16 British Slang Insults (WITHOUT swearing!)

Be honest with me. Have you ever felt the urge to insult someone but didn't want to cross the line and swear? See this is something that British people are really good at. Sometimes our polite insults are more cutting and more vicious than our rude insults with swear words. In British English we say swear words. In North American English they say curse words. Today I am going to teach you 16 classic British insults that do not include swear words. So you can use them with anyone at your discretion. To help you even further I have created a gorgeous PDF that you can download for free. It contains the 16 British insults but I've added one extra thing. Well 16 extra things. I've added 16 very British compliments and flirtatious phrases. Download this for free if you want to find out if a British person is insulting you or actually trying to flirt with you. The link is in the description box or you can scan that QR code there. Now the funniest thing about the phrases I'm going to teach you in this lesson is that we most often use them with our friends and loved ones. We love to make fun of each other and we do it with a straight face. It's called banter. Use these carefully. Not everyone will take them in the right way unless that's the intended effect. Okay number one. This is plonker. This is a classic for when you think someone is being a bit stupid. It all depends on tone of voice. Many of these do. You can use it in a joking kind of affectionate way. You plonker. Or in a really insulting way. What a plonker. You absolute plonker. An example. He left his phone on the table. What a plonker. Or don't be a plonker. Come out with us. Okay next up we have muppet. Just like the famous muppets. Kermit, Miss Piggy etc. But are you calling someone a green frog or an amorous pig here? Nope. It's very similar to plonker. It means a little bit of an idiot. A bit stupid. Come on you muppet. Make a decision. Or you're being a total muppet. Number three. I love this one. It's wally. And we use this when someone is being foolish. But it's often used in an affectionate way. You left your keys behind you wally. Or what a wally. He has no clue. Note that when we're being playful with these insults we might not say you wally. But ya wally. Ya. With the schwa sound in the weak form. This can soften the tone. Number four. We have mug. Yeah just like what we like to drink tea or coffee out of. If you call someone a mug you imply that someone is easily tricked by other people. Take care with this one. It's not as playful as plonker or muppet and can cause more offence. An example. You're a mug. Can't you see she's lying? We can also use it to defend ourselves in an argument when we think someone is lying. Don't lie to me. I'm not a mug. This means I'm not going to let you deceive me. Number five is one that has emerged more in recent years. It's basic. And it's not a very nice thing to say about someone. This term is used for someone who mindlessly follows trends in order to be more popular or to be cool. But perhaps lacks their own style and originality. An example. I'm so basic. I just wear what I see celebrities wear. Okay let's have a more harmless one for number six. Doughnut. Or with emphasis doughnut. This was famously used as an insult by Gordon Ramsay on TV. In some contexts it could be a sweet treat often with a hole. But in others it can be negative. If someone is a doughnut they are stupid or incompetent. For example. That's not beef wellington you doughnut. Or of course I finished the dishes you doughnut. Notice my glottal stop at the end there. Doughnut. Doughnut. Next up we have the phrase to lose the plot. If we tell someone that we think they've lost the plot. We think that they're unable to handle the situation. Or they're acting in a weird manner. They've gone mad. What do you mean you've quit your job? You've lost the plot. You are mad. At number eight we have melt. This is used as a noun when someone is being overly emotional. Or when they don't have the courage to do something. It kind of means they're a wimp. For example. Don't be a melt. Just tell him how you feel. Or do you seriously cry at You melt. Also who doesn't cry at the moment when Dobby. You know. I won't say anymore. Number nine we have silly billy. Now this is quite a juvenile phrase. You wouldn't get much respect using it in a real argument. But we might say this jokingly to someone or to younger children. You silly billy. Come here and play nicely with your brother. After that we have weapon. This is an interesting one as it can have totally different meanings. As an insult. A weapon is someone who's an idiot. A buffoon. What a weapon. He can't do anything right. On the other hand some people use weapon as a compliment to refer to someone who is very skilled. This is popular in Australian slang also. What a weapon. She aced that presentation. It all depends on tone of voice. Next we have buffoon. I love this. It's so fun to say. This means someone is obviously stupid but a bit of a clown. It's so perfectly insulting. I can't take her seriously. She's such a buffoon. This next one is amazing. It's a phrase. It's to be as useful as a chocolate teapot. Think about it. You wouldn't have a lot of luck trying to get a good cup of tea if you used a teapot made of chocolate. When someone is being very unhelpful or isn't able to complete a task competently we say they're about as useful as a chocolate teapot. We can't trust Priscilla with the new client. She's as useful as a chocolate teapot. I've also heard people say as useful as a chocolate fire guard. Number 13 we have not the sharpest tool in the shed. This is used when we think someone is not the most intelligent. This one really is quite insulting. An example. Did you forget to use oven gloves? You're not the sharpest tool in the shed are you? Another phrase to insult someone's intelligence is to be as thick as two short planks. An example. The robber was as thick as two short planks. He broke in through my window even though my back door was open. And this one is one of my favourites and so inexplicably British. We have you absolute blank. What I love about it is how we can use it. We can often add a noun like plonker but really you could pretty much put anything in there as long as you use the right tone of voice. You absolute light bulb. You absolute lemon. You absolute loaf of bread. Honestly here's a challenge. In the comments please see if you can find a noun that doesn't work. You absolute doorknob. You absolute pillow. You absolute you absolute phone charger. Okay yeah maybe phone charger doesn't work that well. Sometimes we don't even finish the phrase by saying you absolute. The listener can infer from your tone of voice what you mean. And finally we have you massive. This is very similar to you absolute. You can use it with pretty much anything. You massive doughnut. You massive oven. It basically intensifies the noun we use. We also use you total in the same way. You total plonker. You total buffoon. Now let's do a quiz before we finish. Number one. Put these words in order from least insulting to most insulting. We have idiot, plonker, silly billy. What did you think? Silly billy at the bottom. Idiot at the top. That's really quite insulting if you call someone an idiot. Silly billy is nice and juvenile. Plonker depends on tone of voice. Idiot is really quite rude. Number two. A person who easily believes people when they're lying can be called a what. It's a mug. Don't be a mug. Now number three. Someone who isn't making sensible choices might be accused of losing the what. The plot. You've lost the plot. You are losing your mind. And four. If someone is useless or very unhelpful they are as useful as a what. Chocolate teapot. All right. How did you do out of four? Let me know in the comments. And don't forget that I've got my amazing PDF for you here. It's got everything we covered today. Plus it has 16 compliments and flirtatious phrases that Brits might use for you. Could be useful for your next trip here. I will see you in the next lesson.