Politically Incorrect Doctors. Danny Johnson - Full Special

You work out? And you're using your body when you do these things. Good to be here. It's like many of you I'm getting older. Some of you... I had to go to the doctor, that's why I say that. I'm at the age now where I have to go get regular check-ups. And the first thing they do when you go to the doctor's office for a visit is they weigh you because they want your self-esteem to be as low as possible for the rest of the visit. They don't even do it privately. It's right there where everybody else is working. She has the chart and she's weighing me. Then we have to have an awkward interaction. She weighs me and she looks at me and she's like, I guess some people want to live a certain way. My doctor's a very good doctor. He's very concerned about my life health plan. He's like, you know, Mr. Johnson, how many times a week do you work out? I was like, I think you made the mistake of using the word week. I said, honestly, doc, I work out like three to four times a week. And the response I got from my doctor had the tone of a question as he non-verbally told me I didn't. I was like, yeah, I work out like three to four times a week. He goes, you work out? And you're using your body when you do these things. And when you get weight, you get into a category. You're either normal, overweight, obese, which is a terrible word. You would think they would have another word in this, you know, this soft day and age with, obese sounds like beast. You're obese, you're a beast. You keep shoving food into your fat cake hole until you pass out. You're obese. And I go, what's next? He goes, morbidly obese. I'm like, oh my gosh, morbid is like associated with death. You're dead fat. I don't even know how you got here. So my doctor is very polite because I know a category I fall into. So he goes, hey, Danny, this year for your goal for weight loss, we want to work hard to get you back down to being overweight. Man, I can't wait to be overweight again. It's going to be so much fun. Very polite. I go, doc, look, I'm not, I'm not thin by any means. I'm not skinny. I'm certainly, I'm not obese. What I am is like a chubby husky hybrid, like a chusky, which is adorable, right? Oh, he's looking at me so chusky, I just want to cuddle up and nibble on his second neck. Probably some crumbs in there anyway, whatever. I go, doc, are you writing this down in my file? Chusky, C-H-U-S-K-Y, chusky. Because I don't even know what that means. I go, look, we have three rules in the chusky life. Rule number one, never a bad time for bacon or cake. Yeah, and if you make a bacon cake, I'm moving in. Rule number two, water tastes the best when it is sweet tea. And finally, rule number three for the chusky life, if you're short steps on your Fitbit, it's okay to put it on your dog when you take it for a walk. You win that workplace competition. Did you take 90,000 steps Saturday? Bit of a hike, bit of a hike. She told that joke not too long ago at another club, and this woman comes up to me after the show and she goes, hey, you don't have to put it on your dog. I'm like, I know, it was a joke. I go, what are you talking about? She goes, if you're short steps, you just take your Fitbit, you put it in a sock, you roll the sock up, you take a hooded sweatshirt, you put the sock with the Fitbit inside the pocket. You roll the sweatshirt up, you take the strings, you tie it tight, you put it in your dryer. What kind of psychopath am I dealing with? I feel like she burned more calories thinking about that. I have gained and lost a lot of weight in my lifetime. As a matter of fact, I've gained and lost so much weight in my lifetime, if you go in my closet, I have three wardrobes. I have fat, chusky, and 1982. I'm hoping to slim down, get to them Z Cavaricis I've been hanging on to. Gotta get the flap over. I made the mistake of becoming friends with people that run voluntarily. They're very passionate people, if you haven't met. You gotta run, Daniel, there's so much fun, you have to run, you need so much exhilarating, you gotta run. Because they have all that oxygen they got. Do you know why I don't run? Because I own a car. I will see you over there. Sometimes I go to marathons and stand at the end with my keys, hey, look at me. Danny, just do a 5K, right? I was like, I can do a 5K, because they tried to get me to do more, like 5K, 10K, half marathon, marathon. Then they have these tough mudder runs where you run through 24 obstacles and you get electrocuted and fired, you punch a bear. So I'm like, five is a tiny number, I could probably do that. And they're like, good news, Danny, 5K actually means 3.1 miles. I'm like, three is less than five, I don't even need to train for this thing. It's a lot longer than you think it is. Danny, you're gonna get a runner's high, right? We've all heard of the runner's high, it's halfway through the race, your body and mind, it's gonna be numb, you're just gonna run and finish it. I found the runner's high passed out in the bushes. Staring up at the lights. I tried to treat it like a video game. I thought if I could just catch one person and beat them, maybe hip check them into the bushes or something. Like an oil slick or banana peel, something. If I could just catch one, there's one guy I could not catch the whole race. Every corner, I just couldn't catch him. He was in his late 80s. Once I turned the corner and there was nobody in front of me and nobody behind me. I don't even know if I was in the race, I was in Home Depot at one point. I was just... And they're very nice people that volunteer for the race, you know, they hand out water and they're like, same t-shirts. They must have thought I was a jerk because I don't have control over my body like 15 minutes into this race. So the first four people I tried to grab water from, I was like smacking it. Ah, ah, ah, ah. Ah. Frankenstein. That guy's a jerk. Finally finished the race, right? And as soon as you pad, they give you a banana, right? I guess for whatever reason. So apparently people that do 5Ks like do them all the time because I am like crawled over the finish line. I grab my banana. I finally get up and I look at everybody else eating and talking. Oh my gosh, this is so much fun. We should do this every week. I can't even get the banana. It's like a banana shave bomb. It's good for the scalp. At some point in my life, I was 279 pounds, 280. I just don't want to get back to that point. That's my goal, I guess. I don't know. I don't know if this is a thing. I was doing some shows in Omaha, Nebraska at the time. I was 280 pounds. And some guy after the show stopped me in the lobby. I must have mentioned it on stage or something. He goes, Daddy, you said you were 280. Let me tell you something. You don't look it. You carry it well. Is that a compliment? I don't even... Did I carry my fat well around the body area? It's distributed evenly among the parts. What's this guy's point of reference? Did he meet a guy the night before with like an 80-pound frame and a 200-pound arm? Just... Yeah, look at that guy. He doesn't carry it well at all. He's got a big, fat, greasy arm. I don't know. Why does it got to be greasy? I remember being that size when I was eating at a restaurant. And I guess I sat back for my meal. The waitress came over. She goes, Excuse me, sir. Are you finished with that or are you just resting? Yeah, I'm not climbing a mountain. Having a fajita. I could use a pillow if you do. I think the hardest part traveling and being a comic it's more about what you eat. It's eating healthy. And the fast food industry is cheap. It's right there on the highway. So it's hard to resist. It's the only industry in the world, by the way, that can treat you like garbage repeatedly and you still go back. Bad experience at a car dealership, insurance company. You don't go back there. But everyone in here has a fast food horror story. Even back to that same location. Pretty happy about it. I get a Big Mac at the drive-thru, right? Not a hard order. Not complicated. There's a couple layers. Maybe an assembly line process. Before I get back on the highway I reach over. It's really thin from my Big Mac experience. I pick it up. Uh, no meat. Yeah, that's a big part of the Mac. The meat. So when I have this dilemma do I go back inside and argue for my grade F beef? That actually made the sandwich healthier. I have a Thousand Island lettuce sandwich. The answer is yes. You go back inside. You talk to the manager, Ted. Ted, this is embarrassing for both of us. I got no meat in my sandwich. The response I got from Ted, the manager, with a straight face was, are you sure? No, Ted. This is the big scam I got running right now. I'm stealing patties from fast food places. If you could pick it up. I got 60 in the car. I got a Wendy's to knock off. Two exits down. I am the Hamburglar. I like Burger King better than McDonald's. Not because the food's any better. It's because I'm really immature. And every time I go to Burger King I get an onion ring in my fries. That's a good day. You don't even know you got it until you get back to the table. You have your tray. You're like, oh, do you want to sit at this booth right here? Oh, that's fine. Oh, I didn't pay for this, did I? Who's the king now, huh? I'm going to put it to the side. Save it for later. A little ketchup circle of protection around it. Just the opposite. If you get a fry on your onion rings, you're a little mad about it. You know? It's a waste of space. You're up at the counter. Where's the manager? My crown falls off. I don't want to talk about it. Still fits. Chick-fil-A. Chick-fil-A, they're required to say with pleasure or my pleasure to any, anything, everything. It's in their training. Can I have two straws? Here you go. Thank you. My pleasure. I think you're overestimating this transaction. It can't be your pleasure. Took somebody out to eat recently. The hostess sat us down. She goes, enjoy your experience. I was like, oh, wow. We're going to have an experience. I don't know what kind of experience we can have here at Denny's. I can tell you the experience we're going to have later on tonight as a result. The moon's over Miami. Is that Taco Bell? I'm not bragging. I'm just telling you. Behind the counter, they had a charity event. You can give a dollar on top of your order and feel better about yourself for 48 seconds. But I don't want the attitude when I don't want to give. I place my order. She goes, you want to give a dollar to this charity? It goes on top of your order. I'm like, no, I give in my own way. She goes, I was like, I'm sorry. She goes, you don't care about people's health? I was like, man, I am eating at Taco Bell. I don't care about my own health. I'm a huge infomercial junkie. So I got this workout DVD set thing that I'm trying to do. I'm doing P90X. Has anybody ever heard of this? It's run by Tony Horton, the Antichrist. He's 111 years old. It's 60 to 90 minute workouts. I'm on day 10. I've had the kit for like eight months. There's a lot of paperwork and warranty information. I've watched all the workouts. In workout clothes. Eating Doritos. Living the Chusky life. Just sitting there a while. I can't even put my body in that position. I don't know what that is back there. Do you feel the burn? Oh, I feel the burn. All right, baby. It's mostly because I have a cut right here and these are Cool Ranch. It's the burn I'm currently feeling. I can't relate to anybody in those DVD workouts. They're all done working out forever. They're all ripped and cut. I need somebody I can relate to. I need like some 40 or some, you know, Chusky guy with asthma having an attack in the back of his head. Dry heaving. I can connect with that guy. I'm already doing it. I'm already doing that. One of the guys in the workout DVDs doesn't even have a shirt on. I don't know why you would. Right? I look back. He's got 87 abs. They just keep going down. Thigh abs. Like a statue. It's chiseled. I got mad. I got angry. I got jealous. Shouldn't do that, right? And I was like, you know what? If I ever had abs like that. Side note, I do, but I'm kind enough to protect them with layers. If he gets stabbed and I get stabbed, who lives? Me. It's really more about survival. But if I really, if I ever did have abs like that, like a statue, I'd probably burn all my shirts. I'd have a ceremony in my front yard with all the neighbors and we'd burn them and I'd never wear a shirt again if I was that. I used to be walking around town, Iowa. It is cold, but these are hot right here. I used to be out and about in town, be in the grocery store, food shopping, Iowa. You're the manager? Weird. I'm managing these. Should I not be rubbing this canola oil all over my body right now? It's bogo. I just need somebody to relate to on those. You got to follow the recipe book if you're going to do this P90X thing because it's really more about what you eat. So I tried to follow the recipe book. I didn't even make it past day one. The first snack of the P90X is it says, take two rice cake. I feel my mouth getting dry right now. Take two rice cakes. If you don't know what rice cakes are, UPS makes them. They take the little S packaging styrofoam and they compress into a circle, a little blueberry dust on top and then ship it. It says, take two rice cakes and then it says, take a cup of plain Greek yogurt. I think everybody's mouth is getting dry at this point. If you haven't had plain Greek yogurt, it's a combination of glue and glue. So it says, take the rice cakes and smear some plain Greek yogurt on it and then it says, grab a mint leaf. I didn't know mint came from a leaf. What about crushed Tic Tacs? Can I crush some Tic Tacs in it? Where do you put the cheeseburger? I live in Florida and my favorite store in Florida is my grocery store. Because not only can you go there and buy food, but it's the only store I know that exists where you can go buy food and weigh yourself at the same time. They have a scale right next to the blood pressure machine in the pharmacy. I just think it's odd and thank goodness the kind people of that grocery store have made the scale the size of a grandfather clock. With a huge... Are we weighing calves in here? It's like the people of the store were like, look, if these people are going to weigh themselves in public, I want everyone to know. Okay, that's... Matter of fact, I'm thinking about adding some sound effects. Ahh! The vegetables are in aisle nine. Ahh! What's the next step? They're going to weigh yourself and somehow connect it to when you check out. So you go to check out and you're like, oh, I don't think these Oreos are quite in your range just yet. Come on away. It's the pharmacy, the blood pressure machine, which I've gotten trapped in like three times. I don't know. And then the scale. We've all had that millisecond of panic in that blood pressure machine, right? So normally you get it at your doctor, especially if it's the first time using the machine. Maybe you're alone or you're with a buddy and he's like, ah, go ahead and do it. You put your arm in there. Is it just like the doc? Yeah, it's going to get tighter and tighter and then it'll release eventually. So you put your arm in there and it's like a game of, you know, it's getting tighter. Like, oh, it does feel tight. It's a little tighter than the doctor's, you know, right? I'm just going to stop, right? I think it's going to stop. I don't think it's stopping. Please stop. Okay, it's going down. It's going down. And then your blood pressure is high. No kidding. I thought the crazy grocery store robot doctor was going to trap me here overnight. Of course it's high. The pharmacist, the blood pressure, and you weigh yourself, take your blood pressure and you're right there at the counter. Look, I got a lot going on. What do you got? Because I had to get Claritin D recently. I don't know if you ever had this pleasure of getting some sort of allergy medication. It's not in the aisles. You have to go ask the pharmacist. And then I go to pay for it. I go to leave. No, no, no, you can't leave. You got to sign here. Sign this book. Does anybody know why I'm signing this book? It's to commit that I won't use Claritin D to make meth. Methamphetamines. Yeah, I had no idea. Why would you tell me that? I kind of want to make meth. What else do I need to sign for? Give me one of everything. Why would you tell me that? And is that really working that we're all signing that we won't? Are there two guys in a cul-de-sac right now somewhere like, hey man, it's time to make that meth. Man, you can't. You signed that book. I didn't use my real name. I just had a birthday. Turned 72 years old. I just make up a number of people like, you look good. I drink a lot of water and I walk a lot. My mind is young. My body is telling me take it easy. The other day I pulled a muscle in my sleep. I don't know how to explain that to a doctor of any kind. I'm just in the middle of the night. I'm stretching out and my calf nuts up. I'm like, ah, foot up, foot down. Foot up, foot down. I don't know which way. I've been limping around for three weeks. What happened? Playing a little flag football? I was napping. It was a violent, vicious nap I took. It's not even an injury that I could even have a fight story about. No cool story. It's not like a scar or a black eye where I can just make up some absurd. It's my calf. I can't. Yeah, this guy was bothering some women at this place and I got in the middle of it and then one of the guys, he dropped to the floor and started punching my calf repeatedly. It was Carl the calf puncher. The other day I found myself coaching myself out loud just to pick something up off the floor. Like I drop my wallet and I'm like, here we go, here we go, here we go, here we go. Up, up, up, up, up and we made it. Little lightheaded. Gotta stay young. I gotta stay fit. I gotta stay mentally aware. I have a wonderful son. He's an amazing young kid. He's, not too long ago, had a big shock for me. Had to go school supply shopping for my son, with my son. And that game has changed dramatically from when I, when I was a kid, there was two school supplies. One, Trapper Keeper. Yeah, if you don't know what that is, it's a notebook with 85 pockets, 75 velcro, velcros, a net. I don't know. It was a Trapper Keeper and a compass. It wasn't a directional compass. It was a two pronged tool. On one end was a golf pencil. And on the other end was a razor sharp ice pick. I was five years old. My mom's like, go to school. Is this my bus? Is this it? Huh? You in my class? Huh? You draw the perfect circle. I found my son talking to himself. He had a book report due and I just hear talking in the other room. It's just him and I that live there. So it just, I just see us out loud talking, you know? And it turns out he's asking Google for all the answers to his book report questions. I was trying to tell him when I was a kid, we had a book report. We had to go to this building. It's called the library. Using the card catalog and the Dewey Decimal System. And if you had a book report on JFK and you got there too late and all the books are gone on JFK, you know what happens? You get yourself a new president. Now you're stuck with Grover Cleveland. He was a president. At least I know where he's from. I know I keep fiddling with my glasses. I can't stand wearing glasses. But if I don't wear, if I wear contacts, I still have to wear reading glasses and I don't want to shove more apparatus on this face than I already had. So I just don't like it. The reason I don't like wearing glasses is because my eyelashes continue to grow and shoot out at people. They're extremely long. Right now, you all look like you're in prison because the whole show is just lines. I feel like Snuffleupagus. Hi, bird. I can't drive with the window down. Spider web of sorts. So I was talking to my family about what do I do about my eyes? I can't stand wearing glasses. Like, you know, one of my, one of my relatives is like, why don't you get like a, why don't you look into a service animal? This is the genius pool I'm working with. I think we're pretty far from the service animal. But I did do research. Like when service animals, the ADA, Americans with Disabilities Act, they, when they first really established a nationally accepted service animal, it was two. It was dog and miniature horse. Which quite frankly, I don't see enough of. Those little horses. And we all know those miniature horses used to be unicorns and they had their horns ripped off and they shrunk down to humility. I saw it on Facebook. So, so it's dog, and then it's like different states like Iowa and Oregon started having different animals. And of course now it's just crazy, right? This one lady I was talking to in Starbucks, one woman, she said my aunt had a monkey, like a little macaque, like a little, you know. I don't even know what that was that I just did, but. And she said the monkey would freak out every time her aunt had a seizure. And I was like, I'm pretty sure the seizure itself would alert people. Something is amiss. They say seizures are caused by stress. No kidding. She's got to raise that monkey 24-7. How is that even helpful? If that woman was here tonight and she happened to, you know, God forbid, have a seizure in the back and they were like, Danny, stop the show and go help her. I would love to. I can't. But there's a monkey going nuts right next to her. I told that story one time at another club and they said, one guy yelled out bird. He didn't say what kind of bird would be a good service animal, just bird. So I don't know what, like a parakeet? If I was, turn right, turn right. Turn left. What kind of bird, sir? I got to get a new one every November. Somebody once yelled out squirrel would be a good service animal. And I found out later this guy rescues squirrels and he wants to get them into the service animal industry. You can't have a squirrel as a service animal. You would never make it across the street. You'd be half back, half back, half. Guys, thank you so much. Have a good night. We'll be right back.