A Guide To Lifelong, Genuine Friendships

We totally overcomplicate and overthink the process of meeting new people and making new friends all the time. Or at least, I do. These are some simple ideas that have helped me find and keep friendships that I know I can cherish for a whole lifetime. To be fair, it's not like they have orchards of trees or outlet stores that offer amazing, considerate people waiting to be selected for friendship. If they did, this video would be a lot easier. But meeting people can feel impossible sometimes, especially as you get older. The cliche but absolutely true advice when it comes to meeting people that you'll probably groan at me for when you hear is that all you have to do is talk to people. If you think like me, that's both terrifying and also not very helpful at all to hear. It's funny though, really understanding that is actually the best news you can get if you're trying to meet new people because it makes things so much simpler. And what I mean by that is, in reality, you shouldn't need to go out of your way at all to meet new people because the place in which you are most equipped to do that is where you're already at. Do you go to school? Work? Church? The gym? Do you volunteer at all? There's gotta be one on that list. In my opinion, there's a lot of bad advice out there when it comes to meeting people. There's no secret place or special invite-only club for meeting people. You can literally talk to people anywhere, meaning that nothing in your routine has to change to make a new friend. I've met my absolute closest friends that I can pick up a conversation with after months of not seeing each other but feel like it's only been a few days exclusively from these places. The only difference between valuing them as a friend for life and never having known them is actually talking to them. The trick is to think about the places in which you could consider yourself a regular. It's way easier to talk to people when you've seen each other's faces a handful of times. From there, small talk or questions given your mutually shared environment is a breeze, and then you can see how the person responds and let the conversation flow naturally if you want to. Soon enough, that small talk with those people that see you as a regular can turn into full-on conversations about topics outside of your environment, and that's how a friendship starts. It's really that simple. We always make it seem like we have to burst into a room of people who are already comfortable with one another and be the master of witty banter and intelligent conversation to meet people when all we really have to do is just start talking to the people who are already around us every day. When you do meet people where you're at, opportunities to grow that friendship circle are eventually going to come up. Maybe it's an invite to a party or a concert or just a hangout with some folks you don't know. Whatever it is, you absolutely have to say yes to those, no matter how badly you want to stay in and eat ice cream and watch a movie. Whether you're extroverted or introverted, you have an in when you say yes to stuff like that. You aren't just walking blindly into a room and trying to cold call a friendly conversation. If you were invited to something, there's a reason for that. Be confident in that and use that space to meet some new folks. From there, it's just the same as before. You're in a shared environment with some people. Use that to your advantage to make some small talk and work that into conversation. It might sound crazy, but even if the people that invited you don't seem like a long-term fit to be a close friend of yours, those social opportunities might introduce you to a whole new group of people that could be. And I will say, even if you don't meet anyone you feel like you immediately connected with in situations like these, those nights can be so unpredictable in a good way. Maybe you find out that after some time, those friends that you didn't think were a long-term fit might actually be. Maybe you have a great time doing something interesting, and even if it's just a one-time thing with that group of people, you made an awesome memory. I have a handful of closely cherished memories from just saying yes to new people who asked me if I wanted to hang out and do something different for a night, even if it took a lot of mental courage and internal deliberation just to work up the actual yes. But when you actually start to talk to people and then start saying yes to spending time with them, you'd be surprised at the amount of people you start to encounter. That's most of the battle right there, and then after that, you just have to decide who you want to be spending your time with. The big two are the only two character traits you need to look out for when assessing if someone could make a lifelong friend, and they aren't anything hard to find either. It's just two of the most basic traits, kindness and humor. The people that I personally love spending the most time with in my life, the people who feel so genuine and easy to be with no matter how long it's been or how I'm feeling in that moment, those people are always kind to me and they're easy to laugh with. When you're at one of these social opportunities that you said yes to, who in the room embodies the big two traits? Who includes you in conversation? Who's asking you questions you're excited to answer? Who generally speaks in a positive way about people around them, their job, and stuff like that? Who is making jokes that are actually funny instead of just artificial social circle funny that you have to laugh at to be polite, but at the end of the night when you can relax, you find that your mouth just hurts from fake smiling? It's easy to be kind and funny towards new people or old friends, but how are these people acting when they're inconvenienced? What about how they're acting with people that they disagree with? Or when either of you are in a really tough spot in life lately? That's when these people really reveal their character. Kindness and humor are two of the most positive, all-encompassing traits that make assessing a person's character so much simpler. And the best part is, usually these traits are apparent pretty quickly. You don't have to waste time trying to make a relationship work with a person that's missing the big two because it'll be obvious that the fit is off early on. I tend to think that common interests are way less important than the big two, but they can still be a great indicator for someone you'll get along with for very obvious reasons. If you play video games for example, and so does this other person, not only do you guys have something in common to talk about and an easy excuse to hang out in the near future, which is the entire point, but you also just got backstage access to see what this person's really like and if it's somebody you'd hang out with for a long, long time. You have many more opportunities to actually spend time with and get to know a person while enjoying a hobby together. Whether you rock climb, read books, watch sports, or make stick figure YouTube videos, it's really easy to default to conversation about common interests, which is like a cheat code to getting to know someone. Another idea is to consistently think about expanding your interests. Like if you're talking with someone that really loves movies and you're somewhat of a movie enjoyer yourself, share with them what you know and pick their brain regarding what they know and like. A different way to think about this is in order to be interesting, you have to be interested. Not in a romantic way, just like a general sense. If you're open to expanding your interests, it's really easy to ask others about theirs and when you're asking someone about their deepest interests, usually it makes them feel really valued. Now, if you can find someone with the big two and common interests, you're really cooking. It's time to lock that down, brother. Not in a romantic way, just like a general sense. Real friendships are like a two-way street. You have to check both sides when you interact to make sure you don't get hit by a car. Have you ever looked back on text with a buddy before and realized that you've been reaching out and making plans a lot more recently compared to your friend? If that's ever happened to you, it's probably pretty frustrating and confusing, right? If one side of the street is getting a lot more attention than the other, usually that means something's off. You should be equally inclined to put effort into your friendships as your friends are with you. In your words, your actions, your sharing of interests and activities, in the good times and the bad times, all of that stuff. All of those things I said before about the big two have to be embodied by you as well. If you meet a solid few people that are really kind to one another and laugh together but you don't embody those same traits, wouldn't they be justified in looking somewhere else for their friendships just like you would be? Just as you shouldn't be spending your time with friends that you don't get along with and don't treat you well, others also get that option. You need to take care to not be the person who's neglecting those close to you, but also don't allow yourself to be neglected by the ones you consider close. I think so many videos on making friends and improving your social skills on YouTube give out this multi-layered study guide that you have to memorize to a T in order to start friendships, but I think it can be so much easier than that. If they work for you, just take the big points from this video and keep them in mind. As a person who's moved around and started fresh a handful of times in a handful of different places, these general ideas have really helped me find community when I felt like I was starving for it. You don't have to be the master of conversation or need to know every social trick in the book. If you're making a genuine effort to look for friends, then friends will find you.