When The Wives Invite Their Husbands On A Night Out _ Shaun Johnson Stand-Up Comedy

Even if the show's not funny, I already have your money in the bank. Guys, if you haven't figured it out, the couple dating thing, it's a total scam. It's a scam by the wives and I'll tell you why. So a few months ago, show up to this restaurant. There's four couples, eight people. We got a nice long table. We're the first to arrive. I take a middle seat. That's where I want to be. It gives me conversational options, okay? I can go left, right, middle. I'm not stuck in any one conversation. As people show up, small talk starts up. Everything seems all right, but then I notice the women. They're like making eye contact with each other from across the table. They're just like, they're communicating telepathically somehow. I was going to tell you a story from yesterday. You're so far away. You know what, Stephen, can you just switch with me? And then Sean and Michelle, will you just switch? And then in a seamless move, almost as if it was rehearsed, the women are on one side of the table and the men are on the other. And the women are about to enjoy an evening remarkably similar to the ones when we're not there at all. And I realized I'm not on a group date. I'm on a play date. And the moms are going to talk over here. And I'm supposed to play with the other boys, who I don't know. And I don't know. It's easy to just strike up friendships when you're a four-year-old. It's like, hey, you exist. You're here. Let's spend the day together. But when you're 40, I don't know. It's harder for me. And maybe it's me, because a thing about me, I'm not great at talking to men. And I know that's weird to hear me say, because I have so much in common with them physically. But I'm not great at guy talk, OK? That's how I should say it. Because guys, you know, we got this little list of subjects that are the go-tos. Number one, sports, right? Always. I'm not super into sports. Second, money. A lot of times, you know, things like that. I don't love either of those. But I'm like, OK, this is for my wife. She wants me to be here. I'm going to give it my best. But I'm waiting. I don't want to be first out the gate. Right out the gate is a money guy. Starts talking about all his investments. He's dabbling in crypto. He's doing very well for himself. He's very happy. I'm instantly bored. He's rambling on. And I just think, OK, maybe I can covertly, like, look at my food. And then move over to the women's side of the table. Because I'm in the middle. I can kind of transition over a little bit. So I start to do that. And over at the women's side of the table, totally different vibe. The women are all leaned in so intense. They look like they're plotting to rob the place in, like, 30 seconds. Like, what is going on? They're hyper-focused on Michelle. She's got their full attention. She's got a great seat for it. That's why I picked it. And then Michelle says, So she sent that text to Jessica by mistake. And Jessica freaks out. They all gasp. I'm gasping. I have no context. I don't even know. I'm like, oh my gosh. I don't even know what's happening. I just know it's so much better than money, guys. So I'm gonna have to, I'm mid-episode here. But I'm gonna have to figure out what's going on. So then she goes, And then, all the eyes turn toward me. They've realized I'm not playing with the other boys. They wait for my wife to handle the situation. She's like, what? What's going on? Go play. The food's coming soon. So I turn my attention back over here. Money guy's still going. Now he's talking about his properties. He's got all these little properties sprinkled about. He's like, yeah, I picked up a 10-acre plot the other day. I don't know when I'm gonna use it. I just thought I'd grab it. Talks about land like it's Advil. And then he said, I kid you not. He said, maybe I'll throw a couple townhomes up on it. Let them go ka-ching for a while. I'm sorry. Always try and get through that part without something coming up. I haven't been able to yet. Let it go ka-ching for a while. It's so gross. You know, that is a phrase you'll never hear in a woman conversation, right? You'll never just hear them like, yeah, Braxton's in soccer. He's loving it. And Kinsley's doing violin. We threw up a couple townhomes. We're gonna let them go ka-ching for a while. Sorry. I don't know where that came from. It's not gonna happen. Even you women right now are like, did he really say that? But the guys are like, no, I can see it. I know that guy. Or I am that guy. Someone's having a real introspective moment. Like, oh my gosh, they hate me. Sorry to be the one to tell you. Eventually, money guy ran out of steam and I was like, okay, what's up next? Probably sports. I'm not gonna have much to contribute there either. But I was surprised. There was a third kind of guy. It was a pain guy. You guys know about the pain guys? They love talking about how much pain they've experienced. Usually from their own stupid activities they keep putting themselves through. This guy's broke his collarbone like twice. Dislocated his knees. Cliff jumping. He's doing the squirrel suit thing, which to me is just like a death wish. Then he's even like, yeah, I was toasting a bagel the other week. Couldn't get it out of the toaster. Took a butter knife. Shock of my life, bro. I'm like, we gotta help him. You are not the hero of these stories, sir. I don't know if you realize that. And I could have one-upped him. I didn't. But I could have because, not trying to brag, I have passed three kidney stones. Right? Thank you. And what do they always say about kidney stones? It's as painful as childbirth, right? And I loved finding that out. Because as I said, I'm always trying to kind of be a part of the woman conversation, be one of them. But there was always that barrier. They're like, you'll never be one of us. You can't bear children. You'll never understand. But then I found that out about kidney stones and I was like, oh, well, ladies, I get it. I've been there. So that got me thinking about all my past kidney stones and you moms will be able to relate to this. I remember with my first one, I didn't want any meds. I just wanted to do it natural. I want to see what it felt like. I actually passed it in my tub at home. So it was a home birth. So that was special. I remember with my last one, the third one, it came out so quick and easy. Right, ladies? The last one was so... I know we're not supposed to have favorites, but my last one is my favorite. With the second one, I'm trying to... That was the middle one. I don't know if we have any pictures. I don't know. That one's kind of a blur for me. But the first one, right, ladies? That's special because that's the one that made me a kidney stone haver. So you never forget. I can share some fun news. I did have an ultrasound recently and they saw I am expecting another kidney stone. Thank you. I thought we were done. And that's the thing about kidney stones. You know, it could come in a week or it could come in 30 years. Like we don't even know. That's actually one way that being with child is a lot easier than being with stone. Because you ladies can plan for it, right? Like I don't even... When do I stone proof the house? I don't even know. Anyway, if you haven't had kidney stones yet, just wait. You'll see.