The Marriage Stories Nobody Wants You To Hear _ Stand-Up Comedy Compilation

We went on our honeymoon in St. Lucia and I had never even heard of St. Lucia before I booked the trip. It just sounded real fancy. I was like, oh St. Lucia, book it. Like I thought it was going to be these luxurious white sandy beaches and like beautiful clear water and we landed. It was actually kind of a little third-worldy. Felt more like a missions trip. Thought we were going to build a well before we left. And people ask me like, who's your husband? Who is this guy? Tell us about him, right? Well, it's actually kind of funny because I used to do a joke on my first DVD where I talked about Christian rap music and Christian rappers. I'm like, it's so cheesy. Like what are you going to do? Bust a cap in the devil? Right, like what's your name? Ludacrist. Coming to the stage, Jesus. So of course the person I'd end up marrying is a Christian rapper. Joke's on me. Oh, you're funny Jesus. When we first started dating, I was kind of embarrassed to tell my friends and my family because like I knew I had the joke. I knew they knew I had the joke. So I was just trying to avoid it. Then my cousin Joe, he's like, who is this guy? What does he do? I was like, oh, um, he's in a band. Cool, what does he play? Uh, play, play, play, play, play. Um, I don't really know if he's athletic or not. No, instrument. Oh, instrument. You said play. That can mean like 20 things. People say my husband looks like Lenny Kravitz. Yeah, I'll take it. White people will say he looks like Lenny Kravitz. Black people say he looks like Maxwell. Any black guy with afro, he look like him probably. But funny thing is, he's not even black. He's Puerto Rican. My husband is very smart and very quiet and an introvert and does very well. And um, uh, and then married me and, and we've been exactly the opposite, but it has worked. Um, he's a big man. He's 6'4". He can kick a door in and I like that. Um, he works like a dog and he loves a baby. Let me tell y'all that he is a baby cuddler at Easton C. Children's Hospital. He cuddles the drug dependent babies every week of the world as a volunteer. Oh no, sweet. He didn't help me with mine because he was out making a living and paying for all this. We've got two still in college and, and I wanted a fourth baby so bad when my baby child went to kindergarten. I nearly grieved myself to death. I thought, Lord, what am I going to do with all this time on my hands? I hope I don't get hooked on whiskey and start honky-tonking. And about three weeks into her going to kindergarten, I was like, wahoo, wahoo, now I can go get a pap smear without somebody sitting on my head. But my husband, when I dropped her off, we, he said, meet me at the IHOP because he knows that pancakes get me through a hard time. I was crying and I said, I want another baby. And he said, why don't you get a job? I said, I want a fourth baby. And he said, y'all are sucking the financial life out of me. So he bought me a Dachshund. I had that Dachshund for years. She's gone now, but let me tell you, she and I both got thyroid issues. She had cushions. I was walking her in our neighborhood one day and a little girl came out in her driveway and she said, can I pet your groundhog? Oh, y'all. So about my husband. All right. So my husband is a big man and is 6'4". I'm 5'8". We breed big kids and we wanted them to be in sports when they were growing up. And so we made them do all kinds of mess they didn't want to do. And we put our boy, when he was a little bitty, we put him in t-ball. He hated it. I don't know if any of y'all have had a baby play t-ball, but for those of you who don't know, t-ball season, it's about 110 degrees outside. It's little children that are four, look like they've got a diaper on under their baseball pants or pull up. The games last about three hours. Nobody ever hits the ball, throws the ball, catches the ball, makes contact with the ball. My baby laid in a fetal position in the outfield the entire season. He never touched a ball. Every once in a while he'd pop his little head up and say, water. One game it was so hot and I told the middle one to go out and take her brother a water bottle. She was about two and a half and she went walking out there with a tutu and a crown and a wand and her pink prostitute shoes from Walmart. She walked about halfway, stopped, got a glazed look over her eyes, pulled her little panties to the side and pooped in the t-ball field. She really did. So I had to run out there and get a stick and flick it into the woods because I didn't want another child to step in it or think it was a milk dud. Don't be mad. Don't you want to get married? No. Nobody gets married for the first time at 70. No. No. Not unless there's a verified pension and a diagnosis. Just don't do it. And then I said, honey, you get married when you're young and you have your whole life ahead of you and you have all this these dreams and the aspirations and you have somebody to share all that with and then you grow old together and you blame them for the ---- you didn't get to do and that's growing old. That's marriage. I said, you know, at 70 I am not bringing much to the table. You know, maybe the smell of CBD oil and Altoids, that's pretty much it. You know, they try so hard though. They do try hard. My birthday last year, they got me a gift card for a tattoo. You know I'm coming to you. Now you have beautiful tattoos on your arms and wherever I can see. Ah, and that's your generation. I understand that. Did you design those? You came up with a design. You found something that could match your concept. This gift card's $100. So they're cheap bitches on top of that. They're driving me crazy. I haven't had, they want me to give it back to them. I'm going to give it to the guy living down the end of my block. Honest to God, I'm not going to give back to him. What are you going to have done? What are you going to have done? Well, I don't know what I'm going to have done. Maybe I'll have my upper lip put back on my ******* face. But it's gone. It came off with a mask. And then I became an Amish man. I've never had so much facial hair in my whole life. That is not easy to pluck either. You can pluck it all you want, but honest to God, it hurts, doesn't it? Hurts like a senator. You get older, it just doesn't cut, and it's long. It made me question my pronouns. Needle nose pliers. I stopped tugging. I just realized every time I tugged really hard, my left breast would go up. So I just started tying them off. So anyway, they want me to have... I don't want it. See, I don't want symbols. This skin's not coming back, honey. I've lost a lot of weight, and there's not a spank in the world that's going to hold this ---- up. Do you understand what I mean? So I'm just... And I don't want pictures, and I don't... I told my niece, just to make her crazy, my youngest, I get a... Help me with this. Tramp. Tramp stamp. That's it. See, that's the perfect place for an older person to put their tattoos. Back here. You put your social security numbers back there. You put your blood type. In case of emergency, phone number. You can put your allergies down your butt cheeks. Because this is... No, it's a... There's a good chance when I wander away from the home, I'm going to be naked. My sweet Irish niece calls me up. She goes, I know what you should have done. You have to have the Irish prayer tattooed on your body. I said, no words. There's no words going on this body. Are you kidding me? Someday somebody's going to be putting me on a bedpan, and I don't want that conversation to start with, hey, what's your tattoo say? It says faster. I get away with a lot of stuff. I do. I'm looking at my friends up here with the silver. You have beautiful hair. Did you guys go gray fairly early in your life or no? See, I started going gray when I was 18. Oh yeah, seriously gray. My mom and dad were both salt and 30. It was hereditary. Back in the 60s, gas was 23 cents, but you'd dye your hair at the hairdresser. It was 25. That was a lot of money. Then it was $35. Then it was $45. Then it was $55. Then you're doing blow jobs for root jobs. I got bad knees. It wasn't paying off. Finally, when I first do a standup, everybody goes, you got to dye your hair. You're in the show business. I don't care. I get away with so much. We get away with ----. We do. I have guys running across the parking lot to open the door for me. If they're not running, I'm going, hey. It's amazing. It's amazing. I forget I'm gray. This happened at the grocery store. I hate the grocery store, by the way. I used to love it. I don't like it anymore. One thing you don't see at the grocery store anymore since COVID is you don't see that little cart that looks like a little car that you put the little ADD people in. Then you just drag them by ---- they can't have until they work themselves into such a frenzy. Prior to COVID, if I was in the aisle with those kids and they're having a meltdown, I was the next target always. You're a fatty. You're a fatty. You're a fatty. You're a fatty. Slow your roll, tiger. Come on now. That's not nice. Don't say that. No, no. There's no Santa. Yeah, no. We're both living with disappointment, aren't we? When they had all those kids, those little 14-year-old kids that they would hire to go get the carts that I put behind your SUVs, they overhire them at my store every year. Then they'd say, don't look busy. You got to look busy. They would wait for older people to start walking into the store so they could just ambush us. You're going into the store and they're, hi, how are you? Fine, everything? Oh my God. I'm fine. Leave me alone. I've done this before. In Chinook Winds, which is on the Oregon coast, this casino. I'm down there and this guy comes up to me. I love men because at this age, they don't know they're old. They just think they're in there. They just have the confidence. It's just amazing. This guy comes over. He's got his walker. He's got both his hearing aids in. He's wearing some kind of bag. I'm not paying attention. Then he's wearing most of his lunch down the front of him. He comes over and he puts his arm around me. He goes, I'm going to take you to dinner. I go, okay. Where should we go? Well, can you drive at night? I'm your girl. It's crazy. I'm glad I'm down here though. I'm glad I had to do this today because I, I'm getting out of something. I got out of a family vacation. I don't have kids that I know of. I should probably tell you that. The 80s are a little hazy. I have nieces and nephews that are my heart. I love them very much. They're very sweet people. But let me tell you something. I'm the auntie that everybody remembers did the stupid things on the vacation. You know, they ended up in the hospital or ended up at the, you know, this guy, or I hurt one of the kids somehow without, you know, and when, no matter how much you get together, your family, if you're that person, that's all they want to talk about. They all remember that time, you know, yeah, I remember it. I wish you would just not. And so we went to Bend about 20 years ago. And that's where my family is this weekend. They're over in Bend, Oregon. And about 20, 25 years ago, we went over there. The kids were little and I wanted to be the fun aunt. So they said, we're going to go horseback riding. Okay. Okay. And so I was a good aunt. Everybody got on their horses and then they brought mine out. And I'm not lying. This should have been pulling a plow and a truck. It was the biggest horse I've ever seen in my life. The Clydesdales look small compared to this horse. And I'm standing there and they, this is my horse. Okay. This is my horse. And then the genius, the stirrup's up here. The stirrup is right here. And the guy goes, just put your foot up there. And you just bounce a couple of times and you throw your leg over. I get my leg up there, I wouldn't be riding a horse. I'd be a trucker's wife. So I turned to this mental genius and I said, I'm going to need some help. I am not lying. Six guys. It took six guys. We had three on one side pulling and, and three more on the other side pushing and shoving. And that hasn't happened since high school and high school. You get it anyway. So I, uh, I, I had to get on the float anyway. So they got me, they got me on this thing. And when I say this is a big horse, this horse has also been eating for about nine years without moving. It was as wide as it was tall. And I'm not sure. I'm not, I got a three inch inseam. And so I got on this damn horse and I, I go, what do I do with my legs? He goes, just wrap. I can't bend my knees. I look like Barbie mountain kid in 1958. Unbelievable. And then, and then one of my nieces thought it'd be funny. So she slapped the back of the horse and we started to drive. I caught an earring in the tail and I got dropped for like 350 feet. Like my tits can rototill. Just no, I don't want to go in the family vacation. Thank you very much. I love my knee. I love them. No, they, they, they keep me young. They, they try to keep me young. I, uh, during COVID, uh, they drove me crazy. They were afraid I was going to be lonely. You guys, I've lived alone forever. Don't bother me. I got ---- to do. This is the same day. Did some different stuff. It's not a problem for me. And they kept calling me up going, are you alone? No, I'm not lonely. Leave me alone. You know, they saw all of a sudden I started getting emails from YouTube that I'm taking a macrame class. Do you know what macrame is? Well, you tie ---- together and hang your dignity from it. I'm telling you. If you have a grandparent, I mean, they take, they've given up. Do you understand? They've just given up. It's just, it's what we used to do with shade carpeting when we're stoned. That's good right there. I like that one. Honest to God, here's the worst one. Uh, they signed me up for silver singles. Do y'all know what silver singles is? It's a dating app for old people. Now they did it during COVID because they knew I wouldn't ever go on a date. So they, I wouldn't have to see the people. So they thought I said, first of all, I was so mad. I started getting emails from desperate old gentlemen and I was reading them and I felt bad because I didn't know if the guy liked me or you just had a tremor and swiped right. You know what I'm saying? I'm just, yeah, that deserves so much more than you gave me. So anyway, so now I'm a, I'm getting, and I call my oldest niece. She's, I have, I have four nieces and at this time she was 48. I had two 46s and a 32. Sounds like a bra drawer, doesn't it? Anyway. So I call my oldest niece and I go, what the hell did you do? She goes, oh, are you getting emails? I go, yeah. What did you think? She goes, I said, what picture did you use? She says, Suze, honestly, don't be mad. Don't you want to get married? No. Nobody gets married for the first time at 70. No. No. Not unless there's a verified pension and a diagnosis. Just don't do it. And then, uh, and then I said, honey, you get married when you're young and you have your whole life ahead of you and you have all this, these dreams and aspirations and you, you have somebody to share all that with. And then you grow old together and you blame them for this ---- you didn't get to do. And that's, that's, that's growing old. That's marriage. I said, you know, at 70, I am not bringing much to the table. You know, maybe the smell of CBD oil and Altoids. That's pretty much it. I think I gravitate towards Filipinos cause we're very similar. Mexicans, Filipinos are very similar. You know what I mean? Like we have big families. Y'all have big families. We live at the same house. Y'all live at the same house. Very similar. One of my good friends, she's Filipino, right? And, uh, one day her grandma was driving and she probably shouldn't have been, but she was. And, uh, you may think you know where I'm going with a joke, but you don't. So just wait for it. So her little Filipino grandma, she's driving and all of a sudden she hit a dog. I know it was really sad, but her response to that was, sorry, dog. Sorry, dog. So at least she apologized. And now I just use that in everyday life. Like if I trip over something, I'm like, sorry, dog. I feel like all my Filipino friends are real jumpy. Like they get scared real easily. Like my friend Penny, she's Filipino. She gets scared of everything. You don't have to do anything scary. Just walk around the corner unannounced. You scare me, huh? Filipinos go through like 10 different scared facial expressions. One time I was at the mall at like Orange Julius or something and there's a little Filipino lady working the register, right? And she went to hand me my receipt, but it dropped. So she goes, just a receipt. I got it. Yeah. So we don't want no kids. And my husband and I, we're still real new, right? Like we just got married last summer. We had just moved in together. So we're still like figuring each other out, right? Like our little things we do, our little rules we have, right? Like for instance, like my toothbrush, right? I like to be the only one that uses my toothbrush. Let me tell y'all how this all started between me and my husband. We met at the He was so tickled with me. Okay. He was getting an MBA. I was finishing up my undergraduate. He is so smart and such an overachiever that he had already gotten an undergraduate, worked for two years and got an MBA. I was just finishing mine up, my undergraduate, cause I'm so fun. And, um, I thought, Oh my gosh, he is so smart. He can do math. He can, he can reconcile a checkbook. There's no telling where we're going to go, what we're going to see, what we're going to, how we're going to live. Well, we graduated and he decided to buy a used mobile home business in bean station, Tennessee. And I know y'all don't know where bean station is in the foothills of the Appalachian mountains. Did any of y'all ever see deliverance? I think they filmed that there. Beautiful, beautiful lakes and pretty and all that. But so he moved me there and he wanted me to be in sales for him at this used mobile home business. So I did that day until I saw a family drive up in a Gremlin with the wind out and a nine-year-old smoking a cigarette. That's the truth. She lit it off of her Meemaw and that's her grandmother. Do I need an interpreter? Okay. She lit it off her grandmama. And so I quit that day and I went home and I got pregnant that night. All right. I had three babies in four and a half years. Yeah, it hurt. It did. I was pregnant and or breastfeeding for six straight years in the foothills of the Appalachian mountains. And let me tell y'all when I found out about my third baby, I feel terrible how I reacted, but I was so overwhelmed and so tired, but I knew that day I didn't feel right. I thought, what is wrong with me? I'm tired and I kind of feel sick. And I thought, oh my gosh, surely I'm not pregnant this quick after this, you know, cause my girls were 20 months apart. So I had to know I was crazy. I drove to the Walmart in the foothills of the Appalachian mountains and I took my two babies with me in the diaper bag and all that stuff you take with you. And I went into the Walmart and bought an EPT pregnancy test. I took it in the stall and I tinkled on it. And my three-year-old boy looked at me. He said, what is it positive? And it was. And I drove home just as fast as I could. And I called my husband at work and I said, you're trying to kill me, aren't you? Well, you're not going to, cause I'm going to walk out in the woods and let the animals eat me. But y'all little mamas probably know what I'm talking about. It's so overwhelming. We would be in the grocery store and my three-year-old little boy, so yummy, so sweet, would be in Superman panties with doo-doo balls falling out at the grocery store. I think, oh my gosh, did anybody see that? I don't have anything in my purse to pick it up with. It's some little child going to think it's a milk dud. Just keep on moving everybody. Just keep on moving. Oh me. All right. Now they are grown and I cannot believe it. It just flew by. My boy is 24 years old and he is married. He got out of college. He met his college sweetheart, his freshman year. He never, he said he would never marry young, but he did. And he brought her home. And I, all right, who in here has had boys and girls? Can you clap? Okay. Who do you think is easier to raise? I mean, just yell it out. Boys or girls? Boys. Boys. Every once in a while, a little frail woman will yell, girl. And she's probably being threatened. But anyway. This guy, I don't know how he grew up. Like maybe they're on a budget or something. But like he comes to me the other day. He's like, hey babe, can I use your toothbrush real quick? I said, what? Like that's the option for you? Like you're thinking about it? Sick. What? It's just like kissing. We kiss. It's the same thing. I do not scrape off your tartar with my tongue. I mean, I know I'm pretty amazing, but I'm almost positive I cannot prevent cavities. My husband likes to leave his shoes right in the middle of a walkway. Like as soon as you open the door, boom, shoes. Now you couldn't kick them off to the side. That was hard to do. So all throughout the house, I just trip over shoes like, oi, sorry dog. And we're still real new. So like, I still try to look cute when I sleep. I'll probably grow out of that one real quick. But right now I still try to look cute, right? But it's kind of hard because I sleep with Invisalign trays in my mouth. So sometimes when I wake up, my lip will get stuck to the plastic tray. I wake up looking like Fire Marshal Bill. Like full on, let me show you something. My face will be all greasy. That's not cute. So when I feel myself starting to wake up, like I'll fix my lip real quick. I put grease on my lip like it's gloss. Make it work. Make it work. And we're pretty good with decision making, right? Like he'll come to me with stuff. I'll come to him with stuff, like teamwork, you know. But every now and then he'll try to go off and do his own thing. Like recently we just bought some curtains for the house. And I told him, I said, when you're at the store, take a picture of him and send it to me before you buy it, right? But he forgot that part. So I came home to these gaudy Armenian curtains hanging in my house that are like two feet too short. I got high water curtains. That first thing, my brother came over the house. He's like, uh, why you got capri pan curtains? My husband and I travel a lot for work. He travels with music. I travel with jokes. And sometimes we'll go to like some small town, like nobody has ever heard of this town. Like these people haven't even heard of their own town. And when you fly to a small town, you have to fly on a small plane. And I went to a town recently where the plane I was on, I don't even think it had an engine. I'm pretty sure it was a paper plane. Like it just had two propellers out front. Like as you step onto the plane, you had to take turns spinning the propeller. Like it's the price is right. I checked my seat assignment. It says shotgun. They had one flight attendant. She was wearing regular clothes and a name tag. Like real suspicious. And I fly a lot. So I'm used to the way things work on an airplane, right? I'm used to the announcements they make like flight attendants prepare for landing. I'm used to hearing that kind of stuff. Right. But on this plane, we've got a different announcement. It sounded more like Stephanie, we're coming in. Stephanie. What's this a family on plane? Stephanie, if you've any more of that potato salad you made for the church picnic last week, you bring it on up to the cockpit. Thank you. I want to rant like gossip for a second. The whole J-Lo and Ben Affleck. Oh, you know, we've been watching this. On the low. They're kissing in Miami. Oh, my God. I watch it 300 times. Okay. First of all, I'm a huge J-Lo fan. I ******* love her. Bronze, bronze. I just adore her. And I like the fact that she left A-Rod. I like **** A-Rod. I mean, you're a nice guy, I'm sure. But he's gone. I'm glad he's gone. A-Rod is corny to me. He was very close to being the first Latino my pillow guy. Was he not? He's very close to selling frying pans at QVC. He's not the one, J-Lo, is all I'm saying. In that video, that video of her and Ben kissing, people lost their mind. And her son was in the video. He popped in and popped out. And they were like, how can you make out with a new boyfriend, new-ish, in front of your boyfriend? You can make out with your boyfriend in front of your kids if he's ******* Batman. He's Batman. Yes, you can make out with your boyfriend if he's Batman. I see your faces like, Jackie, Batman is not real. Neither are J-Lo's relationship, but we're having a good time. We're having fun. Let's enjoy it. Side note, sorry. I just love J-Lo. Talk about it. Because I don't really date. I don't like the whole, the awkwardness and the fakeness. I rather just play around until I fall in love. I'm a happy single girl. I'm an oxymoron. I'm happy and single. I'm married. We'll get to that later. But I'm happy and I'm not married. A lot of girls are like, they're not happy. They're not with someone. My girlfriends are like, you like going around just banging dudes you don't know? Yeah. That's why it's called being single. Why are you judging? I don't understand. I've done online dating. Who here has done online dating? Online dating is awesome. I used to do it. I met a guy online. We saw like three movies in a week. I said, when are you and I going to stop watching movies and start making some? I'm kind of bored. He said, you're a nice lady and want to be a gentleman. I said, who the hell told you to do that? He said, you're the kind of girl I can marry. I said, I met you on hotchocolatelust.com. You were not my soulmate. That's why. But here's how I got through the pandemic. I accidentally got in a really serious relationship when it started. Because COVID cut down for single girls. Cut down hoeing. Cut down hoeing. Cut down booty calls. Cut down handling your stuff discreetly. So they're like, you can date. I'm not going to be alone for a year. Somebody love me. So I found someone who I've known for a long time. But I told him so many lies to make him think that I am the quarantine wife you want. I said, look, I am a domestic goddess. I cook every meal from scratch. And I grow my own vegetables. All the lies. None of that true. Because somehow I found a unicorn black man who actually does cook and garden. So we're having dinner. He made me a veggie salad. And then he pulled out a cucumber. Not his dick. A real cucumber. I'm like, what's this? He said, you and I should garden together. I'm like, why? He goes, I'm prepared. He made these stacks of greens that had the roots. Gave me one stack. He said, yo, bring this home and plant it. I'll plant mine at the same time. And we can watch them grow together as a couple. I'm like, oh my god, I lied to you. I'd rather catch COVID. Look at these nails. Are you crazy? I do not garden. We have the strength to shower every Friday. We're in a pandemic. I'm not going to plant asparagus. You want me and you to be Martha Stewart and Snoop Dogg? Guess what? You're Martha. I'm Snoop. I don't do any of that ----. I lied to you. My god, my bad. Ain't none of that true. I barely know him. And that's why it works. I met him in our 20s. But I was away. I was married. All this kind of crap. That's how it works. Because when you snoop and try to figure out a guy's background, what do you find, ladies? A family in Virginia. Exactly. So I do not research anything. If God wants to remove him, remove him. Because here's a problem we're kind of having now. He's jealous. He's a very jealous guy. I thought that would be hot. It's not. Here's the thing. During the quarantine, what did he and I do for a year? Sex, drinking, smoking. It was amazing slash horrible, of course, COVID. And I said, look, when I go back to work, you should know it's usually me around nothing but dudes. And these dudes are my friends. And they're 40, 45 years old and up. Boyfriend's also 50. I said, when I go back to work, this is my environment. He's like, Jackie, I'm afraid I'm not enough for you. And when you go back to work, you will cheat on me with one of these guys. I said, you think if I get side dick, he's gonna also be a 50-year-old man? And if I get side dick, he gonna be half your age, you fool. Having two boyfriends that are both 50, that's like having two part-time jobs and they're both at Subway. What the ****? You ain't got no goals, bitch? You don't wanna dream bigger than that? I'm gonna have two boyfriends with ******* bad backs and sleep apnea and prostate problems. I want a younger, faster, bigger, stronger, harder man, okay? I'm not an idiot. She's there, right? Yeah, you understand. My husband and I just bought our first house together. Thank you. Yes, it's very exciting. And it's funny because now that we're homeowners, all of a sudden, my husband thinks he can build stuff, right? Because I'm like, babe, we need a new kitchen table. Ours doesn't fit anymore. It's gonna be like $500. He's like, what? I could build that? Oh, oh, you could build that? With what tools? Do you know where the tools are? Could you name a tool? We have different styles of decorating the house. Like, I'm more like shabby chic. He's more like Aladdin. I mean, he already got himself a camel. He thinks he's fancy putting tassels on things. Like we're part of the Ali Ababwa family. And we weren't even planning to buy a house, you guys. Like, we just woke up one day. We started talking about it. We're like, wait a minute. If we move this like this, put this right here, we could do it. Let's do it. Don't do that. Plan first, you guys. Here's some marriage advice from me, okay? Five years in, you're gonna want to write this down. Don't impulse buy a house. If you want to impulse buy something, go to Target. Go to Target when all you need is toothpaste. Because you'll walk out of there with some thank you cards, a new blender, and a bathing suit from Exhilaration. Maybe some Cherokee accessories. You get up to the register, you see all the goodies they have there. You start thinking to yourself, like, you know what? I do want love, actually, on DVD. I haven't had juicy fruit gum in a really long time. And I do need a chapstick shaped like a ball that won't fit into my pocket. That is when you impulse buy. Don't impulse buy a house. We jumped into it way too fast. We didn't know what we were doing. We didn't ask all the right questions. So now we're learning all the things that are wrong with our house. Like, for one, we learned that our house had no low voltage wiring. For two, we learned what low voltage wiring was. There were no wires in my walls. My walls were empty. It's like we bought a dumb hot chick.