David Cross - The brutal truth about parenting

And speaking of unwanted pregnancies, I've learned so much from my daughter. It just, like, and one thing I learned that they don't really tell you about, but you have to, you have to, like, constantly censor yourself, edit your responses to the kids. Because kids will often say some really funny ----, just some gems, right? But you can't laugh, because they don't, they didn't intend for it to be funny, so it's upsetting to them. It seems dismissive, and they're trying to be sincere, and so you can't laugh. It's, you know, they take it poorly. And a good example of this, like, this is 100% true. So when my daughter was about four and a half, my wife was out of town, and we were having breakfast, and there was a little lull in the conversation, and I'm over, you know, cleaning up some dishes and stuff. And then, after about a minute, she says to me, and apropos of nothing, we had not been talking about anything like this at all. So she just comes out with this. She goes, Daddy, I'm sad you're going to die soon. And, you know, my immediate reaction was like, oh my God. She's a witch. And I went over, and I sat down next to her, and I very quickly bound her hands and legs, threw in her sack, drove to a river, and dumped her off the bridge. But here's the thing. I love that kid so much, and I'm almost embarrassed to say that I'm surprised at how much I love her. Not because of her, but I just didn't think I was capable of that depth of love for another person or thing. You know? I mean, I truly, I used to think I had kind of a mild form of autism when it came to love, because I never had that connection that, you know, you see in the movies, and the poems, and the books, and the, you know, like, you know, the notebook? I've never felt like that. You know, like Wuthering Heights? You know, I haven't read it, but I assume there's some love ---- in there. I've just never felt that for anything, any person, you know? And I have a wonderful dog, you know? But I would take a bullet for that kid. Instinctively, I would take a bullet for her. I would not take a bullet for my wife. No, no. Absolutely not. No. F**k that. No, no, no, no, no, no. Wait. Honey, it's your bullet. He said. He said it's, I'll be downstairs playing video games. No, but I would, I would take a bullet for my dog. Now here's the thing. I love that kid so much. I really do. But at the same time, and I'm 100% sincere when I say this, I also resent her. I really do. Because she's rich. She's a ******* rich kid. And I know it's not right. I know it's a leftover hangover prejudice I had since I was a kid. I grew up really poor and I was always suspicious of rich people. I didn't get it. I didn't like it. And I just didn't like rich people. I still don't, you know? And I'm rich. I'm rich, you know? I mean, I'm not rich, rich. I pay my taxes, but you know what I mean. You know what I mean. And when that kid is whining about dumb s**t, I'm like, oh, like, stop it. You're ******* rich. Stop whining. You know, you have central air. Do you understand? Are you hot? Push that button. You'll cool down. Are you cold? Push that button. You'll heat up. You have a teepee in your playroom that's not your bedroom. Can you conceive of how ******* rich you, you're sitting there eating an organic banana that your mother made me go to three ******* places in the rain to get you an organic banana. Like that ******* matters. It's the biggest scam in the world. It's bulls**t. Anybody can throw an organic sticker on anything. Nobody does their due diligence. It's all, also, are you eating the peel? All right, then who gives a s**t? You have to pay a 500% markup for a ******* organic banana. You're not going to eat, and okay, so I'm sorry. Let me, let me get this straight. Let me get this right. So our water is contaminated. Our air is polluted. Our homes are slowly trying to kill us, but yeah, an organic banana, that'll set everything straight. Good. Hey, you know what? I didn't have anything organic until I was 40, and that was by accident, and I'm fine, all right? So seriously, quit your whining. Young lady, seriously, listen to me. Listen to, listen to me. Listen to me. Until you drive your 1982 Chevy Malibu with a broken side mirror an hour and a half through a snowstorm in a Western mass, so you can do a set for a bunch of disinterested, drunk, anti-Semitic, racist, Christian patriots for $30 and a cold egg roll, then, then you can complain to me about how your purse doesn't have as many sparkles as Madeline's, all right? Also, that purse, it was made by prison labor. That's right, an innocent man was framed by a bunch of dirty cops. They planted drugs on him so they could boost their gotchas, right? They knowingly, and because he was black and indigent, they were just like, oh, this'll work, and they planted drugs on him. Then, when the rest of the precinct found out about it, you know what they did? They all covered up for him. The whole thing is corrupt. From top to bottom, they're all corrupt pieces of ----, and then those cops perjured themselves on the witness stand and in cahoots with a crooked prosecutor and a crooked judge, knowingly sent an innocent man to prison, ruining generations of lives. He made your purse.