. I don't know how people find this normal, but you eat ugali at lunchtime and the rest of the afternoon, you're gone. And productivity is expected of you. So why don't you think about what do I eat and it makes me feel alive. I don't give you a certain diet, but I think if you make it your mission to understand yourself, you will also understand how different foods affect you. And remember, you need to eat food as fuel. Many of us just eat to satiate our... Our appetites, we don't even think about food as fuel. We are just eating to fill our tummies or to gratify our senses, our sensory, whatever, of taste. But we are not thinking about how it's affecting how we think, how we feel, and how we are out in the world. If you do not change your diet, it's very hard to change your life. It's really hard to change your life. If you look at, study different people and see the most successful people have had to change at least one or two things about their diet, because that's the hardest thing. I'm vegetarian from 2021, I've been. And one of the things I realized is how much unconsciousness we have around food. People don't. put it in their consideration in that way in relation to i don't see how it affects my career i don't see how it affects my relationships but it does if you just decide one day to stop sugar you see how that's true you'll realize you're an addict you need to go to rehab If you decide one day to stop meat, you'll realize, I don't know what else to eat. Like, what else do people eat in this world, you know? So, do that experiment and see how much your mind will change and transform just by that one change. And you'll start to feel better and do better. Thank you so much, Carol. I think I now, from the guests that come in here, I now agree that everything in our body is 360. Yeah, from the... The way you've said, the mind, exercising, whatever you're eating, nutrition, whatever you're... Emotions, you're thinking, you're watching, you're consuming. Like me 360. Exactly. You can't say you're going to eat well and then you miss exercising or you miss listening to your body. Then you're okay. You won't. You need everything of all these things for you to be. And somehow when you do all these things, you start to see skin. You start to feel that there's a problem with what I was doing at that time. Exactly. You start to feel lighter. Yeah. Just because you've changed or you've added a few things. Yeah, so I agree to what you're saying. Now, me, I have a problem in journaling. Journaling is a big problem for me. Because I have to think about it. I can't think about it. And it's like there's a part of me that wants to know the truth. The truth. So I... You can just do an audio journal of how I'm feeling. Yeah, just speak. Because every time I go to write, I'm like, no, don't, no, don't. Yeah, it's like you're censoring yourself. You've said once you write it, you will see it on paper. So it's like there's a part of me that never wants to see it on paper. So maybe you mentioned that. I also don't journal writing because I realized I have that. Like I censor myself and then I ask myself, so why am I writing? Why am I? Like if I'm censoring myself, what's the point? I'm not someone else. I used to give her books. So I do an audio one. I just speak whatever is in my mind. I speak. Yeah, I'll try that one. But thank you so much, Carol. You're welcome. Thank you so much for gracing our show today, our episode today. I'm sure guys are going to love it. Personally, I love it. I feel so lighter. I'm not going to stop emotions. If they come, let them come. We'll know why we are doing it. But thank you so much for coming for the show today. I hope you guys have enjoyed the show. I hope you guys have loved the episode. Maybe you can just... I'm going to leave her details down here. Email, phone number, in case you feel like there's something you need to... Be addressed personally. You can just reach out to Carol. She will help you. Even in those driven moments. I know families who are in trouble. We don't have a counselor. We don't have a coach. Let's do it. This is new. This is strange. How you are feeling is not how I am feeling. But we all... It's heavy. It's heavy. It's heavy. It's really heavy. I will give them your number. Yeah. Just in case you are okay with that. Then they can reach out to you. Above all, thank you so much. Thank you for having me. Even for sharing those 12 years, 10 years with us. Within two hours, you have given us almost. A quarter or a little bit of an eighth of what you know. We appreciate it. Thank you. And yes, guys, in case you'd love me to host you on this chair where Carol is seated, the email is [email protected]. We don't mind learning these things every now and then. Like you said, we've reached the boiling point. You're getting up early. Someone is getting up at 9 o'clock and you're having a hard time. If only we had met Carol Kitambu. So if there's someone out there who wants to reach us, come share with us something or teach us something. Yeah, reach out. Sisi, tunapenda wageni and we love guests. And with that, bye-bye. I hope to see you next week for our next Seller's Reflection episode. Bye-bye.