I Have Sleep Paralysis Demons _ Standup Comedy _ Andrew Orolfo

I just got my Coachella tickets for next year. Yeah, but y'all knew that when you saw my crop shirt. I go to Coachella a lot. If you don't know what Coachella is, it's just a music festival where you spend like $500 to fight with your girlfriend. That's all it is. And I love doing that joke because it always hits for like one person. Always, always. I did that joke last week at a show and some dude just stood up and yelled, Yup, Daniel! And then he left. He didn't watch the rest of the show. Crazy. But I'm doing all right. I'm doing all right. Although last week, one of my AirPods went out in my left ear and that sucked. I didn't know what to do. I tried everything to fix it. You know, I tried to reset it. I tried to clean it and nothing worked. So I went to the internet and a solution that came up a lot was you're supposed to suck on the one that's not working, which sounds gross. But it does work. It does work. And when that happened, I was like, How did this dude figure that out? But it works. I was like, Hey, keep cooking, my boy. Continue your research. You know, isn't that crazy that that works? It works. It really does. It reminds me of when you used to have to like blow on old video games. You remember that? Or when you used to have to like spank the TV. This feels like the new version of that. You know, you suck on AirPods, you used to have to blow on old video games, you hit the TV. Who knew tech was so freaky? You know what I mean? Next thing we learn, our iPhone gets a little weird. You just got to choke it a little bit, you know? People are so worried about the future and robots taking over and trying to kill us. No, they might just want neck kisses, you know? But it works. And that's such like internet advice, you know, you know what I'm talking about? It's like advice on the internet. It's going to work. But the companies can't tell you to do such, you know? Like I can't go to the Apple store with this and I go to the genius and then he grabs my AirPod and then he just starts sucking on it, you know, that's weird. That's so weird. It might be even weirder if he handed me the AirPod, he was like, Hey, suck on this for me real quick. But that's where the tech's at right now. Tech's so crazy. Y'all taking these Waymo's? The self-driving cars? Some fans, some not. I like them. Honestly, I like the Waymo's, the self-driving cars. And I'm team human on everything else, okay? I like the company Waymo mostly because I did a show for them last year and they paid me like a lot of money, so shut up. I did a show for the company, not the cars. I don't know if AI likes comedy like that. Last week, I was drinking a matcha latte and one of my friends was like, okay, performative male. No, just an Asian guy. Matcha was our thing first, dummy. That's us. That was our thing. But the fuckboys, they took matcha from us. Now I finally understand cultural appropriation. I understand that. Because that's gone for us now. That's gone for us. And I feel like I should have seen this coming. I should have seen it coming because this is karma for me, for sure, because I had dreads in high school. This is the payback. This is karma. It's because me and Jeremy Lin had dreads like 15 years ago. I don't know if y'all can tell by looking at me, but I want to let y'all know I do like to get a little freaky in the bedroom. I do. I really do. Sometimes in bed, I'll get a sleep paralysis. Pretty freaky. Someone say spooky. Get a little spooky in the bedroom. Y'all know what sleep paralysis is, right? Okay. If you don't know what it is, it's when you're sleeping and your mind wakes up, but your body's still asleep. So you feel paralyzed. And if you're lucky, you get to see demons in the room. Any old ladies into that? Huh? I used to get it a lot. I used to get it a lot when I was younger. And at first it was actually very scary, but it happened so often that towards the end, I just like got used to it and it would just be like annoying, you know? Because like I'd be in bed, I'd be sleeping, and then my mind would wake up, but I'd feel paralyzed. And then I'd see the dude in the corner of the room and be like, huh, interesting, still no job. Get out of here. But it doesn't happen to me anymore. I don't get it as much. Mostly because I take the necessary steps for it to not happen. So like my routine is like I eat healthier, I'm on a regular sleep schedule, and I sleep on my side. Yeah, that's the big one. Now you laugh, but you know what they say, you sleep on your back, that's when the monsters attack. That's what they say. When you sleep on your side, you stay alive. That's what the doctors say. I'm in therapy right now. Not at the moment, actually. I'm looking for a new therapist, that's where I'm at. And when I'm looking, I find that it's hard. It's pretty hard. It's hard to find someone that you really vibe with financially, you know what I'm saying? Let me know if y'all agree with me on this, because I was thinking about it. Y'all think the rise of therapy was the downfall of emo music? Do y'all feel that? It's gotta be connected, you know? It's gotta be. Because we know everybody's so well adjusted now, we're trying to get there, right? So I feel like you can't really make that kind of music anymore, because we know the language, you know? We know emo music, that's just trauma dubbed into a beat, and that's not okay, you know? But we can't make that music anymore. Because if you make an emo song now, everybody's just gonna be like, hey, better help, brother, what are you doing? I remember when I was younger, a lot of my friends, mostly the dudes, they would always look forward to having the moment where they were old enough to share that first beer with their dad. It's like a coming-of-age thing. I remember all my friends loved that moment. But nobody ever talks about sharing the first edible with your mom, fire. So underrated. Also, if you don't relate to this bit, I'm sorry that your mom wasn't cool as hell, you know? But that's more fun. I'd rather do that. I didn't really get to drink with my dad, and also, I don't want to. I don't want to drink with any dad. I think drunk dads are weird. Because when dads get drunk, they just open up too much, you know? You get drunk with your dad, you learn he really wanted a different life than the one that he got. That sucks. But getting high with your mom, that's fun. That's fun. Because you two, you get high, and then you get the munchies, and because she's her mom, she cooks food. That's amazing. All right, y'all were a lot of fun. Thank you so much. Bye.