How to Make & Nurture Amazing Friendships | Adam Lane Smith 2195

all right you're on the Mind pump Channel but today is the second installment of Mind pump presents we have Adam Lane Smith on he's a relationship expert he's an expert on attachment Theory you loved his first one here's the second one this one's talking about how to make friends how to get out of toxic relationships how to avoid toxic relationships Adam Lane Smith is so impactful that we're literally letting him have his show on our Channel and so this is the second one that we're doing we know you're going to enjoy it today's giveaway is the RGB bundle do this if you want to win it leave a comment below this video in the first 24 hours that we drop it subscribe to this channel turn on notifications if you win we'll let let you know in the comment section we also have two days left for our program sales Maps bands half off the hard Gainer bundle of programs half off if you're interested click on the link at the top of the description below all right here's Adam Lane Smith welcome back to episode two we're going to be fixing your attachment today especially in friendship today we're talking specifically about attachment in your friendship and why friendships are so absolutely vital to your well-being they might be some of the biggest impact in your life that you will ever have in any factor and so many people take friendship for granted or they don't think it's important we're going to talk about fixing that today and everything you need to know to either fix the friendships you have or find entirely new friendships if you're running a ground right now we'll figure it out I'm also going to teach you the easiest method for making friends something I teach to people who come in who have not had a good quality friend for 10 years this method is so easy that children can do it in fact children do do it I'm going to show you the basic normal biological human method for making friends that is so easy you will be embarrassed and then you'll have a bunch of friends who actually like you it'll be cool we'll get you there so specifically in this video I'm going to show you how to make new friends the very easy way how to make sure that your friendships are quality so we're going to filter for toxic versus healthy I'm going to show you how to improve any old friendships that you have a very specific method I call the anxious person speech I'm also going to show you how to nurture those new friendships that you're going to be building and how to grow your friendships over time a big key part of this is also that I'm going to teach you the four levels of trust that's going to show you how and when to deepen a connection with somebody so that they stay with you for the test of time you're going to understand how to make friends what people want from you and how to maintain friendships for your entire life so let's get right into [Music] [Music] it first let's talk about the big big problem loneliness friendless I didn't know I don't know if you even knew that friendlessness is a word but it is friendlessness the lack of friendship in your life may be one of the biggest pain points you're experiencing even worse than dating romance parenting everything else it could be friendship that is ruining things for you now the research shows that 33% of Millennials age 24 to 42 is so crushingly alone every single day that they are depressed they are miserable now this is the most extreme cases in that in that group but that doesn't even count the people who are just pretty unhappy about being lonely the vast majority of Millennials are crushingly lonely and unhappy and a huge portion of gen Z and a giant portion of Gen X and Gen Y even Baby Boomers everybody is feeling the pinch at losing friends having no friends feeling lonely and feeling like you are the only one a lot of people look around and they think everybody else is out there having a great time that everybody else has friends and that it's just you sitting all alone in your apartment on your couch right now listening to this miserable that everyone else is having the time of their life and you are all alone and left out everybody feels that way which should tell you a lot we're going to talk about how to fix that exactly loneliness did you know is one of the top cited reasons in fact it's the biggest cited reason for depression and Suicidal Thoughts is being lonely if you have good quality relationships your qual of life goes way up and it justes it doesn't just get better from misery it then goes up into great wonderful territory where you are fulfilled you can have that Legacy that 240 that we talked about you can do all of that connecting it comes a lot of it from Friendship men especially are hurting men especially are crushed by this women are lonely but they can get by they can build relationships people will build relationships with women if a woman walks out of her home people try to talk to her a lot of men don't a lot of men have no one to encourage them a lot of men have no physical contact I hug all of my male friends every time I see them because it might have been the first hug they've had this year a lot of guys they grow up and they hit seven eight years old people stop hugging them and then people never hug them and then they are all alone and maybe they get a handshake maybe they bump shoulders with somebody once and it's the first piece of human contact they've had in a long time friends are good for physical contact they're good for your mental health they're good to have deep talks with when you're lonely you have no one to talk to about anything about the deeper stuff even just about your hobbies talk about video games talk about going out having doing Fitness and working out together go to the gym together watch a movie together do anything every meal is alone every activity is alone everything's alone you're all alone in the world there's no accountability there's no support no encouragement no nothing how are you going to maintain anything how are you going to build how you going to grow without friends friends I will argue matter more than having a romantic partner don't get me wrong I've been married for almost 15 years I love marriage and it does it does impact your life in a giant way but your friendships change everything through the course of your life so the first step we need to do with you is assess what you've got let's figure out what you actually have because it may feel like you have nothing or maybe you think you have a bunch and you don't know why you're unfulfilled any of the friends in your life right now let's start thinking about them what's that what what is their moral character what's the moral character of the people you have in your life if you have anybody do they follow your values that we talked about not are your values more important than theirs but do they keep to your values if honesty is the most important thing for you do you have friends who are honest or are all of your friends Liars if discipline is really important to you getting up doing what you're supposed to do going to the gym taking care of yourself going to work and all of your friends are complete bums who sponge off of other people how's that going to go can you respect your friends can you trust them do you even really like being around them do your friends have a mission what's their purpose in life what are they pursuing or do they just sit around and smoke pot in their underwear is that their plan to do that forever do they act with honor if a crisis hits can you trust them to be an honorable person who does what is right for everybody involved based on those values or are they going to collapse into fear and then give into all the Temptations greed selfishness self-preservation taking money from you and justifying it what are they going to do when a conflict hits are they transparent do you know who they are are they pretty clear and honest are they reliable to be who they are and how do they handle criticisms when you have to tell them something harsh something rough something true how do they handle it do they get defensive and angry do they begrudgingly thank you for it and mean it it hurts but they mean it and then they take that criticism well I once had a friend who pretended to keep to his values and my values and he begged me for a chance to make his life better so my wife and I took him in gave him a place to sleep gave him food to eat and we told him you have to get a job not to pay us we don't need your money you need to build a job you need to build discipline you're going to take go with us you're going to go out with us to various events we're going to take care of you we're going to show you I will guide you I will Mentor you into building a life you're proud of not going to force anything down your throat but let's talk about building a life you're proud of and over time you can tell me what will make you proud of you and you will build that life he said yes I need this thank you I was young enough to believe him so he lived with us for about 6 months in that time he got way too comfortable and slid way back into who he was before sneaking out doing drugs hiding it behind my back like as as if I was his dad quit his job hid that behind my back just barely started sliming through life begging money from other people and then eventually started taking things out of my home and selling them for side cash we were wondering why things why things had disappeared So eventually I sat him down and said hey bud I care about you too much to let you keep dragging your life down if you being here is too comfortable and it's ruining your life I need to be your friend and move you along and he didn't didn't take that well either destroyed what was a fake friendship but it saved me from having that person in my life at the same time so I've also had very very good friends that when they fall short on something I go and say look you are better than this I know you are and you need to take care of this I'm not telling you how to live your life but living your life this way not who you should be and not who you are here's who I know you are what do you want to do about this and how can I assist you in living to that and they grit their teeth and they thank me and they do it and those are good friends who are the friends in your life we're going to have to fil filter that really quick now questions to assess the people in your life when you have a conflict with them and you have in the past how have they reacted when you have had a need and you've asked them for help how have they responded now these are needs it's not hey bud can you spot me five bucks this is hey I am devastated right now because I lost somebody important in my life and they say sorry to hear that man but I already have a movie date planned with this new hot chick you can go cry at home for a few hours after your mom has died today were they there for you when they when you needed them really needed them hopefully you're there for them when they need you too reciprocate but how do they treat other people during a conflict when their convenience or pleasure comes into play with a need how do they treat you when they're stressed out how do they treat other people maybe not even you other people how do they act in Conflict observe them because how they treat others is how they eventually will treat you this is why I will never be friends with a man who is cheating on his wife now I'm not saying I would never be friends with a man who has cheated on his wife wife in the past and is now saying I that was wrong and I know that that was wrong here's how I've said it right and here's who I am now okay great now he's a good man great but a man who is currently cheating on his wife and she has no idea and they've got kids and he's currently doing it and lying about it and hiding it I would never be his friend now I will call him out on it and say bro this is not who you are you need to fix this but if he won't step up to that he will eventually treat me that way in some way it's just how people work be aware of it what are your friends stories like listen to the stories that people tell are they problem saturated stories so I I worked many many years as a licensed marriage of family therapist and I studied something called narrative therapy and in narrative therapy we talk about people who have problem saturated stories everything is somebody else's fault everyone is out to hurt them everyone is out to get them everything is awful nothing is their fault and it's all doomed and hopeless anyway so it's all based on fear if your friends have problem saturated stories with everybody else that they've ever known they will eventually turn you into a so story too if they haven't already when you have a need they will use your story as means to get empathy kindness and resources from somebody else to feel better abouts do your friends take ownership if something goes wrong do they say this was me I made this happen here's how I'm going to set it right they don't have to beat themselves down they don't have to gravel and be wretchedly miserable do they take ownership and can they be merciful cooperative and loving when it counts do they cooperate with you during a conflict are they merciful to people people and I don't mean just naive and stupid and just let people be you know they're not a doormat but merciful to someone who makes a genuine mistake or do they go for the throat and loving let's define love it means to do what is truly right for somebody else especially when it costs you something do they do what is truly right for everybody involved in the circumstance themsel and others you don't be a doormat and you also don't attack other people and take from them do they love other people good or bad rate the friends in your life if you aren't sure about any of these or if you're too afraid to ask about them or share your needs with people the problem could be you you need to go back and listen to episode one again and fix that you need to make sure that you are on point and you're actually asking people questions and making sure you're sharing needs otherwise you'll have no idea who the people in your life are and they probably won't have any idea who you are either you're just a big cardboard cutout to them so fix your attachment and lean into this but if you do know these things you need to make sure that you know these things about these people to see if they are worth your time and Trust the questions I just laid out tell you if somebody is worthy of your time and Trust so start leaning into conflicts little ones I don't mean go punch your best friend in the face unless you guys bond that way don't just go start a conflict there's plenty of conflicts out there uh I don't want to eat at that place I'd rather eat at this place is it okay if we make a shift this time we always eat at that place can we try this place for me man hey I can't see you that day because I have this thing going on is that okay hey can we shift this to another night hey I need some help from you hey can you help me out by giving me a referral to somebody who can help me in business little tiny conflicts lean into those and do them and see how they act because you need to know immediately what the people in your life are actually like now if any of these anybody crosses these things we've talked about consistently they are probably not good to have in your life I'm not saying they're evil people but they are probably not good to have in your life and that's a big reason why you are watching this series trying to fix your life if you have a great life great friends great attachment you probably say I don't need to watch that series I'm okay but if you are not you're watching this you're like I need this take a very close look at your friends CU your friends may be a big portion of why you're here right now trying to watch this and trying to get better if people cross these boundaries a lot they are probably very bad to have in your life and you need to clean them out immediately so you're going to have to make a decision about those friends down the line and I'm going to show you how to make that decision here in a little bit for now all I want you to do is start with two two people in your life that you can trust you only need two see if you have two if that sounds like a whole lot of people then we can show you how to make new friends if you're sitting here saying Adam two people would be a miracle okay then that's your problem that's your problem I just saw a creator online today on Instagram and she was posting about the number one dating criteria that a lot of women use if they're looking at you for a committed relationship and she said it's your Social Circles it's the people in your life it's your relationships it's the people you connect with that tells her how you're going to treat her and the seriousness you use in your relationship so many guys get this wrong so if you're excited about the dating portion of this series down in a couple episodes build your Social Circles first because that's the criteria that healthy women are going to look at very important now you need to have two or three good people in your life to fix your attachment issues that can be your friends could be your family could be your romantic partner but if it's your friends it's so much easier I coach so many people fixing through their attachment and friendship is the number one place most of them start because the stakes feel lower you're usually not trying to sleep with your friends and they're not your family you haven't formed problems with them they're a comfortable neutral ground to begin fixing your attachment with where the stakes are lower and the trauma is lower at the same time friends are the best starting place for fixing your attachment I had somebody come into my office one time and say Adam I need help fixing my attachment and I said do you have one friend just one friend that you can open up to and they said I don't know what does that mean so I walked them through the GU guiding questions that we just picked out and they said yeah that is a good person I have one person like that but I'm too terrified to open up to them or anybody else and I always have been because I feel so fake this person by the way ran a hundred million company and was the CEO and had built that this there was no person who had just s sat in a basement smoking pot they had built a gigantic company no friends I pointed them at their friend taught them the conversation to have and they had it and they cried with relief they cried with relief because they finally felt accepted by somebody in their life that's the power of good friendship that's I'm going to show you how to build through the course of this episode here keep watching write down right now anybody in your life anybody who is a good Prospect to open up to and to build those connection points with I'll show you how to do that but right now people who have passed all of these tests so far that we've talked about write down their names give me some names on a piece of paper or on your phone write down the names of prospects in your life that you can talk to so next we're going to talk about testing that bond to see if they really are the right person for you I call this the I am an anxious person speech I teach this inside my coaching it's in the attachment boot camp course it's in my book slaying your fear it's everywhere I teach this because it is the core of testing a relationship and it's the core of fixing your attachment everything begins right here the I am an anxious person speech if possible do this in a video call if if you have to but inperson is very best video call second over the phone if you must never over text message you need to do this in person yeah I am an anxious person speech you need to be in person at as much as possible or visible the non-verbal cues are crucial so you're going to go to this person and sit them down and say this roughly you may already know this about me but I'm an anxious person I overthink relationships all the time I try to tell people what they want to hear I am always scared that people are going to get mad or abandon me or reject me or just be pissed and try to hurt me or just use the truth against me and I know it's irrational and I know you wouldn't do that but I keep trying to I find myself keep trying to do it and I hate it and I never want to do it again so I am telling you because I trust you and I want to build an honest relationship with you from now on I just always want to be honest with you in no more games on my part ever again is this okay and can you hearing this can you still be my friend you're probably hearing this and your heart is pounding out of your chest and you're thinking Adam I will never do this this will make me miserable I will I look stupid people will hate me your brain is designed to hate you and and make you think that you're going to ruin everything because of this because again think back episode one trying to be interesting never expose yourself never open up you're not good enough on your own nobody really wants you if you show them that you are fake sometimes they will realize it and they will turn against you no what people want is for you to be a reliable trustworthy human being with a good value good morals good goals good mission that they can trust that's what you want isn't it people are just like you so what's going to happen is your brain's going to scream at you and tell you that this is never going to work and that they're going to laugh at you they're going to reject you they're not going to be they're not going to want you you'll know that they don't your left brain logical brain is going to say no that's that's not what they'll do at all but your right brain will be screaming at you and your amydala will be firing off your lyic system everything so you get into the conversation and about 3 seconds in they'll be leaning forward they'll look sympathetic their peoples will dilate a little bit they'll be looking at you listening to you very intently they'll caring about you and your brain will start to calm down through the nonverbal signals they'll get through the conversation by the end of it they'll laugh and say yeah I kind of already knew that you were anxious I didn't know it was this bad but yes of course I'm still going to be your friend of course and you're going to get so much relief from this one person when you do this with two people three people this is what really starts fixing your attachment at the beginning and you can feel the relief your chemicals will shift your whole brain will shift your brain freaks out the first time then it calms down and says okay maybe that was a fluke I should never try opening up like this ever again when you open up the second time with somebody your brain will freak out and say no this is it we're going to ruin everything and then it will calm down again and say okay maybe it's like 50/50 I don't know then you'll do it a third time and your brain will freak out not as much and then you'll it'll work and you the person will accept you and still care about you and your brain will calm down again and then it will say I've been wrong all this time and then it will start rewriting all its Pathways and then every honest interaction you have with somebody from that point on will start to heal you and you will start to say at least there are some people in this world who care about me I'm not saying you're going to regain hope in every human every human not saying that but you will at least feel loved you will at least feel worthy and you will at least feel accepted this is a process called called systematic desensitization which is a fancy way of saying doing it over and over and over till your brain stops being scared I had this work with systematic desensitization works for just about everything I worked extensively with trauma victims I worked with people who were shut inss for a long time I would ride the bus with them because they were petrified of the bus they were too afraid to leave their home to go grocery shopping or get on the bus so I would get on the bus with them and ride it with them and the first time they were so terrified that I would have to act completely stupid and obnoxious to make them be embarrassed that they were with me so all they did the whole time was focus on how embarrassing I was acting and they forgot to be scared about the bus and afterward I'd say so were you very scared on the bus and they'd go oh no I guess it was okay and I'd say okay you want to do it again yes but can you not talk as much this time yes I can do that so I'd sit quietly the second time they'd kind of be tense I'd say you doing okay yeah I'm kind of nervous I'd say that's totally normal it's all good don't worry about it we'll write it out end of the second time they'd be feeling better third time so much easier and after that they would laugh because they were never scared again this is your brain learning to trust people it never learned to trust in the beginning now it's going to friendship will do that it will heal you now it is crucial that you have this experience with friends this is one major reason that friendship is so important because you will have blips along the way right a romantic partner May cheat on you your parents maybe screwed things up and were really awful something bad will happen your boss will fire you for no reason your company will go under whatever is going to happen your friends are the people that maintain consistent proof that there are good people in this world people who you can trust people that you can will care about you people you can care about them Mutual fulfillment and mutual care between you based on values goals real honest good things friendship is the constant steady in your life and should be even if everybody else lets you down your friends should not and if they make mistakes you forgive each other and actually make it right two parts there very important here's what's going to happen though as you start making this change your brain chemicals are going to shift so a lot of people with broken attachment they don't have very good oxytocin oxytocin is that thing that little babies get skin-to-skin contact that's one reason why in the first three weeks if you get almost no skinto skin because of nicku you have low oxytocin your brain is now terrified and doesn't understand why your mother has abandoned you in the woods to die your brain is is built for hunter gatherer time sorry um low oxytocin you'll have very little throughout your life and you won't know how to get it vas supress really important bonding or hormone it's it comes out when you solve stress with other people but if you are always afraid that stress is going to destroy everything so you just knuckle under to smooth it over as fast as possible and then solve problems alone or you solve problems alone because you're afraid people will victimize you during the process so you have to solve it and you have to use other people to solve problems as more avoidant attachment you won't get fast supress and bonding either you definitely won't get I won't do the middle finger you definitely won't get Gaba gamma amino byeric acid just Gaba because that flows through oxytocin now Gaba helps stimulate melatonin for good sleep at night it's the hormone it's an actually an inhibitory neurotransmitter it's an active anti-depressant and anti-anxiety medication that you're always taking as long as your oxytocin is high which depends on your attachment so if you have good attachment you have good oxytocin good Gaba good melatonin and all of your brain calms down it's it's literally your brain's way of saying I don't have to be scared or depressed because people love me and care about me so I'm safe and if you don't have all of those things ring finger if you don't have all of those things you are probably not going to have very much serotonin serotonin can release alone but it can also release in a huge way inside healthy loving relationships you probably don't have much if you have broken attachment and poor friendships so of the big five you have dopamine you're binging porn you're binging sugar you're binging just about anything else to feel good dopamine is your course of fuel and motivation throughout the day interestingly coffee you chug down a bunch of coffee it transforms your serotonin into dopamine people wake up first thing in the morning and they're miserable in their life but they pound that caffeine as hard as they can and sometimes Sugar Mountain Dew anybody have you ever seen somebody really depressed drink a ton Mountain Dew sugar for dopamine caffeine for dopamine then they watch porn then they just play video games and they just do nothing but Escape dopamine dopamine dopamine dopamine when you fix your relationships and your attachment all of a sudden your brain has all of them you feel loved and connected to other people through good conversations through hugs through feeling relaxed and safe oxytocin you solve problems with other people vas supress you have Gaba flowing now and your brain is actually suppressing anxiety and depression symptoms so you can focus better and sleep better at night you're getting better serotonin quality which your long-term motivation long-term good feelings not short-term like dopamine not blood sugar up and down but long-term feeling good and dopamine is still there but it doesn't matter anywhere near as much you fix all these things your brain chemistry is now amazing you're going to feel better than ever doing this anxious person speech getting back to that really quick it will prove to you that somebody will take you seriously when you have needs it will make you feel accepted and loved and this overwrites all those old attachment beliefs that you had from your childhood a bit now it's also a very solution focused kind of sharing people say all the time how am I supposed to open up how do I be vulnerable this is solution focused vulnerability I am sharing with you because I trust you I want to make a change here's what I don't like here's what I'm fixing can you still accept me yes great done vulnerability with a purpose focused let me ask ask you this if somebody came to you and said hey man um you may know this about me maybe not but I'm an anxious person and they poured this out to you and they trusted you they said I trust you I want to connect with you more I want to be honest with you I'm sorry that I haven't been I don't like this I'm fixing it can you still be my friend can you accept me would you laugh at them would you say oh this is stupid what a burden would you spit on them would you jump out the window to escape what would you do would you respect them less or more you probably are sitting here saying I would respect them more I would like this this would feel good I wish somebody would come to me and do this because then we could build a connection I could do it back with them they're going to feel the same I've coached so many so many people through this process now over the years you guys so many people and at least half the time people reciprocate and say I feel that way too what's that called attachment I need to learn this thank you for telling me let's both do this together can you hold me accountable too one of my favorite stories is um one of my good friends went to one of my other good friends and did this with him because I was I was guiding him through the process and he said it took him three drinks and he offer he invited his friend out on the balcony and said um I have to I have to tell you something and his friend looked at him drinking hand and he drank that took another drink and said and walked through the I an anxious person's speech and then uh paused and then a very high-pitched voice screeched will you be my friend as rapid and high pitched as possible and his friend said what and he had to repeat it in a calmer voice and his friend said of course I'm your friend and my friend told me he experienced such a A Rush of Acceptance in that moment such a rush of brain chemicals such a rush of relief of being loved that it changed everything for him because he had never felt that before in his life he had always felt like relationships happened to him he had accepted a terrible marriage he had felt so alone and in that one moment with his friend who accepted him it changed everything for him took him three drinks and a high-pitched voice on a balcony to get him there but that's how his friend got him through that and it was a miracle for him now this is only the beginning the I am an anxious person speech it only forms the foundation of a good relationship with somebody you deepen it from here but this sets an easy point to return to during conflicts you could say hey remember when I said I'm going to be more honest with you about conflicts well I have to be honest with you I don't like your new cologne it is the worst thing in the world sorry man I told you I was going to be more honest you can laugh about it um you can also say hey um for me to be more honest here's what I'm going to need you can start sharing needs from here and they can call back to this conversation with you and keep you accountable hey man you said you overthink things and you don't want to do that anymore I see you right now I see the wheels turning just tell me what you mean quit quit playing around just tell me you can both call back to this conversation it's not about being perfect it's about being accepted for being authentic and who you are right goes back to the first six months of your life were you accepted for who you were or did you feel unloved and like you would have to perform for your whole life and act out to get attention we talked about that in step in video One video two here it is with friendship fixing it lean into this with more testing I'm going to show you more later on how to do that exactly now what if you don't have any friends for this a lot of you watching this might say Adam that sounds fantastic I wish I had someone to do the anxious person speech I would do it right now but I don't and I haven't had friends for five years I'm so alone I guess I'm doomed no there's a very very very very very easy method for making friends that all of us have forgotten and I'm going to teach you here today it always always works this is pulled exactly from how kids make friends on the playground they are super good at it they run up to somebody else who has something in common with them and they say hey do you like dinos I do too let's be best friends forever and they will form a 10-year friendship based on dinosaurs kids do this all the time you can this too I'm going to show you exactly how this is going to work you have they have no doubts they have no worries the same method can work for adults too we just need to update it a little bit for adulthood and for 2023 or whatever Year you guys are in right now maybe it's just 100 years in the future I don't know but we will get you there it can always be updated here is something you need to do pick pick something anything that has some kind of social component to it this could be Hobbies like games it could be a craft like crochet it could be a skill like dancing ballroom dancing something like that salsa anything at all it could be martial art Brazilian jiu-jitsu is uh for many men a miracle because they get to go there they have an experience with other guys physical contact fighting they make friends uh Brazilian jiu-jitsu is a huge social piece even just apart from the physical aspects of it the social connection with it can be incredible for some men who are very Alone um maybe it's your religion or relig religion you've been investigating maybe it's volunteering it could be a cause you want to pour yourself into it could even be professional networking in your career learning skills anything like that pick something any of this list rewind listen to that a couple of times pick something that has a social component to it now remember how I said 33% of even just Millennials are so crushingly alone that they are agonizingly depressed and the rest of them are very miserable and gen Z is miserable and older people are Miser remember how I said everybody is miserable and alone people go to social events to meet other people most people can do all of these activities I just listed completely alone in their home they don't do that because they want to meet other people and be around other people when you see social connections and social events happening it is for the sake of connecting with human beings that is what people are there for so pick a social thing and go to any social event that is linked to any of those things you have selected and then do the activity there it could be as simple as board game night at your local game store it could be joining a men's group at your church instead of just going on Sundays join the men's group and go there every Thursday or whatever it is it could be going to a dance class going to a ballroom dance class so many men grow from this you you might be laughing right now but it's an incredible Game Changer it could be growing going to Brazilian jiu-jitsu it could be any of these things go do the activity every time you're there talk to somebody about the activity you are doing like a kid on a playground hey I see you're playing with a dinosaur I love dinosaurs let's talk about dinosaurs for the next three hours go find a place where people are doing things you already enjoy and you're all doing it together and talk about the thing with them isn't this great this is awesome what are you doing there that looks cool hey tell me about that hey what got you into this why do you do this hey this is cool how long you've been doing it what does this mean to you like are you sharing this with people in your life whatever it is talk to them and if you talk to somebody two or three times and it works and you enjoy seeing each other there and they reciprocate they come and talk to you occasionally you guys start gravitating at least to being around each other they get acclimated to their presence you say hey you know what I love talking to you here this is awesome I would love to get to know you outside of this could we go grab a coffee or something and chat a little bit more that simple now how would you feel if somebody did this for you let's say you were at uh dance class martial art uh board game night and somebody talked to you a couple times and say hey you know what I love talking to you can we go have some coffee and get to know each other in a in a different way and be friends you don't have to say in a different way hey can I can we go meet each other and I want to learn who you are outside here is that cool would you be disgusted would you say ew would you say no would you be annoyed you'd probably love it the truth is that everybody just about everybody is out there waiting for somebody to approach them and nobody is willing to do the approach if you are the person who does the approach you are a miracle in somebody else's life go out talk to people then go on that coffee date you don't have to call it a date but go on the coffee date and talk about the shared interest while you're there hey what got you into that you know we both love this thing what got you into that what what about it draws you in how do you want it to be a part of your life what do you see in your life like hey do you have a wife and kids do you have a husband do you have a boyfriend like what are you doing are you including them in it like tell me about you how does this thing fit into your life tell me a little bit more about your life here's about me share stories back and forth that illuminates who you are later on in uh the dating section I'll have my three date method works just as good for friends I'm going to talk to you about that here in a little bit but go out and talk to them about it so as you do this maybe you go on a second coffee date a third coffee date whatever you start asking them those stories about their life to see what their values their mission their honor code all of that is so T tell me a story about you growing up what were you like um what are you doing lately tell me a cool story about you and what you're trying to achieve what are you trying to achieve what have you done lately you're proud of talk to me about you like who are you talk to them and ask them these questions listen to stories remember Listen to Problem saturated stories we talked about that oh everything is terrible this is the only good thing in my life I take this class to escape from my Abus of husband everything's terrible and he was abusive all my boyfriends were abusive before that my mom was abusive everyone is I don't know what I'm doing wrong everyone is awful okay probably not maybe not a good match um problem saturated stories are not what you want that's not what you want to find that's not the people you want to connect to still tell also stories though about you not how much money you make oh look how jacked I am oh I drive a Bugatti no not like impress them with stories tell them stories about your friendships haven't I told you a few stories about my friend ship and relationships here so far I have what did you get out of those stories did you learn about me during that story it didn't just illuminate things it showed you who I am as a person when you I'm not when I'm not here filming who am I out there who am I at home with my friends and family my stories told you didn't they same thing here now this is where most people get it so wrong it is not about being interesting and stimulating to try to get a response or else they'll abandon you that's those mirroring neurons from a from childhood that's the belief that you're not good enough on your own instead remember in the first episode being interesting comes from what does it come from your personal values staying consistent with them and the mission that you are following those are the two parts of you that make you fascinating and wonderful and good healthy people can rely on you for knowing those things about you this is what they want from you good healthy securely attached people don't want to be endlessly stimulated stimulated stimulated that's the dopamine good healthy people want all the other brain chemicals from you which really comes into those deep conversations solving problems together right building emotional connections and safety and being long-term bonded and maybe a little bit of dopamine together once in a while this is what people want from you the five big brain chemicals not just an endless dopamine wave they don't just want that from you it's about chances for bonding and growth and connecting and this just it doesn't require you to be something fancy and interesting it requires you to be the best version of yourself and that's what you're building so once you've got your two or three people picked out you've done that anxious person speech with them you deepen the bond over time secure people do this by sharing problems with each other and getting advice from each other they also share by by sharing the good times together right oxytocin bonding oxytocin is that love hormone and the absence of stress you start oxytocin bonding they bond through sharing good times and they bond through vast depress bonding solving stress together solving problems together getting advice getting Solutions this is vast supressant and oxytocin one two back and forth back and forth this is very important for a relationship we'll talk more about this in dating and in marriage vast supress especially in dating and marriage is really important but it's important in Friendship too times together time solving together two key difference now M sh male relationships especially flourish with vas supress but if you have had poor oxytocin through the course of your life your vas supress receptors will often shift to accom your oxytocin receptors will shift to associate more with vasopressin so you'll be more fixated and more bonded to people that you have solved problems with because you don't trust oxytocin but men naturally have more vast supression receptors anyway in their brains so very very important that you are solving problems together I'm going to talk to you here in a minute about exactly how to do that with people and open up so here's the method step one find any problem you want advice on now this can be anything I suggest you start with very simple problems first things that are not personal like you're wanting to improve at a skill or get better at task or fix a work issue don't go to your friend and say uh hey I need some help I am crushingly alone and I want to kill myself No Maybe not maybe not like a first step friend but build in something hey you know what we're work together together you are really great at this part of the job I I'm still struggling to get there can you teach me a little bit we'll talk about this here in a minute a skill that you want to improve something that they are good at ask them for 10 to 15 minutes of their time hey can I get some feedback on something just just 10 minutes of your time really quick is that cool okay um I have picked you I I want to get advice from you because and you explain I really respect you You're great at the skill you've done something I want to do you've made a an industry shift and I want to do that next um you you coach these people I want to coach those people too um you cook really well and I cook terribly you whatever it is I I I am coming to you because of this this is a compliment to them by the way and then share what you want specifically before you've shared anything in uh Insight feedback you need help deciding something it's not going to become their decision but you need some help deciding it give the exact feedback you want then you talk now you have the talk and you share what you're going to be telling them an example of a talk is this um hey I need to get better at this move in martial arts and you do it really well but I cannot get my hips to move quite like that how do you do that can you give me some insight on that and show me some quick pointers um hey I want to make this quick job change and and I don't know what to do so you have can you give me some insight on that here's the quick situation here's the change I want to make um whatever little changes you want to make the improvements micro improvements over time you are showing them respect you're complimenting them you're telling them exactly what you want from them so they're not trying to guess and feeling overwhelmed by your needs or you're dumping information on them and then you share with them really quick then you ask again for the Insight you follow up for the feedback or Insight hey not what should I do um what would you do in my circumstance can you share some insight with me what's your feedback for me how can how can what what what should I do differently so that I can be more in the way that you are more like you are doing and then you thank them they'll tell you and then you say thank you so much I really appreciate that I'm going to put that to work I'm going to think about it I'll come back and let you know how it goes then later you follow up and you say hey thank you so much for your advice last week that was incredible I did this this and this and it worked out so well thank you so much the followup is a big piece too now what happens here is you have respected them you've respected their time you have complimented them you have shown them that you are a person who's solution focused you have shown them that you are a person who pays attention to them and other people you've shown them that you are someone interesting for them to keep in your life because you're going to make changes that are good and the same way that they have made changes but it also builds their affection for you they want to kind of start seeing you in because now they're invested in your winning a little bit they will also bond to you and it will increase the relationship on both sides you will trust and respect them more over time as their advice helps hopefully it does you've also showed them that you're grateful for their time and you respect them through that later they can reciprocate hey uh really quick I gave you that advice can you give me some I I have this problem and you've solved that can we help each other can we solve this problem together reciprocation creates a spiral of bonding now most people don't realize how the male brain works especially the male brain all human brains but especially the male brain we are solution finding machines and we are meant to click in with a network of other male brains who have found Solutions podcasts are a great example of this this is connecting to the one data node into a cluster that has all this information that ripples outward right when when podcast hosts bring on guests they are clicking a huge amount of information into that data node cluster and everyone who listens it ripples outward so everyone shares all those Solutions this is why we don't have to reinvent fire this is why we don't have to figure out how a toothbrush works this is why we have shoes to wear and we know how to tie those shoes we share Solutions without having to reinvent over and over and over it is incredibly important that you do this and our brains are meant to bond through this process as well by trusting each other and saying you are quality let's click in together and share Solutions as you reciprocate that builds the connection people have probably tried to do this with you and you've shared information with them and then never reciprocated with them ever and the message you sent was that you didn't want to create a relationship with them you're probably like face palming right now thinking about all the times that people have done this with you and you never reciprocated now you're lonely big part of the problem right here so fixing this is going to be very important follow this step how do you decide what to talk to people about how do you decide when to increase the relationship how do you decide that somebody is a better friend than somebody else how do you decide when to click them up the the hierarchy of trust there's four levels of trust I want to teach you the four levels of trust today this is going to help you out a lot fear of rejection is going to start going away after this especially the four levels of trust are shared values that they are both you are both consistent with you're doing this with each other do you have have the same values and are you both consistent with those values when the stress hits do you both keep to those values very important this is level one you can't have any relationship with somebody based on any kind of trust if the values are not there at least they have to be you can't even respect somebody who doesn't have your values to be honest with you you can care about them but you may not respect them you probably won't do they at least share your values and stick to them when it counts that's level one level one TR level two do you have parallel goals not the same the same is helpful but parallel so that you can at least not be working against each other right and are you both consistent with that mission that goal do you chase it the closer they are the better friends you can be usually the close the more time you'll spend together the more you help each other the more you'll vast supress and bond solving problems together but parallel goals at least that you both stick to consistency and reliability these two levels are about consistency and reliability so that you can actually have trust once you have that level three Mutual acceptance can you be honest with them about your shortcomings can they be honest with you about their shortcomings and can neither one of you enable each other you can accept each other where you are but you also hold each other accountable for getting stronger and you accept each other as you are imperfectly hey here's something about me the anxious person speech here's what I'm going to be here's how I'm going to change can you accept me over time I'm going to keep growing yes awesome Mutual acceptance can you guys talk about the things that are not perfect in you and accept each other for it and call each other on it and move forward as good friends great level four the highest level Mutual fulfillment can you stop with each other and say hey you know what I want to be a good friend to you what are how can I be a good friend to you what do you need from me hey I need this can you help me with this right sharing of deep personal needs do they reciprocate they don't just take take take and they don't just give give give do you guys reciprocate Mutual care how can I be a good friend to you right you make a mistake and they come to you and say hey I don't like this okay how do I not just make it better but how do I make sure I never do this again in the future great you solve it together Mutual fulfillment and they actually act upon that so they care for you this is actually love this is how you understand somebody loves you as a person moves through these levels you will share more personal details with them so at level one they have shared values cool you ask them about work and little things like that maybe work relationships level two life missions and parallel missions you ask them more about like work relationships really important relationships that aren't maybe romantic yet or you ask them about more personal details level three Mutual acceptance you can start asking them for help on improving yourself going through your values your goals your missions you start actually taking more life advice from them at level three level for Mutual fulfillment okay now I need to start talking to you about like let me be honest with you about my marriage here's where I'm at what do you think I should do on this piece what would you do how can we fix this hey this thing with my kids hey blah blah blah blah blah whatever those things are level four is the deepest level of trust that's why you don't share the deepest problems with them yet build the four levels of trust and that will show you exactly what to do and when to share this four TR four levels of trust method shows you what people want from you in return after you fixed your own self in the previous video how do you stack up now in these four levels are you capable of being consistent with your values consistent chasing your V your mission can you accept other people people with broken attachment are really great at this one to be honest because you have compassion because you understand what it's like and level four can you open up and work on Mutual fulfillment with other people people don't want you to be interesting and stimulate them they want the four levels of trust this is what people want this is what friendship is supposed to be based on so how do you stack up measure yourself 1 to 10 in each of the four categories how are you with consistency in your values how are you consistency with your mission and goals how are you in consistency with mutual acceptance of other people and being accountable yourself to grow and taking criticism and number four how are you at being mutually uh fulfilled together sharing your needs with others and asking them how you can help them one to 10 each of those four give yourself that score maximum 40 from 0 to 40 is your score in a friendship from 0 to 40 is somebody else's score with you they don't have to be perfect they should aim for like eight out of 10 on each of those four and you move them up into the next category but the closer they are to 10 out of 10 the better this is what you offer to people in friendships by the way is these four levels of friendship the four levels of trust this is what securely attached healthy people actually want from you that will make them want to connect with you and bond with you not constant dopamine stimulation they want all those other pieces this is what you offer don't forget this now friends are going to be a huge part of your driving process especially in dating friends are going to be gigantic in your dating very very important you don't even know yet you're probably listening to this saying what do friends have to do with dating everything so do not miss the next episode because we're going to be talking about dating in the modern world how to make it happen I'm going to teach you especially my three- dat method that's going to filter out the crazies who are going to hurt you but also attract the people that you really want to be around so don't miss that episode and in the meantime make sure that you check out the attachment boot camp video course it will be linked down below if you want the full course on fixing your attachment in every area of your life check it out and otherwise I will see you in the next episode about dating [Music] n