WISH UPON A GENIE | Matt Rife

Hey, I'm not taking s*** from a stranger, alright? Is that an old lady? What is that? You have a joint? Jeannie from the Hollywood Bowl? No f***ing way! How are you alive? That's f***ing insane! Okay, if... So this was two years ago, we played the Hollywood Bowl and towards the end of the show, I was smoking a lot of s*** at the time and I smoked a joint with this older lady named Jeannie and it was one of the f***ing coolest moments of the night. I'm not going to do that right now, we are too early in the show but hold on to it, alright? We still have a lot of show left. That's crazy! What are you doing here? Jeannie, how old are you now? 71! I actually invited a good friend of mine who wanted to come out and perform with me a little bit tonight and I was wondering if I could bring him out to maybe play a song maybe f*** around for a little bit. He lives here in LA, he's actually from Ohio just like myself, Greek Theatre. Let me hear a warm round of applause for my friend Machine Gun Kelly. Holy s***! What's up, Bob? What up, baby? I'll be right back, I'll be right back. Enjoy, I'll be right back. Hello, Los Angeles. It's closing time One last call for alcohol So finish your whiskey or beer It's closing time No one should give alcohol To that guy who looks like he hates me right here What's the one part of that song? The catchy part? I know who I want to take me home You! I know who I want to take me home Because it feels like you'll give me a sloppy blowjob I'm just kidding, I'll be nice, I'll be nice, I'll be nice. You are my fire The one desire Believe when I say Doggy style I want it that way Missionary isn't that much fun at all Missionary, except maybe it will be with you because your face is hot Tell me why I never want to hear you say Doggy style, I don't want it I'm sorry. I just got off a really long tour. I don't know what I'm doing here. I'm really happy that Matt brought me. Who am I talking to? This lady right here. Stand up again. Oh, that lady? Oh, I thought you were trying to **** that guy the whole time. Do you mind if I share something personal that you said to me? I mean, this might be TMI, because we are in public, but it was that part where you were like I like big butts and I cannot lie You other brothers can't deny When a girl walks in with her itty bitty waist And a round thing in your face, you get sprung What a pull up front, she noticed that bow was stuck And you're beat by the jeans she's wearing Unhooked and you can't stop staring Oh baby, Matt wants to get with ya He said he'd give you a picture Women will try me to warn me That butt you've got make Matt so horny Hey, alright. I did not. That was a voice memo. That legitimately is word for word of what he said. It was a voice memo and I said it in confidence. Alright? I ******* hate how talented you are, dudes. If I could play guitar, I'd never do comedy. Ever. You guys are so lucky I suck. Where's the 71 year old who you smoked with? Genie, right here. Do you wanna just mark that joint? Do you wanna just mark it? Absolutely. Go ahead, Genie. Genie light it. Let Genie light it. Let's get high as **** With a 71 year old Pass that joint to us Oh, yeah Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Puff, puff, pass her, yeah Oh my God, Genie Let me find out you got a better ******* weed than Wiz, bro. That's what I'm saying. I just came off a tour with Wiz. This might be you and Wiz Khalifa got the best weed I've ever tasted. It's medicinal. Genie, all I ask in return is that when you die Her name's Genie? Yeah. I know. You can put it on the guitar. Selfish. Genie, have you done any other drugs? You were gonna what? You were gonna bring DMT? Jesus Christ, man. That's crazy. Yeah, why don't we just start with anal? That's crazy, man. You don't drive straight into DMT. Jesus Christ. Oh my God. That's your son? I fully believe that. Thank God. How about we make a better one? Yeah, Genie, that's my one wish. That's my one? Those eggs are scrambled. I know they are. You're too, too cute, Genie. Should I leave? Like I'm done singing? No, no, no. You ******* pull up a chair in the corner and just watch. Pull up her shower chair and just watch. Genie, I can't tell you how cool it is that you're here. Do you know when I was in Europe, people were bringing up the fact that I smoked with you on stage at the Hollywood Bowl? So you're kind of an icon. Just a little bit. Keep it coming back to this. She's a genie in a bottle, baby That's gonna love you the right way, honey You're a genie in a bottle, baby That's gonna love you the right way, honey All right, look at me. Don't look at him. I know he's ******* gorgeous, all right? Too, too cute. Genie, I mean, we've waited two years to see each other again. Do you have anything? Take her backstage. I don't know. Let's ask her heart monitor. Let's see. Did you smoke any of that? You didn't just ******* light it and hand it to me? I'm pretty sure she just lit it and handed it to me. Hold on a second. Pass it back? Is it still lit? No, no, no. Hold on, let me light it. I want to do one more. Give me the lighter. Show us how to do it. I'm *******, oh God, I'm terrified. All right, that'll do. Here we go. Pass this back. You can hold on to that, genie. There you go. Why are you shaking so much? She's 71. Jesus Christ. Damn, she hits that like a ******* sheep. Oh my God. Was all that smoke exhale or did you queef? What was that? Have you smoked with Al Capone? But you would have loved to have met him. Well, he was a criminal and a murderer, some would say. Who was like your celebrity crush when you were growing up? Paul McCartney. He's still alive, right? I'm going to see if I can make this happen. What's the cutoff age for a Make-A-Wish? Even though technically she gets three. Because she's a genie. Anyway, whatever, man. That's fine. That would be ******* awesome, dude. Well, I only know ******* MGK, okay? So I don't know Paul McCartney. I do have a ******* John Lennon tattoo, though. Not bad. It's slowly turning into Harry Potter. Do you have any tattoos? None at all. Oh my God. I actually got one before the show. If I would have known she was going to be here, I would have got her ******* tatted. Just right on the forehead. Expired. Well, genie, we do have to wrap this up. Unfortunately, there's a curfew for the video. We're in a neighborhood, you guys. There's people arguing with their families right now. Hey, **** those neighbors. **** those neighbors. If you hear us here tonight, shut the **** up. We're going all night. We're not going to stop. We just got high with a ******* genie. I'm Aladdin. I feel like I'm on a carpet. Say your last words over this. Say her last words? Jesus, your last words. Chill, bro. We're going to do this? We're going to do lights while I say the last words? All right, genie, if you turn around, do not go into the light. There's about 5,000 of them. This is maybe the coolest thing I could have ever expected to happen at this show. I don't know if you guys know this, but we actually broke the record this weekend for most shows by a stand-up comedian I lived here for 12 years, could never afford a ticket to come see a concert here. So to get to come back and play three shows here with you guys, LA, I miss you. I love you. I really do hope you had a great time tonight. Thank you so much for having me. Let me get one more round of applause for Machine Gun Kelly! Bring it in, boy. Bring it in. Love you, man. Thank you for doing this. Greek Theater, thank you so much for hanging out with us tonight. Happy New Year 2026. I'll see you again soon. I love you. Goodnight, everybody. You brought me a hat? Put it on. There we go. Now sit down. Let me see this thing. Oh, that is so sweet. Thank you. You left the tag on it? You have the receipt still? What's your name? Karen. Damn it. Wait, what's your ethnicity? Mexican? They're taking our jobs and our names. Thank you so much. I appreciate that. Go sit down, Karen. That is so cute. I kept it. Thank you, Karen. That's your sister? Both of you sit down. How old are you? Yeah, you. She said 68. 68? Shut up. Chill out. She's 68. I'm not going to put a ring on it. I'll put a toe tag on it. I'll do that. Say again? You saw me at the Dolby in November? You came back again? Thank you so much. You're so sweet. I got you a hat. I bought that. And have you met the severely gay gentleman next to you? Gay for real, right? Or do you just do magic? He's like, I'll make your dick disappear. It's an amazing jacket. It's great. I'm going to bury you in his jacket. I swear to God. Have you guys been introduced yet? What is her name? Jeannie. Rub this lamp, see what happens. What's your biggest hobby right now? 68, what keeps you busy when you're not working? What do you love to do? Bake? That's the cutest ---- I've ever heard in my entire life. I get baked quite often as well. Do you smoke weed? Do you really? Chill out, it's medicinal. She just rubs it on her joints. Did you bring a joint tonight? No? **** Jeannie, if I had one I'd give it to you. Are you handing her a joint? Jeannie, please take street drugs. Just take it. Oh ----. Can I go through? Oh God. There we go. Get in here. Oh my God. Jeannie, you're so ******* cool. I'll do one more. Hold on. Look, it's Jeannie. I'm going back up. Are there stairs? You got me out here in the middle of nowhere. You're in trouble. This way? We did it. Well, Jeannie, we just did fentanyl. Oh my God, that was the coolest ---- ever, dude. You know when you rub a lamp and the smoke comes out and then the Jeannie comes? I feel like this is a preemptive, dude. Cut to Jeannie in seven minutes. You're going to be just fine. Don't worry. Everybody be chill. Everybody be calm. Everybody be good energy. Let's not scare Jeannie. Everyone be chill. I'm chill. Didn't budge. Probably because you couldn't hear me, but I still love it. How long have you been divorced for, by the way? I'm still holding his bread. I forgot. How long? Oh, here in Hollywood? He was gay. He CGI'd cum on your back every time. Guys, be quiet up top. She'll see you on her way to heaven. Hi, balcony. Say again. You what? You said you thought this was heaven? But this is Hollywood, so this is quite literally hell. You died seven years ago at a Matt Rife concert. Fucked to death in the third row. It was tragic. And a magician watched the whole time.