My Husband Can't Be Left Alone | Anjelah Johnson

Oh, got some Puerto Ricans in San Jose? Shoot, since when? Thank you for coming. That was a long trek. People who are not Latinos sometimes think that all Latinos are the same, right? But we're very different. And you don't realize how different Mexicans are from Puerto Ricans until you sign up to marry one. Very different. Even the little things, right? I'm Mexican. I like spicy food. I eat salsa with everything. You know what I'm saying? If you don't got salsa for your food, probably don't even eat it. You know what I'm saying? Just get a smoothie. Serious. You go to your friend's house for dinner and you're like, I ain't got no salsa. I'll be back. I'm gonna go jump a juice real quick. And my husband, he's Puerto Rican. He can't do spicy food. Like, if you sprinkle a little bit of pepper in his food, he's gonna flip out. Babe, is this spicy? You put spice in this? You put your Mexican stuff in this? Like, it's pepper. You can't handle pepper. My family calls me mija. His family calls me mami. Little differences. The Spanish is so different. The way Mexicans speak Spanish, the way Puerto Ricans speak Spanish, it's very different. I live in LA now, so that's like northern Mexico. So that's the only kind of Spanish that I hear, right? And then Puerto Ricans, y'all are from Florida, I think. So when I first flew to Florida to meet his mom, she started speaking to me in Spanish. And I was like, oh, sorry, I don't speak Puerto Rican. Yeah, I don't know what that means. Like, it just sounds different. Like, to me, when I hear Puerto Ricans speak Spanish, it sounds like they have water in their mouth. And they don't want it to spill. You know what I mean? It just sounds different. I mean, I'm not really one to be talking because I don't even speak Spanish, so... My last name is Johnson. What do you want me to do? My husband and I decided we didn't want any kids, right? We're like, no, no kids. I know it's very un-Mexican of me. And I take it over the top, too. Like, if I see a pregnant girl walking towards me, I'm like, oh, no, no, no, no, no. Like, I don't want her pregnant vibes to jump on me. If one sneaks past me and I missed her and I catch her at the last second, I'll hold my breath like, oh! Close one! No, thank you. We got enough nieces, nephews, cousins, godkids. I got a lot of godkids. I don't know if it's a Mexican thing to double up on your godkids. I got a lot. I got goddogs. I got two goddogs. One's Maltese Poodle, one's Maltese Shih Tzu. I have two goddaughters. They're half Italian, half Filipino. I have a godson. He's half Puerto Rican, half Filipino. So, basically, if you want to be one of my godkids, you got to be either Maltese or Filipino. Yeah, that's how you make my team. Where the Filipinos at? Filipinos? Yeah, Filipino! Thank you for coming. I think I gravitate towards Filipinos because we're very similar. Mexicans and Filipinos are very similar. We have big families. Y'all have big families. We live at the same house. Y'all live at the same house. Very similar. One of my good friends, she's Filipino. One day, her grandma was driving. She probably shouldn't have been, but she was. You may think you know where I'm going with a joke, but you don't, so just wait for it. Her little Filipino grandma, she's driving. All of a sudden, she hit a dog. I know. It was really sad. But her response to that was, Oy, study dog. So, at least she apologized. And now, I just use that in everyday life. Like, if I trip over something, I'm like, Oy, study dog. Oy, aya, oy. I feel like all my Filipino friends are real jumpy. Like, they get scared real easily. Like my friend Penny, she's Filipino. She gets scared of everything. You don't have to do anything scary. Just walk around the corner unannounced. Ay, putas mo! You scare me, huh? Oy, aya, hey. Filipinos go through like 10 different scared facial expressions. Oy, aya, hey, yeah. One time, I was at the mall, at like, Orange Julius or something, and there was a little Filipino lady working the register, right? And she went to hand me my receipt, but it dropped, so she goes, Ay, aya. Just a receipt. I got it. Yeah, so we don't want no kids. And my husband and I, we're still real new, right? Like, we just got married last summer. We had just moved in together, so we're still, like, figuring each other out, right? Like, our little things we do, our little rules we have, right? Like, for instance, like, my toothbrush, right? I like to be the only one that uses my toothbrush. This guy, I don't know how he grew up. Like, maybe they're on a budget or something. But, like, he comes to me the other day, he's like, Ay, babe, can I use your toothbrush real quick? I said, What? Like, that's an option for you? Like, you're thinking about it? Sick. He's like, What? It's just like kissing. We kiss, it's the same thing. I do not scrape off your tartar with my tongue. I mean, I know I'm pretty amazing. But I'm almost positive I cannot prevent cavities. My husband likes to leave his shoes right in the middle of a walkway. Like, as soon as you open the door, boom, shoes. Now, you couldn't kick them off to the side? That was hard to do. So all throughout the house, I just trip over shoes like, Oy, study dog. And we're still real new, so, like, I still try to look cute when I sleep. I'll probably grow out of that one real quick. But right now, I still try to look cute, right? But it's kind of hard because I sleep with Invisalign trays in my mouth. So sometimes when I wake up, my lip will get stuck to the plastic tray. I wake up looking like Fire Marshal Bill. Like, full on, let me show you something. My face will be all greasy. That's not cute. So when I feel myself starting to wake up, like, I'll fix my lip real quick. I put grease on my lip like it's gloss. Make it work. And we're pretty good with decision-making, right? Like, he'll come to me with stuff. I'll come to him with stuff. Like, teamwork, you know? But every now and then, he'll try to go off and do his own thing. Like, recently, we just bought some curtains for the house, and I told him, I said, when you're at the store, take a picture of him and send it to me before you buy it, right? But he forgot that part. So I came home to these gaudy Armenian curtains hanging at my house that are, like, two feet too short. I got high-water curtains. Like, first thing, my brother came over the house, he's like, uh, why you got capri-pant curtains?