"Bad Chinese" Stand Up Comedy Set by Andrew Fung

The one coming up next is a good friend of mine. You probably have seen his video on YouTube. He's Andrew Fung from the Fung Brothers. We just have more than 2 million followers on YouTube. Ladies and gentlemen, Andrew Fung! Thank you, thank you. So glad to be performing at Asia Society and not Secret Society. Because we don't have to worship Satan. So who here loves living in New York City? I love New York City, man. New York City is my favorite city to live in. You know why? Because they have one of the lowest suicide rates in the nation. We can clap for that. It's okay. I'm from Seattle, so it's a nice switch up. But I was wondering why. I was like, wait, why is the suicide rate so low? It's because you can't kill yourself in this city without ******* up someone else's day. You know what I mean? Like, let's say you want to jump in front of the subway train. You're like, half train, half my life. There's like three angry Dominican guys. Hey, papi, papi, what are you doing? What are you doing? I got to work in the bodega. And then a Yankees game. Come on. And then you want to jump off a building because there's a lot of tall buildings in New York, but there's always construction. So there's going to be a whole fleet of D.O.T. workers at the bottom. Just, you ************, I know what you're going to do. You're going to jump onto what I'm doing. And then you're like, okay, you know what? Let me just find somewhere quiet. Like, you know, let me just do it in a car. And you're like, okay, I have no car. So you have to, it gets sadder. You have to borrow a friend. So you're looking for parking for a nice little spot to do it. There's no parking. And you find a spot finally. And you're like, okay, this is going to be it. And then it's street cleaning day. So you got this big ass vacuum behind you. She's like, fine, I'll go and do it in Jersey. Man, another reason why I love New York is so diverse. I've been able to date a lot of different types of women here. I've gone on dates with women from the Caribbean, women from Eastern Europe, women from war-torn countries like the Bronx. It's been great. It's been great. But it's, I have been dating more white girls lately. Yeah, I know. I'm just trying to get back at them. Calm down. So what I will say this about dating white women is like, it's kind of refreshing. Like, I don't mean this in any offensive way, but like, I think a lot of nice Asian women, their standards for food are astronomically high. Like when I'm trying to think of a nice place for dinner, I'm like, oh my God, is it on Rezzy? What's the belly rating? Oh, did it go viral? Is it omakase? Is the biracial chef cooking childhood dishes with a sleeve tattoo and Michelin star techniques? I just like stress me out, but you know, open-minded Megan from Connecticut. She says, you can just take me on the most authentic Asian experience. Easy. Thank you. Because the most authentic Asian experience are these $3 pork and shrimp dumplings on this wobbly stool paid with cash. I just call it my ethno diasporic immersion date. And it works because she's like on the stool. Just I feel like Anthony Bourdain. We have a lot of Asians in the crowd. Any Chinese people make some noise? Yeah. Chinese people, Chinese people love meeting each other, but, but not really until we know what type of Chinese you are. You know, we're a little regionalist. So I was asking my friend, I was like, oh, like what type of Chinese are you? He's like, I'm like regular Chinese. What is that standard issue? Default settings. What does that mean? He goes, oh, like, you know, it's like my parents are like from this small place. I don't know if you heard of it, like called Anhui. I was like, damn. Yeah. It's tough. Not much going on in Anhui except for 60 million Chinese people, 60 million in Anhui. I know that in a Chinese sense, that's not a lot of people, but that is still more than the entire West coast of America. So if there was ever a war, China could just send Anhui first. That would take care of half of the problem. I am glad to see Chinese culture be a little cooler now because historically Chinese culture always suffered from weak marketing, really bad marketing. You know, you know what I'm saying? Like French, they have great marketing. Everybody wants something French. Oh, this brand is French. This chef is French trained. Oh, my dog is a Frenchie. But if you said my dog is a Chinese, is your dog okay? Like on a French menu, you know, you might see something like rotisserie squab and that same small bird dish on a Chinese menu is going to be like fried pigeon. And you're just like, it was so close. So close. I think Chinese are not good at English names, but they're really good at Chinese names. You know, I have a Chinese name. Some people have a Chinese name. Anybody else out there? A few? Good to know that the Chinese people stopped talking when I asked them a question. If it's not, whoo, they don't know what to say. But my dad finally told me what it meant. He was like, Andrew, do you want to know what your the meaning of your Chinese name is? He does talk a little bit like Bruce Lee's from that era. And I was like, No, that is 30 years, you could tell me. And he goes, Okay, Andrew, your name, from the show, it means masculine cultural warrior. What the **** this whole time? I had this name, when they were calling me noodle dick. I had this in my back pocket. It's like such a good name. It's a great name, but it's maybe too good. Like I, I tried having a girl call me this in bed. I was like, Yeah, you can say my name, baby. Say it. Say the yeah, all nine syllables. Yeah. And she was like, she tried. Okay. Oh, masculine cultural warrior. And I was like, you know what, Megan, it's okay. You can just call me noodle dick. It feels more natural. I'll end up on this though. Who here loves boba? Yeah. You love drinking boba? That's great. What if I told you that I recently found out that boba was not made for Asians? It's not made for Asians. Let me explain. All right, stay with me now. Number one. It's all milk. 90% of Asian Americans suffer from some lactose intolerance. I literally had a friend go, yeah, you know, it's going to make me ----, but I got to have my boba tea. So Asians like things that **** up their gut. Great. All right, cool. So reason number two, it's too sweet. You know, it's too sweet. If it wasn't too sweet, they wouldn't let you dial it up and down. You walk into a boba shop. They're like, hello, you can have 15% sugar or 400% sugar. And you there, you're like shaking. You're like, okay, give me Brown sugar flavor, heavy cheese foam, 600% sugar, that insulin diarrhea. Let's go. And then lastly, most importantly, it's too expensive. And this goes against a core Asian value of being cheap as ****. Like we're the same people who go to a restaurant and say, I'll just have the water, please. And it's tap water. We're cheap as ****, but we love it. So it makes us ----. And we're spending a lot of money. I would consider that an addiction. And yes, I know what you're thinking. It is a conspiracy. Yeah. I recently found out that the popularity of boba was just a CIA psyop to distract Asian Americans because we were becoming too successful in this country. Just like they did crack in the eighties. This is our crack. All right, everybody, that's my time. Thank you so much. We, uh, we have a one final comic and this comic, uh, his Netflix special is coming up next week. Australian comedian, uh, really born and raised in Australia. He's very famous in Australia. Actually, he's now based in New York. Please welcome Aaron Chen.