Matt Rife Meets A WILD Couple At His Show

Who you texting right now? You scheduling some dick? What are you doing? What's the mood? You were just looking? That's worse. Who you texting right now? You were just looking at who's text? I saw the blue bubbles on there. Who was it? Who's more important than me right now? I want to know Who's number one in your life right now? Who is it? You were just looking at what? It better be pictures of me. It better be my Instagram. Show me, if it was me. And bitch, don't you scroll to another app. I swear to God, if you open another app You want to be real? Be present. What is your name? Lana You're saying exactly what I'm saying. Lana Did I not just ******* say that? Spell it. L-O-R-N-A-N L-O-R, not even a real name. I see why you mispronounced it. Lorna? What's your last name? The Rings? Lorna The Rings? Whatever, dude. ------- nerds. Whatever. You drove 200 miles for me? To sit on your phone? Were you checking directions for the drive back? Is that what it was? That was just four vowels in a row. Bro, British people just say **** consonants, dude. Look at me and my B-O-O-O-O-O Who the **** are you people, dude? Say letters. You just dip on half the words sometimes. What do you do? I'm a buyer. You're a buyer? We're all buyers. I can't even say it because... You won't even say it? Why? Is it people? Like, what is it? How bad could it possibly be? She just said something that was so not a word. Aluminium? Aluminum! Avada Kedavra! You're all dead. You're all so dead, dude. Oh, **** y'all, man. That's not a word. Aluminium? Where are all the extra letters coming from? You're doing too much. All the aluminium. No, **** that, guys. You're wrong. I'm thinking of the spelling of it in my head. There's no I after the M. I'm not gonna do this right now. You're not gonna make me look stupid. Aluminium. **** you guys, dude. You get one word right and you think you're ******* hot ----. Ma'am, how old are you? 65. What is your name? Roxanne. Oh, ----. Yo, can we get a paramedic real quick? Paramedic, please. Yeah, yeah. You okay? Oh, she's gonna cry. You alright? You feeling okay? You promise? Yeah, of course. Just don't use it for the obituary. My God. Careful, careful. I'm down. No, you're not. Yeah, one more. I'm gonna reiterate all this. Don't worry. I can't do cheek. I'm gonna do top of the head. Let me help you down. There you go. You're okay to stay? Of course. You okay to stay? You promise? She's like, we're not leaving. She will kill us and we leave. Okay, just take it easy. Try not to have a good time, alright? I'm gonna do a re-intro to get everybody back in their seats. Let's go into it. Alright. Everybody wants to come back in. We can turn these lights back down. Can we get a round of applause for the paramedics one time? Man. All that for a picture. You ******* fakers. Oh my god. Did anybody think the first person to die tonight wasn't gonna be Roxanne? You poor thing. Oh my god. I'm glad you stayed. I'm glad you're okay. Do you have epilepsy? Is that what it is? You had it your whole life? Do you know what triggers the epilepsy? Sometimes stress. Sometimes really hot guys. Shut up. You think you're shaking now. Alrighty. I think everyone's back from taking a ----. Which is very funny, by the way. For an emergency to be happening and people were like, I'm gonna go now. Who did you come with tonight? A couple of girlfriends? Hi mom. It's your 50th birthday? Shut up. Happy birthday. This was almost the worst birthday ever. I'm glad you came out with your mom for her birthday. Way to make it all about you. If you have another one on the show, the next picture we take will be a selfie. And you have to be like, wow, did you take a picture with Michael J. Fox? I don't know, man. What am I supposed to go back into material and be like, man, crystals are crazy. If you had Rose Quartz, maybe this wouldn't have happened. Oh, you're married. When I took a picture with her and I kissed her on the head, she goes, will you do one more for my husband? My shirt says that you're my hall pass. Your shirt says that I'm your hall pass? Number two. She goes, I told my husband this is the closest I'll ever get to one of my hall passes. I'm number two. Who the ****'s number one? She goes, I asked, what does your husband think about me being your hall pass and you being this close? She goes, oh, I say it all the time. Oh, he's so hot. My husband will be like, fine, go **** Matt Rifton. She'll go, but babe, I'm like a four and he's like a ten, so it could never happen. Babe, that is not true. You are a 9-1-1. Not to be trusted. Imagine making her comment that. Oh my God. Whatever, you do this for anybody. Are you religious at all? No? You should start. Because God just went... I'd turn your ass into a martini, dog. Oh, did Alex mention his sticker? I found this ---- on the grounds. You can find it right next to her. For you, babe. You can sleep in it. At any time of the day, apparently. Hello? There you go. Thank you for letting me do these jokes. You're so sweet. How far along are you? Seven months. Oh my God, it's almost here. It ******* hurts, right? If you could compare a guy having to go through it, what do you think we would have to go through to experience something like that? Anal? Doesn't sound that bad. I think it's a lot worse than anal. I would imagine. That's a different pain. I mean, you've taken a big ---- before. That's basically anal. You know what I mean? Every dude in here has taken a ---- so big that you're like, I could be gay. This was light work. Nothing wrong. No. Mila and? Umberto. Umberto? Sure. What about you, Urberto? What do you do? I'm a deputy sheriff. You're a sheriff? For real? I didn't mean anything I said. It's a cool name. You've never shot anybody? You've shot in somebody. Does that scare you about him having to have a job like that? It's so dangerous. It's beautiful. You're making me scared. Jesus Christ. Especially in the dark. I can't even fight you back there. Jesus Christ. See what I mean? Don't say it, be it. What? You ain't a black, but act like one. Cops. I'll tell you the same. I was given a script. I just played the part. Okay. I want to thank the academy. Bro? You scared the ---- out of me, dog. Bro, I'm not Chris Rock though. I'll kick you in your chest, bro. I swear to God. Are you dapping me or you want the hoodie or my wallet? What do you want? Careful, dog. Do y'all watch Criminal Minds? One handsome ************ at a time, dog. Did you have some fun? I ain't got jokes like this ************ right here. I'm Jamar Moore. I got here. I've been watching him on YouTube. I'm meeting him for the first time tonight. I'm seeing him live in person. Like a lot of us, I'm sure. For the first time. Me and my girl, my baby mama. And my girl comes to me and she's like, Jamar, you're the sexiest ************ in the world. You're the father of my daughter, but I want to **** Matt Wright. Check this out. We ain't gonna meet the ************, but you ain't gonna **** him. I'm here because I like seeing motherfuckers win. I like seeing motherfuckers win. And this young white boy who wants to say niggas so bad can't say it because it'll get canceled. But when he comes to my house I'm gonna say, get it out of your system. The reason I'm here is because I've never met this man. I just watched him on YouTube. And I was like, yo, this ************'s funny. And he's pretty. And no, pretty people ain't supposed to be funny. Kevin Hart is not pretty. And he's funny. Chris Parker, ************, damn! Dave Chappelle is rich as ****. He's not pretty. I'm pretty, goddamn it. I was. I'm getting a little older. Got pink shoes on. This ************ is pretty, but he's honest, he's real, and he's funny. And I DM'd him like a bitch. And he DM'd me back like a bitch. So now we got a romance going on. And I'll pay you like a bitch. But he did give me the tickets for free. I'm gonna be off the stage, but I just want to say, I believe that this dude is on his way. He sells out every show. And whatever is in his heart, all his jokes and all that stuff. And I want to see this ************ in front of a bunch of niggas. I think he can handle himself. But my point is, let's applaud the bravery, the boldness, the unapologetic heart. Appreciate you, man. Thank you, brother. Thank you, man. Thank you, brother. He's stealing. Go stairs this way. Yeah, be careful. One more time for Taye Diggs. You have any other tattoos? I got a few, yeah. What's your favorite one? Probably... Take your time. I'm gonna go with the Spotify one. Spotify. Yeah, you got your phone on you? Or you got the phone? You got Spotify. Is it a QR code? It is. What? No way. Okay, so you scan it over it. Oh, it's over a sound wave. Here we go. That is ******* awesome. That is one of the better tattoos I've ever seen. Man. The only thing that could be better than that is if you had a swastika on the other arm. Because here's the thing. We all love him, but we'd be so conflicted, wouldn't we? If he was a Nazi this whole time... You don't have any hair. I'm not making a ball joke. I'm making a Nazi joke. Bro, what a dilemma we would have. Man, if he hated black people but loved NSYNC, you guys wouldn't know what to do. Are you single? About to be. About to be? You getting divorced? Nice, man. Does she like the tattoo? No. She doesn't like it? I hope this bitch dies. I hope you get the house. I hope you get the dog. Do you have kids? Step kids are all mine. I hope she has to keep those kids. Man. This is just your boy, Blake? What's your name, dog? Joshua. Pleasure to meet you. You got some ink too, man. What's your favorite one? My favorite song or tattoo? No, I'm sorry. Favorite tattoo? Thundercats. You're what? Thundercats. You got Thundercats on your leg? Yes. That is awesome and super lame at the same time. You got it right down the middle too. That was supposed to be Transformers. You were going to get Transformers on the other side? Man. I feel like me talking about pussy earlier is as close as you've gotten, man. Thundercats and Transformers? Bro, how much money Blake, real talk. How much money to get you to tattoo the sound bite of this vicious laugh Talk to me for real. I'm in sales. I want to know what's on the table here. What are we offering? You're in sales. You want to know what I'm offering you? I'll show your friend what titties look like. Be a good friend, dog. How much money to kill her? Talk to me for real. Hear me out. Two titties. Half hour? You think he's going to last half an hour? Man, that'd be rude as ****. You buy your friend a prostitute for the hour and two minutes in he comes out and he's like, alright. I'd be so ******* mad. You get in there and you learn that young woman's life. You ever seen Thundercats?