Ian Bagg_ _We Are Married_ - The Most Chaotic Couple Interview Ever

Are you on a date? How old are you? You're not on a date? Oh my god. Buddy, you're not on a date. Good luck. Thought you were on a date. Thought there might be some tang after the comedy show. That lady just shut down the finger banging of the night. You might as well go down and have a sandwich downstairs because you ain't on a date, mother f***er. You are here to f***ing have some laughs and then go home and think about what you did. Are you not a couple? You seem like a couple. Okay. This doesn't include a date. This isn't f***ing good enough for a date for you. Excuse me ma'am, too much of a princess for comedy in a f***ing sandwich shop to be a date? We're married, therefore we don't date. We just f***ing go to the same place because we only have one car. If we had two cars, I'd be somewhere else. He'd be watching comedy, but we have one car. F***ing we're married. Sorry, buddy. You're f***ing married. Shut her down, bud. Don't even put your best effort into it. I don't even know why you f***ing put on deodorant. We're f***ing not on a date. We're married. We have to go together. You signed a thing at the church that says you'll go with places with me until you're dead. You guys on a date? Married? F***ing god damn it. I feel like there's a whole cul-de-sac at this f***ing show. Just came to the show, getting away from the cul-de-sac for a while. Where's your socks? You've got no socks on. No socks? F*** yourself on the way home. Didn't want to miss the comedy show, f***ing took off your socks. Gave it a good old wipe and continued on. That's what I do after Italian sandwich. F*** myself because I had no idea that all the vegetables are going to have oil all over them. You're not wearing socks? That is cocky. That is f***ing son of a bitch. That's 1988 f***ing Miami Vice. I'm not f***ing, probably free-balling too, probably. Don't even have your junk in the right place. Just letting it float all over the place. I wear the outsides, not the insides. You strip me down, that's what you get. There's nothing else, Heidi. I got no f***ing bikini parts. Ma'am, is he wearing underwear? Has he got f***ing his balls on one side and his dick on the other? One of those guys, but he's got it twisted. It's all f***ing twisted. It's supposed to be on this side, but he's f***ing twisted it up. Yeah, look at that. He's got a kink in the hose. Alright, good talk. No, I don't feel like you guys are from the city. You've got your purse around your neck. You're very scared about what's going to happen tonight. Oh my God. We're going to Addison? What about the crime there? What if somebody tries to steal my purse? Put it around your neck. I'm not wearing underwear. I'm just going to put my ID right in my butthole. Hold it there. I'm going to work my cheeks out for f***ing two hours while we go to Addison. Just holding them closed for two hours. How long have you guys been married? Fourteen years. Does she have a fan in the room? Two fans? Women are nuts. It's a good thing you have vaginas. Otherwise, we'd just be sucking dicks all the time. I need a fan. I need the noise. Well, that's different than f***ing noise. We go, let's make sure we don't hear anybody breaking in and killing us. This is Thanks Buddy with the cowboy hat. He's laughing. He don't care. I'm below this kind of s***. Make me f***ing giggle down at the f***ing welding shop. Yee-haw! Look at the size of that f***ing hat. Jesus Christ. That's why they have to drive those big trucks. Not that they want a big truck where their f***ing hat has to sit in. They want to drive a Mazda, but they'd have to open the sunroof and f***ing lose their hat. They got to get a big old hat. It's tough to park this big piece of s***, but I get to wear my hat inside the truck and not sit down. I put balls on the mess. Put a vagina in the front. Use it as a wind whistle for deer. I haven't hit a deer in five years since I had that f***ing flippity flop up front. What do you do? No socks. Probably work at a trampoline store. No socks. Always be prepared to f***ing go in there and show them a f***ing double sow cow. Sorry. You tell your story. I made up my story. I apologize. Home improvement company. Real estate company. So you improve the homes, then you sell them. I don't like it. Do you flip them? Do you have a website or something? Do you guys ever advertise for your company? Are your parents rich? Do they just pretend and let you come over and f***ing fix the house every so often and pretend you're making money? You cannot expect a contractor to not have f***ing socks on. Steel-toed sneakers there, boy. I don't like it. That guy's probably got steel toes. He's probably got no toes, that guy over there. F***ing no toes. He don't give a s***. Landman's the best show on goddamn TV. Holy f***. Everybody else agreed. That guy over there. What's your favorite show there? What's my favorite show? Yeah, that's the question. I don't know what kind of trickery you got going on. I ask you a question, you ask me the question back. But I feel like you're trying to hypnotize me. Next thing you know, I'm f***ing owning a half-done house in Dallas. Sells me a home improvement package. Hey. You want to go from one and a half baths to two baths? I can do that for you. You guys got a dog? You guys got a dog for sure. You got two? Nice. What are they called? I meant their names. Golden Doodle. Half Golden, Half Doodle. Lexi and Bella. I f***ing love it. You did not name them. We're going to call them Hank and f***ing Dr. Dre. No, we're not. We're calling them Lexi and Bella. What do you think they're doing right now? Looking out the window, wondering where you guys are? Are they sleeping? No. Do you guys have kids or something? How many kids you got? Two? Two boys? Oh my god, how old are they? 17 and 19. Oh my god, there's a lot of jacking off going on. Dogs are probably hiding under the bed, terrified. There's jizz everywhere. The water tastes different. 17 and 19. Jack off years. Not that it changes, but you're just more powerful. Text your mom and dad three times. What are you guys doing? We're at the comedy club. Alright, f*** them one more time. These people just want to nap. They're old. We just want to lie down. How come you guys don't have f***ing lounges in here? Are you all friends? Or did they just sit you together? Your buddies? Does anybody else have a f***ing lot of bass going on in their head right now? Oh my god. Oh, there's a club next door? Downstairs. It's getting f***ing crazy at the Jimmy John's right now. They just turned it down. Turn down the lights, we got a DJ. Please welcome f***ing DJ Turkey Sub. Anyways, how'd you become friends? Motorcycle gang. Motorcycle gang? You guys look terrifying. You look like the guys that kind of follow rules. What was your motorcycle gang called? Texas? Texas State Patrol? Oh, here's a beer. Be careful. Be careful, he's in a motorcycle gang. He's a one personer. He can f***ing go crazy at any time. He can take his collar right off his shirt and f***ing scare everybody. Sorry, do you want to answer now that your buddy has told a f***ing weird story about you? Oh my god, f***er, just... I'm talking to the table and you're f***ing in your brain so f***ing... I like chicken nuggets, chicken nuggets, chicken nuggets. I don't understand. Are chicken nuggets just f***ing chicken strips cut up and then chicken strips or just chicken breasts cut up? I don't understand. Is that how it works? Huh? You talking to me? You are f***ing far in thought. Somebody has not paid their property taxes this year and they are thinking about it. Oh god, f***ing September, October, November. I asked how you guys met. He said from a motorbike gang. It is a motorcycle club. We don't have motorcycles, we just talk about them. Well, if I was going to have a motorbike, this is the kind of motorbike I'd have. I enjoy being in this club. Hey guys, have you ever thought about chicken fingers? Do you think they're just chicken breasts cut up and then chicken nuggets or just chicken strips cut up? Is anybody going to get a sidecar when they get a motorbike? A f***ing sidecar is the most hardcore thing. A person that sits in a sidecar, they're f***ing nuts. They have no control. Just sitting beside some f***ing lunatic that won't wear a helmet. What's that? Do I sit in a sidecar? What are we talking about right now? Chicken nuggets, that's what we're talking about? I love it. You had another beer and you're like, it's time for me to talk. I didn't discuss anything early, but I lubed up my mouth and I'm ready to go. Got a little bit of loud mouth soup. You f***ing, you son of a b***h, you bring up f***ing Lexi and Bella again, I'll kill you. I will break this bottle in half and f***ing stab you and that motorcycle club. That's awesome. I love that you're nervous at first and then you're like, hey, this ain't so bad. I kind of like the front. I think I'm going to talk to him right now. I like chicken nuggets too. You're fun. How'd you ask her to marry you? I bet you that was a f***ing fun day. Probably bees, were there bees involved? How'd you ask her to marry you? Oh, gosh. Oh, my God. You guys' sex must be wild. Oh, wow. So sensitive. Sorry, buddy. I did not expect gosh from him. Go ahead, tell us your story. I interrupted, sorry, I apologize. No, nothing's boring from you two. Exciting. You're the most bland, exciting couple I've ever f***ing met in my life. That's how you trick us. No underwears, no socks. We just think you're going to be boring, but every time you laugh, your ball falls a little bit down your leg and we have no idea. You're over for dinner? Son of a bitch. This is some good f***ing macaroni and cheese. Will you marry me? You guys eloped? To where? Galveston? Oh, Vegas? I'm just like, f***, I gotta love the Galveston. F***ing land man over there. I got a parcel down by Galveston. I like K-I-M-S-H-I- Meanwhile, text your boys. Let them know they can go for one more round. The show's almost over. Reload, Benny. Are they even home? They're 19 and 17. They're probably like, cocaine. I bet you if you walk through with a black light tonight, you will find it. You do their laundry? I do their crispy laundry. You should buy them a jizz towel for Christmas. Use this one, not the good ones. Those are from your grandma. Your grandma bought them that f***ing monogrammed f***ing jizz towel on it. They'll buy you socks, you'll buy them a jizz towel. Switch it around. You take the jizz towel and let them f*** in your socks. I love it. You guys are gonna look at your kids different when you get home. You filthy motherf***ers. You've caught them before? Nobody else has a father in here. We all got away. Scott f***ing freed, didn't we? Hi.