Michelle Buteau - I'm like an achievable Beyoncé for government workers

I have this wish, I haven't told anyone yet, but I really want Meghan Markle to let herself go, so I can play her on the crown. Oh, thank you for not judging me, I want it so bad! Just in a dark room somewhere in Buckingham Palace, getting tipsy on frosé, what? Eating chicken wings. That's my look now though, my look is like a Meghan Markle that let herself go, that's my look right now. You gotta know your look, okay? A lot of people think my look is poetry, people think I do poetry. That's something I get. I'm like, no, I don't read that much, I don't snap that much, honey, no. People think I sing, I look like a singer, I cannot sing, okay? The minute I start singing Happy Birthday, people are like, I am not turning my chair around. I feel like it's important to like, not only know your look, right? But know your type, what kind of type you're attracted to. It's also important to like, figure out whose type you are as well. I just learned a lot later in life that I am an achievable Beyonce for government workers. Oh my God, and if they're like, old black man, you better forget it, I'm like kryptonite, honey. Old black man named Curtis or Otis or Lawrence, anything ending in an is, it's where it's at, okay? My friends are like, can you like, go to a club with us, get us in the club faster, you're so friendly, cut the line. No, I am not about that club line, all right? If you want to go to the post office during Christmas, that's my look. I'll get you through that line, honey, okay? There is real power in making a government worker work a holiday, yes. I feel like in my 40s right now, I have no patience. I am so over everybody. I am like, so over it. Like in my 20s, I was a little drunk, a little shy, like I couldn't like, really say what I wanted, you know, couldn't speak up. In my 30s, I just like, so much empathy for everybody, I'm like, oh my God, what is your journey? I am so sorry. But now in my 40s, I'm like, get your ---- together, man, get your ---- together. You don't know, you're in your 40s. I cannot mess with an adult in their 40s or 50s that wears patent leather shoes in the summer. What is wrong with you? You're not in a musical, that is, uh-uh, that is uncomfortable, stop it. I can't **** with a 40-year-old or a 50-year-old that takes a pillow from their home and puts it on an airplane so they're comfortable. No, you cannot adapt, no. Oh, it's just going to get angrier, okay? I cannot deal with adults in their 40s and 50s who fall and make a meal out of it. What is wrong with you? Get up, I ain't telling you, get up. I fall all the time, I'm like a champ, I army crawl my way back up, I'm like, uh-uh, here we go, I'm fine, let's keep it moving, okay? Let me tell you something, I fell the other day so hard, I ate it on a movie set, okay? I do things, don't worry. And it was the last scene of the day, I was like, okay, good night, everybody. I turn around, I hit my head on the camera, I'm like, oh my God, as if I did it on purpose, it was so crazy. And then I was like, oh my God, I'm so dizzy, I'm going to fall. And then I fell and I was thinking about it, I'm like, don't fall on your hands because you're going to break your wrist and who's going to wipe your ass? Nobody. I've been married for 10 years, my husband's not doing that, okay? I don't even fart in front of him, I fart in the closet like Anne Frank, like, oops, sorry, next. And then I was like, I can't fall on my face, this tooth is expensive, I just paid it off 18 years later with insurance, I can't fall on my face. So I'm like, this is what's going to happen, I'm going to fall on my titties, it's going to happen. And I just dived like a low-budget Superman, I was like, here we go, bitch. And I fell on my titties and I bounced right back up like a seal. F*** it. I did it.