My Daughter Cut Me Off After Not Paying For Her College

Brought to you by the EveryDollar app. Start budgeting for free today. Right now, my daughter's not speaking to me because I, you know, there was comments that I said about me not putting myself in debt for her to go to college. I never said I wouldn't help her. It's just, you know, I don't want to put my family in danger for putting me in a loan. So then after that, I mean, it's been probably now a year and three months that she hasn't talked to me. And I guess my question is, I make about $185,000. I have $45,000 in debt. I still want to help her, but I just don't know how to do this or how to even explain it to her. It's just, you know, it just got pretty ugly. Can I ask a question? I feel like for whatever reason I'm making an assumption and I don't want to make it if I'm wrong. Is your wife involved or is this a, is it just you and her or is there a wife involved? Tell me more about your family situation. So yeah, so me and my wife are willing to help out, right? And the only thing is just one of the things that we don't try to do is put ourselves in loans. Understood. I just wanted to make sure I understood the family dynamic. So it's you and your wife. When did this conversation start? I'm curious because this is like, we know that eventually someone might go to college. This was June 2025. That's when you started the conversation? Yeah. Okay. And when is college supposed to begin? Well, she actually graduated this year and she decided to go out of state in college too. Okay. And you guys never had this conversation? We had the conversation a couple of years back, but her mom and what I'm saying, I'm not with her mom. That's what I was trying to understand. Yeah. I guess they'd never give me type of information or anything, you know, like to be able to clear things out. They're just like, oh, you need to pay for this. And then in that same conversation, they were like, oh, well, can you at least help for the car? And I was like, what car are we buying? So there was never really any type of information given to me other than just little bits and pieces. And then you just expected me to do it right there and then. Okay. Understood. That's, that's the family dynamic I was trying to get to. I had a sense that something, there was a separation or, you know, she, your wife is not in the house. Here's, here's what I think is happening and I could be wrong, but just by the way that you're saying your words, it sounds more like you're talking more about what you're not going to do versus talking about what you are going to do. And I would be leading the conversation with exactly what I'm going to do to help. And I think if you do that, then it will cause them to hang out there as well. And remember that from the conversation, for example, if she says, but daddy, I want to go to this school and I, the only way I'm going to go is going to, I need a $30,000 loan. And you say, I'm not taking no $30,000 loan, right? That's not going to work. But if she says, but daddy, I want to go to this college and you say, honey, I'm going to give you $15,000 for college. It's up to you to figure out which school you can go to where that money will go the furthest. Here are my suggestions. Do you see what I'm saying? That's a very, that's a very different conversation. Now you've never said, no, you've never said, no, you've just said, here's what I'm saying yes to. And I think that that would go a long way because if what's happening is true, which is they're having a bunch of side conversations and they're, you know, marinating on this and maybe inflating it beyond what you've said, your best protection is to be able to say over and over, I'm giving her the 15,000. I'm giving her the 15,000. I've said, I would pay, you know, up to this point for this particular school. So if you're being accused of not caring, show that you care by saying, here's a school that works. It's in my budget. If we all pool our money, we can do it like this, right? Let's solve the problem versus everybody talking about what we can't do. Yeah. And that I did try, but that thing is like, no, she needs to go here. That's what she wants to do. And that's what she's going to do. And then at that point I was like, Hey, well, I'm not going to be able to do that. Especially if it's out of state. Um, and then you've got to pay out of state fees too. So are you not helping at all financially right now? Yeah. So what I did was just, uh, put, you know, I put myself in child support and all that stuff. So I've been paying all that, um, child support. Um, and that's pretty much a, and when she, whenever she comes through, she came to the house before, you know, she, you know, she had her own room, her own place to be. And I had, you know, told her like, Hey, if you need anything, you know, come to talk to dad. Well, not any. Yeah. Like, well, what I meant, like, uh, when it came to school, right. You know, let me know and we'll talk, but I don't need to be talking to your mom because it's just become such a toxic. Well, that's what I want to know. What is the relationship with mom versus you? And how long has it been like that? Yeah. So, so it's been 18 years. I never married her. So I have my own family, uh, with my wife. Yeah. So yeah, with my wife, I never married her. Uh, so she, I never been with her ever, ever since my kid was born. So this is just kind of been for lack of a better word, like baby mama drama for 18 years back and forth, back and forth. Okay. That makes a lot more sense. Now I just want to, I want to clarify just to get down to brass tacks. We understand you're not going into debt. I would not, I would agree with you. And I think George would too. We're not going into debt. I'm not signing a parent plus loan. I'm not going to recommend for her to go into debt. How much, how much money do you plan to give her every month or every semester for college? What's the number that you have in your head that I don't have? Uh, but I mean, I could come up with the number. That's what we need. Could that restart this relationship? I think if you going to her and saying, Hey, I have really screwed this up and I'm so sorry. There was a lack of clarity. I did not communicate well. I communicated too late and that's on me. What I do want to do is restart this conversation and create a plan for you to go to college debt free. And here's how much I can do right now based on my financial situation. Would that get her to perk up? I'm hoping. Yeah. Cause there's so much deeper here. This is, there's a lot of relational issues. This money thing is just like one baby symptom of years and years of broken relationships. And I think she's now seeing this as, man, this guy hasn't been there for me relationally. And he's not even here for me financially. Well, yeah. And that's how it seems. Right. And the thing is that we always, I've always been there for her. Uh, she's stayed with me. Like I told you guys, like every weekend and stuff like that. Uh, I made sure that I went to the courts, got child support on myself and then make sure that I had a visitation for, uh, with her because I knew that we're going to try to pull her away. Um, so I made myself, uh, you know, available for there's two conflicting family dynamics. You've got a family over here who were no debt family. And then there's a family on this end for her. That's like, Hey, whatever it takes, we're going to do it. And she's caught in the middle of that is what it sounds like. I agree with George wholeheartedly. If you come to her, because I'm gonna tell you like this, my dad said to me, I'm not, when I, when I said, I want to go to the school and I need a loan, he said, I'm not doing student loans. He said to me straight up, he was like, you better get a scholarship. You better be good at sports because I'm not taking out no student loans is what he said. And I was like, okay, you know, and I remember at the time feeling away about it. Cause you know, you're 18, you're 17, you're 16, you're young. Um, but on this side, I'm like, Oh, thank goodness. I'm really glad that he didn't ensnare both of us. You know, I went on and I was hard headed and took out some loans, but at least it wasn't a parent plus loan. And at least I didn't ensnare him in it. So I think on the flip side, like longer down the line, she's going to appreciate that. But if you do what George said and you humble yourself and apologize for not starting this conversation earlier as the adult, she is, that's going to do something to her on the inside because parents don't apologize to children enough for the mistakes that they make. And so please, please do that. And don't do it in the heat of the, of the, you know, the next conversation you, you go first, call her up and get, Hey, can I take you out to lunch? Can I take you out to dinner? Sit her down and go, I messed up. And here's how I, how I did it. And I think that's going to change the whole landscape from this going forward. Yeah, no, I agree. Cool, cool, cool. Well, it's a great wake-up call to all the parents out there. Do not start this conversation as your child is touring schools. Start this conversation at 12, at 14, at 15. So there's no surprises. Your kid knows exactly where you stand. Hey, I will cover four years at an in-state school. That's right. That's what I'm willing to cover. And if you can't, if you don't have the money, that's okay. As long as you have set the expectation, I don't have the money for college. You're going to have to get a job. You're going to have to do work-stay. You're going to have to go to community college. As long as you set the expectation, that's all we can really ask of you. Create your free every dollar budget today. The simplest way to budget for your life.