MICHAEL BLAUSTEIN Crowd Work Comedy Energy Is Unreal #187

Oh, damn, you're f***ing jacked, bro. You ever do anything fun with that big-ass body? If I ever got big, I'd just do dove sh**. I'd scare pigeons, b***h. Like, I would do dove sh**. Like, yo, if I was big as you, I'd just walk into Starbucks and there was like a long-ass line. I'd just walk in. I'm like, I'm f***ing next! And just walk. Because, dude, if I was in line and that big motherf***er did that, I'd be like, I guess he's f***ing next. This guy loves lattes. I get it. What do you do for work, man? Yup, there we go. You do security, too? You know, like, Taekwondo and sh**? You don't know not one f***ing not one f***ing not one move. So what happens if something pops off? Why are they paying you? You're just a whistle that's a human. Brrr! You get $21 an hour to go, brrr! No, just friends? Just friends? Hell yeah, just friends. Sir, how long you been wanting to f***? The clock's still ticking, that's what's up! Where are you from, miss? What? What was the beginning of Puerto Rico? Ponce? I feel like you called me a f***ing Hispanic. What's your favorite one? She was just telling me. Well, share with the class. You gotta have your legs straight out. Guy's on top of you, you're on your back. You gotta put your leg up like this. You got the angle. What the f*** kind of can opener sh** are you talking about? So this leg's like this? Shut up, shut up. You told me to shut up? No, no, don't act like you didn't tell me to shut up. Is this my show or am I having a fever dream? My husband's name is Michael. So you just had a f***ing PTSD Vietnam flashback to your f***ing husband? Shut the f*** up, my can opener! Shut up! The kids are at school, we got 10 minutes! He's short as sh**. How short is he? About your height. About my height? F*** you. You're off to a rough start. Shut up, and you short as sh**. You love short men? Alright, now we're back on track. How tall are you? You're 5'9". How tall is he? 5'6". What a short ass b***h. 5'8"! He's got a big beard? Oh, not big. It's like down to here. Black beard. Got a couple greys. Why are you telling me all this? You think I'm a sketch artist? Why are you telling me all this? What's your name, sir? Woody. Brian's on my verse. Brian? Okay, dude, go with that. You got Brian on your d***? That's crazy. I can't believe your big hard d*** over Brian. That's insane. What do you do for a living? I run a f***ing house. Woody, you motherf***er. Shut up. On your W2, you write pimp? What are you talking about? You got a vagina for sale in your home. Yes, sir. You have women walking around. I don't know how expensive they are, but hopefully they're not $8. Oh, s***. If I was a prostitute, I'd be scared to charge $200. That's too much. That's too much pressure. Because if I pay $200, I need $200 on my head. And that's a lot of motherf***er. That's a lot of s***. $200, man, that's a pair of Jordans, dude. If you... You better f***ing... You better use your knees, b***h. Goddamn. $200. You kidding me? Kick me in the grundle. I don't even know what I want. Sir, hold on. I'm about to do a backflip. That would be so sick. Okay. That's what I would need for $200. I need a b***h to backflip into my urethra for $200. Stands up like Simone Biles. That's what I need for $200. Excuse me? She's definitely white. I can't even see her, but I know. The lights are black. I can't really see. It's okay. You can hear me. I definitely can hear you. You sound like you have a f***ing microphone up there. Who the f*** gave you a f***ing microphone? She's not white. This is awesome. The audience is heckling each other. She ain't white. F*** her. Okay. Well, hello, loud lady. How are you? Are you okay? I've never done this before where I can't see the person. I'm f***ing... Goddamn it. Okay. Well, what's your name? Okay. That's not white. You're right. What do you do for work, miss? I work with kids with autism. What's your favorite part about working with kids with autism? They are brutally honest. Have they said anything to you that's pretty brutally honest? Yeah. What did they say? You wanted this. Have they said anything to you that was brutally honest? Yeah. So, one of my kids wanted to have a snack, and I was like, you already have three snacks. Let's take it easy. Word. Well, you should take it easy. I love that s***. That's why my butt is small. You f***ing ate half of it, you fat b***h. F*** you guys. I can't see s***. So, I don't... Don't give me nose. I can't... I wish you could see... I can't see f***ing dick all right now. What is your name, sir, again? Jeff. Jeff. Can you come here for a second? Come up. Come up here for a second. All right. Look at what I'm looking at. What can you see? Nothing. Cool. All right. Thank you so much. I just wanted to verify. What are your other two jobs, madam? I work part-time at Panera Bread. Is that fulfilling? I get free food. You get free food. Uh-oh. All right. What is your name, madam? Helene. Like the hurricane. Is there a hurricane, Helene? Watch out. Are you flirting with me, Helene? I'll f*** you so much your nipples will be held straight. I will... After Helene, you don't go back. After Helene, you don't go back? Usually, that's supposed to rhyme. You're supposed to be like, yo, after going Helene, you're about to flick this bean like some fool. What is your hobby, Helene? I date. That's awesome. Where do you meet your gentlemen, Helene? I live in Florida. So, they're all dead. It'd be kind of cool to date as that. You know, you're like, yo, we're about to last one year. I know that for sure. Be specific on what the f*** you mean by that. What's the youngest guy you've ever dated, Helene? You want to be alive. Yeah, that's what the law says. You got to relax. You can't walk into the morgue and ----. You got a fresh one. What's the expiration date on this one? Oh, he's still warm. Everybody out. Sixty is the youngest guy? Yes. That's great. Can you still cum? F***ing a dead person and this is the problem? You guys were so on board with that. And I say, yo, are you still cumming? Ew! Are you kidding me? I might have a Puerto Rican girlfriend that would stab you. I would f***ing... You would rock my cradle? You think I'm f***ing around? I'm sick of you talking s*** to me. I would cure your osteoporosis. I would f***ing put Bengay all up in that s***. I don't know. Take some Werther's and put it in your ass. I know it's in your purse. Lavender candy and Werther's. I know it's in your purse. A lot of unused napkins for no reason? What are you, madam? Can I ask you a personal question? Can you still cum? Heat in the furnace. Got it? No, I didn't get it. You're speaking in backwards words. I don't know what you're saying. It may snow on the roof, but a lot of heat in the furnace. You're talking like a 1940s postal worker. I like this s***. What was the last date you were on, Helene? On Plenty of Fish. Did you do any? You're still alive? What the f*** does that mean? Try me? You would rock your cradle? You would rock my cradle? I would break your bones. You think I'm f***ing around? I'm sick of you talking s*** to me. I would cure your osteoporosis. This woman's out. F*** that. She's f***ing out. F*** me. She couldn't handle that furnace and the heat on the roof. Snow. No, she's not embarrassed. She loves you. It's okay. Are you good? You're not good? So honest. What's your name, sir? Jim. Hell yeah, Jim. Took you a little bit of s***. It's okay. Do you have any hobbies, Jim? You like to gamble? What's the most money you ever won, Jim? $142,000. $142,000? Are you guys together? You guys look very similar. That's a good thing in my culture. That you want to f*** the person you look like? Where's your cultural base? Alabama? What the f*** are you talking about? Look in the mirror, b***h. This, that. This with a beard and a d***. Can we do that? He's got a little egotistical. He's like, I'm trying to f*** myself. In the dog year looking back, hell yeah, I'm f***ing myself. Get in there. Damn, I'm f***ing the f*** out of myself. What culture is it, madam? I'm Arab. You're Arab too, sir? Pakistani. That is different? I'm f***ing stupid. I'm white and stupid. I don't know. My bad. It's very different. Okay. Cut that off the tape. What is the cultural differences? Oh, so Arabs are better? Arabs are better. But you're f***ing a non-Arab though. That's how good he is. Dude, cultural divide that p***y. That's what's up. Okay, so you're Arab? And generally do they within the Arab nation? Why am I being so f***ing weird with this s***? No, I just don't I don't want to say it. Okay. I don't want to get canceled in a news day. Wow, what do you do for work, sir? I'm a nurse. Ooh, okay. Damn, your family disappointed.