CIA Parents & Hot Girl Problems - Jennifer Gable

I've been doing this job for 10 years, and I was tired of waiting for the opportunity, so I wanted to produce my third production. I did a pilot, I did a short film, and now I'm shooting my own special, so I'm excited. I was in a bank, and I was trying to verify my physical address, and so I gave him an internet bill, and he was like, no, I need a cable bill. And I was like, a cable bill? I was like, this is a cable bill. Internet is at home where I live. Oh, I swear. It's crazy. So I live in Los Angeles, and yeah, I'm from the East Coast, but I live here now. And this guy said to me recently, he was like, hey Jennifer, you look a lot better than the last time I saw you. I was like, gee, that's such a backhanded compliment, right? But I'll take it. So if you guys don't find my humor funny tonight, at least I look pretty on the outside. That was an inside joke. So I do get recognized sometimes. I've been doing stand-up for a while, but I think it's also because I used to be in a band. Some of you might have heard of us before. We were called The Marching Band. I was a flautist. I don't know, it was a weird time. Be careful what you wish for, right? I love you guys. I always wanted to live in the 60s where everyone smoked pot and complained about the government all the time. So be careful what you wish for. I had cool music in the 60s, right? Like Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix. What do we get? The Watt? Is that what we did? I think things have been crazy ever since the Bernstein Bears became the Bernstein Bears. Do you guys know about this? In Vermont, there are these children's books. Apparently one was written one way, and now it's written a totally different way. Nobody can figure it out. It's strange. So yeah, I've been doing stand-up comedy for like 10 years now. And I recently became an international comedian during COVID. I wrote a lot of Zoom shows, but I didn't have to touch anyone. So it's cool. I did shows in Canada, London. It's cool. Do you guys hear about it in the news too? They said aliens are real. Did you guys catch this, that now aliens exist? We just call them those names. We don't care, right? But yeah, the government officials said it. And nobody cares, except for Blink-182. That's it. Nobody cares. I always kind of knew aliens existed. I grew up in D.C. My dad worked for the CIA. My mom worked for the FBI. So I was kind of new. I thought the aliens loved cake. My dad wasn't supposed to tell me, but he kind of did, right? So we figured that they were here. So I don't know. I feel like I'm an alien. I'm the one on this planet. These are so crazy. We're robots now. We're taking our jobs. We're going to take the fun jobs, though. This isn't the future I signed up for, right? I want them to take the hard jobs. Not the fun that they're writing poetry now, writing TV shows. This is a great guy. Yeah, it's crazy. There's too many passwords. It's crazy. Technology. Way too many passwords. I can't remember all these passwords. But they have these secret questions, right, that help you remember. But they always make me relive my copy childhood. Like the one, who's your first pet? I'm like, well, its name was Tiger. It grew in its shell, escaped from its cage. My dad was drunk and thought I was a bug and killed it. So thanks for that memory. My favorite secret question, though, is who was your best friend in high school? Because I will never forget that two-faced whore thing. That's my favorite secret question. Always remember. Yeah, I hooked up with her, too, in high school. We were like on painkillers one night. Crazy night. Anyways. I don't know. The future's crazy. I didn't know people would become famous on TikTok for doing the Macarena. Did you? Did you guys hear about the girl, too, that sold her farts in Missouri? She made $200,000. I didn't know farts were going on sale like this. I didn't know there was a market for that. She was a farts connoisseur. She made so much money. Like, man. I don't know. Some people are saying there's going to be a new world order. There's going to be like a one-world government. If that happens, can we just get universal health care? That would be cool. Woo! Yeah. Me neither. I don't know. There's so many people who are into conspiracy theories. Republicans love conspiracy theories and their rights for themselves. That's cool. Woo! Don't promote your LGBT, right? They're like, the gays are going to hell. We read it in the Bible. They like misquote the Bible. If God was real, like, I don't think he would make religious people this stupid. I don't know. Have you guys heard of reverse exorcism? It's when you take the priest out of the child. Oh, no. Church has always been more traumatic for me, though, than drag shows ever have. Yeah, any other recovering Catholics in here? I love how, like, Catholics are just practicing symbolic cannibalism, right? With the wine and the bread and the wine. See what you want about the gay people? They live the best lives. During COVID, they had Zoom naked sex parties. Yeah, my gay friend was masturbating at the naked sex parties, and they were like, go Daniel, go Daniel. They have the best lives now, the gay people. The fact that I'm still attracted to men, though, is it lets you know that sexuality is not a choice. Yeah. Men and women have different relationships with each other. Do you guys know that Mike Tyson and him are now business partners? Isn't that crazy? They make herbal marijuana years together. Can you imagine if, like, I bit your ear off? Can you imagine, as a female, if I bit your ear off? You would never talk to me again. But I have two friends trying to convince each other to change political sides, right, recently. One was, like, trying to get them to go right. The other was trying to go left. And then they came back. They're like, you know, I listened to you, and actually I'm now on your side. And the guy's like, really? I listened to you. Now I'm on your side. And they stopped talking to each other. Crazy. Remember when people used to have various political views, and they still talked to each other? Remember that? That was cool. Doesn't happen anymore. I think everyone is hating on white women now a lot because, like, not only do men still pay for most of our crap, but we also, like, make money now. So people are like, wait, that's not fair. You guys can't do that. You guys can't be that incited. Yeah, I took a test to see where my ancestors came from. I took one of those tests. They have my DNA. It's whatever. And people are like, your ancestors are from Transylvania. So I guess I'm part vampire. Yeah, a lot of people assume that I'm, like, part Jewish. And I am. But, like, when they do that, I feel like it's racial profiling when they do that. Yeah, I'm not a hot girl. I wish I was a hot girl. I'm trying to be hotter in LA. There's a lot of hot girls here. But hot girls talk slow, right? They, like, they talk so slow in LA. It's like a rally girl thing, you know? And, like, I guess I get it. It's so tiring being a hot girl. So many hot girls. So many hot girls with filters on Instagram, right? And, like, they got these, like, positive saying slogans underneath their Instagram. And they're like, this year has been such a transformative year for me. It's like, just because you starved yourself and lost a lot of weight doesn't make it a transformative year for you, Kyla. Okay? Everyone's feeding away with everything, right? Well, except for Mandanox. But, um...