Brian Kiley Comedy Show In Vegas - TheShabbat.Org

It has begun, that's correct. I love the two hecklers seated right in the front. We've got a great show for you tonight. This next guy, this first guy I'm going to bring up here, he's been a writer for The Ellen Show. He wrote for Conan O'Brien. And he's been on The David Letterman Show. He's a phenomenal comedian. Please, show him a lot of love and respect. Brian Kiley, here he is everybody. Well thank you so much, it's so nice to be here. In 2015, I did eight shows in Israel. I was in Jerusalem, in Tel Aviv, and I'm going to botch some of these names and I apologize. I was in Beth Shemesh, Gutz Etzion, and I always want to say Rihanna, but it's not Rihanna, you know what I mean? Thank you, Rihanna, thank you. But I had a fantastic time, I learned a lot. When I was in Israel, I found out that the navigation system Waze is an Israeli company. You guys wandered around the desert for 40 years and said, never again. I also don't work on Saturdays, only because I have a terrible agent. So I'm from Boston originally, but I live in Los Angeles now, thank you. I grew up right near the Dunkin' Donuts. But I live in Los Angeles now, and things shut down there with COVID around March of 2020. So I haven't been to the gym since 1989. I like LA, but it's a strange place. When the pandemic started, I drove by the park in my neighborhood, and I spotted a guy sunbathing naked. I yelled, hey buddy, put a mask on. What's he thinking? I saw a doctor on TV one day saying that we may have to wear masks for the rest of our lives. And I thought, I wish he had told me that before I got my kid's braces. I like to save where I can. I saw someone today getting harassed for wearing a mask. I'm at the bank, the poor guy's just trying to rob the place. Everyone's in his case. My daughter graduated during the pandemic, and her graduation took place online. And she was so bummed out about it. Here's the thing, she went to an online university. I don't know what she was expecting, to be honest. But I feel like things are getting back to normal. I was back in Boston last week, I visited my childhood home. And I knocked on the door and I said, excuse me, I used to live here. Can I look around? And reluctantly, my parents let me in. What's their problem? When I was growing up, we had this little yellow cat called Butter. And years later, eventually after he passed away, we got a new little yellow cat called... I can't believe it's not Butter. I love you guys. Thank you. My grandmother used to make these delicious blueberry muffins. And one Sunday I said, Nana, what's your secret? And she said, I never loved your grandfather. That wasn't the secret I had in mind. But I've been busy, I had a job interview. The guy asked me like a hundred questions. At one point he said to me, do you gossip? So I said, no. But you know who does. I haven't heard back from him yet. Little things bothered me yesterday. The guy that was supposed to fix our doorbell didn't show up. Or did he? It's a bit of a slow burn, I admit. My aunt retired last week. She worked at the DMV for 40 years. 40 years at the DMV. And in that time she waited on a dozen customers. Isn't that something? My uncle is the manager at a Bed Bath & Beyond. I got him drunk recently and he admitted there is no Beyond. I knew it. I was talking to one of my neighbors today. My neighbor said to me, you don't know this about me. But I've had a lot of Botox. Only one of us was able to keep a straight face. Yesterday the TSA agent got mad at me because I pointed out his toupee. They told us, if you see something, say something. What are you mad at me for? I was getting on a plane last week. This older man came up to me and asked me if I would switch seats with his wife. Because there was a long flight and he didn't want to sit next to her. I had to visit someone in the hospital today. That's always tough. Seeing someone that you know has health insurance. I'm getting older. I'm at that age where I'm starting to like graffiti. Because it's the only font size I can still read. Today I had one of those Impossible Burgers. You know what I'm talking about? Those vegan hamburgers. They're delicious. I had mine with bacon. I can make bacon jokes, right? I went to a restaurant last week that offered a guilt-free burger. I said, that's nice, but do you have anything for us Catholics? We like to eat too. I saw someone hitchhiking today. Hitchhiking. It's so dangerous. I came this close to pulling over and murdering him myself. Just to teach him a lesson. I got stopped by the cops last week. The cops said to me, you were going 70 in a 50. I said, 70 is the new 50. I saw someone jogging this morning wearing a Sony Walkman. A Sony Walkman. Apparently, he left his house 40 years ago. He's been roaming the streets ever since. Do you ever have a friend you've known a long time tell you something that just blows your mind? Today, my best friend, who I've known my whole life, revealed to me that he's imaginary. I didn't see that coming. My wife told me today that our daughter's been shoplifting. So now I have to deal with that. I'm going to wait until after my birthday. Thank you. My teenage daughter thinks she knows everything. We're starting to regret naming her Alexa. The other day, my teenage daughter and my 85-year-old dad had a long conversation about how much they both love TikTok. It wasn't until later that I remembered that TikTok is what my dad calls 60 minutes. They weren't on the same page at all. Teenagers are the worst. The other day, my little girl talked back to my wife. My wife told her to do something. She said, no, I don't want to. I had to pull her aside and say, listen, you're going to teach me how to do that. You might be a genius. So my wife and I, we just celebrated our 30th wedding anniversary. Well, thank you. Thanks very much. And I'm happily married. I know that I'm lucky because 50% of married people say they're unhappily married. This is going to a poll I took earlier today at my house. What's her problem? My wife is saying every time we watch a movie together, she falls asleep in the first five minutes. Every time. She doesn't even know I'm here tonight. She thinks the two of us are watching The Shawshank Redemption. My wife's funny. She's about a foot shorter than I am. She has no idea that I'm bald. Wait until she finds out. I met my wife on jury duty. Thanks to me, she was acquitted. Oh, you can't trust DNA evidence. When I first met my wife, I didn't think I had a shot with her at all. Because she was just so pregnant. My wife's always shocked when I actually know something. Like the other night watching Jeopardy. And the question is, what's the tallest building in the world? And I said, oh, that's Burj Khalifa in Dubai. She's like, how do you know that? I said, well, when your parents are living with us, I googled what should I jump off of? And that's what came up. So we started seeing a marriage counselor, and the woman's given us some very valuable tips. For instance, she said, when you first wake up in the morning, the first thing you should say to each other is, I love you. And not, you again. Good to know. Good to know. I have a lot of problems. I have that part where sometimes in the middle of the night, I'll stop breathing. And it's not sleep apnea, it's the other one where your wife's holding a pillow over your face. I don't know what you call that one. My wife was a psychology major in college, so she's constantly psychoanalyzing me. When I wanted to fire the pool boy, she said, you feel threatened by young virile males because you're getting older and you're coping with your own mortality. And my argument was, we don't have a pool. What is Enrique doing here? It's my wife's birthday next week. She always gets kind of cranky around her birthday because she hates getting older. So today I said, oh, so what do you want for your birthday? She said, a divorce. I wasn't planning on spending that much. I was thinking more like a gift card. I'm kidding, of course. My wife is the best thing that ever happened to me. I say that because when I met my wife, I only had like two minutes of material. Just really come through for me. So we've got two kids. We're very fortunate. Years ago, my wife and I, we were told we were unable to have children by our landlord. He was completely mistaken. It's very different being a parent these days. Every kid is on medication these days. Both my kids are on Rogaine. They insistent. My wife was the one that talked to me into shaving my head. I'm much younger, and I do. I now look like I'm a week old. Wasn't really what I was going for. But my kids are getting older. Both my kids are in college now. It was very hard for me when my kids went away to college. But they're both English majors. So we know they'll be back living with us in a couple of years. Silver lining. My son always calls me when he's drunk. And I'm flattered that he calls me, you know, because he's just got the one phone call. But he graduates next year, and for his graduation present, we're thinking of getting him a car. Because we're pretty sure he's going to become an Uber driver. We want to help them with their future. Of course, now that I'm a dad, I'll call my dad, ask for advice. He always says the same thing. How'd you get this number? So not helpful. We call our dad G.I. Joe. My siblings and I, we call him G.I. Joe. Because his name is Joe. And he has gastrointestinal problems. Very strange man, my father. My father's allergic to cotton. He's allergic to cotton. He has pills he can take, but he can't get them out of the bottle. My grandfather came to this country from Ireland in search of a better life. Then my grandmother tracked him down and put a stop to that. We always called my grandfather Poppy. Because of his... opium. But I've done some research, it turns out I'm super Irish. Even my blood type is O apostrophe. There's some characters in my wife's family. She has an uncle that can tell you exactly when and how you're gonna die. He's a hit man. Seems like cheating if you ask me. When I was growing up, the guy across the street from us was actually in the mafia. And he was a very nice guy. He used to pay me ten bucks every morning just to start his car. I grew up in a very religious family. And my best friend is an atheist. He said to me, how can you believe God exists when you've never seen him? I said, well... I believe Home Depot employees exist. You guys have been so nice. Thank you so much. I appreciate it. I can pass over, thanks for having me.