The Funniest Dog Jokes For National Dog Day

I got a dog recently. I did. I went down to the pound. I got one of those free dogs. Yeah, that's how I say it. I don't say I rescued a dog. I hate when people say that. It's like totally obnoxious. It's a complete exaggeration. She's a rescue. Yeah, I rescued her. Really? Did you pull her out of a burning building? Did you jump in a river with your clothes still on with no concern for your own safety? Or did you just go down to the pound and get a free dog? Isn't that what you did? Stop acting like you had to take out a couple of guards, crawling on your elbows, using hand signals. Dude, you ever go down to the pound? They're just giving them away. They don't even do a background check. You want an egg? Get out of here. Who's next? You want a poodle? Come on. You got a perm. It'll be hilarious. Actually, my girlfriend got the dog when I was on the road. I was on the road. She got the dog. Classic girlfriend move, right? That's just a 10 to 15 year commitment. Why would you include me in that decision? What would I need to know? So we're Skyping. I thought she got one of those little ---- dogs, you know, like a Yorkshire Terrier or something. You could punt across the room if it got out of line, right? Something you could take your day out on. You know what I'm saying? And so we're Skyping. I go, let me see it. So she pans around and I think I'm going to see, some little chihuahua, whatever the hell those dogs are. I'm immediately staring at like this hellhound. It's just massive dog. And it looks, I start freaking out. I'm like, is that a pitbull? Please tell me you didn't get a pitbull. She's like, it's not a pitbull. It's a mix. Mix with what? Another pitbull? Look at that thing. It's like it's been doing pull-ups its entire life. It's front paws were still taped up and shadow boxing. It's got a teardrop tattoo. It's a pitbull. What more do you need to see? Oh, it gets worse. Her and a friend actually didn't get it down at the pound. They found it by the Los Angeles river. Yeah, this thing was the real deal. She's sitting there going, it was out there for 10 days. Don't you think that's sad? No, it's scary because judging by its physique, it got plenty of protein over the last week and a half. It wasn't eating nuts and berries. All right. It was choking out joggers. It was twisting heads off of rabbits. You brought a murderer into the house. Just rescue an alligator while you're at it. Sticking under the bed, add to the excitement. You know, it's great though. I fell in love with the dog. I absolutely love this dog and I'm totally sold on the breed. And I know a lot of people don't like pitbulls because they ate a couple of kids. I understand that. I'm telling you, owe it to yourself at some point in your life to walk down the street with a pitbull. You got to do it. It's tremendous. People just get out of the way. Four blocks away, they see me coming. They immediately start crossing the street. I love it. I feel like a king. Why black people complain about that? I love having the whole side of the street to myself. It's awesome. Black people have no idea how difficult it is as a white man to have to walk down the street every half a block, have frivolous conversations about the weather. Oh man, I think it is going to rain. Why? Why do we have to have this conversation? No, it's tremendous. I like the respect. Look at me. My whole life, I've looked like Ron Howard. You realize that? My whole life, I've been mugged repeatedly. I've never had any street cred whatsoever. The second they see this four-legged P90X body coming down the street, that's it. It's the best dog on the planet. You got to get a pitbull. I'm telling you, man, it's like a gun you can pet. Get two of them. Come down, you're just strapped. All of a sudden, there's no line at the ATM. It's just the whole world opens up for you. I'm going to talk about my dogs for seven and a half minutes. I don't know if you guys have dogs. If you don't, I don't know where your self-esteem comes from, but good for you. I miss my dogs when I travel, but I have a little trick which I'll share with you when I'm in a different town. What I'll do is I'll sneak into a local dog park and get some strange. Nobody checks who owns the dogs. I don't think that'll work when I have children. I don't think I can get up on the road and be like, I miss my kids. Oh, 1010, recess, let's do this. I'm from out of town. Who wants their belly rubbed? I got my dog from an animal shelter in St. John's, Newfoundland. Not to be a good person. I was just poor at the time and I wanted something that liked me. And I called them. I said, hello, may I have a dog please? And she was like, yeah, we have a surplus. So they brought it over the next day. And she was like, this is Lou. And I was like, oh, cool. I wasn't looking forward to naming it. I looked at this dog. I remember the first time I saw her, she was perfect. She was 16 pounds overweight. She had one eye that went this way and one eye that went the other way. And she was missing part of one of her ears. And I was like, lady, I was promised a full dog, but she was gone. So now I'm here with this dog that I did not get the chance to name, Evander Holyfield, which feels like a missed opportunity. My girlfriend also has a dog, so I have a stepdog. He is a golden doodle. I did not know a golden doodle was a type of dog. A golden doodle, to me, sounds like a luxury dildo an elderly woman would use. Harold doesn't talk to me on Sunday nights. He knows what I'm doing. I'm getting to the tub with a glass of Shiraz and my golden doodle. It's been in my family for generations. Dogs are priceless. That one cost $1,200, which is $1,200 more than I paid for my dog. And I'm worried about her self-esteem if she ever finds out. Because the golden doodle is so big and photogenic, he wanders around the house all day with a look on his face like he almost knows calligraphy. And then Lou walks around the store and is like, excuse me, da-da, how much was I? I'm like, $1,200. And then Lou comes up, she's like, oh, and me? How much did I cost? I'm gonna be like, oh, your mother and I love you both equally. You were on sale. I got some news last year. I had to take Lou to the vet, and the vet told me that she had a torn ACL, and that was devastating financially and emotionally, of course. I don't know. Sometimes I wonder, I'm like, I wonder what it's like to have American health care. And then I went to the vet and I was like, oh, roughly that. But vets are incredible. I was like, can you please fix my dog? She's like, yes, of course. And you won't believe this, but we have a salon right now. So I can offer you a surgery that works 61% of the time for the low, low price of $9,200. And I was like, what? This dog was free. That's how they get you. That's like Columbia House. I gotta get that joke on TV right now because in 30 minutes, no one's gonna get it. She had a torn ACL, and that made me very upset because I don't mean to be rude, but that's an athlete's injury, right? My dog doesn't play basketball. That's not what happened. That would be a better story. What happened to your dog? Well, check out the highlights. And LeBron James is flying down the court and he's got an open layup to put the Raptors out of the playoffs again. And there's no one there to stop him. But wait, here comes Matt Wright's fat dog flying down the court. Oh my goodness. And she soars through the air like a loaf of bread with legs and puts a scrawny little paw into the air and rejects the greatest athlete walking the planet. You want her to be in movies, LeBron? Welcome to Air Bud 5, bitch. Oh no. But it looks like she's landed awkwardly and she's clutching her little knee. That might be a torn ACL, which means Lou, the somewhat beagle, is out for the season. That's not what happened. She was asleep on the couch like she is 18 hours a day. And then she farted in her sleep, woke herself up, back flipped off the couch, landed on her paw, and now my kids can't go to university. My girlfriend has an emotional support dog, which I have no experience with. Like, I remember the first time my girlfriend cried in front of me just looking at the dog being like, do you got this? I have no experience with pets. When I was a kid, I would ask for a pet and my parents would say, what will we do when we travel? Right? Then we never went anywhere. My friend was like, weren't you lonely without a dog? I was like, no, I was busy preparing for this voyage the whole time, man. Getting vaccinated. Last time I was home, just out of the blue, my mom's like, we should have gotten you a dog. That always hurts. You're hanging out with your parents. They start brainstorming ways you could have been a better person. You know, same trip out of nowhere. My mom goes, when we get old, I hope you don't put us in a home. And I was like, well, what will I do when I travel? I love dogs. I more love our relationship with them more than anything. Do we have dog people in the audience? Make some noise if you got a dog. Yeah. Okay. Where are my cat moms at? We got cat moms in the building. Yes. Otherwise known as psychopaths. It's weird that we do that though. I don't know why we call cat moms psychopaths. Cause quite frankly, they're the only pet owners whose pets have actual freedom. Right? Think about it. Cats can kind of do whatever they want. They can roam around the house freely. They got a little kitty litter in the house. They can ---- in the house, man. Cats can just attack people. You ever get attacked by somebody's cat. And then the owner's always sorry. She just gets anxious around people, you know? Oh, oh my bad. Okay. Yeah. I'm losing feeling in my big toe because Garfield won't take down his Zoloft, but okay. All right. Cats can roam the streets any hour of the day. Middle of the night, cat can just cross the road. You see a cat cross the road middle of the night. What goes through your mind? That's a cat. Dogs can't ---- in the house. Dog's got to ---- outside. A dog's got to wear a leash to take a ----. Not a very loving relationship, in my opinion. Dogs can't attack people. A dog attacks somebody, he gets put down. A dog can't roam the street any hour of the day. Middle of the night, you see a dog cross the street. What goes through your mind? ------- call someone. Check his tags. Where is his owner? You're just going to let him run around like this? He's going to hurt somebody. Somebody claim him or I will, which is a messed up attitude dog owners have, by the way. How is it that you see, hey, that's where your mind goes first? Hey, you see that living breathing thing over there? It's mine now. I want it. I claim it. Now, fun fact, dog ownership is strictly a Western concept. Rest of the world, this isn't really a thing. Here, you can own a dog just because you love it. Rest of the world, there's only three reasons why you would own a dog. One, you're flaunting your wealth. Two, you need security. Or three, you're hungry. Don't owe it me. That's just the truth. Don't get mad at me. Get mad at ... I'm not going to say the countries, but get mad at them. Get mad at them. Now, I have a theory for why this is, but it's kind of dark. Are you guys still willing to walk with me? The reason why I think dog ownership is strictly a Western concept is first, everyone lost all their slaves, and then went, could I please own something living? Hello? No, who else is going to listen to me regardless of how I treat them? No, no, no. Who else is going to guard my house, but also sleep in my bed with me? Who's going to do that? No, what else am I going to use for my underground fight ring? What else am I going to use? Oh my God. Dog owners tend to pull back at this part. They're like, no, I love my dog. He loves his home. Okay, take the leash off. Leave the front door open. Put your money where your mouth is. Like half of you won't be roaming the streets with a tear-stained stack of flyers and a stapler yelling to the heavens, please help me find my dog. He ran away at the first opportunity because he loves me so much. I get it, dog people. It's not you. It's the other dog owners. Everyone that's not in this theater right now. Right? I've heard all the arguments. I've heard them all. They're like, no, I can't be compared to these awful people. I feed my dog organic food. I use the leash that goes around the body instead of the neck. And then my personal favorite, my personal favorite, he's a rescue. I saved him. If it wasn't for me, he'd be in a more dangerous and a more harmful situation. Fair play, dog owners. That's a good argument. But also in fairness, slave owners used to say the exact same things right down to the strays. Back in the day, if you saw a runaway slave on the streets, what went through your mind? ------- call someone, check his tags. Where is his owner? You're just going to let him run around like this. He's going to hurt somebody. Somebody claim him or I will. This isn't a judgment of you if you have a dog. This is not an indictment. I'm just saying the logic checks out. All right. But I am not judging you for owning a dog. In fact, the last point I'm going to make here, and I cannot stress this enough, I'm really happy it's dogs now. For the love of God, keep your dog. I've been having a really good year this year. This year has been great. Last year sucked. Last year, I just had to get my dog a $7,200 surgery. Yeah, fake boobs aren't cheap, guys. I love my dog so much. His name is Doogie. He's the cutest dog. No matter what happens, like good set, bad set, horrible day, good day, I go home and I cuddle with Doogie at night. Every morning I wake up too, I look at him and I go, good morning, Doogie. How are you doing this morning? Are you still tired? You can't be tired. You were sleeping all night. You guys can judge the voice all you want. Hey, if you don't change your voice, if you don't change your voice when you talk to a dog or a baby, you're a serial killer. You can't be like, hey dog, how are you doing this afternoon? That guy's murdering people on the weekend, that guy. You have to be like, and that's how I talk to Doogie. I just talk to him how I think he could talk or how he would talk if he could talk. He's little. Sometimes I thought that too. I was like, I wish Doogie could talk. And then I rethought it and I'm like, dude, he's so needy. There's no way. He's so needy. If Doogie could talk and he had a cell phone, I'd leave the house for five minutes. I'd check my voicemail. It'd be like, you have 30 new voice messages. Boop. Hey, what's going on? It's me, Doogie. Listen, I know you said we're going for a walk. I just kind of wanted to touch base and see what time you were thinking. Go ahead and give me a call back. I'm at who? Boop. Hey, it's me again. Listen, have you seen my red ball? Yeah, you don't know what we take to the park. Anyways, no big deal. Call me when you can. Some packages are here. Hey, you're not going to want to go in the living room. I couldn't hold it. I'm just kidding. It's me, Doogie. I'm a father and recently, I'm a father and don't applaud that. I'm a dad. I can't do this. I've got to explain why I'm dressed like this tonight. When I first got into comedy, I started off as a trained dog act. It's not funny. Shut up. The producers requested that I brought my dog Jojo on here tonight to perform for you. Because of a car accident, Jojo died earlier today. Thank you. I don't know what to do. I replaced Jojo tonight with my father, Tom Goldthwait. Tom, come on out. Tom Goldthwait, ladies and gentlemen, my father. Come on. Jojo's favorite. Get over here. You like Montreal, Dad? Take it off. My father and myself would like to end tonight's performance with a tribute to my new friends to the north. Here we go. Quick. One, two, three. Three.