The Truth About Hotel Beds and Sleeping in Tubs - Jim Gaffigan (Clean Stand-Up Comedy)

My wife's into the organic products. I didn't know this. Organic is a grocery term meaning twice as expensive. She bought me a natural deodorant and printed on the label it said, does not work. At least they're being honest. It's better than no deodorant. We all have that friend that's like, you know, you really don't need to wear deodorant. Yeah, but you do. It's not natural. Well, neither is crapping indoors. Bad for me to wear deodorant. I'm suffering from some secondhand B.O. right now. I think it's interesting all the different scents they have for deodorant. You know what scent they should have is bacon. Talk about getting someone to crave you. I don't know why, but I want to have breakfast with him. I bought some speed stick. What's interesting about speed stick, it actually smells worse than B.O. What's that made out of, urinal cakes? You ever wear a different deodorant than normal? For the rest of the day, doesn't it seem like there's a stranger standing behind you? Am I being followed by a pine tree? I'm glad I'm wearing a button up shirt. I've yet to figure out how to put on deodorant and then put on a T-shirt without getting a spot here, here, the middle of my back. What was I wrestling at? I got my ass kicked by my deodorant. This has been a fun tour. I've been traveling for a while. I get e-mails every week from friends. Hey, when you come to town, you have to stay with us. No, I don't. Because everyone's house has their own kind of smell. Are you guys making vitamins in here? Who's cooking the feet? Because they are done. You guys are nice. I should have showered. I'm sure most of you shower. There's probably one or two weirdos out there that took a bath. How much free time do you have on your hands? What are you taking a break from ruling ancient Egypt? I don't have anything to do and I'll never have anything to do. So I'll just sit in a pool of my own filth. Ah, luxury. I should probably take a shower after this bath. I have taken a bath. It always seems like it's going to be relaxing. You're like, ah, this is so boring. No wonder people kill themselves in these things. Don't worry, no one here has killed themselves in a bath. My point is, no one takes baths. Except for that weird couple in the Cialis commercial. What kind of disposable income does that couple have? Honey, after our pill-induced lovemaking, what do you say we sit in side-by-side tubs? On the porch. What is the message of that commercial? This fella's so good, you're going to have to take a bath afterwards. I do separate baths. Hell, do it outside. It's going to be messy. You know what I mean, fellas? Those erectile dysfunction commercials are just there to ruin your night. You enjoying your show? Just a reminder, in a couple years, you're going to need a pill to do anything. Back to your show. I took a shower. Didn't happen right away. You ever have one of those days? You're like, ah, I got to take a shower. Just hours pass. I still got to take a shower. Then when you finally do it, it feels like such an accomplishment. Hey, I took a shower. I'm a go-getter. Showerer. Well, time for bed. Shampooed and conditioned my hair. As you can tell, you got to condition your hair, because everyone else does. Someone told me the reason we're supposed to condition our hair is because we shampoo our hair too often. So instead of using one product less often, we just added another product. Yeah, my wife didn't like me drinking beer every night, so to make her feel better, I started drinking beer and whiskey. Maybe I had to get her off my back. Who's that guy? Shampoo and conditioner, always identical bottles, for no other reason but to confuse us. You ever accidentally pour out the conditioner first? You're like, oh, crap! It's like three bucks! You ever try and put it back in? You're like, damn, hole's too small. I always end up holding on to it and open the shampoo bottle with the other hand. I'll just mix that together. Hope that doesn't start a fire or something. There is that product. It's shampoo and conditioner in one. I don't trust it. I don't like my peanut butter and jelly in the same jar. That's for goobers. That joke's for goobers. There are so many goos and potions in our showers, and they're all just soaps with different names, right? This is a soap for your hair, this is a soap for your body, this is a facial scrub, which is soap with sand in it. My favorite shower goer potion, though, has to be body wash, and not just because it sounds creepy. It's like, hey, I got you some body wash. Yeah, I got you a restraining order. Body wash. Wash the body. Body wash. I'm gonna wash your body. While you sleep. You can only use body wash on your body. You use it on your face, you die. It's the truth. I remember when they first introduced body wash, I was at a drugstore, and I was like, this is so stupid, body wash. Now I'm like, honey, we're all out of body wash. Can you get some more body wash? That soap's so hard to use. Get the body wash that has energy printed on it. I need my body wash to give me energy. That's what's printed on our bottle of body wash, energy and bold. They didn't even bother to think of a misleading adjective that made sense. What should we put on the bottle of body wash? Fuel efficient. Low calorie. Something like that. But it doesn't matter what it says on all those goose and potions, right? They're snake oils, because when it comes to cleanliness, we will believe anything. We're like, oh, a facial scrub made of avocados. That makes sense. And it only costs $50. Funny, I bought an avocado today for 99 cents. Well, this must be good shampoo. It's from France. And they're known for cleanliness. At least I think it's shampoo. Douche to what? And French are douching their hair? I did that joke in Montreal, and no one laughed. Really comes down to we don't want to smell, right? You ever catch yourself smelling? You're like, oh, my God, I got to smell that again. You're, like, drawn to it. You're like, that is alluring. Honey, get over here. I got a treat for you. But we smell, because we're animals, right? We're just self-cleaning animals. We're like cats. We're like... I know we're supposed to be like apes, but they're picking bugs off each other and eating it. We're like cats. We self-clean, we're grumpy, we're finicky eaters. I don't want to eat that. I don't feel like eating that right now. We like to think we're like dogs. I mean, I wish I was a dog. Dogs are always in a good mood. They're like, what is that, throw up? I'll eat it. I don't care. I'm just happy to be here. Dogs are happy to be anywhere. You ever see a homeless guy with a dog? The dog's like, this isn't that bad. I was begging for food anyway. But we're more like cats, right? But we can't even be like a cat, because a cat could scratch itself on a stationary object, and we'd be like, that's adorable. But if I scratch myself on a mannequin at Victoria's Secret, they'd call security. If I'm just like, oh, I got an itch here. Especially if I'm purring, if I'm like... Lots of undies around here, huh? You can't do that at Victoria's Secret. But if you've been to a bar, you've probably been to a filthy public restroom. We've all been in those bars where you're like, oh, well, now I know why they serve alcohol here. And when I'm talking about the filthy bathroom, I'm talking about the men's room. I don't know about the ladies' room. I haven't been in there in like a week. But the men's room, I don't know what happens to guys when we go into a public restroom. Some anger comes out. Some of the stuff that's written on the walls. You never have a friend admit it, like, hey, give me a second, I got to pee and draw a swastika. I'll be right back. There's guys writing things on the walls, and then there are the guys that reply. Some guy write, this place sucks. Another guy write, no, you suck. As if that first guy is ever going to see that. He's gathering up his friends, well, this is what I wrote on this. Hey, wait up, that guy said I suck. You double suck. But all public restrooms, even when you go, even at fancy places, you ever go in the restroom and there's a bathroom attendant? Aren't you always like, oh, no. Call me a loner, but if there's one thing I don't want anyone attending, it's when I'm using the restroom. Let alone someone sticking around to sell me a paper towel. They don't sell it. They always wave it at you, like, here, you don't have to tip me, you can just have bad luck the rest of your life. And you have to tip the bathroom attendant. You can't justify not tipping. You can't be like, eh, he doesn't need it. He's just working next to a toilet. You have to tip the bathroom attendant. Sometimes the bathroom attendant will have an incentive for a tip. They'll have, like, gum and cologne on a shelf. No thanks on the gum. I'm sure a lot of that flavor's probably been knocked away here in your office. Where'd you get the gum? Bathroom. Yeah, some stranger and a half a tuck sold it to me. What flavor is it? Bathroom. And the cologne, you know, talk about a place you don't want to pick up a scent. Oh, you smell different. Bathroom again. Same guy had a jug of liquid sitting on a shelf. I just sprayed myself. Good guy. I'm moving in with him. The most memorable public restroom I was in was a New York City Park men's room, which doubles as a crime scene. The difference being that crime scenes are eventually cleaned up. We've all been in those scary bathrooms. You're like, what happened in here? The lights are on, but it's really dark. There's water everywhere. For some reason, there's a film crew from Ghost Hunters. But I had to go in there. I was with my three-year-old. And, you know, three-year-olds, they don't tell you when they need to use the bathroom. They tell you when they're about to use the bathroom. You have to go potty? Almost done. I spend too much time in hotels. I do, yeah. Sometimes at night, I find myself thinking of the hundreds and hundreds of interesting people that have stayed in my room, and then I'll just get up and sleep in the tub. Because that's nasty. You couldn't give away a used mattress, but we'll pay $100 to sleep on one for a night. Thanks, Priceline. Here, let me slip on this robe someone else wore 12 hours ago. Ah, luxury. The amount of denial we embrace when we stay in a hotel is staggering. If you knew a stranger used your bath towel at home once, you'd be like, burn it and bury it in the backyard. But we get in a hotel and we're like, sure the business guy before me only dried his elbow with this towel. We change. Entitlement. We become lazy. You see that around the minibar, right? You're like, $8 for a Coke? No, it's either this or walk down the hall of the vending machine. He's got time for that. I'm naked. I'm always naked in my hotel room. Hey, it's not my couch. There is always that realization, maybe I'm not the first person to do that. Because you're never the first person to do anything in a hotel room. The Ten Commandments were based on what's already happened in your hotel room. That's why there's a Bible in there for references. You're like, oh, that happened too? Oh, no. I'm sleeping in the tub for sure. The only toiletry I don't take is the shower cap. Because I'm one of those weird people who likes clean hair. I've never even met anyone who's used a shower cap. Probably because they all died 80 years ago. If you are the oddball who's going to use a shower cap, you probably brought your own. And a few extra for the rest of the golden girls. It's easier to be a guy anyway. I mean, there's sexism, but just the day to day life of being a woman. Honestly, it looks too hard. Just hair. Some women have to deal with cut and color and goos and potions. What do most guys have to deal with with their hair? Not having a mullet. All a guy has to do is not have a mullet, A+. And there's still some guys that can't pull that off. They're not talking about my mullet, are they? No, you've got a good mullet. It's easier to be a guy. Makeup. Some women wear makeup. Most guys don't change their pants because there are belts in there. Are these jeans dirty? Is there a belt in there? Ask me in 2019.