The New Wave Of Standup ｜ Rebecca Reeds)

The moment I realized I wanted to get into comedy was when I tried improv and I was terrible at it and I thought stand-up maybe, maybe a solo sport, you know. So actually, I didn't play a ton of sports. I think my favorite thing I ever did was I, in university, I coached a rec league hockey tournament and I would show up with a full suit, hair slicked back, and I don't know anything about coaching, so I would just yell at the other players and try to make them cry, which sometimes I was successful at and I think I'd make a great coach. I hope people get out of tonight a good time, you know, just lost for life. Get out there. That's it. I gotta warn you off the top, I've got a bit of a different energy to me. I'm not a delicate lady. I wish I was. I've been told I have volleyball coach energy, which is not a compliment, I think, but my team wins. Okay, my team always wins. Thank you very much. Thank you. Yeah, this is true. I had a man do an impression of me recently and he lowered his voice, so it's going super good for me. Yeah, it's crazy. All my guy friends call me by my last name. We've all seen one of these women, right? That's why, that's all my guy friends. They're always like, yo Reese, yo Reese, which like loosely translates to, uh, I never want to have sex with you, which is, it's nice, man. It's good, yeah. Went on a first date with a guy. This is how he started the date. He looked at me and he said, no offense, right? Not a good start. It's not going to go good after that, right? This guy looks at me, he goes, uh, no offense, but uh, has anybody ever told you you look like a librarian that built the shelves? I kind of do, dude. Right? Get yourself a woman that can do both, right? It's awesome, man. I don't know what it is. I honestly, I think it's because I'm a comic. Men just think they can say whatever they want to me. It's hilarious, right? Like this guy, one time I was hooking up with this one guy and he was giving me a massage, right? And he was just, he was just faffing about back there. He's just fishing me. He's doing nothing, right? He was, okay? And I said to him, I was like, hey man, I have a very high pain tolerance. You can dig in, right? Dig into it, right? And this is what he said to me. He said, uh, you have a really flat back. I was like, I didn't mean emotionally, bro. What are you, it's not a compliment. Yeah. Just put a four course on this bad boy. Let's go. I can't even imagine. And then he doubled down. He was like, yeah, you got huge shoulders too. Like just full of compliments tonight. That was actually factual though. That is factual. It's a pretty broad babies on me. Any other embrace, right? Any other broad broads here? Amazing. Two of us, the rest of us can just buy a jacket in Vancouver. I guess that's awesome. Good for you. It's crazy out there. Okay. This is what I do. Okay. Hot tip for the team. All right. This is what I do. I swear to God, I do this. Uh, I buy vintage clothing, cut the shoulder pads out. Fits perfect. Okay. I swear to God. I do that every time, right? I know everybody believes they should have been born in a different decade, but I'm like, man, what I've smashed in the eighties. Oh yeah. Wouldn't I have smashed. Right? Think about this critically. Okay. Just for one second. Join me. Okay. Can you imagine being a man taking me home, taking my top off and realizing my shoulders are real. Okay. Shut it down. Look at these big naturals, right? Prepare to fall in love, sir. Prepare yourself. It's okay. I've been to therapy. I've gone to therapy. My friend gives me, it tells me the most unhinged thing I've ever heard in my entire life about therapy. Okay. My friend says this to me. She's like, Oh my God, Rebecca, I just like, I can't hold down a therapist. I was like, what does that mean? And she was like, well, you just keep quitting on me, Rebecca. And do you want to know why they keep quitting on me? Cause when I go in there, I say nothing. That's right. I sit there in silence. Cause if they were good at their job, like if they were like really good at it, they'd be able to pull it out of me. Yeah. And I was like, that sounds like something you should mention to your therapist. That's like, that is absolutely a symptom of something for sure. Right? Also, I'm sorry. Can we all agree? That's a tremendous waste of money. Oh my God. That's the biggest waste of money I've ever heard of in my life. Okay. I don't know if you had noticed. It is like at least $150 an hour to go to therapy at that point. Give it up. Okay. Let it happen to you. Okay. We're all adults here. Can you imagine showing up to a massage and being like, catch me? Why did you book this? So confusing, man. Honestly, I think some of the best therapy is just hanging out with yourself. You know what I mean? Just being with yourself. I highly, some people disagree. I love that. I, uh, here's what I recommend. I highly recommend this. My favorite thing to do. Okay. I love taking myself out on a date. You know what I mean? Just a little solo mesh. Yeah, that's right. Okay. And I always take me to a date spot. You know what I mean? Something good. And I had one time, this is true. It was a Tuesday afternoon and I had a coupon for a little laser tag. Yeah. And I was like, that sounds good. Right. I love that. Lasers love that. Right. I'm going to ask you all this question. Uh, who thinks that's an activity for a singular woman? Not a, not a single person applauded. Do you know that it's an insane thing to do by yourself? Right. I showed up and I think like the team behind the counter was very surprised to see me. Okay. I think he thought I was the health inspector or something. I swear to God, I arrived and this guy goes, uh, hello, can I help you? And I was like, I'm here for a little tag. My band. Pew, pew. Holstered ready to go. He was like, um, okay. And he starts shuffling papers. He's like, okay. Um, you know what? Actually we got a game going in the next like 30 seconds. If I get you in right now, we can get you in. And I was like, okay, that's great. And he goes, well, what do you want your name to be? Okay. And I wasn't ready for a question. Okay. Do you ever feel like that? You ever seen those videos where people are like in the streets and somebody's like, name a woman. You're like George Washington. I don't know. I panicked. Okay. I panicked. I can't, I can't answer questions under pressure. So I just told this guy, I was like, I don't care. And he goes, are you sure? I was like, yeah, I don't care. Just put in whatever you want. And he goes, okay. And he hands me the vest and the gun. And I don't know what it is about putting on a vest, but it fundamentally changed me as a person. Have you guys put a vest on lately? Oh my gosh. All I wanted to do was shoot a person. Jesus. We have to take those off the police. Okay. We have to. Okay. Thank you. Sleeves for everyone. Sleeves. Okay. It was insane. I was possessed. Okay. I got so into it. I sniped at anybody that moves. Okay. I was so excited. Okay. At one point I was so excited. I sniped a three-year-old girl. I had to do this. Yeah. And her dad was behind her and he just looked at me and he went, come on. Oh no. I don't know if you guys know this. It doesn't matter who's dad it comes from. The disappointment feels the same. It's very cutting. It felt terrible. It felt terrible. Okay. Now luckily, oh my God. Luckily the game wrapped up pretty quickly after that. Okay. And I was standing out in the lobby and I didn't realize this because again, I never, I had never played this game before. I didn't know. Okay. I was in the lobby and that's when I realized that they have a little award ceremony at the end. Right. A little announcement for who won. Um, that was also when I realized that I was the only adult playing that game. Yeah. So I'm pretty sure I won. And I'm sitting at the back of this room and I'm like, do I accept my award? And I was like, you know what? You did the crime. You're going to do the dark. Okay. Maybe these parents will find this funny. So these were not their names, but these were absolutely their scores. Okay. So the same guy from the front, he's like, okay. So in third place, we got Billy small child with 300 points. Give up for Billy. In second place, we got Becky with the pigtails, 500 points. Hell yeah. Good job. And in first place with 12,000 points, could I get up here? I don't care. I don't care. Yeah. Cause that's what I told him. I wanted my name to be. So not only did I just kick the living out of every kid here, I told their parents, I don't care about it. That's right. That's a Tuesday afternoon for Rebecca reads. Yeah. That's when I saw the balloons with the birthday cake and I got the hell out of there. Anyway, you guys have been lovely. Thank you so much. I felt amazing. It was so great. I had a great time. The crowd was super hot. I feel amazing. Nobody threw anything at me. Nobody yelled anything at me. They were polite. Everybody was great and everyone was smiling. It was perfect.