Street Soldiers: Domestic violence, the real issues

Fox 5 and Hot 97 present Street Soldiers with Lisa Evers. I'm so glad you're joining us for this episode of Street Soldiers on domestic violence, the real issues. I'm your host, Lisa Evers. It's officially called intimate partner violence, or IPV, but it's more commonly known as domestic violence. And while many crime categories across the United States are showing a decline, the intimate partner violence stats are holding firm and in some areas actually rising. Plus, technology is giving abusers new ways to torment their victims, especially among teens and young adults. The white hearse carrying the body of 27-year-old LaVey Williams brought tragedy and tears to her large family and friends in the Harlem community. She was allegedly beaten to death in front of her 7-year-old daughter by 41-year-old ex-boyfriend Tyleek Thompson. Some who love LaVey could barely contain their anger as NYPD detectives brought him to justice. About one in three women and one in four men will experience IPV in their lifetimes. It's defined as physical or sexual abuse, stalking, and psychological or emotional aggression. It's widespread across every group, but some, like girls ages 18 to 24, along with black and brown women, are more frequently victimized. Survivor Stephanie McGraw founded the domestic violence support group Warm NYC after realizing there were not enough services for her Harlem community. Domestic violence does not discriminate. It doesn't matter what nationality you are or where you come from or how much zero you have behind your name. However, black and brown women suffer at a higher rate. IPV survivor Shardé Green, mother to four children ranging in age from 5 to 13, risked her life to get away from an abusive husband. This brave young single mom is currently studying cosmetology and volunteering to help other survivors. But she tells us her number one priority now is ongoing individual and family therapy to undo any psychological damage her kids may have suffered. The worst part of going through the abuse was definitely the fact that my children were watching. and this was their example of what parenting was it's not unusual for abusers and victims to come from households where there was abuse children can suffer life-altering conditions says trauma expert Dr. Eugene Lipoff some people call it vicarious PTSD or secondary PTSD when you seeing your mother being abused you're getting PTSD from that that's traumatic to the child Let's get into this now and bring in our panel. Joining me for this conversation is Stephanie McGraw. She is the founder and CEO of Warm NYC. They're based in Harlem, very active in supporting women. Stephanie, thank you so much for joining us. We appreciate it. Thank you for having me. We appreciate it. Also with us is Shardé Green. She is a domestic violence survivor and now a volunteer helping other women. She's also the mother of four. Shardé, thank you so much for being with us. We appreciate it. Thank you so much for having me. We appreciate it. Also, this is Dr. Eugene Lipoff. He is a psychologist and author of the book, The God Shot. Dr. Lipoff, thank you so much for being with us. Thank you. Thanks for having me. We appreciate it. Stephanie, I want to start with you on this. Are you seeing these increases in these types of attacks on women? Unfortunately, we're seeing it at an increase of 62%. The Manhattan District Attorney, Alvin Bragg, just did a press release. and saying that homicides was down, that shootings was down, but domestic violence and the felony cases are up by 25%. It is a silent killer that is killing black and brown women, and particularly at a very high rate. That's why WARM, We All Really Matter, a domestic violence organization, is out there boots on the ground, grassroots, getting to these women. Shardé, first of all, thank you for being with us and being courageous enough to share your story. Tell us your story, how you came to be in that situation. Well, it actually took a lot of courage, as you said, so thank you again. When I initially experienced the intimate partner violence, I believed it was just a few boundaries that were being crossed until some of the violence occurred while I was also pregnant. and in that moment because I was not only risking my own life but the life of my child I decided to flee after he was born but it seemed a little easier said than done because my children's father actually went to the courts to manipulate them to accuse me of abuse and instead flip the picture on me despite me being the victim. So my family and my sister who actually has worked with Stephanie on domestic violence panels suggested that I contacted WARM and when I did I was met with so much comfort and love because I was completely a mess and in despair But Stephanie, as well as all of the other staff at WARM, ensured that I first had safety as well as the resources to help move forward. Dr. Lipoff, when you hear Shardé's story, is that typical of what you hear from survivors? It's a very typical story, actually. At one point, I used to run a trauma unit in a county hospital, and we saw the same thing. So a lot of times it's a multigenerational abuse in the sense that when you have people who are exposed to that in their childhood, they were abused as children. And shockingly, they become abusers later. And unfortunately, intimate violence is so prevalent, as everybody seems to know that. But, you know, a lot of times it's not addressed well enough. And it's, thank God, there is people like WARM and people like that who provide shelter. The key point is safety. Tell us about the manipulation that goes on and then also the mindset of the victim at that point. What's the psychology of manipulation that these abusive men use? Well, there's multiple approaches, right? So there is denying of, there is fear, there is manipulation of fear. There is fear of violence and physical violence. There's intimidation anywhere from just being scared to being hit, as you said. That's one form. And the other part is you're going to lose your child. That's another way to manipulate. You lose your child and you lose financial resources. So what we see commonly is that women would like to leave, but they don't know how to do it. Stay with us. There's more to come. Stephanie, the why can't they leave? That's the question people will say is like, why can't they just leave? It's very simple. You're living in two truths at one time. He loves me, but he's also abusing me. So it's very, it's very difficult for a woman to even begin to try to like, what's best for me, especially as a survivor myself. Okay. For many years. And then growing up, I grew up in it. So I seen it. So it was very difficult. First of all, to even identify what it was, because we didn't have no name to domestic violence. when i grew up in the 70s it was like you know they fight they make up they get drunk and that's what we saw as children so we were misinformed by the misinformed we actually did not have the proper tools because my mother didn't have it and my father certainly had it right so when you grow up in that kind of environment and you get those kind of messages it's only what i saw is what i was attracted to so when you have women you know when um i've worked with nypd i served i trained 35 000 new york city police officers and one of the things we trained them on don't never walk in a house and say you should don't shoot on me because you don't know where i come from right so the thing is to really just be supportive we're here to help you right but it's so much easier said than done because when you don't when you have low self-esteem when you don't value yourself when you don't even understand your worth how can you even begin to know how to take care of yourself when you wasn't even taught how to do it. Shardé, the first time, how far into the relationship was it before he struck you, you know, before he hit you? I believe we'd already been together for about two or three years. And we'd already had two children by then. So as Stephanie was saying, everything was behind the back of my mind. Like, how am I going to leave here? Because I'm like, oh, he'll change because we have children. and um it actually ended up worse because a lot of any type of internal stress he was undergoing as a parent like we all do he externalized onto me and initially i didn't know what was happening because i'm telling myself i'm doing everything right for this person to love me and when you're raised to just do everything right and someone will love and accept you you will accept treatment despite your boundaries being crossed and that's why I said for me personally my boundaries were crossed it wasn't as if I didn't know better it was that it wasn't as important as the relationship itself or further even more the fact that I didn't have finances was there a point like where after he would beat you where then he would try to be like extra nice or romantic absolutely and that's about tell us about that cycle exactly and a lot of people as dr liploff was saying people asked why didn't you leave or you you leave multiple times which i did myself um initially i didn't leave because he would give gifts flowers or take me to somewhere i'd want to go and that would kind to put the band-aid there but then when i would start to bring up the maltreatment that's when even the the love bombing it became so superficial because i had bruises i had scars that i i even to this day when i look at parts of my body and say this is because i love someone who didn't love me back the same way oh my god we have to learn how to love ourselves lisa that's the thing that is the this is why we do this work at World Woman i created a school for women to build self-esteem an eight-week program on loving yourself a six-month program and a work for out of change and a and a trauma and ptsd because you know love is not in that equation and if we're learning how to love ourselves we can prevent a lot of that no absolutely dr liverpool what about first what about what about the cycle that she was describing where it's it's the abuse cycle and then it's like let me make this right and be the perfect boyfriend or perfect partner tell us about that well and so this is actually i've certainly seen it clinically so the thing to remember uh is that once the abuse starts a lot of times it escalates and it could be deadly yes it was right for a woman is killed four women are killed daily in united states in home abuse right intimate partner violence so i took care of a patient i remember very well she was thrown from the second floor right she had broken legs and i took care of her and then she she came back so oh we made up everything's great she's such a lovely man i said i would be right now it'd be time to run next time you're going to fly from the third floor the point is you need to get control of yourself and protect yourself and know it could potentially lead to death and a lot of times i'm curious to see specifically in your case my understanding is if a woman is abused physically the chance of children being abused is about 30 to 50 percent was there any abuse of your kids as well um they would experience a lot of verbal abuse and even still to this day because he is uh basically trying to punish me still he does things to neglect them as a form of abuse and um because my children are also a bit older from the initial separation and fleeing they have the awareness not only from as you said growing up in the household and seeing me abused but also the the fleeing and all of their emotional sentiments that they hold there to now experience that themselves but the difference is is that because um i'm trying to break the cycle we discuss these things and um i advocate for my children when we are in the court of law when we're in family court when they can uh speak to their lawyers to vocalize as you said from their own source of power stephanie some people say there's two types of men there are men that will lay hands on a woman and there's men that won't. And if he hits you, he is fully capable at some point down the road of doing much, much worse and even possibly taking your life. Stephanie, do you believe that from everything you've gone through and that you've seen? Oh, absolutely. There's so many ways that you can deal with conflict resolution. And when a man loses an argument, that's when they use their hands, right? But I know for sure, and from my own personal experience, it doesn't get any better and we it takes at least about seven times for a woman to leave that's why we're very patient and loving with them but we we tell them our story like look i almost didn't get out and don't let Levee we just bury Levee Williams the most dangerous time is when a woman's trying to leave because domestic violence love is nowhere in the equation of domestic violence it's all about power and control. And when the men are losing the control, that's when women are murdered. Every woman on my wall here at our center, over 30 women on our wall, all of them were murdered because they were trying to get out. Dr. Lipoff, I want to ask you, Sade was talking about when she looks at her body, she sees almost like a roadmap of some of these previous traumas. How do you advise survivors to deal with the PTSD from these incidents? Well, I came up with a treatment for PTSD, so I'm very familiar with that. But I think the key point to remember is what I found a lot of women, they have a tendency of denying PTSD exists. And so do the men, but particularly women. And I think what happens is PTSD, people go, the only way you can get PTSD is military trauma. Like, you know, body's getting blown up. I cannot get PTSD. If you get hit in the face or you're threatened or you're being choked, all of that are competent events to create PTSD. The other part to remember is that the children, even if they don't get hit and they see that happen, that's called secondary PTSD. They can get PTSD as well. Let me bring Sade and put Sade to your credit. You're trying to deal with this with your kids too. Yes. And I think what Dr. Lipoff was saying is hitting home for me, because personally, I am someone who is very mindful. And again, that's why for me, it's like, how could you end up in a domestic violent relationship? But for me, as Dr. Lipoff is saying, the most prominent one is the psychological, because it took a lot of work. And that's also why I would go to programs at WARM, like Reclaiming Your Power, to help reframe my mind, despite already having like cognitive tools and going to therapy in my prior years. This was something totally different. And Stephanie and all of the staff here at WARM, they're aware that a lot of survivors do have PTSD. So they also have holistic healing as well to implement ways to to slowly, gradually bring you back to yourself. Stephanie, what advice do you have for young women about dating and, you know, if a man gets too aggressive? My advice would be you're not alone. And domestic violence is a crime. It's nothing to be ashamed of. You know, the power is in your story. when you open up your mouth when you start talking about what's going on for you that's how we can get help we're just as sick as our secrets and believe me i was sick for a long time lisa because i was kept all these secrets and stored in my body and sometimes it causes all it causes all kind of ailments in the body ptsd leads to inflammation inflammation leads to cancer also when somebody has ptsd the chance yeah it increased the chance of heart attacks twice as high so the point is you need to realize there is biological change in the body that's that's diabetes and a lot of other things if your body is revving revving all the time riding a thousand miles per hour it takes a toll so and the other part that i don't know if you know this but there actually genetic change you can pass DNA on to two generations so what happens now you can get passed on so the key point is you want to get treated a prevent if you can but once you realize you have it treat it I would encourage women to you know talk about it you know we're here when we are really matter you know you can get in touch with us but you know you're not alone and it's never too late to get out Sure Dave what's your situation now and how is life going for you now um life is obviously a bit different because i am the sole provider for my children and i do still try to protect them as i've said from any uh abuse that they may experience as a residual effect of the punishment i'm still experiencing um but we do have a lot more joy i get to volunteer warm as well as meet a lot of women who have stories like me and it's only until now that we are in this space that we can speak about it and finally undergo healing and i feel like if i could tell other people especially younger women um focus on yourself really focus on everything else will fall into alignment a perfect partner will never exist so you're gonna go through a point where you discover you date but when you finally find someone it will feel safe thanks for joining us for this episode of street soldiers on domestic violence the real issues you can watch it again and share it on our fox 5ny youtube page and on the free fox local app remember use your mind it's your best weapon i'm lisa evers let's push for peace love and justice for all