Domestic Violence Awareness Month: Understanding the warning signs and ways to support

Welcome back. One in three women, one in four men. Those are not just statistics. They are our friends, our neighbors, our co-workers, our family. As we mark Domestic Violence Awareness Month, we are shining a light on an epidemic that thrives in the dark. To discuss warning signs and support, we welcome Dr. Jackie Shields, a clinical psychologist at Kaiser Permanente. So nice to see you again. Thank you so much for coming in. Talk about such a very important and important topic. I wanted to start with discussing, sometimes people think of domestic violence as being that extreme measure, right? Somebody is physically abusive. It can be verbal. It can be control. Sometimes there are things that are happening and we don't see it when we're in it. What are the signs that we should look for? Great question. So like you said in your introduction this is happening in the dark and it's happening closer to home than one would think and so financial abuse sexual assault not all abuse leaves scars and bruises and it could be much deeper and it can have a lifelong impact on these individuals and you mentioned financial abuse sometimes there's just like that control factor where the person one person in the relationship is keeping the other person in the dark. Yes. And it's communication. So how do we know, like what are some things that we should think about when thinking about our own relationships or maybe those of people who we know and care about? So domestic violence or intimate partner violence, what we call IPV, it is not about love. The core of this is about control and it's about power. And so if you at home are in a relationship in which you feel you do not have a voice, you are not heard, you are unsafe to speak up, you're afraid to tell your family and friends, these are signs that we keep very closely to make sure that you know you have an avenue to get help. Okay, let's talk about people also from the outside. We have this horrible case in Morgan Hill. A woman, a mother of three, killed. Her husband confessed. Her father said he had no idea. Mm-hmm. What should we be looking for from the outside? These signs that we hope to see are not always visible. And so I wish I can give you a list on what we do look for. Right. So much of this abuse is behind closed doors and never leaves the room, never leaves the home. And so if you have a friend at home, if you have a family member at home, and you notice that they're a anxious, maybe a simple question like, how are you feeling? Are you safe? That's what I was going to ask you. Questions that we should maybe ask to guide that conversation. You as a doctor, questions that maybe you ask because now you're in a private situation with your doctor. Sometimes we feel more, or hopefully we feel more comfortable to talk about many things with our doctor. What are some questions we should ask? So healthcare providers are trained to assess injury and treat injury but one of the questions to ask is what is behind the injury we don't always ask how did you get injured are you feeling safe at home and sometimes patients will fill out those questionnaires and i want patients at home to know that if they check yes there will be follow-up and we have avenues to follow up for our patients that don't make it overt. They don't make it public. There's not a phone call saying, hey, this is this. It's very subtle and there is always an avenue to support. I think that's the, there's a lot of it. There's financial. If I leave this situation, I can't afford to be on my own or what do I do? I have children. And there's also the fear, like a physical fear. What do you say in terms of someone who feels very helpless and afraid? Well, let me start with what we can't say. We do not say, why don't you just leave? And we don't do that because if it was that easy, they would have already done it. And so what we might say is, how can I support you in feeling safe and getting you the resources you need to make yourself feel whole again? That's a really good point. And I know you're getting a little, it's an emotional topic, you know, because we probably all know someone have known someone, maybe someone we're working with or living with right now and we might not realize. So this is really important information. What else should we know that we maybe don't know about this situation? I think what we know is that you're not alone if you're going through this. Abuse is never your fault, never your fault. And when you are ready, we have resources, support psychologists therapists doctors we are here to help you in baby steps we don't need to go full force we don't need to exit immediately but we can talk about an exit plan we can talk about resources so they feel confident and secure in making that first second third step so those are that's a really good these baby steps unless of course you feel that you are in imminent danger if this situation has become very violent. I think the other really frustrating thing is we've seen, we've reported many times there's a restraining order or something, and it doesn't really do as much as we would hope sometimes. Not as we hope, yes. So restraining orders help in some cases. In other cases, they actually exacerbate the abuse and exacerbate the violence. So one of the things to keep in mind is having an exit plan, a strategy, a safe person you can call, a bag packed at home, this is for worst case scenario and that there are worst case scenarios so it's important for folks at home to know that there are resources there are people like us available to walk you through this in our Bay Area we have stand and we have the Family Justice Center and those are two fantastic resources that will support you financially with housing with psychology therapy support in every domain it's whole person wellness and is that for someone who has children and and it takes the whole package the whole package to help the whole package the whole family okay thank you so much for coming in and talking about this and um i know one more message that you wanted to share with people it's just it is not their fault it is not your fault abuse is never your fault you are not alone there are tons of people that experience this one in three women, one in four men. So please, when you are ready, we are ready to support you. Yeah, the statistics are really eye-opening, shocking, alarming. We all can help. That's right. Dr. Jackie Shields with Kaiser Permanente, thank you so much for joining us. Again, if you or someone you know is experiencing any kind of domestic violence, abuse, help is free, confidential, available 24-7. Just call that National Domestic Violence Hotline at the number on your screen, 1-800-799-SAFE. You can visit thehotline.org. This is if you need help helping someone else as well. We'll be right back.