Why Men Hate Getting Married (Hilarious Truth) - Drew Thomas (StandUpComedy)

White people have extra bedrooms, extra pillows, they'll take your shoes and your keys from you. You're not going anywhere. Go upstairs, the first bedroom on the right, there's a dresser in there, there's pajamas, put those on. Those belong to Dave. He's dead. I'm just glad to be here. It's been a rough two years. I mean, we're just getting back to work. When this thing started, we didn't know what to do. They were trickling down the instructions slowly. My friends were wiping their grapes down with disinfectant wipes. I'm like, it's not for the grapes. It's for countertops and boxes. But we didn't know what to do. They were trickling the information out slowly. We had to start waking up early to travel to a town over just to get cleaning supplies. Nobody had a pandemic amount of Lysol. Most of us had a little can in the kitchen sink, rusty, maybe good for like two more bathroom trips, but not a pandemic amount. Now you up early in the morning willing to go everywhere. If I didn't have white friends, I wouldn't have got cleaning supplies because white women knew the truck schedule. You had to know the truck schedule, like Dollar General get a truck on Tuesday. Walmart get a truck on Thursday. Grocery stores get trucks on Sunday nights. Thank you, Carol. It got serious. The supply chain got tight. They changed the rules. They said senior citizens can shop at seven o'clock in the morning. I'm down at the grocery store like I'm a teenager buying cigarettes. I'm like, I don't have my ID, but could you get me two cans of Lysol when you go in? I'll give you money so you could get a can, but if you could get me two cans, me and my buddy will be on the side of the building. It was rough. People didn't even know they had black neighbors till everybody started staying home from work. You didn't know who lived next to you. We were all living our life. You just saw cars come in and out. We were all living. Nobody knew who their neighbors were. Happened to me. I live in Atlanta in a fancy subdivision. I'm a comedian. My sister's a flight attendant. We travel all the time. Now everybody was home from work. They weren't ready for that. I'm home one day, and the cops come knocking on the door. I go answer the door. I say, hey, officer, what seems to be the problem? He said, I need to see your ID. I said, I didn't know you could just go to people's houses and ask them for their ID. What seems to be the problem? He said, well, a neighbor called and said she saw a brown bear in sweatpants. I'm like, I haven't seen this brown bear, but I'll keep my eye open, because we do have kids in the neighborhood. The country's making progress, but you can still tell that we have a way to go. You know, I got into Utah yesterday. I get on the hotel. A white older lady gets on the elevator with me, and all of a sudden, she clutches her purse. It made me feel some type of way, and then it made the whole situation uncomfortable, because I'm pulling, she's pulling. I'm pulling, she's pulling, I'm pulling. Just let go of the purse. You're making this way too difficult, way too difficult. No need. It was rough. Traffic was the best it's ever been in Atlanta in 20 years. You could get anywhere in 15, 20 minutes. It was amazing. The parking lots were just filled with masks and eyelashes. Nobody was out. And then I started thinking about you guys. I started thinking about married people stuck in the house together eight, nine, ten months. Same face, same face, same face. You really gotta like that face. For the first time in 10, 15 years, some of you wives were saying things like, my husband's eyes are close together. You just never really looked at him like that before. You never really stared at him. Now you're sitting here going, what did I do? But you can't go nowhere. You got three kids, and two of them look like him. You can't do your oldest daughter like that. We didn't know what to do. Somewhere in the middle of it, somebody thought it was a good idea to turn all the parents into teachers. The black community lost their mind. These mothers were naked in the background smoking blunts. I'm like, I didn't know you was in class, baby. This isn't right. Then the vaccine came. Some people were happy. Some people weren't happy. I was happy because I said, now we can start visiting each other again. We haven't been to nobody's houses in over a year. I haven't been to my white friend's houses in a year. That's the only place you can get their sausage. And I love going to my white friend's houses. When you go to white people's houses and tell them that you like something, they let you have it. And I got a lot of nice stuff in my house. Try it. Just go to one of your white friend's house and be like, Bob, that's a nice paint. You like it? Drew, take it. I think I will, Bob. I think I will. Take that paint. And that's a nice lamp, too. As a matter of fact, all this stuff is nice, Bob. I like all this stuff. Back the car up. So I'm at the point in my life where there's things I do with my white friends I don't do with my black friends, and vice versa. I'm not mean. It just comes from my experiences. If I'm out drunk, I like to be at my white friend's house. White people make you pancakes in the morning with whipped cream, strawberries, chocolate chips in them. I like that. Black people not going to make you pancakes in the morning because they're really not prepared for you to stay. White people have extra bedrooms, extra pillows. They'll take your shoes and your keys from you. You're not going anywhere. Go upstairs. The first bedroom on the right, there's a dresser in there. There's pajamas. Put those on. Those belong to Dave. He's dead. Get yourself some rest, and I'll make you pancakes in the morning. And I'm like, I'm just glad me and dead Dave the same size. People think we're so different, but we're not. It's just little differences. Like, white people, you're prepared to be drunk better than we are. I used to think you just like to do a lot of outdoor activities. That's why you have canoes on the top of your cars and mountain bikes on the back, and then I realized that's not what it's for. They're prepared to be drunk. Talking to one of my white friends the other day, I said, what'd you do last Friday? He said, man, I got so drunk, drove my truck into a lake, I just got in my canoe and paddled the rest of the way home. And I'm like, I would've drowned because I don't have no canoe on the top of my car. We say different things when we're drunk. If I was hanging out with a couple of brothers end of the night, you could hear things like, you got your license? You got any warrants? Take the bullets out the gun. White dudes, you say stuff like, if the moose in the road, I'm riding it. This is a true story. I heard that it's a party in Wisconsin. I'm like, I'm going with these dudes. I've never seen nobody ride no moose. Like, hold on, fellas, I'm coming. Let me get my hat. White people that got houses with three garage doors, that's where you keep your spaceship. A lot of people don't know that. They think it's for golf carts and boats, but that's where you keep your spaceship because you're going to leave Earth and go to another planet, and I'm coming. I try to tell my black friends all the time, you need white friends with spaceships. White people are cool, but they only going to take one black person per spaceship. And I don't want to be the only black person on the new planet. Somebody's moon rock come up missing, here we go with this piece of goo. I didn't come here for this. You guys are awesome. It's true stuff. I thought about you guys a lot. I said, the married people stuck at home, I want to be like them. I envy these guys. Some of you don't even dress yourselves anymore. You just wear the next clean shirt. I want that. Then I'm like, where do you go to find this wife? You can go to clubs or bars. I don't like going to nightclubs. Nightclubs are filled with single mothers and liars. There's a lot of single mothers in the club, and overall single mothers are doing a good job, but the world is crazy, and you need to wait a while before you introduce these guys you're dating to your kids. I went out with this single mother two times. I'm at work. The school called me to come pick up her son. You can't put my name on the list to come pick up your son. I only seen this dude two times in the dark at your house. They wear uniforms now. They got the same little haircut. I might pick up the wrong kid. Now this dude is on my backseat wheezing. I don't need that. But I'm scared. I'm not afraid to admit it. Marriage is a major decision. How many times in your life do you want to lose half your stuff? And I'll share with you what scares me the most. What scares me the most about marriage is the fact that men and women don't even look at marriage the same way. When women talk about marriage, it's a happy occasion. I'm getting married. I got my ring. I got my colors picked out. I got four of my fat friends to stand next to me. It's going to be a beautiful day. No, their dress is ugly. Mine is pretty. But it's not the same for the men. When men talk about marriage with our friends, it sounds like something you get diagnosed with. Did you hear what happened to Charles? No, what? He's getting married. No! I just seen him last week. When did he find out? She told him yesterday at dinner. Is there anything that we could do for him? No, the invitations already went out. There's nothing we can do. That's rough. I live in Atlanta. You'd think it'd be easy to find somebody in Atlanta. We have every group represented. We got the LBGTQ community. But it's 2022. You can't offend anyone. You can't step on anybody's toes. If you meet somebody in Atlanta that's attractive, you have to say things like, how long have you been a woman? That's a legit question in Atlanta. If you've been doing this for 10, 15 years, I might be okay with it. But if this is your first date, I don't want no parts of this. I could tell you just bought these heels. You really can't walk in them. You still saying things guys say, like race you to the car. I don't know women say race you to the car. But I practice what I preach. The older I get, I realize nobody wants to die alone. You have to be open-minded to dating people from different races, different religions, different age ranges. I used to date a Muslim girl. She came to me early in the relationship and said, would you consider becoming Muslim so we could get married? And I was like, no, I'm a Christian. I just want one wife and a girlfriend. Who wants four wives? I was raised right, you know.