The Ones with Pregnant Rachel | Friends

Did I miss it? Rachel, I want you to know that, if it's positive, we're gonna... Oh, I know, I know. It's time. No! Go ahead, Rach. Oh, wait, you know what? I can't look at it. I can't look at it. Somebody else tell me. Somebody tell me. Okay. It's negative. What? It's negative. Oh. Oh. Well, there you go. Phew. That is, that's great. That is really great. Great news. You know, cause the whole, uh, not being ready and kind of financial aspects, all that. Wow, this is so just the way that this was supposed to be. Well, then great. God, this is so stupid. How can I be upset over something I never had? It's negative? No, it's positive. What? It's, it's not negative. It's positive. Are you sure? Well, yeah, I lied before. God. Now you know how you really feel about it. Oh, that's a risky little game. Are you really going to do this? Yeah. I'm going to have a baby. I'm going to have a baby. With who? Oh, it's still not the time. Look, I feel really bad about how I freaked you out before, so I called the father and asked him to meet you here so you could tell him. Go. What? Hey, wait a minute. Baby, how do you even know who the father is? I may play the fool at times, but I'm a little more than just a pretty blonde girl with an ass that won't quit. I believe this belongs to the father of your baby. Oh, God. Oh, he's in there right now? Uh-huh. Now you can turn around or you can go in there and rip the band-aid off. What do you want to do? Uh, let's rip. Really? Are you sure? Oh, Phoebe. Okay, sorry. Yeah. Hey, Rach. So what's this about? Rachel has something that she wants to tell you, and I believe that this is your red sweater? No. This is my red sweater. Oh, no. Could I get anyone a coffee or poison? No, just for me? Okay. What's going on, Rach? Nothing. Phoebe kind of made a mistake. But, you know, you do wear that sweater a lot. Are you involved in some kind of dare? You know, I'm actually glad Phoebe called. I know we broke up because you thought I wasn't mature enough, but I've really grown up, and I think we should get back together. Oh, this is just not the right time. It is the right time. Okay. I'm ready for more. Tag. Come on, Rach. Let's give it another try. I'm having a baby. Oh. You can go. Thank you. Hey, did Rachel find you? No, why? Oh, she was looking for you. Oh, well, I guess I'll catch up with you later. Well, she really wanted to talk to you now. Yeah, it seemed pretty important. Oh, no. What? I think I might know what this is about. Really? Yeah, uh, we promised we weren't going to tell anybody this, but about a month ago, Rachel and I slept together. And? Well, I thought you'd be a little more shocked. Oh, sorry. And? Well, we said we'd just do it that one time, but now I think she may want to start things up again. Yeah, I don't think that's what it is. Hi. Um, I think there's something that we really need to talk about. I think we do. Why don't we go inside? Look, I know why you're here. You do? Yeah, and to save you from any embarrassment, I think maybe I should talk first. Okay. Ross and Rachel. Rachel and Ross. That's been one heck of a seesaw, hasn't it? What? I mean, look, that one night we had was fun and certainly passionate, but don't you think it's better if we just stay friends? Seriously, what? Okay. You know what? If you want to, we can do it one more time. I mean, I'd be okay with that. In fact, I have some time right now. Okay. You know what? Can I talk now? Oh, sure. Okay. I'm pregnant. Ross. Okay. Whenever you're ready. And you're the father, by the way, but you got it. Can I get you some water? I'm good. I'm good. Ross, there is no pressure on you, okay? I mean, you can be as involved as you want. Yeah. I, uh, I'm just, I don't know. I don't understand. Um, how this happened. We used a condom. I know. I know, but, you know, condoms only work, like, 97% of the time. What? Well, they should put that on the box. They do. No, they don't. Well, they should put it in huge black letters. Okay, Ross, come on. Let's just forget about the condoms. Oh, well, I may as well have. Listen, you know what? I was really freaked out, too, when I found out. Hey, I'm not freaked out. I'm indignant as a consumer. You know what? Let's talk later. No, no, I want to talk now, okay? In fact, I want to talk to the president of the condom company. Okay, you know what? Maybe I should come back. Shh. Yeah, I'll press one. Hi. Hey, hello. So, how was the honeymoon? It was great, it was great, but how about you? I mean, you're having a baby. Oh, look, I have a sonogram picture. Oh, good. Ross, it's got your wavy black lines. All right, so now that Ross knows, can you tell us, you know, how it happened? I mean, when did it happen? How many times did it happen? Monica, that's not right. Start with where. Well, it happened about six weeks ago, and I had just gotten home from work, and Ross was already there, because I guess he'd been hanging out with Jogie. You're welcome, buddy. Yeah, thanks. And so I had a lot of work to do, and Ross, nice guy that he is, offered to help me out, and then we had a little wine, we got to talking, and next thing you know, out of nowhere, Ross comes on to me. Oh, that's a little misleading. What is? The lie you just told. That you came on to me? There's the one. But you did. I mean, let's be honest. Yes, let's. You know what? It's not important. What's important is that we're having a baby, and it doesn't matter who came on to who. Whom. That's right. You know, you kissed me first. What? You were begging me to kiss you. You were sending me signals all over the place. I was sending you signals? Yeah. Oh, please, okay. Anyone in this room think that I would actually send Ross begging signals? Please, show of hands. You know, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter what people believe. What matters is what happened. Okay, well, so these signals, Ross, explain this to me, because maybe I need to be more careful. I mean, am I sending you these signals right now? You know what? You know what? Rachel, just drop it. No, please, show me how I begged you. I can show you. I have it on videotape. It's an expression. I wanted to. Interesting. Anyway, um, probably worked out for the best. Yeah, sure. Okay, in about ten seconds, you're going to see him kiss me. And in about five seconds, you're going to see why. Ross, did I ever tell you about the time that I went backpacking through Western Europe? Okay, get ready to see some begging. Oh, you came on to Ross. What? Now I'm so happy. What are you talking about? You used the Europe story. That's the magic story you use when you want to have sex. How do you know about that story? I heard it from my friend Irene, who heard it from some guy. Some guy. No, no, she told me that his name was Ken Adams. Oh, well, you're just the prettiest ballerina I've ever seen. Thank you. Oh, wow, that deserves another piece of candy. Thank you. Well, I have to say that earns two two pieces of candy. I love you. Oh, honey, here, take it all. Monica, we need more candy. What? There's only been like four kids. Yeah, I know, but one of them just said that she loved me, so I just gave her everything. No wonder you're pregnant. Hey, Ross, and he said that you're looking for a new place? Oh, yeah, hopefully across the street. Certain Dutch people would just let go. I was kind of hoping you'd stay. But, Joey, I have to go. There's no room for a baby here. No room? It's a baby. It's like this big. You could put it over here. Or we could put it right here. Oh, it's cute, right? Or we could put it over here. You wouldn't even notice it. Where's the baby? Honey, it's not just a matter of where you put it. I mean, a baby changes everything. They cry all the time. I mean, imagine bringing home some girl and trying to score when there's a screaming baby around. I could use a challenge. It's getting pretty easy. Honey, it's so sweet that you want me to stay, but I can't do that to you. I mean, it would disrupt your entire life. I love living with you so much. I just wish things didn't have to change. I know. You know, I blame Ross for this. I do, too, a little bit. I'm going to miss you. You're the hottest roommate I ever had. Oh, you told your dad the truth about an hour ago. Want to go see a movie? Yes. Bye, Dad. Hey, I do, too, think about the consequences of my decisions. But what gives you the right to... Go to hell! Stupid guy on my phone. Come with me lately. I mean, it's like every guy I see... I mean, okay, look at that guy, for example. I mean, normally that's not someone that I would be attracted to, but right now, with the way I'm feeling, all I want to do is rip off his sweatpants and fanny pack. Wait a second. This is about the fourth month of your pregnancy, right? Yeah. This is completely normal. Around the fourth month, your hormones start going crazy. Really? So this has happened to you? Oh, absolutely, yeah. Oh, and keep in mind now, I was carrying triplets, so, you know, in medical terms, I was thrice as randy. Wow, this explains so much. Last weekend, I went from store to store sitting on Santa's laps. Yeah, yeah, I remember trying to steal a cardboard cutout of Evander Holyfield from a footlocker. Oh, yeah, oh. Well, you know what? I go see my doctor tomorrow. I'll ask her about this. Maybe she can give me a pill or something. Yeah, yeah, that's what you need, a good pill. Hi. Just so you know, Dr. Long can't be here today. She was called to the hospital, so Dr. Schiff will be seeing you. Oh, okay. Hey, can I ask you a question? Was it me, or was the guy who took my blood sample really cute? You know who I'm talking about? Bull haircut, hairy fingers. Hi, Rachel. I'm Dr. Schiff. Yes, you are. So, how's it going? Oh, it's really, really good. Enough about me. Come on. Where are you from? What do you do? I'm a doctor. Right, right. Actually, I meant, you know, in your spare time. Do you cook? Do you ski? Or just hang out with your wife or girlfriend? I don't have a wife or girlfriend, but I do like to ski. Oh, I love to ski. How amazing is this? So, are you experiencing any discomfort? No, I'm very comfortable. Any painful gas? No! Shoot, Dr. Schiff, what kind of question is that? Okay, then. Would you like to lie down on the table? Well, would you like me to lie down on the table? I'm sorry, is there something going on here? Do you feel it, too? Sorry, honey, I'm just having a rough day. Oh, what's wrong? Oh, you really, you really just don't want to hear about it. Then why did I ask? Okay, it's just, I mean, this is really embarrassing, but lately, with this whole pregnancy thing, I'm just finding myself... How do I put this? Um, erotically charged. Is that college talk for horny? Yeah. So, you know, I have all of these feelings, and I don't know what to do about them because I can't date like a normal person, which is fine because I don't need a relationship. I mean, all I really want is one great night. Just sex, you know, no strings attached, no relationship, just someone that I feel comfortable with and who knows what he's doing. Just one great night. I mean, is that really so hard to find? So how was your day? It was good. I saw a pretty big pigeon. Well, I gotta get up early, and it's almost 7 o'clock, so... Yeah, I gotta go to my room, too. Okay, good night. Good night. I can't do it. I didn't ask you to do it. You're Rachel. You're Joey. You're my friend. Right back at ya. Yeah. Plus, it would be wrong and weird and bad. It's so bad. I don't even know what you're talking about because I didn't ask you to do anything. I know! You wanna do it? No! I mean, neither. I'm just testing you. Hey, well, that's the end of this conversation. This conversation never happened. Never happened. Good night. Get back in there. Oh, hi. Hey. Ross and I were looking for you. What are we all doing in here? Oh, my. Yes, we're all in here, and we'd love for you to join us. Well, hey. What's going on? Ooh, cool boat. Oh, no. Hey, did you tell him? No, I was waiting for you. Tell us what. We're having a girl. Oh, wow! I'll get you later. Wait a minute. You hated the name Ruth. Why would you change your mind? Unless you know we're never gonna have to use it. You did see the folder. You know it's a boy! I didn't see anything. I actually changed my mind about the name. Oh, I don't think so. You're just giving me Ruth, so you'll get to name him when it's a boy, and then that's when you'll swoop in and name him Heath or Blaine or Sequoia. I would... Sequoia? Veto. Fine. Unless... you anticipated that I would figure all this out and you know that it actually is a girl, and you really do want her to be named Ruth. Well, I'm not falling for that! Okay? Ruth is off the table! But, Ross, you want the name Ruth. Not like this! Joey, Joey, something feels weird, and not good weird. I don't know... Whoa! Oh, hey, oh, do not worry, okay? When my sisters were pregnant, they got every weird feeling in the book, and it was always nothing. Really? Absolutely. But we're gonna stop by the hospital just to be sure, okay? I'll page Ross on the way. Okay. Oh, God! Ow! Oh, okay, Rach, Rach, Rach, look at me, look at me. Everything's gonna be fine. Okay. Trust me, okay? Come on, take my hand, here we go. I've got... Ow! Crushing bones! Okay, good thing we're going to a hospital. Hey, so? She's fine. She was experiencing Braxton Hicks contractions, mild discomfort caused by contractions in the uterine wall. Hm, mild discomfort? So I take it you've had one of these Braxton thingies? Absolutely, so, but everything is normal? Absolutely. And then there's no danger to her or the baby? No, no. Contractions can be unnerving if you don't know what they are, but she's fine. Thank you, doctor. Oh, thank you for being so nice and calm. Calm? I wasn't calm! I've never been more scared in my entire life! But wait, you said everything was going to be okay. What do I know? I'm not a doctor! But everything is okay. I'm fine. You sure? Yes, yes. I got half a mind to contract that doctor's uterus, though. Mild discomfort. What are you talking about? Oh, wait. Is everything okay? Yeah, everything's fine. Your page said come to the hospital. What? What was it? What happened? Something called Braxton Hicks contraction. Oh. Thank God. That's no big deal. Most women don't even feel them. Okay, no uterus, no opinion. Hey, what's with the candy? Oh, when you beat me, I was on line at the concession stand at the movie theater. Oh, you went to the movies by yourself? No. Mona! I gotta go back in there. Why? What's wrong? No, everything's fine. I just gotta go back. No, really. Tell me. What's up? I forgot my underwear. So, thanks so much. For bringing her to the hospital. Oh, hey. Don't worry about it, man. Don't worry about it. No big deal. Yeah, but still. I mean, it should have been me. I'm the dad. If you have any questions, here's some information on Braxton Hicks. Oh, thanks. Oh, and by the way, you did the right thing by bringing her in. You're gonna make a wonderful father. Oh, uh... Hey, not as good as this guy. He brought Twizzlers. I... I think I'm falling in love with you. Joey. Joey, I love you so much. But I... But? Joey. Yeah, right. Hey, that's, um... That's okay. It's fine. That's, uh... Pretty much what I was expecting, you know? So, uh... It's no big deal. All right? I think I'm gonna go. No. No, Joey, please don't. Please don't leave like this. No, come on. You cannot do this to a pregnant woman. Start doing that. You... You can't do that, Rich, because then you're gonna make me do it. Oh, there we go. Oh, can I? Yeah. You know, I was only kidding. Hi. Hey. So, what's the final head count on my baby shower? About 20. A couple people from work who had something else to do. Also, both of your sisters called, and neither can make it. What? You mean they're not coming to a social event where there's no men and no booze? That's shocking. Well, I don't care. As long as my mom's here. Oh, my God. Your mother. What? My mom's not gonna be here? Well, given that we forgot to invite her, it would be an awfully big coincidence if she was. My God. Well, if it wasn't my fault, Phoebe was in charge of the invitations. Well, I don't... I don't have a mother, so often I forget that other people... Oh, give it a rest. So, my mother is not coming to my baby shower? No. Neither is mine. You know what? Don't worry, okay? We'll take care of it. We'll call her. You just go home and get ready. Please, make sure she comes. That's really important to me. I mean, that's my mom. I know, I know. What's her number? I don't know. Go. I have my book. Go. Wait a minute. If you're in charge of the invitations, why am I the one who has to call her? Hello, Mrs. Green. Hi. It's Monica Geller. Oh, hello, Monica. Hi. I know this is last minute, but we've decided to throw an impromptu baby shower for Rachel today. I know. My daughters told me about it when they received their impromptu invitations a month ago. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. For what, dear? For not inviting me or for lying about it. Oh, my God. My ass is sweating. I noticed you picked out a lot of our dinosaur items. Oh, yeah. Actually, that's one of the reasons why we are not a couple. I chose those. I'm a paleontologist. Really? That is so cool. Oh. Oh, yeah, don't get too worked up over it. I mean, it sounds like he's a doctor, but he's not. Oh, no, no. I'm fascinated by paleontology. Have you read the new Walter Alvarez book? Yeah, I teach it in my class. Oh, my God. I'm standing at a cash register, I'm holding a credit card, and I'm bored. Oh, I love your neighborhood. There's a great gym right around the corner from your building. That's my gym. I can tell you work out. A paleontologist who works out, you're like Indiana Jones. I am like Indiana Jones. That's right. Still no baby. Come on, people. Please, let me make some room. Uh, sweetie, maybe you'd be more comfortable here. You. Like you haven't done enough. Look, I know how miserable you are. I wish there was something I can do. I wish I were a seahorse. Because with seahorses, it's the male, they carry the babies. And then also, I'd be far away in the sea. I have never been so uncomfortable in my entire life. Oh, I know. I've been there. I remember toward the end. Oh, Phoebe, that's a great story. Could you tell it to me while you're getting me some iced tea? Oh, God, get out! Get out, get out, get out! Let's look. Whoops. Oh, I seem to have dropped my fork. Let me just bend over and get it. Okay, enough. This is not going to happen. Oh, come on, Roz. I'm miserable here. Come on, you started this. Now you finish it. Come on, wuss. Make love to me. You know what? What? Forget it. Oh, wow, what now, Roz? You're not going to talk? How on earth will you ever annoy me? Oh, wait a minute. I know. I mean, you'd think the damn jalapeno would have cleared up your sinuses, but no, that's not enough. What are you doing? I'm getting that baby out of you. Oh, God. Oh, I know. Oh, no, no, no. I think my water just broke. I am good. Okay, okay. I got the pillow. I got the bag. You got the keys? I got the keys. Okay. Come on, come on. Okay. Hey. Yeah? We're having a baby. I didn't really have time to read this part of the books, but do you think we have time? Not so much. All right. Yes. From home to the hospital in under seven minutes. We did it. Yes, the hard part is truly over. No, but come on. We're off to a great start, aren't we? I knew I'd get you here fast, but this has got to be some kind of a record. Oh, you made it. How are you doing? How the hell did you beat us here? We took a cab. Did you guys walk? No. No, we took a cab, too, but I did test runs. Hi. Hey, you made it. Okay, is there some kind of magic tunnel to this hospital? Ross, you stay here and talk. I'm going to go have a baby. Okay, okay. Um, hi. This is Rachel Green. I'm Ross Geller. We called from the car. Right. We have a semi-private labor room waiting for you. Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm sorry. Semi-private? We asked for a private room. Yes, I see that here. Unfortunately, we can't guarantee a private room, and currently they're all unavailable. Man, if only you'd gotten here sooner. I'm sorry. Semi-private rooms are all we have. Okay, uh, just give us a second. Ross? Yeah? Give her some money. I really think they're out of room. They're not, Ross! They're just saving them for the important people, okay? What if I was the president? Well, then we'd be in a lot of trouble. You don't know where any countries are. Okay. Say, would you, um, would you mind checking again, see if any, uh, private rooms may have opened up? This is a hospital. Okay. You know what? I have to say, I don't really care for your tone, and this is not the only hospital in the city, and we have no problems. Whoa. Oh, gosh. Whoa. What? What? Oh, ow. Contraction. Ow. Ow. Ow. Oof. Oof. Ow. Would you like to see a semi-private room? Yeah, it couldn't hurt to look. This room's available. Okay, okay, wait. You listen to me. Since I have been waiting, four women, that's four, one higher than the number of centimeters that I am dilated, have come and gone with their babies. I'm next. It's my turn. It's only fair. And if you bring in one more woman and she has her baby before me, I'm going to sue you. Not this hospital. I'm gonna sue you. And my husband, he is a lawyer. Oh, right. You get back on that case, honey. I don't think the next patient is very far along. Okay, well then bring her in. My can't believe this. And yet, somehow, it's true. I mean, this is so great. We're gonna be baby buddies. Squeeze your legs together and cover the baby's ears. Hi, sweetie. Hi. Hi, sweetheart. This is my husband, Sid. I don't think you've met him. Ross, Rachel, this is Sid. I nabbed him a year ago at the dermatologist's office. Thank God for adult acne, huh? I still can't believe it. I'm the luckiest guy in the world. Really? What'd he say? You know what? You have to speak very loudly when you're talking to Sid because he's almost completely deaf. Oh, there you go. Here we go. She's upside down, but she's coming. She's coming. Oh, God. Oh, my God. She's here. She's perfect. She's so tiny. Where'd she go? They're just wrapping her up. Okay. We'll be careful with her. She's really tiny. Here she is. Hi, you. Thanks for coming out of me. I know. Oh, she's looking at me. Hi. I know you. Do we have a name yet? No, not yet. That's fine. For now, we'll just call her Baby Girl Green. Oh, no. Baby Girl Killer Green. Hello, baby girl.