Late Night Legends Face Off with Letterman | David Letterman

Nice to see you. Nice to see you. Welcome back to the program. Thank you very much for being here. How's the family? You have a boy six and a little girl about four. Is that right? Sure. Yeah Yeah, my my oldest boy is now six and The little girls is four and a half and they're my boy and your boy about the same about the same I'm just about to go seven here with my son That's see to get because the in it's there so is he is he they test out their Male energy on you, right? But they don't know When to use it or why they're using it there My son is he's just come into the the phase of he's discovered trash talk. Mmm trash talk trash talk But he has no idea of the appropriateness or where so in the mornings before school after breakfast I say Nate after breakfast I want you to clear your bowl and I want you to bring it up to the sink your plate Yeah, right because that's why I had him Help You don't get a little something back Investment the house is a lot of work. Yeah, and so we had them to take care of the chores and So he has his cereal and he's done with it and he brings it up to the kitchen sink and he turns and he goes How you like me now? And I was like seems she's a little aggressive. What do you mean? How you I? Said are you are you you didn't dunk on me you you You brought your you did a chore. You don't trash talk after You don't like take the garbage out and be like in your face dad. Yeah, no, that's You're you're doing what I actually wanted you to do So that's not I said I go he got a little he talked back a little bit so I go Don't get fresh. Yeah fresh is good vegetables that are fresher taste. Oh, yeah You know like so you get that argument back I'm getting now a little bit of the testing of who really is running things in terms of men in the house And and you know if there's a herd of elk and if there is an old where do you live? Where do you live? We're downtown. I'm Riverdale. Oh, yeah, Riverdale if there's a herd of elk and they're being stalked by Wolves the wolves have a sense which one is the oldest and which one is sick And that's the one the wolves go after first. I have a feeling my son has sensed that about me He knows he can take me down But if you need to get an older more infirm gentleman in your house, yes, I know Chum you need to get somebody that can be a distraction like it's got one leg that guy's got no But there's no greater fun in the world is there it's it's it's just the best the two of them because they do At first you are their only influence you and your wife and it's so the opportunity to ruin someone from scratch. Yeah Yeah, here we go it's it's When they're young they believe anything you see, you know, yeah You know daddy are there monsters, you know, not in my room, you know that guy Well, let's see. That's awful. Yeah, that's horrible. I don't know They don't know. Yeah, but they are We're having fun The language is interesting because they do you know, they they do watch a lot of television and my daughter now says dang it Dang it because she picked that up on Nickelodeon. Dang it. So they pick up these phrases Hers is dang it now and Nate's is what? He got that from I think that's from I think that's from Spongebob You might you might be able to get away with that on your little cable outlet there, but I don't I'm bringing you a taste of cable day I'm taking you slumming with me. Tell me Tell me about the big rally. Oh my god, you know when I heard about this, I just thought I just thought well, no I thought you're gonna be down there and people are gonna be all over you and they're gonna want to lick you and it just Are you really gonna it's the it's the rally to what is it to bring back the rally to restore sanity? Yeah, we're not gonna are you going? Wow So so you should go yeah They're gonna be there. But what do you what are your responsibilities? You're inviting millions and millions of people to your party. Good luck So you're saying we should have planned Telling you how to run your we got a whole thing, but I'm doing the the rally to restore sanity It's basically the the idea is is let's disagree, but try not to call each other Hitler. Yeah, you know you go to these rallies There's always a guy in the back Bush is Hitler or Obama is Hitler and it's just it's offensive even to Hitler I think you know Here's here's a guy who worked his whole life to be Hitler The most evil guy to ever walk. Yes, we're throwing around, you know, Obama's gonna raise the tax rate to 39.6 He's Hitler Hitler's like It's not about taxes I was a bad guy So the point is we ought to be able to disagree and remain friends and we're not even remain friends I don't mind shouting as long as it's authentic It's about just I'm just sick of hearing about you know you watch the cable news that was and the loudest people get to control the debate and the loudest people get to control the Government and there's millions of people at home who have to mow the lawn who have they have Things to do right and this is this is the rally for for people who have things to do Let me say this I say this to you non joiners of the world unite People who have things to do yeah, bring them down Rally keep fear alive. I think it's just a cheap stunt. Yeah Let's let's run it down with them bill O'Reilly you've been on his show a few times He's been on your show, yeah, he's been on my show and I he's a Likeable fellow very likable fellow, but he doesn't he doesn't for Well, you know that I believe that's the setup. Yeah But we know he we know he doesn't believe what he said. No, I believe it you know, I think he's a fair-minded individual who is a He is has his own Bellicosity about certain issues, but in in the river he swims in he is the most He is the as they say the thinnest kid at fat camp he is The sluttiest nun at the convent and then And He's in crazy village so you have Glenn Beck who I it finally I finally figured out who Glenn Beck is He's Bobby Heenan. You remember Bobby Heenan Bobby Heenan the wrestling that's right. That's exactly who Glenn Bobby Heenan Bobby Heenan. Yes He's just looking to make trouble Has no idea what he's talking about. He just wants trouble. I like I like listening to him. I think he's an excellent Broadcaster he's fun to watch because he does that thing. It's a stand-up comedians trick You know, we used to be on the road. You do the same act night after night, right? And you'd have to go to the road. Hell, I'm doing it here You got to make it seem like it just came to you so that's the whole trick of his show is it's just folks it's I we are Folks listen to me we If we could just go back to 1979 Did you see this was the greatest thing this is when I realized how much I love this guy he does a program he's sitting on his chair and he's weeping and And he shows And he shows the commercial weeping for Do you remember the old coke commercial with mean Joe Green? Sure where he says have a coke? Yeah That's okay, and the little boy goes come on take it. Mm-hmm I mean Joe Green final is like, all right kid takes it and then he throws in the jersey comes back to Glenn and tears Yeah Politicians won't take you back there and I'm like, I think we can't go back there cuz it's fictional. Yeah, I think I Think it's a fictional commercial and then I remembered I think they taped it in 1979 which is when the Iranian hostage crisis was so exactly I guess we could go back there But why would we want to exactly and that's what I realized he made that fictional moment he's Bobby Heenan We have invited him numerous times to be on this show he will not come on I invited myself onto his program and did not come on well What about this? Woman who's a witch who's running for a Senate in Delaware I think it's an excellent. I think we could use a witch in Congress Somebody a little twinkle in the nose. Boom. Everything's taken care of right? Yeah, I you know, I feel bad for there They've uncovered videos of her from like 15 years ago from when she appeared on MTV and Lord knows on the last person who would ever You know if anybody ever went back to MTV and what I've said on there believe me I'd be precluded from Going to the post office. So, you know, I don't I Feel badly for I hope she seems nice What a way to put Delaware on the map though, huh is Delaware actually on the map, you know Okay, now here's Glenn Beck. All right, this is pretty good. There's Glenn Beck. Okay. Okay. Oh my god. He's pointing at us There you go. Oh, yeah Bobby the brain Heenan ladies and gentlemen Come on You know what I've got to do I have got to get me a color printer You're missing pixels, what about the Mahmoud Ahmadinejad your buddy. He was in UN. Yeah. Yeah This is a guy that comes in and says ugly things about Americans and and then is upset that we don't like him Well, he I don't he he was interviewed by Charlie Rhodes when he was at the UN and they said, you know What about America? What about relations with America? And he said well, he was explaining why we have bad relations He said I sent Barack Obama Congratulations on his election victory He did not reply And there's a guy who's up at the UN like the fist of fire will burn through America's skull I will I will drink your blood. I will rip off your head You know, he's like look, but at least you say hello. Yeah It's the kind of thing The thing that is so interesting to me about it is like I can't believe Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Hates Jews because he acts just like one of us. That's something we would do That's like that's something my uncle would do at a holiday be like you could say hello Pick out a nice car I love watching when the UN gets together. Now, this is the time of year Because all the countries of the world get together alphabetically and they're not used to being around each other and I don't know if you saw Barack Obama's address to the UN but he was talking about That there are still a lot of terrible trouble spots in the world and he's talking about Iran and Ahmadinejad and his threats to go nuclear and then he says about the Congo and then there is the Congo the people's Democratic Republic of Congo that still uses mutilation and beheadings as a weapon and at the UN everybody's on The the thing that translators so nothing lands for about six seconds. So he says Beheadings and mutilation as a weapon and you look right next to the Congo's Costa Rica and you look on their faces and they're doing this And then you see him leaning over to Colombia and they're like Switch places Mutilation and then there's like a five-second delay and somebody suddenly goes On the happier matters you were on Was it Oprah's first show of the first show? I took I took the entire I carried her entire audience To Texas. Yeah, Newark. I know I was on I was on the first week John Travolta had done the first show and he flew them all or is gonna fly them all to Australia and I gave them Something to read it's a long flight Really very thoughtful There's a picture of Australia in it, which would be nice. I go back you matter I feel like the expectation when you're Oprah is that When you meet her like she will help you right like even if you don't really need help you think well Oprah's here I must be getting something nice like it's not Well, that's right. She's absolutely transcendent. She is and she's she's made it difficult I don't know about for guys like you but certainly for guys like me because when these people come to this show The only thing the only thing they go home with is a bad taste in their mouth. Yeah Oprah is not not only you send him to Australia. They're moving them there Everybody gets a house. They're making them The worst thing that you can happen if you run it over as you get a makeover the best She could give you your own syndicated show. She could make you the governor She'd do whatever she wants and I really found myself after the show. I was so appreciative She had me on she talked about the book. She came backstage and said, you know, hey, thanks a lot. That was great Yeah. Oh, thank you open for having me on. She's like, all right. We'll see you later. I was like what? Yeah, wait a minute Where's my pass to heaven what? What are you can tell me now? Like look under your chair. It's your high school girlfriend Your high school girlfriend apologizes to you. You know, that's where my high school girlfriend would be too The troll You know in the beginning Oprah frightened me and I'm still Trepidatious around Oprah right but she's uh now what frightened you because she doesn't seem to be pretty squash me like a bug She could she could put me out of the business. Yeah, you thought she and she hated me that was that's what it was She didn't I I I don't I don't think she hated you I think that in your head is because of the the as we refer to it now the incident Oh, no, no. No, this predates the Academy Awards. Oh, is that true? Oh predates the Academy or she hated me long before then So you're saying in many respects on your show right now in front of millions of people Oprah is racist Is that what you're saying that she she hated you? because Am I am I am I maybe stirring something up the baby You may be getting a bad translation. Why don't you switch with Columbia? Here's where it happened, here's what happened. All right, she and I turned up she was with Stedman I was with my then-girlfriend Regina. We were both at a restaurant having lunch on vacation. I Said to Regina, this is hilarious. I'm gonna make Oprah buy us lunch So I called the way I called the waiter over I Called the waiter over. Yeah, sure in this role. Yeah, let me be Regina. Okay Oh So the waiter the waiter comes over and and he says I asked the the decision see who play And I said, oh This is a woman right over there Has been kind enough to take care of our check and and he says, oh, absolutely fine. Thank you very much So now as we're leaving and the waiter and Regina and myself are out that kind of at the door there I waved Oprah. Oh, she waves back now the waiter thinks. Oh, well sure Wait, yeah, she waves us. So then we walk we got a free lunch That's where it started Yes, I remember No, I have no idea Are you are you at a resort? I guess my point is this I can understand if you're at a restaurant and then you wave and leave and then you're off the Island, but let's say you're staying at like I don't know how you vacationed early in your career at a sandals. So You're you're at an all-inclusive resort sandals where you drink beads and now she's there for the rest of the week Yeah, where where could she find you then at that point or is this a dine-and-dash? No, no, we didn't run into one. It's not like we were on the same cruise Oprah and I but you're on the same Vacation she was in a hotel on one side of the island. I had accommodations on the other side of the island And that my friend is why I'm not going to Australia That can't be right and you felt that that that's that that she carried that with her. Oh, yeah, that pissed her off Look, it would piss me off Medina. Not not holds a grudge. Not everybody likes force play If that if that is not the title of your autobiography Letterman And they'll sell it in Walmart, well, here you go speaking of great titles for books another a best-seller right here It's called earth and this is a guide once once the human species has been obliterated And the the planet is still cooling off and trying to rebuild itself Aliens come they need some guides some help some tips Everything you need to know if you're an alien Visiting a heretofore, you know after the heat death of the universe, that's right Everything you need to know is contained in this one book right here called earth. You know what Dave? What would you pay for something like that? man, I This would be invaluable. It would be invaluable. I Thousand dollars I'd pay a thousand dollars. Well Dave you're in luck It is actually a thousand dollars And I would I if you want I'll leave that here for you and I'll wave You'll probably somehow end up sticking me with the bill for this. I don't know how I know that's your game Where's the price in this? You got no price on this. Do they not have a price on the day? Yeah, you get a price right there. Yeah, it's a barcode. I don't know if you read barcode Is that what you're doing 28 bucks? Is that what are you the Terminator $28? That's not But it's a book I'm sure you can get it for $11 like two days after it comes out It's a book. Nobody even have fun down there the big one March When is what's the date of the big March the big March is October 30th? It's a Saturday and I'll tell you at Columbus Day. You're gonna get a tremendous Columbus Day crowd That's what we're hoping to ride on the back of Columbus on this one It's the reason we're doing it is if we did it on Friday that we're down in DC that week We thought Friday we'd be tired. Let's do it Saturday. Then we'll come home Sunday is Halloween and Put some thought into it, that's good. All right, always a pleasure my friend That gunther. Yeah, he's a nice guy. Isn't he? That is a fine. I remember I first saw him at a Rathskeller in Berlin Doing a one-man tribute to Wagner terrific Well, that's nice. How you been buddy? I'm doing very nicely. This is my time of year. I'm plum excited It's a Jewish New Year's Wow Wow, we're still outnumbered. All right Jewish New Year's is a Friday or Saturday or Sunday. I really don't pay attention. But um, what year is it going to be? 1903 I don't It's something special. I didn't realize it's like 58. I'll see it when I go to Times Square 1903 I didn't know that I didn't know I was gonna be quizzed. It's been so long since Hebrew school. I don't remember But it's it's I love that time of year because you know the Jews party. So we're gonna really go out with some fruit and some wine and Yeah, really take it to the hoop this year if you know what I mean Sure, I know what you're gonna take it to the we're gonna take it to the hoop Speaking of hoop and the things athletic and then the sports and on and on Atlanta yeah, well, I wasn't there for the Olympics, but I was in Atlanta. Oh, you weren't there. I was there a week later Oh, did you get tickets? You just feel like a loser when you're there a week later you're walking around the Olympic Village just going so they ran here This is where they ran. That must have been very interesting But I I watched the Olympics were there other countries in it this year because I watched it on NBC I couldn't tell It was hard Next year honestly the next time they have it just the other countries cancel them out They're just getting away of our camera shots. They're really annoying It screws up the Nike ads. They don't they just I had a good time watching it Do you would use are you the kind of person I get and I get the sense that maybe you're not that watches a lot Of sports on television. You seem like more of an active guy less sedentary lifestyle for I used to be I'm watching it now like really and it's uh, it's actually creating a problem in my new relationship watch sports on television I'm watching it like this is sports. Not I watch it all the time and forgive me for courage relations a new relationship You said it's a new relationship and it's putting a strain on. Oh, I'm sorry to hear that I don't actually I have a clip if you'd like to see You have a clip Of how your new relationship is being strained. Well, sure. I'd like to show the people so they can see the trouble John Stewart Honey if I told you once I told you a thousand times I did enough of that at work I don't need it at home as well Sweetheart, I'm just trying to learn about what you do. That's all I'm just well don't and I thought I told you to hem these pants Said I'd do it after murder. She wrote You know what is embarrassing in that what's that embarrassing in that Gwynther is a better actor This note was handed to me about I believe it's for you John that mean anything to you buddy It's uh, it's funny. You asked me about the Jewish New Year's. Yeah Because it's the year fifty seven fifty seven Oh my god, but I do watch a lot of sports I you know what I watch about the Olympics that blew my mind was the courage of the gymnastics The women's team because I'll tell you something about myself if I were to do a gymnastics vault and and land on my ankle And tear it up. Yeah That's my last vault. I think you know what I'm saying? Just get on the bus and go home I don't care how many middle-aged Romanian fellas are urging me on that's That's my last box Well, they can be very persuasive can't they yeah, what an incredible motivator is you can do it You can do it. I can't believe she didn't go you do it. I cannot move my leg You know, it's interesting after the Olympics we had the American gymnastics team on Yeah, they're they're just I mean the the the appearances They're just kids some are younger than others But overall you just they're they're tiny little frail things competing at the top of their form the highest competition I saw the 14 year old Dominique motion She was doing the balance beam routine and she she did a she was in a routine she did I think a double flick flack into a hammel camel and Flick flack into a hammer camp. Yeah, and and slammed her head on the balance beam, which is I don't know if you know made of wood and She does it. She's 14 and she just does this and then goes into her dismount continues with the thing And again for me when I slam my head on the balance beam, I done. I don't go into my dismount. I Go into my uncontrollable fall Put that up there, there you go folks just tuning in it's 57 57 and the last time I saw you I don't know when it was like a year six months. I know you're working on movies Yes, and I know you're also continuing to travel around the country with your stand-up comedy It's very still managed to work at hula hands. How do I do all this? Good gig Yeah, I've been traveling around you like being out there on the road, it's lonely isn't Yeah It's a little lonely I bring my girlfriend sometimes we went to our we played it Actually though after seeing Gunther tonight stop it. Oh stop it. Once you go German I Should have said door ---- rhymes easier. Um We went to the Catskills which you have to do in the Catskill mountains They're about like a hundred miles north of New York City something. I fell asleep in the car I wasn't paying attention to the odometer Set the scene for the folks geographically. It's like the Jewish Vegas without the games or anything nice so It is beautiful countryside, yeah But the hotels I went to play there because it's like a Mecca you have to do it And I mean these hotels have been having big huge shows since the 1930s. They are legendary Yeah, they're legendary. They had huge shows since the 30s Coachers you figure Kutcher's the Concord all those you figure they'll still attract a pretty good audience up there I just didn't realize it was the same audience that was there in the 30s So, I don't know if you know this not my crowd They must have been like what in their early hundreds early hundreds Just sitting there smoking their Chesterfields giving you that look like you'll never be as good as park your carcass So I go out and I do it and the The you do the show for them and they all what's very nice is afterwards They come up to you after the show and they all go. Yeah, so Very gratifying, but I brought my girlfriend who is not Jewish So I was playing the big man the big Jew going, you know, honey, these are blintzes This is what we eat, you know that kind of thing. These are bagels. Please butter one, you know that kind of thing So there's a synagogue in the hotel. I Don't know why You know who's gonna go up honey circumcision time. Let's go to the Catskills. Yeah, but there's a synagogue there So we walk past it there's a little table outside the synagogue with candles that are lit to memorialize Beloved people who passed on there's a Friday night. So after the show we walked by the synagogue went There's the synagogue past the table didn't say anything My girlfriend's very romantic So I just walked past the synagogue in the candles without thinking twice. I turn around She's holding three of the candles She says won't this be nice in the bathroom? And I said it would be very nice if you don't mind bathing with dead souls She didn't know good heavens no excuse I'll tell you what Marv Albert would never pull that in the Catskills. No, tell him what Marv would pull And you're doing a you're doing an HBO show a very exciting idea for a program your stand-up comedy you're doing it It's gonna be a stand-up comedy show and it's not about the money for me It's not the laughter exactly and bring it to love to the people and it's just it's a fun thing to put together It's gonna be down in Miami. I've been there before although I'm not good with the heat like I have you ever been to Arizona? Do you ever go out there? Yeah, I've been there several times I've been there in the summer like a hundred and five hundred and ten degrees, right? Yeah, now does that seem like people should be living there? No, but it's fun. You know, I like unusual stuff Do you really yeah, I thought that was fun And and and they say to you, you know, but it's it's a dry heat I know much like a coal oven though It's like oh, you can't even breathe, but isn't it fun? I mean is it as an oddity, you know You leave the hotel in fun in the way of like taking a cigarette and pressing it into your palm fun Do you really you really enjoy stuff? I did enjoy that. Yeah, I found it exhilarating in an odd way Yeah, I'm sure it's shortened my life by several years. But right right, right It was I just like that they had they have these hoods on the outside of the buildings like the awnings that spray people with Water. Yeah, that's right, which I have never seen because they don't have them where I live on earth. They don't have People shouldn't live The the HBO show, let me make sure we have it right John is coming up September 20th HBO. That's a it's Saturday night, right a Friday night I go on at 9 Gunther goes on at 8. Don't miss that Back to see him. It's good to see you, too. Well, congratulations five years on the air. It's not easy Is it be a lot of people think it's easy? Oh, you only work an hour a day or so, but it's not you know It's terrible. Yeah, have you learned anything about being a TV show? Not really. Well one thing I will you know I was here right before the show started and I really feel like you You led me astray by not telling me how much lying I would be doing. Oh For instance you lie to you lie, you tell the guests you like their movies you lie You tell them you like their television shows you lie. You act like you like them And I really had no idea that it was that I would be right one of the biggest phonies in the world Every night I'm out there the other night Def Leppard was on the show and they're doing one of their new songs which you know, we're all excited about and and They and I found myself during the song like, you know doing this sure, you know, just in case they looked over And it's like oh, you know, I didn't even like their old songs to be honest Pour some sugar on me and let's get this thing over. I understand But you know, I like you so I don't want you to have any misconception about that That's really nice of you saying it means a lot to me, but I can't totally believe it Like I remember the first time he came on the show you introduced said the very funny Jimmy I was like, oh my god, Dave thinks I'm not just funny, but very funny exactly, right? And I was so excited but now in retrospect, I realize you probably don't think I'm funny at all Very funny looks like being a master magician exactly. Yeah, and thank you for by the way Here's what I remember about you you Grew up did you is that right in Las Vegas? Are you vacation that you lived there? I lived there. Yeah No, I grew up. I really and truly people say I went I grew up Las Vegas I went to Sammy Davis jr. Jr. High, right? I I I am excited to be here on a magician week. And in fact, I have a trick if you'd like to see it It's it's not a great trick, but it's a pretty What do we need here? I need a quarter. Do you have a quarter? I sure don't have a quarter. No All right. I'll use mine then. All right. So now now, where are you gonna you want to put it? It's called the French drop with my hands and it's close-up magic. All right, and you'll see here, right? Whoa Normally, I take it out of your ear, but I won't do that to you. Well, wow, that was spectacular. Thank you very much. Yeah Here's what I did instead of dating when I was a kid, here's the one I can do I think it's a version of the French drop and I and my son by the way loves this Oh, yeah kids and you you get the quarter to pass through the table. You know that one? No, I don't know Oh, you know that one. No, I don't My dad didn't do magic tricks for how can you have grown up in Las Vegas and not know this trick? Vegas is like it's like the pool filter for magicians in the world They all wind up in Las Vegas and I loved it You know when I was a kid, I went I used to go to believe it or not. I used to go to the gym. Mm-hmm and When I go to the gym this place Camelot was the name is a Camelot was the name of the gym Yeah, it was like nine dollars a month It was in the middle of just the suburbs and Siegfried of Siegfried and Roy I see though is he the one that was or was not? He's the one that was not was not yet. All right It's still good It was Roy, yeah Siegfried would come in and he'd do like four sit-ups and then he'd go sit in the Jacuzzi in the shower area and I would think oh, wow, this guy's in good shape How does it why would he just come do four sit-ups and then go sit in the jacuzzi area while everyone is showering? And then a couple of years later, I figured it out With the pieces of the puzzle together But did you see other tricks anybody else? Well, yeah Lance Burton, of course But they have now in Vegas and every place everything is extreme extreme magic, you know, there's a magician I think you're gonna have them on this week does extreme magic and to me What could be more extreme than that tiger eating Roy's head off in front of right? 3,000 horrified people Anything extreme after that my favorite part of of that brutal attack was It was Learning Siegfried and Roy's last names because the newspaper they can't just go with Siegfried and Roy Fish Bakker and horn But now wait a minute, why couldn't it had just been fish Bakker and horn that's a Does it it's mr. Fish Bakker and mr. Horn, right but in terms of naming the act I Don't fish Bakker and horn. You'll have to ask them. See I'm buying tickets to fish Bakker Siegfried and Roy, I don't know if I'm buying tickets to that Yeah, no, but you could probably get him for free If you ever go see Siegfried and Roy by the way Don't sit in the front because my dad took us once and we did go for free because my dad never pays for anything But we went and we sat in the back Luckily and Siegfried and Siegfried and Roy did their act and an elephant began urinating forcefully on the stage Dowsing dozens of Asian businessmen. Oh That's not where you want to be no And what what brings you to New York City, I know you don't get much time off when you're doing a nightly show So why are you go back and go to go to work? But I did come here, you know to see you but also I'm here to promote the Iron Man Oh Iron Man, what a film that is. Yeah. Yes. So now I saw the movie and I don't recall Are you in it? Oh, no, I'm not in it. But I really liked it. I really would like people That's very generous of you Jimmy Tell me about your you have more than one daughter how many I have a daughter and a son they're teenagers Oh my gosh. Now, what is that? That's um, well, you know people say oh that's got to be difficult, but really they're good kids It's I don't really I don't to be honest pay much attention to them, but they They look very happy and they're in high school. You do see pictures of them I took my daughter to I know this sounds like a like a fake talk show anecdote One of the you know, many lies that we spread, right? This is true last weekend My daughter is going to art school hopefully the art college and she has to put together a portfolio So I went to a life drawing class with her now This is where someone comes in a robe and then they'll take off their clothing and stand there nude Which is an interesting position to be in with your teenage daughter Now did did she invite you or did you invite yourself? I may have invited my I see. Yeah, and She was uncomfortable. I was uncomfortable, but my way of dealing with my kids is to make them more uncomfortable than I am And the models are rude by the way, because after you know, this woman she's actually an attractive woman I tried to give her a $20 bill at the end Furious furious absolutely furious My son is 14 and sometimes he'll come to the show and on the way home We'll drive home together and I said to him kind of seriously this is usually a time we spend together where I yell at him about his homework, but I Diverted from that for a moment and I said Kevin. Have you ever felt a woman's breast and He became very embarrassed and started laughing and he goes no and I go well You're gonna like it a lot Yeah You haven't had that with Harry yet. Yes, we have But now is that I mean is that and I don't want to tell you how to raise your kids But is that no, please do is that how? Is that how you go about it? I mean, I don't know really my mother's weird You know, my mom did very weird things. She would terrorize us as children Like she would my mom would lay there and pretend to be dead Sometimes and my sister and I it was one of the things like mom Come on, get up and then we'd start like, you know, like banging her and trying to get her up But she wouldn't wake up. She just lay there as if she was dead until we cried And then she then she woke up Wow. Is that not normal? Your mom didn't do that. I'm I'm gonna have to see you again next week Jimmy because Wow That's her idea of a joke. Is that what that is? I think she thought it was funny Yeah, I hope she thought it was funny. Otherwise, I really don't know what was going on there Wow. Wow, that's remarkable Yeah anything you want to mention about the show now that you're in well into your starting your sixth year, I guess Well, yeah, I guess we are sir. Yeah, um, just that um, I don't just if people watch it No that I don't mean most of what I say Really just take it with that grain of salt on your tongue Well, I I appreciate you finding some time to come out here and I'm serious about this. It's not well Thank you. I you know because I know what you got to go fly right back. Listen, I'll anytime you want I mean, I honestly I you know who was here a few months ago with Sarah Silverman. That's right. Oh, yeah We're a nice woman doing it for a long time now You know that didn't come up She's backstage if you need another guest, all right, well tell her I said, well, thank you Jimmy always a pleasure It's your first time here. Yeah, you're supposed to be here a couple other times. Yeah, just once you've been bumped or something Well, I'm sorry, but thanks for coming back. I hope you're not nervous. I'm extremely nervous. Really? Well, I'm sorry to hear that Yeah, I'm you know this I I idolize you. Oh, come on. I really I really do It's absolutely true. I you know, I I love you. I would say just hold it right there. Yeah, I really really loved That's fine. Well, I appreciate that Yeah, in fact the whole reason I got into television is I was thinking that one day you and I might be able to hang out Maybe you find something else to do with your life Just so you know, I'm not blowing steam up your ass this is um this I think I would kind of know That's a picture of me at my 18th birthday and that's my you remember when you're on NBC, yes, I do Well, that's my late night with David Letterman cake. Happy 18th birthday. And also you taught me to smoke That's my brother who's here in the audience Since gotten taller. Yeah You know actually on my 21st birthday as kind of a theme you mind if I take off my shirt Well, I do I have a choice in them. No, not really. All right. Yeah, watch you're gonna lose your a microphone there On my 21st birthday my friends and I um, what are you doing for God's sake? You need any help. We had a few drinks. I actually do talk up pretty good Struck me as a kind of guy that might yeah All right, by the way, my breasts are all natural, please You got more hair on your shoulder than Paul has on his head You could use a shave yourself. Yeah. All right, please. All right suit back. Oh, yeah I grew up in Las Vegas. Actually, my grandfather has been watching the show as long as I have since 1982. He's 92 years old He's 75 he watches every night he takes snapshots of you and mails them to me I wonder why I mean, he doesn't understand that you're gonna get dressed, right? You know, that's much better I see His his flash didn't go off. No, we're not doing it again. You're pushing your luck now. All right Yeah, let's let's talk about the the show. No, you got a man show The show is touching me that is designed to to irritate people. No, no, no I thought it's supposed to irritate women. No, it's it's not really supposed to irritate women supposed to elevate men. Oh Have you heard of this Oprah character this woman she's got a talk show on the afternoon You probably haven't seen it but I Had enough of her and my buddy Adam Kroll and I said let's do a show where we get girls We get trampolines and we put the girls on it. We let them bounce up and down and Yeah And and how does Oprah figure into this? She doesn't really but it's the show is the anti Oprah. It's an Oprah don't And and you started your career as they started out in their radio, yep Yep, I read in a like a Playboy magazine article that you started out in radio So I decided that that was the best course. Thanks a lot for that. By the way You're beginning to make me really uncomfortable with all of this stuff. Yeah, I'm sorry Was there a period of your life when you came by the house really late at night? What did you work in radio, oh, I worked all over the country I was fired at every radio station I ever worked But it's fun. Is it radios a lot of fun? Um No, no, it's no it really it's fun when you're on the radio It's just when when you get off and you have to deal with all the wieners that work in it Yeah, it's a problem and you we worked in Los Angeles I did I worked at K rock in LA and and I wasn't fired there Luckily, is that where you met your friend Adam? That's where Adam and I how did that happen? What was that deal? well, Adam was a boxing instructor and Yeah, I was gonna box a guy on the air It's one of those radio thing and you can see from my body that I'm an athlete. Oh, yeah, you're pumped up You're pumped up and ready to go Yeah, I probably should have worked out right get some nair but But we met and we hit it off and So you guys are pretty much single-handedly. Oh, you're also on the on the on the Ben Stein. That's right That's it. That's entertaining Have you really I think it would give me a great thrill if you've actually watched one of these shows and enjoyed Whoa, geez now you put me on the spot there. Oh, yeah. Yeah. All right. Well, thank you Did I show you my tattoo? Don't do it again And things going well you guys with a single-handedly saved Comedy Central pretty things things Oh, yeah, I think so. Yeah, that network is really going into the toilet Yeah, we've saved them good for you. Yeah. Well, nice nice meeting. Well, it was nice to meet you. Thank you very much Hey, do you think that maybe one day when we get old we could do like a blooper show together?