DATING IS HARD WHEN YOU ARE MARRIED 😂 _ Gary Michael Anderson

Comics talk a lot about dating, you know, and how it's hard, and it is. Dating is hard. Dating is hard for me, too, you know, because I'm married. Can be rough. Can be rough in the streets, you know. But you do what you can. No, I'm joking. Dating is hard, though, in your 30s, because, like, once you enter your 30s, you're supposed to stop lying about who you are, you know, and what you represent. You're supposed to be honest, right? Supposed to be honest. But the challenging thing is that, you know, you're also supposed to be confident, and sometimes, you know, honesty and confidence don't really align. Like, this girl once told me, she was like, a real man knows how to fix a car, and with the utmost confidence, I had to be like, uh, bitch, I don't have a car. Where do we go from here? But it's good, you know, it's good to be honest, to be honest about the compatibility, you know, possibility, and just to make sure you're a good match, because as you get older, you know, you don't want to waste people's time anymore, you know? Like, I was hanging out once with this girl, I had rollerbladed to her house, and I was in her kitchen, you know, barefoot, because she made me take the skates off, and I noticed that she had two pieces of bread left, but not two end pieces. She had an end piece, and then a regular piece, which meant that she eats her bread in order, and I had to leave. I don't have that kind of structure in my life. And the bread was still sealed with that little blue twist tie. She went through an entire loaf of bread without losing that little blue twist tie, and that's a level of responsibility that I'm not on at all. Two pieces into a loaf of bread, I lose that twist tie, so then I gotta tie my bag into a knot, and then when I come back later for a sandwich, I have to cut the bag open because I tied the knot too tight. And I only wanted one sandwich, but now I gotta make three to give myself extra bag space to tie another knot, so it's like, let's be honest, I'm not gonna be able to meet her needs. I skated home, back to my wife. Glad some of y'all enjoyed that joke. Because, you know, I live in Los Angeles, and I do that joke around Los Angeles, and I'll be honest, you know, people, they don't like it. They get uncomfortable, they tense up, you know? Because they're gluten free. They can't process it. Doing this job, you get to kind of encounter like different types of people, people that you probably normally wouldn't like interact with or have an opportunity to meet, so it kind of opens like some interesting doors, and you meet some interesting people, and that can also be intimidating in a way, like once I was hanging out with a sommelier, and if you don't know what that is, you know, just do better. Just get your affairs in order, and opportunities will come. A sommelier is a wine expert. They know everything about wine. They can just taste wine, and tell you everything about like its story, the origin, like, you know, all these sophisticated flavor profiles, and how it was aged, and like, I'm not familiar with that world, so as we were drinking, I was like, yo, describe to me like what does this taste like in your world? And she was like, oh, okay, let me see. I'm tasting a deep ruby velvet that glimmers invitingly, and I'm tasting a toasted oat with a hint of cinnamon, and a hint of earthiness, and I didn't even know this was the vibe, but she leaned to me, and she was like, and I can't wait to taste you, and yeah, nah, I had to leave, because there was ---- about me that I didn't want her to know, and I felt like if we were to hook up, you know, and she tells me to finish on her chest, and obviously her body, her choice, I'm no Republican, but I finish on her stomach, you know, because I don't have that type of range anymore. I don't have chest velocity, you know, because I'm getting old, you know, and not like arthritis old, just old. We're like, ginger ale tastes ******* amazing now, but she's a cool girl, so she scoops some up, and she's curious, and obviously I'm a comic. I'm curious. I'm like, yo, so if you're gonna do something like that, you gotta let me know. Like, what does it taste like? And she's like, oh, okay, let me see. I'm tasting, I'm tasting a single parent home. Mm, I'm tasting salty. I'm like, yeah, that's because it's like, no, no, no, no, tears from your childhood. Mm, mm, and you didn't file your taxes in 2008. It's like, goddamn, all that's in there, that's a lot of information, but of course, you know, you're gonna be so focused on the negative. I'm like, did you taste that I scored 15 touchdowns senior year? She's like, I did, but I also taste that you guys had a great offensive line that year, so you shouldn't take all the credit. Be a better teammate, so I'm working on that. I'm working on that. Yeah, aging is an interesting thing, especially like watching your parents, like as you get older, your parents are also getting older, and that's a weird thing to see, like something that would kind of represent as sort of the pillar of strength, kind of grow more weak and more feeble, and like my mom retired recently, and I read that people can die early in retirement if they feel like they lose a sense of purpose or just kind of feel like they're not needed in the world anymore, and obviously, like I love my mother to death, so I'm doing everything that I can to make sure that she feels purpose and that she feels needed, you know? So every week, I call her, and I borrow $1,000. I need you. And a PlayStation. But you can't just do it on a whim. She got questions. She's like, what's it for? I'm like, you know, honestly, it's kind of for you. Yeah, I'm buying you more time. Because I love you. Kids make you feel old. Kids make you feel old, because they don't even understand the concept of age at all. Like one of my nephews asked me if he could have my laptop when I die. Yeah, and that me up mentally. I had to take a moment. I did, because I was like, wait. I was so confused. Yeah, I was like, wait a minute. Wait, dude, like, do you know how computers work? Like, do you know how death works? Like, I plan on being here a minute. You know what I'm saying? I'm a 30-year-old fit non-smoker, a non-rapper. I live in an up-and-coming neighborhood. All the that I eat is organic, unshaved. Like, I plan on being here a minute, and you don't think that I'ma outlive a 2011 refurbished MacBook Pro with no space bar? The space bar is broken. You think that I'ma die before I spill another latte on that? Which would be partly my fault, but also the fault of the Starbucks in San Francisco on 16th and Montgomery Street for having wobbly-ass tables when I stood up too fast to take a ---- because coffee strikes without warning. But my nephew's a hood kid, so all he knows is like hood-related deaths, because he's like, but Uncle, what if you get shot? And I was like, why are you so excited? But you're right. I could get shot. I could. But I am exiting that 15 to 34 age range where homicide is the leading cause of death amongst black males. You, sir, are entering it. So, let me get your Xbox. That's, that's all right with you. Hope everybody had a good pandemic. Hope you accomplished all your goals, finished all your puzzles. Wearing a mask taught me a lot about myself, taught me a lot about who I am as a person, you know? Like wearing a mask, I learned that if I'm in a produce section at a grocery store shopping for fresh fruit and I can't lick my fingers, I don't know how to get those little baggies open. But also know that I'm not weak. I won't give up. What I'll do is I'll spot the mist machine spraying the leafy greens. But by the time I get there, the machine will turn off and I guess I'm the type of person to look around to see if anyone's watching and to just rub some bok choy between my fingers for moisture.