I Don't Want To Get Married, But I Don't Want To Be Alone

Brought to you by the EveryDollar app. Start budgeting for free today. I am a woman in my 40s and I already had some assets and investments in place before starting to prioritize being debt-free. Like over the years I've built like a comfortable, stable life. I don't make a ton of money but I make good financial decisions overall. I'm really proud of where I am but I keep hitting the same issue where I get into a relationship and for me marriage is not on the table. I don't want to be married but I also don't want to be alone. Tell me, wait a second. All right, we need at least a few seconds on this deal. You want a relationship but you don't want to get married. What's the barrier there? I watched my mom and my dad and they are wonderful people. My dad was a good provider but it made me unable to trust anyone else with my financial well-being. Like I always need to take care of that for me. I need to have autonomy for that. So I just don't see in my life being able to put my financial well-being in someone else's care. Is that because of how your dad treated your mom? Oh no, he didn't give her a lot of like equality and equity. He was a good provider. They had a decent relationship for what they were taught in their generation. But you came out of that and said but because of that you use that as the context to say as a result I don't ever want to rely on a husband for financial safety. Correct, correct. I am going to be independent and take care of myself and then build that life. But you want a relationship. What you're looking for is companionship. That's what you're looking for. Right. And I'm really clear about that. How's that working out? This is an ad for BetterHelp. One of the most important things I've ever done in my life as a husband, as a dad, as a community member, as a neighbor is to finally break down and go see a therapist. It's not just for major traumas. It's for anyone wanting better mental and emotional health and peace. If you're thinking about trying therapy, try my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online so it's affordable and it's convenient. Visit betterhelp.com slash Ramsey for 10% off your first month. Well, how's that working out? I mean, it always works out well for a while. How long? Eventually, they want to wife me. I don't know. Well, that's all you're going to get. Here's the thing. I'm just going to shoot you straight as your friend. If you say to somebody, I want companionship from you, there's no commitment there. And so that person has the ability to say, yeah, I'll hang with you as long as this works out for me. And then when it no longer works out for me, they can cut you loose. That's what you're giving them permission to do. So you kind of have to know that if that's what you want to do, you probably every five, six years, or maybe you might get a decade out of somebody, you're going to be switching over to somebody else. And I'm okay with that. But if I am clear about what's on the table and they don't believe me, which I tend to find is the case, they think, oh, I'll change her mind. I don't have children. Everybody always said, oh, she'll change her mind. Guess what? So you're sad. You're breaking up with these guys and they're sad. You feel like you're a heartbreaker and you're like, why am I a heartbreaker? I told you this from the beginning. I just feel like I was clear about my expectations and eventually they either, the only time that I feel I need to end the relationship, like if it is financially oriented, is when they say either you give me access to your account so I can't be with you. And I say, okay, then we're not together. How many times has this happened where you have broken off a relationship because the guy wanted to get married? Two. And how old are you, if I may ask? I'm in my 40s. You're in your 40s. And has it been really heartbreaking? Any of these, have they been gut wrenchingly hard, even though you stuck to your principle? I'll give you that. Has it been really hard on you? I mean, there's obviously emotional strife, but when I look back on it, it's not a level of regret that I feel like, oh, I missed out on something good because of it. All right, great. So what's your question? Yeah. What's the question? Because my thing is like, I'll meet you where you're at. If you're like, I never want to get married, fine. At this point, I think it's just setting proper expectations and knowing... I have a suggestion later that I want you to consider Marlee, but I don't want to get in way of what you called for. What did you call for? Well, what is the appropriate structure? Because I know the whole Ramsey thing is that when you're married, you're one. Yeah. If you're not married, don't combine it. Exactly. And so what is an appropriate way to execute that? Execute what? I'm confused. You're dating. You have to view everybody as somebody you're dating, which is my money is mine. I do whatever my plan is. I do my own thing and I'm with them as long as they'll be with me until they want to get married and I don't. And then they'll exit the scene and I will... Are you talking about like day-to-day expenses? Yeah. Because I've tried several different ways. Well, you're roommates. It sounds to me like you're, can I say this? You're roommates and you got some type of privileges. That's between you and whoever, but you're roommates. So that means you're splitting utilities, you're splitting the rent. I mean, that's what we would suggest because you're not married. And by the way, that's what you want anyway. It sounds like you don't want anybody to weigh in on your finances or contribute. Well, I guess maybe we back out, perhaps it's more of a backing out of the romantic part of the relationship. And just saying like, knowing that the romantic part does have some, like you want to be fair. You want to be equitable. Like you don't want to be having anybody feel like they're being taken advantage of. I'm so confused. Well, here's the thing. The hard part is foundationally, I see it differently because if you have love for someone at a certain level, especially at an intimate level, then you're wanting that intimacy to take place in other areas of the relationship as well, but you have blocks there. So there is, I'm just saying this again, as your buddy, there is going to be, because of the way love works, there is going to be some dysfunction there with you having those barricades there and wanting basically to have everything a marriage has, but not having the marriage. It's like, I want all the benefits of this, but I don't want any of the risk of it. And that, I think that's what you're struggling with. And I'm going to tell you, that's going to cause you issues and it's going to cause confusion. And like you said, to quote you, emotional strife, because you're trying to execute, you're trying to take, have your cake and eat it too. And it seems like you have a really good reason in your head for that. But I think that you're letting that reason become an excuse for you to really get the most out of this. I said it before that I wasn't going to try to convince you elsewise and I'm not, but I would suggest you maybe getting to the bottom of that because to your point, you've seen relationships not work out well, but I guarantee you, you have seen them work out well. So you know it can go either way and you have to ask yourself, what was the factor in that? What caused a relationship to go well or not go well? And is there any piece of control that you can have over that? I think yes. I think that marriages are successful every single day. And so there's part of that, that there could be more education or learning to go on that, that could help you. You've got to redefine control. Marlee, I thought I was going to hear something far more traumatic. Maybe you didn't want to share it, don't need you to share it. Something you witnessed has created a massive, massive hole of trust in your life. You just don't trust anybody. I'm not criticizing you here. You called in. I'm making a little quick analysis here to say that there is no way to structure these relationships with romance and then a lack of trust around finance. You just can't do it. And what's going to happen, Marlee? And you said you're okay with it and you've signed up for it. Here was my suggestion. If you haven't done it before, I would get a really good therapist and I would sit with a therapist long enough and you got the money to do it. And I would dive into this to see if the therapist can help you get to the bottom of this lack of trust and then help you with tools to be able to deal with this trust. Because I think in the end, if you give it a shot, for those of us, I've been married almost 28 years, so I'm not selling something that I don't believe in. I just think that you can have that relationship that you long for and coexist with finances, but not until you can see the source of your lack of trust. And I see that, I feel that, I hate that for you, but I would give it a shot. I'd kick the tire since you've been in so many relationships and they haven't worked out. Some to your detriment romantically and emotionally, give it a shot. Like get to the source of this before we jump back into another relationship. And I think it's worth it in the long run. Create your free every dollar budget today. The simplest way to budget for your life.