(Stand Up Comedy) Nate Jackson Doesn't Believe Them_ _We Are Just Roommates_

S isn't an option on this mothafucka. It's multiple choice, C! Yes isn't a choice! That was hella funny. And what about you two? You guys look like a nice couple. You beautiful and you look like a cop. Are you a cop? No. You sure you're not like a surfing cop? Hey bro, is he on the force? What's your name? Jason. Jason! I like how you said it. Affirmative. You annunciate it. And what do you do for money, Jason? You look like you rich and a mothafucka. I sell a device that cuts cellulite for women. Why does it only work on women? Shits got titties too? Men don't get cellulite. Men don't get cellulite? You should see these cakes. Shit. I got cellulite. I'll just be waving my dick in front of it. Like, don't worry about all that. Don't worry about that. Worry about that dick going back and forth. You missed it, bitch. You hit my cellulite. So you got, you made, it's your patented device? No, no. I just sell it. What is it? It's just a little device that goes under the skin, like in the butt and the legs, and it cuts the cellulite there. It goes, so it's invasive? Yeah. So this is surgery? Yep. So you sell this device to doctors? Correct. Okay, and how much do you make per unit? Let's say you sell one of these things, how much do you see from that? I don't see anything on one. You don't see nothing on one? Okay, so you must get a bonus when you sell three. I sell a bunch. Okay, what's a bunch? Is it like Will Smith in that movie where he was trying to sell the medical devices? Is it the pursuit of happiness? I'm just trying to figure it out. And do you need more people to help you sell these motherfuckers? I know a guy that wants to work in sales real bad, and he also has cellulite. So I think, right? Sales, cellulite. And so you just travel the world and go to different hospitals and sell this thing? A couple states. What states? Washington, Oregon, and Idaho. They didn't give you Cali yet? No Cali. That's where everybody want that ----. So how much? Give me $1,000. I bet you could and it wouldn't hurt you. You'd be like, ah, I got to sell two more dinghies. What's it called? It's called Avali. It's new. It's a startup company. It's a startup company? So can we open a branch of it for men? Huh? See? You got the wrong target audience. If it'll get cellulite off, we can see our abs again. Yeah, you should do that. But you're a skinny man, so you're not thinking about us. Right, fellas? We want to get our fat zapped too. Don't act like that. You know y'all want to see where your dick connects to your body again. How long it been since you looked straight down and saw where your dick touch, where your dick connect? Not the head, the base. How long has it been? Keep it a buck, bro. When you look right down and you saw where your dick connect to your pelvic, how long? It ain't right now. I know for sure. Your angle ain't ---- right now. You need a flashlight and a mirror. Way too long. Exactly, exactly. What about you? Where the base touch the... No, I'm not talking to you. Talking to... He was like, oh, I can see my dick. Shit. She was like, he good. I can see him too. I be seeing him. Hell yeah. What about you, Puerto Rican? Been a little while, huh? Now, what would you pay for somebody to zap you 3 p.m. tomorrow and by 5.30 you can see where your dick connects to your body? You can see it without making it jump to see where it's at. Come on, fellas. You know you'd be making it jump. You'd be fresh out of the shower. See how much weight it can bear. How much load-bearing... How many towels can I lay across this ************ before it go out? Seven. So, you got this machine. What did you sell before this? Because this is a new company, a new startup. Man, you about to be so rich, bro. I got to figure out how to get with you. No ditty. What? You sold Botox and fillers? Whoo. You getting paid. So, you're beautiful. You using all this ---- up for free? That's part of the relationship? Is that part of the purse? You're like, I got a ******* whole purse full of fillers. That's dope. So, how did y'all meet? How did y'all... A client was like, you need to... I got this man. Girl, he fixes cellulite. And you were like, ooh, he about to be rich or something. Motherfucker. Okay. And so, did you guys go for like... This is a couple, right? You got your hand on his naked knee. How long y'all been doing that? Six months. Six months? Oh, this is new. Get your hand off his knee. Y'all too new to do all that knee ----. He not even used to your contact yet. You touch him, he get a little hard in public. Remember back when that used to happen to you? She could touch your dick. It's like, man, come on now. If this ain't the real deal, don't do ---- to me. They been together 22 years. This dick look right at her like, bitch, what the **** do you want? What? Hock to her. No, bitch, you miss me. Six months. That's new love. I hope y'all make it long as you want to make it, man. Y'all deserve each other if you want to deserve each other. And just a couple right here. My brother holding your knee. Yeah, yeah. You're roommates? A man and a woman? Huh. Y'all coexist in the same dwelling? How many bathrooms y'all got? Y'all share a bathroom? The shower? You ain't never seen her come out of there? Are you African? I can see it a little bit, but you don't sound like it, but I can see it on you. No, I grew up in Canada. You grew up in Canada? So you Nigerian? Yeah, you Nigerian. Congolese? You play the steel drums? What did you do? You're an engineer? No. Doctor? I work at a hotel. You work at a hotel? I actually was your valet at one time. You were my valet? I ain't never been to African ----. That was really fast. It was hella disrespectful and a little bit racist, but it was so fast that that's what made it funny. You were my valet in Portland? Are you making this ---- up? No. I've only been to Portland like three times. I know. I didn't even realize. Wait a minute, nigga. He like, hot toy. Nah, nah. What you mean you know? I realized you were in the Telluride. I was in my truck? Yeah. And you were like, that's Nate. I only realized like five minutes later. I was gone. He was like, that was Nate. So you never even said nothing live. I didn't. I had to Google because I used to watch you on all that digital. So you realized it was me after I was gone? So you realized it was me, but I never realized it was you. Until right now. And you said that like, man, we already know each other, brother. I know you, man. I met you one time. Well, I met you. You didn't meet me back. And so y'all live in Portland? Yeah, we live here. I'd imagine that's how you get here from Portland. Is she always like this? Little dumbass roommate. That's interesting. And so were y'all friends prior to this? Just as Craigslist? Just met Facebook. Facebook Marketplace. Who moved in with who? You moved in with her. She was like, I'm just looking for a chocolate man that needs a spare room. Hell yeah. So y'all got two rooms and one bathroom? Or one room and one bathroom? Two rooms. You ever just leave your door a little bit cracked at night? That's disrespectful. Every night she go to bed, she gotta hear you triple locking the door. Like, bitch, don't come across this goddamn hallway. **** on me. Rejection. Denial. Lack of attraction. She gotta go to bed every night hearing you lock 42 different doors. I guess he doesn't want me over there. You should **** him one morning when he's still sleeping. Keep Portland weird. Yeah, go in his room with a steel drum. He'd be like, this reminds me of... You should get a little diamond and... And hold it so he can almost get it, but you keep it away from her. He'd be like, give me back my diamond! That one might have been too far right there. You don't look nothing like Jaimon Hounsou. So your aspirations are to be... You say you do a valet down there three years ago? I was. I mean, I'm in school right now. What are you studying? Finance. What part of it? Your money or other people's? Other people's. And you want to do freelance or for an institution? No, no, I want to be like a financial advisor. Freelance. Who you want to work for? I mean, I want to get experience and then eventually get my own company. Where you gonna get experience from? I don't know. Cause you know, you be meeting people after they leave. It's gonna be hard to give them your business card if they already gone. Hey, hey, hey, I do finance! I do finance. It's okay, come across the hallway. I'll make it all better. Come across the hallway. How long y'all been living together? Almost like a year. Almost a year? A year and a half? Yeah. So more than a year? You just forgot six months of living with her? I feel like y'all done did some ---- on one of these drunk nights. People think that. They think you're a couple but you're not? Yeah, even at work they think that. You should just get together. **** it. Life's too short. Why wouldn't you? She's an attractive lady and you look symmetrical.