The Japanese Fixed Pooping _ Jim Gaffigan Standup Comedy

I got to do some international shows this year. I performed in Japan for the first time, which was amazing. I mean, I wasn't in Japan just for stand-up. I was also modeling. I wish that wasn't that funny. But Japan, the Japanese are just, they're better at being human. Can we admit that? They're more polite, they're better at design. The Japanese toilet? Are you familiar with the Japanese toilet? The Japanese took the most disgusting experience of human existence and fixed it. The Japanese toilet washes you, dries you, does your taxes. And that is in a Tokyo airport bathroom. You leave a Japanese public restroom cleaner than when you walked in. You leave an American public restroom with PTSD. Your only thought is, how can I forget that experience? Is there alcohol nearby? The entire time I was in Japan, I felt overweight, probably because I am overweight. But generally, the Japanese are thin. I mean, there are people that are overweight in Japan, but not like in America. We're better at not being thin. Because if you get really fat in Japan, they make you sumo wrestle. They make their fat people fight each other to entertain the thin people. And the fat people in Japan go along with it. Why am I doing this? It's prestigious. Now, you try and push that other fat ass out of the circle. We try not to giggle. But first, throw on this giant diaper and put your hair in a bun. It's very dignified. The Japanese are quiet and polite. They're like the opposite of my children. I had my kids with me, and they were always making loud noises. Occasionally, I would catch a Japanese person looking at my poorly behaved kids. And then they would look at me, and I'd always say the same thing. We're Canadian. Of course, we're not Canadian. That is what some Americans do when they travel internationally. They tell people they're Canadian, which I think is cowardly. That's why I always tell people I'm North Korean. Then I get the respect I deserve. How much attention does the country of North Korea need at this point? Every two days, North Korea is like, We're going to blow up the world! Isn't there a part of you that's like, Then just do it. Get it over with, you spaz. Jim, don't even joke around about that. What if someone from North Korea was in the audience? They have a missile program. It's kind of fun tracking the North Korean missile program, right? They're like, North Korea has missiles that can reach Alaska. Oh my gosh, Alaska? Well, I don't know anyone that lives in Alaska. North Korea has missiles that can reach the West Coast. Oh my gosh, the West Coast? Well, I don't go there that often. North Korea has missiles that can reach the East Coast. Well, we got to do something about this. Now we're talking about real people. Did some shows in China, all in Chinese. Picked it up at the Y. It's not that hard. It wasn't that complicated. You visit some places and you think, All right, there's a language barrier, but I could get by. In China, it was like, Oh, if I got lost, I would die here. I wouldn't last a half a day. Everyone's looking at me like I'm a ghost anyway. The Chinese were very nice. They were fascinated with my pale, blonde children. Many of them wanted pictures with my kids. They didn't really ask. They just grabbed a kid. Can I have a picture with this one? I guess you're gonna. And when they were done with the picture, they would rub my blonde kid's head. Because, you know, they're my kids. But they're also lucky objects. And after this happened a couple times, I was like, Hey, we should charge, right? China was fascinating and exhausting. I brought my kids to the Great Wall. We saw the Terracotta Warriors. We walked through the Forbidden City. We rode in a rickshaw. And when we were leaving, I asked my 5-year-old, I said, What was your favorite part of China? And he said, I liked that time we saw the truck with the pigs on it. Because at one point, we were stuck in traffic and this truck pulled up and it had pigs in cages. And that was his favorite part. After the 15-hour flight. And I remember when that truck pulled up because I remember looking at those pigs and feeling sorry for them. But those pigs looked happy. It was almost like the pigs were looking at me and my five screaming kids going, Well, at least we're not that slob. I do enjoy traveling to other countries, seeing how different, but essentially similar we all are. Like the UK is not that different from the US. You know, if anything, you go over there and it seems like British people are trying to be different from Americans. They're like, Oh, you drive on the right side of the road? Then we're going to drive on the left side of the road. Oh, you call your mother mom? Then we're going to call ours mum. Oh, you call that a cookie? Then we're not going to the dentist. I did notice something when I was over there. You know, British people, they don't say the before hospital. You ever notice that? They're like, Hospital? I was feeling knackered, so I went to hospital. Whenever they would do that, I'd say, Stop that. That's wrong and weird. Are you trying to sound like a polite caveman? And I had a friend from London. He was like, What makes you think you're doing it properly? And I go, Because I'm American and we invented the English language. It was a pet peeve of mine, so I did some research. You know why British people don't say the before hospital? Because they're dicks. I know that sounds harsh, but admit it. British people always talk to Americans like we just walked into their jewelry store with two full bags of garbage. May I help you? Are you lost? Obviously, I love the Brits, and I would never do those jokes there. I have been lucky enough to perform in the UK a couple times, and one time I was walking through Piccadilly Circus, which, for the record, is a horrible circus. There's no animals. No, I was walking through Piccadilly Circus, and I saw they had an M&M store, and I looked at that M&M store, and it just made me think of all the things the British have given the Americans, like our language, Shakespeare, the Magna Carta, and I looked at the M&M store, and I thought, Now we're even. When I looked at the M&M store, I wasn't even embarrassed to be American. I was just ashamed to be human. Because has anyone at any point in their life thought, When are they going to open an M&M store? Sure, I can buy M&Ms absolutely anywhere, but I like to buy in bulk in a pro-M&M environment. Obviously, we don't need an M&M store. We don't even need different colored M&Ms. They all taste the same. They're just bits of chocolate shaped like Advil.