GIRLS FIGHT AT MY SHOW! [Full Crowd Work Show - 28 Minutes] - Michael Blaustein

Please come this way. You just gotta get that, okay. What's that man? You just like scaring children? I don't like being rude. What the **** did you just say? Are you a scary gentleman? Because you look, you have a costume of a scary gentleman. But inside you might be like, I'm a little teddy bear. You are? Can I hear it? Let me hear it. I'm a ******* teddy bear. Dude, if I touch your tummy, do you go like this? Please give it up for the very Michael Brown style. How are you man? You okay, bro? What does the shirt say? Ford Bronco. Just Ford Bronco? Do you have a Ford Bronco? You **** with Ford Broncos? You guess so? What type of indecisive answer? Do you like them? Or you just like, you just like, you just like the shirt? You just like the shirt. What type of car do you have? A Buick. A Buick? Are you a grandfather with a Buick LeSabre? What is it? Uh, Verano. Buick Verano. Dude, what the **** with you? Is that your first choice? Or was that car passed down to you? Passed down. Okay, what year is it? The Buick Verano. 2016. Okay, daddy. Okay. That's cool. I don't even know what type. What does that look like? Is it a two door? Four door? SUV? Four door? **** yeah. Is that your girl to your right? But heck yeah. Do you like the Buick Verano? Say no. Shut up. Huh? No, don't make him feel better. He made the ******* dumb decision. Nah, I'm kidding. Okay. And how long have you guys been together for? You guys look very nice. Six years. Beautiful. Did you have the Buick Verano when you guys met? No. What did you have when you guys met? A ******* scooter? What did you have? What did you guys have? What did you have, man, before? Chevy Malibu. Don't ooh that. No, no. That's cool, man. Keeping your grandfather trend going. I like that. That's okay. Okay. That's a nice little Chevy Malibu. Okay. You guys ever fool around in a Malibu? You ever eat her ass in a Malibu? Answer me. Just ******* around. This guy's so cute. No. I'm sorry. You guys are awesome, man. And sorry, bro. I didn't ask you. What's your name, man? What? Brennan. Is it Brandon or Brennan? Brennan-nan-nan. Brennan-nan-nan-nan-nan-nan. That sounds like your stupid ass Buick trying to start. Baby, I'm so sorry. You missed a lot, lady. Okay. His name is Brennan-nan-nan-nan-nan. He has a Buick Verado. And she doesn't like it. And what's your name, ma'am? KCM Brennan-nan. Okay. That's great. And six years ago, you guys met? Dude, where did you guys meet? At a bar? University. That's cool. What'd you major in, man? Finance. Okay, daddy. Okay. What do you want to do with that, man? Finance. Finance yourself a better car, bro. Just kidding, Brennan-nan-nan-nan. You're gonna make it, dude. Don't worry about it, bro. How old are you, Brennan-nan-nan? 26. Oh, you got lots of time, baby. Okay. And ma'am, how old are you? 24. Hey. No, I'm kidding. That works. And you went to university as well? For two years. And you moved? Moved away from education? Excuse me? Oh, to a different school. Okay, great. And did you get your degree? That's beautiful. What'd you get your degree in, ma'am? Education. F**k yeah. Heck yeah. And what are you doing with that now? Are you teaching the youth? I'm finishing it up. Oh, you're still finishing it up. Okay. You're pretty ******* old. I'm kidding. No, I'm just playing. Okay. And how many more years you got in education, ma'am? I finished in August. You finished in August? Congratulations. And what do you want to do with that? You know, you want to teach the youth? You want to be a professor? What do you want to do? Kids. You can't frame the sentence like that. Kids. Okay, sorry. No, absolutely not. Cut that off to whatever the f**k you have. Okay, that's awesome, man. That's a very noble profession. F**k yeah. Okay. And six years you guys lived together? Moving in in July. Beautiful. What? You guys already got a place? Ma'am, you're going to move with him or he's going to move with you? Or you guys are going to get a place? You guys are going to unify and get a place? Great. Good. And where? What's the address? Just kidding, man. F**k yeah. Okay. And what's your favorite position, bro? I'll list them off and then you tell me. We'll play a little game of how do you f**k. That's fun. Welcome back to How Do You F**k. I'm your host, Michael Blaustein. Okay, okay. Reverse cowgirl. No. Missionary. Sure. Okay. Your car matches that position so we're totally fine. I love you. That's awesome. Do you guys want to have any kids? You do. He didn't respond but that's okay. I know you do. Just kidding. Thank you. Clap it up for them. They did a great job. I like them. Holy Toledo, man. This is super fun. And ma'am, where were you? You were coming back from where? You were pretty late. Excuse me? You got to talk up, b**ch. I can't hear you. Hey, you're very far away from me. What'd you say? Get in the water. Okay. You a little parched? Dehydrated? You didn't have water today? Zero water? How come every woman I know don't drink ******* water? I don't understand. Do you have any headaches? No headaches? Okay. How come you didn't have water today? You don't know? You forgot? Okay. That's okay. Do you have a boyfriend or girlfriend? No? You forgot? When was the last relationship, ma'am? A couple years ago. Okay. That's okay. Are you... So maybe two years? Two years ago? Were you dating? Dating? No? Zero dates? Zero dates, two years. Zero dates. That's crazy. How's the... Is everything... Is everything intact? Okay. Still work? Is there a caution tape around the... Cobwebs? Are you... How are you... How are you releasing the demons? Amish? Amish style? Or you're doing the *******... Or you're doing... Or you're doing a Chevy Malibu, that ******* p**sy. It's just a question. So how come you haven't been on any dates, ma'am? Or you're just having a meet two years? You don't need anybody? You just focus on your career? Just focus on your kids? How many kids? How many got? Two? You look pretty young, ma'am. Can I ask how old you are? 34? Okay, that's very normal. Okay, two kids. How old are they? One of the kids? Six and eight. That's... Those are two beautiful ages, ma'am. And what's... What are their names, ma'am? Ashton and Willow? Oh, they're gonna be some yoga instructors. Jesus Christ. That's cute. How'd you come up with the name Willow? You just like it? Okay, cool. And what's your name? Debra. Hello, Debra. Nice to ******* meet you. And what do you do for work, ma'am? You don't? Oh, s**t. Did you... What? Did you... How do you get funds? Answer me! Did you... Did you marry... You married a person with some cashola? Oh, no. So how do you get fu... Ma'am. How do you get funds? Hold on. Ma'am. Shut up. Shut up right now. How do you get funds? Are you... Hey. Did your job start only and end with fans? No, it's... No, it's not. It's not. You're a liar. It's not. Okay, Debra. That's what we're doing. That's right. Hey. This guy looked at you. I think I've seen you. I've seen her work. That's ******* great. So how do you get funds, Brenna? You don't know? You don't want to answer? Okay. Is it strip... Strip... To f**k? No? So no, like, pictures you've taken? Can you please tell me? Okay. Well, I was... Okay. Well, thank you so much for... For you participating. And who is this Jack... Who's this Jack guy to your left? Do you know this Jack guy? Jack... That guy? That... That guy? No? That guy that looks like a human thumb? That guy? I'm so happy you guys can see this motherf**ker. He's... No, you're great, man. F**k. Goddamn. That's cool. I told you. You look *******... Six foot. You're 5'10". Liar. I know. I ******* knew it, dude. Because I was saying I was 5'10". For the rest of my ******* life. Hell no. I'm 5'8", b**ch. I don't give a s**t. Okay. That's beautiful. Okay. Are you with the lady to your left? You're not? You're... You're solo dolo too? Oh, well, cool. Do you like women with mysterious jobs? What do you do? Just tell me. I won't tell nobody. But everybody on TikTok. I'm kidding. Okay. And what do you do, man? You have a very... Police face. No. Okay. You got a ******* weird job too? What's your name, man? Justin. So nice to meet you, Justin, man. F**k. You have any hobbies, Justin? I do. You do? What are your hobbies, bro? I'm into cars. You're into... You're into what? Cars. Into cars. Okay. Can you talk to him? Because he... Yeah. Because what do you want to... You... Okay. Oh, you want to... Oh, you have a Ford shirt on as well. But I think you are labeled... This motherf**ker is mislabeled because he don't have a Ford. I think you're into Fords. That's beautiful. And what would... What kind of car would you suggest Brendan NNN get? He needs a what? A Shelby. Oh, a Shelby. Oh, s**t. You think he can support a *******... He don't look like a Shelby guy. Okay. All right. Okay. And what kind of car do you have? A Shelby. Okay. You have like a two-door or the truck? No, no. Two-door. Okay. And you have... When was the last day you... You're wrong, sir. Yes, sir. 26 years. There we go. Been with your wife for 26 years. And where's she at? You don't know if it's good. Don't clap. Okay. Is this going... Are you still with her? What do you mean, Ann? What does that mean? What did Ann mean? Technically still married. You guys live apart? Apart? No, you guys live in the same domicile? What the f**k is going on? Okay. Are you guys... You have marriage trouble? Marriage issues? Okay. What's an issue that we'd like to talk about right now? What's an issue? She snore. Huh? So does she snore? Does she snore? Do you snore? You do? Okay. Maybe that's a you problem. That's a you problem. Okay. What does she do then? What does she do? What's the problem you guys are having? You sat in the front row! Yeah? What's the problem you guys have consistently? Me. That guy's cool as f**k. That guy was cool as f**k. That's why you guys are gonna last forever. This man, quickly. Me. I'm the problem. I'm sorry. Sit down. You had your ******* turn. Why do you think it's always you, man? What do you do? Anything you're doing to help you having issues? You going to therapy? You're not going to therapy? Anybody go to therapy? I'm just kidding. You guys are crazy. Okay. You ever been to therapy? Never in your whole life? Okay. What do you think his main issue is, ma'am? His attitude problem. God damn! Okay. You think he can fix that? No? God damn. Okay. That's cool. And how long have you guys been married for? 12 years! That's ******* beautiful. Any kids? How many kids? Two? Are they yours? They're together. Okay. Beautiful. Okay. That's ******* great. Okay. And what is your favorite position? This motherf**ker didn't want to answer. Anything? This guy is the most low ******* maintenance guy. What's your favorite position? Clean? Doorknob if she lets me. I don't care. How are you, ma'am? You okay? So, what's up, man? That's cool. You got a nice energy about you. Very smiley. What's your name? Alice. Hello, Alice. Are you with anybody here? My sister and her husband. Sister and her husband. F**k yeah. Okay. That's... You look like a beautiful ass motherf**king couple, man. Are you... Alice, do you have any significant other? I do. Where is he? He is in London. He's in where? London, Ontario. Okay. Is that far? Erica, you think I know ******* Canada? Is London, Ontario far? Oh, shoot. Huh? 16 hour drive. 16? 1-6? Jesus Christ. Why is he so far? He's a pilot. Well, tell him I'm gonna ******* fly him back. Is he just based in there? Yeah, kind of. How long have you been with him for? Two years. Okay. So, it's new-new. Okay. You guys want to have a kid? Yeah. Yeah? Okay. Are you guys training? He's too far. He's too far? He's 16 hours away. You guys can't ******* too ******* ******* far away. Okay. Can you go visit him? You just went? Okay. So, you might have a baby inside you already? That's cool as f**k. Hey, what's up, little motherf**ker? Future Michael Blassand fan in there. That's what's up. Okay. So, he went in there, raw dog. Air Canada. That's ******* awesome, dude. This is cool as s**t. Man, y'all are too… Damn, I want to talk to… Y'all are too far. You know what, man? F**k this, bro. F**k this, dog. Ah! I'm ******* loose, bro! I'm ******* loose! Ah! And he got hair. Who gives a s**t? What's your favorite position, you motherf**ker? What's your favorite position? Tell me, I'll kiss you! What's your favorite position? I'm telling you. You're not telling me? Come on! What's up, man? How are you? Nice to meet you, bro. You're *******… Oh, look, it's cool as s**t. That's nice. Whoa, s**t. What's your favorite tattoo? You got a lot of tattoos, man. I think I have one here with a skull. What's that? With a skull. A skull. With a clock in it. Yeah, yeah. Why? Because you're always waiting for the time of death. You don't have any significance? You just like time? Like time a lot? You were just drunk? Yeah. Oh, s**t. Someone just did it? So, did you request it? Yeah. You did? You requested it? Okay. Damn, you were drunk though? They could have put anything in there. If you look closer, there's probably a swastika. Let me see. Oh, s**t, there is! All right, listen. What's your name? Dominic. Who? Type of ******* jumapel did you just say? I'm Dominic. You're who? Dominic. I have a French accent. Yeah, no s**t, bro! You think he had Down syndrome? I knew he was French! This motherf**ker is Dominic! What's your name? Dominic! I know, you're French! Jumapel ******* doin' twa, bitch! I suck everybody's d**k! I'm sorry. Oh, s**t! I didn't know that! Sorry, man. How do you like being French, bro? That's cool, I think, I guess. That's cool? Okay. F**k you and Benyama! All right. Whoa! No one got on board. Zero people got on board! Hey, what's up? How are you? Great! Nope! What's up, bro? Yo, real talk. How f**kin' hot is this guy? Jesus Christ! That dude is hot! Hold on. Wait one second. Come follow me. Hold up. We got this s**t. Hold up. Hold up, baby. Oh, this is kind of... Look at that, boy! You like security guards? Did you see that motherf**kin' beefcake of a motherf**kin' human being? Dude, he walked into the green room. He tried to tell me something. I was like, b**ch, ain't nobody listening to you? You know how when someone's so hot, you're like, what are you even talking about? Okay, have you seen him? You saw him when I was next to him? A little bit? Okay. So you like security guards? You like to feel safe? Sure? Okay. So what do you do for work? Kidding. Just kidding. Ho-ho! T**s! F**kin' Monty. Work! Okay. I'm so sorry. I left you for no reason. You're the cutest woman in the f**kin' world. And I just... Oh, s**t! She's so annoying? Jesus Christ! Everyone... No, this is a nice person. I feel it. Why is she so... Why is she not nice? Hold on. One person at a time. So how come everyone... I say you're nice and all your friends think... Nah, she's an idiot! Oh, you guys are not friends? That makes it way worse. Why is she... Why are they talking s**t? Apparently, you're not allowed to have fun anymore. Oh, oh, oh, oh, okay. This is, um... This is real. And this is cool as f**k. Um... Okay. All right. Hold up. I'm so sorry, bro. I'm so sorry, man. I'm sorry, daddy. No. I'm sorry. It's all right. Okay. Dude, I'm gonna get hit. This is only the second time I've ever done this f**kin' off the leash s**t. And I'm gonna f**k up and get hit. I know I am. Protect me, you hot motherf**ker. Dude! What is your skin routine? Look at that goddamn skin! Bro, what's your skin routine? I, uh, do cleanser. Some peptides in the face. A toner. Toner. Moisturizer as well. Yo, say that again slower. He said he did peptides in the face! Who does that s**t? I'm trying to get hot. Okay. Oh, my God. Shut up. Hold on. Okay, hold on. Hold on. So, so you guys don't know each other? No. So, what were you doing that made them so upset? She won't shut the f**k up. Back to Jerry Springer. Bro. Yo. I'm your host, Jerry Springer. So, on this episode, this white b**ch apparently is being loud. And the people to the right of her are very upset. And apparently, the people to the left as well. So, okay. Listen, you'll have your time in court, baby. Why? I'm so sorry. Why? You know what? I'm not sorry. Why? What happened? So, she was just yelling the whole time? Yeah. I'm so sorry, Dad. I gotta get in here. No, I'm sorry. No. Oh, he put his hand. Okay. What's up? What was happening? She's just yelling the whole time. Raising the drink. Clearly wanting attention. Oh, clearly wanting attention. Okay. F**k. Just being a woman. Joking. Okay. Hi. How are you? I'm good. How are you? That's awesome. Are you guys together? Yes. You guys are really, really, really Canadian. No, I'm just saying it's nice. I know, dude. Look, Canadians are hot as f**k. I'm not saying that's wrong. I'm just saying you guys look Canadian. The best white motherf**ker possible. Hell yeah. And you guys are together for how long? Two and a half years. You're so goddamn beautiful, man. You guys look really nice. Are you guys... How old are you, if you don't mind me asking, ma'am? I'm 24. 24. Beautiful. And sir, you are? 23. You got a deep-ass goddamn voice. That was great. How old are you? 24, sir. I like that. Great for you. Good for you, man. That's awesome. And what do you do for work, man? You look like a well-put-together gentleman. My family owns a tile business. Oh, get pregnant. He's rich. A tile business? Speaking of a tile, what is on your hair? Can you get... Please come this way. You just gotta get that. Okay. That's a tile. That's what I was saying. And no one laughed because no one could f**k that. What's that, man? You just like scaring children? I don't like being broached. What the f**k did he just say? What did you say? You don't like being broached? Excuse me, security guard. I'm swimming in deep waters over here, baby. Okay, you don't like being approached? Oh, just in public or maybe like this? Is this okay? You're okay. I'm okay. Okay, great. Because you look like a very scary... Are you a scary gentleman? Because you look... You have the costume of a scary gentleman. But inside, you might be like, I'm a little teddy bear. I'm a ******* teddy bear. You are? Can I hear it? Let me hear it. I'm a ******* teddy bear. Dude, if I touch your tummy, do you go like this? Ha-ha! The f**k were you, man? Grab me. No, I'm joking. What's your name, man? Norm. Norm? You are the opposite of Norm-mal. Goddamn. No, that's awesome, man. Okay, so when you talk to the devil, what do you say to him? Nothing nice. Nothing, nothing nice. Okay, I'm just kidding, man. What do you do for work, brother? I drive truck. You drive truck? F**k yeah. Okay, so are the... So how much meth? Hookers. You said hookers? Dead hookers. What? Yes. Repeat that? You're in Moncton. It's dead f**kers. St. George. Where'd you listen to the first guy? All right, I gotta... Hold on. Is Moncton... Does Moncton have dead hookers? Okay. Are you from Moncton? Yeah. Okay. Are there a lot of dead... Not that I was aware of. Okay. So I think this is a you problem, bro. I'm kidding, man. Thank you so much for what you do, man. That's ******* cool. Driving trucks. What's your favorite part about driving trucks? Not being around people. Dude, you went to... You picked a comedy show to be... This is the... Okay. Oh, that's your lovely wife? We'll go with that. We'll go with that? We'll go with that. Move on. Is that... Are you not his wife? Girlfriend, yes. Girlfriend. Okay. Isn't that easy? Why? I don't understand. Dude, you did kill hookers. God damn. What's your favorite position? I'm joking. Oh, s**t. She left you. Holy s**t, man. Thank you guys for letting me do that. That was fun as f**k. You guys look awesome, bro. Holy s**t. Monkton in the motherf**king house. God damn, Jim McPell. Motherf**ker kills hookers. This is awesome.