When You Still Rely On Your Parents To Buy You Underwear! _ Nick Hoff FULL SPECIAL

I never buy my own underwear. I never. I always depend on the parents to get me the 3-pack every year for Christmas. Ever since I graduated college, that's been my stocking stuffer, and I depend on it. I grew up in the Midwest, but I started comedy out in Los Angeles, and let me tell you this. Comedy isn't always peaches and cream out there, especially when you're just getting started. I remember one of the first shows I ever did, there was a homeless guy in the crowd with everybody. And the comics thought that was cool. They were like, yeah, come on in, dude. Fill out the room. But the comic on stage was just doing horribly. Awful, awful stuff. Not funny at all. And halfway into his set, the homeless guy just kind of stands up, looks around at everybody in there and goes, I have no place to go. But I am leaving. And the comic kept going. Really? I got thick skin, but if a homeless guy walks out, that might be a wrap. He'd rather be in the rain. You go home and rewrite. So I am happy to be here, you guys. I got a haircut for this. That's the highlight of my week, you guys. Let's go get a trim. How's it look? What'd you say? Subpar? So good. Oh, thanks, Mom. Appreciate it. I don't like getting a haircut, man. It's always a very awkward situation for me. I feel weird about it, especially at the end where they give you the mirror and they turn you around to show you the back. I don't know what they expect. They're always turning you around. They're very proud of themselves. They're like, what do you think about what I did back there? I never know what to say to them. I'm always just like, good job. I didn't know what you were doing back there. I thought it was just tomfoolery, but you were cutting it. Yeah, you went all the way across the back. How long have you been doing this? The other part of the haircut I don't like is at the end where they comb it the way they think you normally style it. This is how you know what they think of you as a human being. It's always a cold dose of messing with me. They're always the same, just parting it down the middle and pasting it up against the side. Is that the way you normally walk around? What am I, a pep boy? What? I walk in here off the Pringles can? What do you think of me? It's not great, but it's good to be here, man. I tell you this. Honestly, I forgot to pack underwear for this weekend. So I got here early. I had to go to Old Navy and buy underwear. It's weird because I never buy my own underwear. I always depend on the parents to get me the three pack every year for Christmas. Ever since I graduated college, that's been my stocking stuffer and I depend on it. So I had to go buy underwear. It was so nice. I got brand new underwear straight out of the pack tonight. It's a good day when you got nice underwear on, right? It doesn't always happen that way. Yeah, sometimes we all get to the end and we just like find that pair in the back of the drawer. And you pull it out and you're like, oh, you again, right? There's fraying by the elastic band. It's like time to do laundry. This is the warning track pair. I threw out all my underwear a couple of years ago. I threw out all my underwear because I still had some holdover whitey tighties from back in the day. Anybody still rockin' whitey tighties? Just my dad? I know he's wearing them because he still parades around the house every year. Still, at this age, he still walks around, hey Nick, how's it going? Really? Underwear? I stopped wearing whitey tighties for two very important reasons. And they're both in the name. Right? You just named it the worst two features of your product. First of all, they're tight. Not great. And secondly, they're white. Why would you make white underwear, you guys? No, that's a horrible thing. Everybody in here has looked at a pair of white underwear and gone, well, that's the end of those. There's no amount of bleach can bring these back. Why would you make them white? Why not make them brown? Why do we not have brown underwear? Oh, you're surprised? You're surprised that's where that joke was headed? Brown will all be. Yeah, make them Lucy Brownies. That's what I want. Got issues, you guys. Got issues. It's always been that way. It's always been that way. I'm trying to eat healthier now so that I look better. I'm getting to that age where I'm trying to eat healthy. But I really don't care if something is good for me. All I care is that it tastes good. Are you with me? I do not care. This is how much I do not care. The other day, I put a scoop of sugar into my sugar-free pudding. I did. I took one bite. I was like, that tastes terrible. Oh, sugar-free. At least they tell me the missing ingredient. That's just food's version of batteries not included. You add the sugar, that works. Trying to eat healthier. My friends, they try and help me. They're just like, one of my friends thought he had the hack. He's like, this is it. Life hack. All you gotta do, stop drinking Coke. Just drink Coke Zero. Tastes just the same as regular Coke. No, it does not. No, it doesn't taste anything like regular Coke. If it tasted just like regular Coke, there wouldn't be any regular Coke, right? Companies don't have two of the exact same product. One's good for you, one's bad. We don't have meth and Meth Zero. I know he's out there like, I really like meth, but I also like my teeth. Thanks, Meth Zero. I think that one's gonna work out for me. I have body issues. I grew up in the Midwest. I live in California. I remember the first time I went to the beach, I realized how different I was from everybody there. Everybody there is hairless. And I'm a Midwestern boy. I'm a fairly hairy individual. And I remember the first time I ever went to the beach, I just took off my shirt. And everybody's like, oh, what are you wearing? My reaction with them was just the opposite. I was like, oh, are you guys sick? And then I was looking at my friends. I was looking at them closely. I was like, I could see stubble. I was like, wait a second. Are you guys shaving your chest? And one of my friends goes, no, dude, I don't shave. I just trim. I was like, well, that's a gateway shave, and you know it. Yeah, boys, you gotta be careful poking around down there. Because years ago, women didn't shave their legs. And then the first one did it, and all the men went, wow. And all the women went, what? We gotta do this every couple of days. Unless it's jeans season. Cut that last part out. I hate the other comics up there. Keep giggling. You'll be down here in a second. I don't know. I'm happy to be here. I'm happy to be anywhere, really. I still drive a car from the 90s. Anybody else got one of those gems? Yeah, what do you got? Honda Accord. No other details. 90, 93. You can't be certain. The last guy was dead. Yeah, man. I drive a 98 Camry, and it's dicey out there, isn't it? You get a car from last century out on the freeway, and it just starts to shake on you. A person riding shotgun's like, it's not relaxing if I have to hit the brakes. I know I'm driving a terrible car. This is how I know my car is old and bad. Because no matter where I go, people always want to fix my bumper. Not like at the auto body shop. I'm just like going to the grocery store. Guys are popping out of the weeds like, hey man, I can fix that bumper for you. Looking down at my car, I'm like, why? It's a 98 Camry. Why would I only fix the bumper on this heap of garbage? What am I going to get that done? People are going to be driving past me like, did you see the brand new bumper on that 98 Camry? That guy must have money. This is how I absolutely know that I'm driving a bucket. I was taking my wife out on a date recently, and on our way to the restaurant, we got into a car accident. I was like, oh no, this is going to ruin our night. I was just driving down the road, minding my own business, and this guy and his pile of garbage backed right into my car, just crunch. I was like, oh no. I had to back up off of his car, pull back up next to him, and as I did that, I just looked over at him, and he and I made eye contact, and we were like, yep, screw it. And we drove away. That was it. There was no getting out of the car to analyze the damage. What was I going to do? Get out and fake it? Like, look what you did to my car. This was an 07 before you had it. That rust spot's new. You owe me $13. I was taking my wife out on a date that night because we had a gift card. Some of you like me, you get a gift card, you're like, I'm taking you out tonight, baby! Ooh, Olive Garden, lucky girl. I love gift cards, man. That's what I'm getting you. You invite me to your birthday party, you bring me along to your wedding, I'm getting you a gift card. And I always get it at the same spot, right by the register at the grocery store because that's the perfect place to get it. Because did you guys know that as long as you don't activate them, they're free? You didn't know that? 100% free. They don't even care if you take them. Last time I was there, I just grabbed a handful, put them in my pocket. The lady behind the register goes, go ahead and take them. Those are no good unless you activate them. And I was like, they aren't me. I'm giving them as gifts. These are so valuable to me. I'm the most generous guy you know, just you get a gift card, you get a gift card, whoo! And when you get them, make sure you get the ones that don't have the dollar amount printed on them. Get the ones where you have to write it in yourself. Yeah, that way you can be as generous as you want. Just like, hey man, happy birthday. $1,000 to Subway. I can finally afford avocado. I think that's a pretty good idea. Pick me up a gift card. I am married, uh, married, married into debt. It's a good decision. $50,000. Yeah, that's what she owed. All in student loans too. $50,000 for an education. And every time I think about that number, $50,000 for an education. And I just look at her head and I think, really? Because sometimes you still misspell your. Are you skipping days? Wife and I, we have, uh, we have two beautiful children. We've got three total. Can't all be perfect, you know what I mean? One of them got overcooked. I don't know what to tell you. I like having the three kids. I got boy, boy, girl. I like the innocence of kids. I think that's fun to hear what they have to say because mine are still young enough. They haven't been ruined by the internet yet. So everything that comes out of their mouth, like it's from an innocent place. Like, even if it sounds dirty, it's not. Like, I remember I was doing some shows at a casino resort and I took my whole family with me and we were hanging out by the pool during the day. And I was sitting in the pool across from my son and then right behind me walked these two ladies with, like, these string bikinis on. And, uh, yeah, they walked behind me. So I only saw them for, like, one or two hours. Like, I knew where they were. And when they were right behind me, I looked at my son's face and I just watched him go. I looked at him. I was like, hey, what are you thinking, buddy? And he goes, they need to buy big girl swimsuits. I was like, what? He's like, no, I get it because sometimes my underwear rides up and that's when I have to get the next size. Trying to raise my kids right. Trying, you know, I... Really, I'm just trying not to ruin them. I think that's the goal of parents today. Just make them not garbage individuals, right? Like, I think the bar has significantly lowered since I was a kid. Like, I remember growing up, like, when I was a kid, like, people had high, lofty goals for me. They're like, Nick, Nick, study hard in school because who knows, you might be president one day. Okay, Nick, make sure you study really hard because who knows, you might be president one day. And now I feel like that's not that big a deal. And it feels like anybody could be president. But, you know, I... Just trying not to make them garbage human beings. And I think I may have already ruined my oldest one. And, yeah, I can pinpoint the moment that it happened too. Yeah, he was about two, two and a half years old and he wasn't going to bed. It was, like, almost midnight. And my wife and I had tried everything to get him to go to bed. We had tried everything at our disposable. And my wife and I, we are against spanking. Like, we still do it. But, like, not in public, you know? No, I mean, I don't know. Maybe Walmart, but definitely not Target. Like, we're not... We're not animals. But he wasn't going to bed. He was up just off the rails. And finally, I was like, you know what? All right, buddy, guess what? You don't go to bed, I'm getting rid of one of your little toy dinosaurs. He had these little hard plastic dinosaurs. It was his only currency in the world. And I was like, you don't go to bed, I'm getting rid of one. He just ignored me, kept playing, so I grabbed one of them, went over to the trash, and I threw it away. And he just looked at me and he goes, don't think so, and fished it out and kept playing. I was like, what? Is he peacocking right now? Do I have to fight a two-year-old? Oh, I always heard that you have to fight the oldest one eventually. I could probably take a two-year-old. And so I went back over and I wrangled it out of his chubby little fingers. I went back to the trash, but this time he's in tow, right behind me. He's ready to catch it. So I knew I couldn't throw it away. So instead, I grabbed some scissors and I started to cut. Yeah. But the scissors were dull and it's hard plastic, so I'm just making multiple hacks. And his only friend in the world, just shards of dinosaur flying. He's down here. Woo! My wife's in the corner like, what are you doing? So if he kills everybody, that's on me. My bad. We got three kids. That's enough. My wife sometimes talks about having a fourth, which is baffling to me. It's a crazy town. Anybody have four or more in here? So many of you. Oh my goodness. Don't stand up. You probably can't. Way too... I can't believe it that women would have one kid and everything that happens to you as a woman and then a few years later, you're like, hey, let's run that back. Let's go for a second. Like that's baffling to me because my wife like has gone through changes after three kids. Like I didn't know this till recently, but now after having three kids, if my wife sneezes and she's not ready for it, there's an accident. I didn't know that was a thing till my wife started striking the Heisman pose in the house. Just zip, zip, zip. What was that? Just watch his mommy stiff arms incontinence. High step over adult diapers. Go mommy. That's a crazy town. And forget about that. Like having kids, they're expensive. They're expensive. We had to buy one of them a new car seat recently because I don't know if you guys know this, kids in America now have to be in a car seat until they're a hundred pounds. It's a little excessive, isn't it? A hundred pounds? You know, like I was a little kid growing up. I didn't weigh a hundred pounds when I turned 16, you guys. Yeah, I'd have been driving to high school in a booster seat trying to find a prom date like what's up ladies? You girls hungry? You want some animal crackers or something? Try and look tough in my five point harness. Just tilt it back and swirl my sippy cup. You ladies get hungry, you let me know I've got a chicken nugget in here somewhere. It wasn't like that when I grew up in the Midwest in the eighties. Is that what safety looked like? I distinctly remember riding in the back of my dad's truck pretending like I was surfing. Right? You're back there hanging ten, he's in the driver's seat trying to toss you. Like... He's just taking a left at you yard sale. Just... Just crank your head on the wheel well as you went tumbling out the back like that was a good one dad. Thought you were going right but you went left. Oh man, I am leaking. Oh, that's okay. I don't need a brain. I'll just be a comedian. Just trying to get through life without being an idiot. I was a dumb kid growing up. I'm dumb. I was a dumb kid. Anybody else dumb? Anyone? I love how you raised your hand and she pointed at you at the same time. Like, me, I'm kind of dumb. She's like, he's dumb. That's why you have to hold his hand in here. Otherwise he just walks into walls. I was a dumb kid growing up. I tried... I remember when I was little I tried digging a hole to China. You ever try that? Yeah. How far did you get? About three and a half feet. Yeah, you don't... Three and a half? That's tenacious. I didn't get very far. I started to resent the Chinese kids for not pulling their weight on the other side. Like, come on Ming Lau. Pick up a shovel. Meet me halfway. Still stupid. I recently got kicked out of a laser tag place for gun butting a kid. No, no. He deserved it. Trust me. I don't know if you've ever been laser tagging. There are only two rules. There's no running and there's no contact. Right behind me, he's walking around shooting me in the back the entire time. Finally, I just turn and for a second the game stops because we realize I just assaulted a child. He's like, hey, no contact. I tried to run away. He's like, no running either. Can't wait till my kids get to that age. My wife and I, before we had kids, we took one last vacation. We called it a baby moon. Have you ever heard of that term? Yeah, like one last trip before your lives are over. We went to Mexico. Have you guys been to Mexico? Yeah? Oh, dude. If you haven't been, I suggest you go. It's like a completely different country. It is awesome. I had so much fun down in Mexico, I decided to sneak something back across the border as we were coming back. Yeah, I was feeling pretty dangerous and I brought diarrhea right back with me. Yeah, I did, Utah. For 10 days, that's how long I had it. And I did. I pooped the bed. Is that what you wanted to hear? Is that what you've been waiting for on this Friday evening? As a 30-year-old man, I have pooped the bed, but I promise you this. It's the last time I ever trust a fart. I promise you that. No, no. Farts and I used to have a good relationship, man. He'd show up every once in a while. Ah! We'd have a giggle. This time, blblblblbl. Too much fart. Too much. And I just sprang out of bed like, oh, oh no. I don't know if you've ever pooped the bed at three in the morning with somebody sleeping next to you. You don't loiter at the scene of the crime. You don't flick on the lights, pull back the sheets. Let's analyze the damage, shall we? No, you just spring out of bed. Okay. Get it together, Hoff. We're in our 30s. And I go to the bathroom and I shut it as quietly as possible. And I'm inside the bathroom taking care of business. And on the other side of the bathroom door, I can hear my wife wake up. I hear her discover the poop, you guys. Some of you are wondering what that sounds like at three in the morning. It sounds like it. No! Just yelling at the top of her lungs, oh my, did you poop the bed? I'm in the bathroom. I got my pants around my ankles. Now I gotta defend myself? I didn't know what to say. All I could come up, thought it was just a fart. What are you doing farting in bed? You look cold. Thank you guys so much. My name's Nick Hoff.