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A woman seeks advice regarding her 45-year-old brother, who has lived with and been supported by their aging parents since the pandemic. She struggles with the moral dilemma of whether she will be responsible for him once their parents pass away, fearing he may become homeless despite being able-bodied and having no history of drug abuse.
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I have retired parents in their late 70s. My brother who's 45 moved in with them at the
beginning of the pandemic and hasn't left since. My parents are supporting him and,
you know, they're getting older, they're starting to have health issues, and I do not want to be
responsible for him after they're gone, but I'm having a hard time reconciling the, I guess,
moral obligation versus practical obligation. Why would you be responsible for the brother?
Is there something wrong that he's requiring support? No, other than he just has never
worked. It's one of those things where I'm afraid if no one takes care of him or supports him,
he'll end up homeless and, you know, bad things happen when you're homeless.
Is he on drugs? He's not. It would be an easier conversation if he was.
So I guess my question is, why are you drawing the conclusion that he's totally helpless
and will end up on the streets? If he's 40, able-bodied, healthy, that would then just be
his personal choice then, wouldn't it? You're absolutely right, and it is absolutely his choice.
It's the, you know, tug of, he's really my only family once my parents are gone.
And do you really think that rather than, let's just play this out for a second.
Let's, I mean, unfortunately, let's pretend your parents, they're beamed up, they move on.
Let's pretend you've put your foot down and said, you know what, you know, you can't move in with
me, Bobby. And do you really think Bobby will end up, do you truly in your heart of hearts
think that he will say, okay, tonight I'm sleeping in a box? Just about. The reason he moved in with
my parents is because he was sleeping in his car and my dad didn't want that for him. And
you're sure there's nothing else going on with him? I am sure. There may be some mental health
issues there that have never been diagnosed. Okay. That's helpful to know. Yeah. This is tough
because of what you just said there. And it feels like you've got to get a little bit more plugged
in on this, right? Like, I think you have to get hands on and find out to the best of your ability
what is going on with him. In other words, if he's just a slacker, for lack of a better word,
my response is different. If there's some legitimate, oh, I gotta be careful how I say
this. Like if there's some legitimate medical diagnosis that put him in a position where he
literally cannot take care of himself, that's a wholly different conversation. And it doesn't
sound like you know. You know, when I, I would suspect, and again, he's never been tested,
but my suspicion is that he's somewhere on the autism spectrum. I am as well, but I know that
there are very intelligent and successful people on the spectrum who, you know, still take care of
themselves. And I don't know why it is that he has taken this route. He, he made comments years ago
to my husband when we were dating, this was years ago, that, you know, he didn't think he had to
work that much because someday my parents would die and he would inherit, but my parents aren't
that type of inheritance, you know, if that makes sense. So his concept and relationship with money
is completely unrealistic. Well, I, I'm going to go back to what I said a minute ago. I don't know
that I can give great advice because I don't know much at all about what's going on because you
don't know. So I think you've been detached. So I do think that this is the right time for you
to dig in and become completely aware of what's going on. So, you know, you have to assess the
situation at which point that allows you to make a good decision. I think you're a good person and
I think you have common sense, but I mean, you know, are you the only sibling you are? Okay.
Yeah, that's a big, heavy weight there. So I would want to know what's really going on. I would want
to talk to him, by the way, I'd get, so I would get, I do two things. I'd sit down with the parents
and have your parents tell you what's going on and ask them what their expectations are. Not because
you feel you have to do what they say, but I would just want to read the room and I'd want to know
what mom and dad said. I'd want to be looking for, are they making excuses for him? I think you'll
pick up on that pretty quickly. Have they enabled him? Okay. I'd want to know that. Then I'd want to
sit with brother and get his take and go, what's your plan? If mom and dad are gone, like, let's
have these conversations so that, and let's do it in a way that tries to get everything out on the
table, Jade. Like let's get all the pieces of the game board out. I'd push for evaluation too.
I would, that's a great, that's a third thing. So there's a checklist of three things. At which
point you now have a lot more information than you do today. Yeah, yeah, absolutely.
And I think the challenge is, I mean, you're right. These are conversations that have to happen.
My family has always been pretty close to the vest. My mom's favorite thing was, you know,
we don't air our dirty laundry in public, so it's hard to kind of get them to come out of their shell.
But it is reaching the point where something's going to give and it's going to give disastrously
or we can be prepared for it. You're right. Yeah. I think Ken is spot on with that checklist of
three items. And then from there on, you can really evaluate your options. I don't know that there is
a world, because if he's getting evaluated, let's pretend it comes back and there is something
there. Yeah. I mean, I'm not going to try to get into it, but there's a lot of nuance in what you're
able to do and not do and accomplish and not accomplish and what sort of care you might need
or what type of therapies you might need. And so that opens a whole other world of possibilities
once you get this information. And I think today you're a detective. Right. So that you can decide
what's my role as a steward, you know. So the question becomes what happens? Let's fast forward
to because you called. What do you what do you think? Let's assume Jay kind of hit you on this,
but how would you react if they were again gone? What would you do today knowing what little you
know? Yeah, if it were to happen today, I'm afraid I would just shut down, to be honest,
with regards to that situation, because it has been so polarizing and emotional within our
family. My parents, I know, are frustrated with him living there, but every time they try,
they have tried to talk to him about it. He shut down and they don't really get any answers.
So it's really hard to navigate, but it's something you've got to give.
Okay. So what does shut down mean? Meaning that you act like it doesn't exist and he's
dead to you kind of a deal shut down or what? I guess shut down in terms of maybe just walking
away from the situation, just being overwhelmed, not knowing what to do, how to handle him when
he's been supported and enabled his whole life. Yeah. This is why, again, we got to go back to,
I think what you would have to do is not shut down, but hopefully you do this now. So if this
happens, you're ready. Is he in a situation where he would be a ward of the state or some type of...
It's going to probably pass through Medicaid. If they play their cards right,
yeah, there should be something there for him, which is so important to do those first steps.
Yeah. Okay. Well, that's what I wanted to know. So the reason I asked that question
is because I wanted to know where your head is and your heart.
And it sounds to me like your head and heart are aligned, that you don't think you should help him
and quite frankly, you don't want to, that still may not be an option, right? You may have to
on some level. And so I think that's why you're going to have to do this digging that we talked
about and then that'll help you kind of inform your plan. But gee whiz, I want you to have a
plan if it's anywhere close to have to. That's the goal. So I hope that helps. I'm so sorry
you're dealing with this. Oh, thank you. That's very helpful. Good. And here's the deal. Don't
do anything out of guilt. Do everything out of values. Big difference. Big difference.
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