Killing at Too Funny Tuesdays - Tony Rock Stand Up Comedy

I feel like I was up here too long. I don't know how long I'm supposed to be up here, but they ain't paying me enough to go longer, so. Few minutes, I'll go a few more. I'll go a few more. I live right down the block too, so it's all good. I live in Silverlake. Who lives in Silverlake? Anybody live in Silverlake? You live in Silverlake? Who else? You live in Silverlake? Everybody else? Nobody else? Okay. Yeah, I live like right down the block. I was actually going to walk here, but I was like, nah, I don't know. I was like, I don't know. I don't want niggas following me home and ----. That nigga live right there. I am a consultant. I know where he will live. They see me at my house, they go, my baby daddy. He didn't like that ----. He was like, if I get in front of my daddy, they... He'll be like, you need a phone, bro? I got a phone. DBT? I got my DBT. One of y'all motherfuckers know somebody that was doing a smash and grab. Like, nigga, I got that bag. You want it, nigga? Where do you live in Silverlake? Where do you live? Mitchell Terrain. Oh, ----. Okay. All right. I live off of Silverlake Boulevard. See how we both was vague about where we live? Off of Mitchell Terrain. I'm not going to tell you where. I'm like, off of Silverlake Boulevard. Catch me if you can. There's a gay neighbor that's super gay. His neighbor is super gay. I didn't know that. Like, I'm a New Yorker. When I first moved here, I was looking for a house close to... I was looking for a house. That's all I wanted. I wanted to be able to get to the Laugh Factory and the Comedy Store quickly. So I didn't want to live in the valley. I wanted to live on the Hollywood side. And a couple of my friends was like, yo, look at Silverlake. And then my homegirls, my female friends here that lived here was like, don't move to Silverlake, nigga. I was like, nah, it's kind of close to the club. She's like, no, Silverlake gay. And I moved here because I was like, good. It's gay? Good. That's why I'm moving. You know why? Because it'll be quiet. It'll be clean. And I'll be ******* safe. So I can wear whatever. I go to the 7-Eleven with a red hat on. I don't get all that ----. Where you from, cuz? I give gay guys like, I like your hat. I'm like, perfect. Perfect. That's exactly where I want to live. I wear blue shorts. Denim. Like, yep. Safe as I can be. And my next-door neighbor, yo, I swear this is a true story. My next-door neighbor is really ******* flaming gay. Like, flaming. And he lives right next door to me, so he sees the activity going on in my house. So, you know, 2 in the morning, I'm bringing a bitch in, I'm loud. And she's like, come on, girl, you can throw up through the window. He'd be in the window like. And fellas know, the later it gets, the less attractive the booty call. So he'll see the 1 a.m. girls like, oh, she was cute. The next morning, she was cute. He'll see the 2 a.m. girls like, mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm. He'll see them 4 a.m. bitches in the morning, outside taking trash out the morning like, mm. Sometimes you just want to get something, huh? Y'all didn't know that? Y'all didn't know the later it is, the less attractive the booty call? Have you ever been to a nigga's house at 4.30? Oh, if the nigga hasn't said, I'm going to leave the door open, I'm going to bed, just let yourself in? I've done that ---- several times. Yo, door open, bitch, just come and get in the bed when you get here. I'm not staying up till 5.45, bro. They just coming, you up? I'm like Eddie Murphy in Boomerang like, don't make it darker, darker, darker. Women. Women, it's your girl, bro? Y'all together? You have children together? Okay, all right, I was going to say, is he your baby daddy? Y'all with all these girls? Just her, okay. These are your friends, you brought your friends to go out with him? Those are the friends that don't like your ass. You going where with Ronald? Bitch, we coming too. How long y'all been together? Two weeks, oh, okay. This is new ----, that's good, that's good. New ----, comedy club, the best place to go when you first start dating. Fellas, comedy club, the best place to go when you first start dating. I swear to God, what's your name, man? Brian. Brian, comedy club, when you first start dating, the best place to go. Because women love to laugh, right ladies? Women love to laugh. When she going to leave here, she going to be like, Brian, that was so much fun. Brian, I had so much fun. Brian, you are so much fun. Guess what, Brian, you ain't ******* fun, I'm fun. You want to get the pussy, I did all the work, Brian. You ******* owe me. I am a consultant for you to get the pussy. Two weeks in, two weeks on his best behavior. You want to go see some comedy? Two weeks in, you an all different dude right now. Give it two months. Come on, bitch, the movie's starting, goddamn. **** wrong with you. No of them bitches can't come. I ain't buying drinks for them three bitches. Oh, they give me some pussy? Well, there's going to be some thirsty bitches then. But right now, two weeks in, hey, girls, whatever you want, whatever it is. No, any friend of hers is a friend of mine. He going to drop you all off first. Go ahead, make sure you get in safe, get in safe. It was a pleasure meeting you ladies. Two months. Bitch, I ain't dropping you off. You better call that nigga. You better get a consultant. Consultant, bitch. I am a consultant. I will drive you home. I'm glad with you, bro. I'm glad with you, I'm glad with you. This nigga's going to want to fight when the show's over. He's going to land a nigga too. He's going to be outside like, hey, pussy-ass nigga. **** all that old ****-boy ----. Oh, pussy-ass nigga. I'll get that ************ in trouble, brother. That's what I'm talking about. Oh, pussy-ass nigga. I don't play that old ****----- pussy-ass boy. Oh, ****-boy. What's that? What is he saying? What is that? Is it a regional thing? What is it? He's like, I have no ******* idea what he's talking about. I have no idea. Well, ask him after the show. Ask the consultant. Oh, pussy-ass nigga. Come here and slap your ass like your brother got slapped, nigga. Alright, enough. Enough. That wasn't funny. I'm not over that ----. That ---- ain't over, just so y'all know. That ---- ain't over. Look at my face. That ---- ain't over. That ---- ain't over. That ---- ain't never going to be over. That ---- ain't never going to be ******* over. You hear what the **** I'm telling y'all? That ---- ain't never going to be over. That nigga hit my brother that ---- ain't never gonna be over. I was ******* furious. Ever been so mad you can't even think straight? Ever been that mad like you like you got to ask the Lord for help like Lord please calm my heart Lord Lord please calm my heart calm my heart Lord. And then when I calmed down I realized you know when you calm down you get clarity. When I calmed down I realized I was mad I was furious but I realized some of the anger some of the anger had to be directed at my brother. If I'm being honest I saw that nigga two days later two days after that ---- happened I saw him I was like number one first order of business nigga are you okay? He was like yeah I'm fine I said okay second nigga you have not been out the hood that long that you didn't know to do this ----. Hey nigga what the **** wrong with you? Every black person know that. Somebody go oh I told you nigga what the **** wrong with you nigga I'm your brother and you better get the **** out of here nigga. This nigga stood there like a goddamn lawn jockey like. And then he announced it. Oh here comes Will. Motherfucker got a running start. I was like Rocky I was like Mickey from the Rocky movie I was like get out of there Rock. Rock you'll knock your head off Rock. Get out of there. This ---- made me mad. I'm not gonna lie to you I was milking the ---- after that ---- happened I was milking that ----. I was milking the ---- out of that slap. I have not gotten that much sympathy pussy in my life. Six I've been trying to **** for years. Two of my brother got hit. You okay? I'm like he hit my right eye. Come here it's okay it's okay it's okay. Hey West Philadelphia boy. Rainbow finger. Worst hit of most of my days. I told my brother nigga I might start slapping you once a week. Keep this pussy train going. I'm dead. I can hear you you know. Who's that you? Who said that? I'm dead. I'm dead. Remember the fuckers coughing in the back stop it please. COVID's not over ************. COVID ain't over we just said **** it. That's what you and COVID. You know what you and COVID? **** it. That's what you and COVID. **** it. Cuz we was all in the house. Look outside one day you saw five people outside like yo it's five motherfuckers outside. Next day you look outside like yo it's 15 people outside. Next day you look outside you're like **** it let's go. That's what cured COVID. **** it. If anything if anything cured COVID. You know what cured COVID? The day you saw a person that you knew you were healthier than. The day you saw a person that you knew you were healthier than beat COVID he was like oh that nigga beat it? Let's go. We outside nigga. That nigga beat it. We outside. I know I'm healthier than that ************. That nigga was like it almost got me. COVID was ******* crazy. The whole ******* country was locked down. Crackheads outside like where the **** is everybody? Crackheads just outside like nigga we got the whole city. Now you know COVID ain't funny. They got so much so many ******* chemicals in them. COVID ain't do ---- to them. They was outside like what the **** is anybody worried about? In conclusion. Is the after party downstairs? Is it a club downstairs? What's downstairs? Is it like a party? Is it like amateur night what? Singing? No serious? You dead serious? Oldman Mike rappers downstairs? I want to go see this ----. Oh my god I want to go see some horrible rappers. I think they nice. Nigga did ----. What the **** did? Bop bop nigga what did? Is that why you're here nigga? You really performing downstairs? Are you lying about being a consultant ************? Are you a rapper from Atlanta? I'm just waiting my turn to go on nigga. I figure I would kill some time up here before I go downstairs and kill it as well. Who's your favorite rapper? Will Smith? I will punch you in your ******* face. That was a good one. That was a good one. But I knew he was lying because nobody ever said that. He was like there's a joke here hold on. I'm a consultant what will I say? Good one. Good one. Good one. He gonna be back in Atlanta. Did I told that **** boy I said nigga? me one day. Pussy ass. Little white ---- walk up to the mic. Your word is pussy ass. Can you give me the origin? Atlanta. Can you use it in a sentence? Pussy ass. Get that choppa. Pussy ass boy. Little black girl over there. Watch out nigga I got it. Pussy ass. P-U-S-S-Y-A-S-S-E. Pussy ass. That's right Shaquan Drunk. You're going to the next round. Look girl I got the pictures. Look at this ----. Who were you there with? Me and my baby daddy. Bitch you know I don't **** with Keisha. Cause Keisha's a fake bitch. Hey Keisha. What's your name baby? Shanice? Happy birthday Shanice. What birthday is this? 33? 33. 33. Happy birthday Shanice. Take a picture. Hashtag this is 33. Hashtag bro niggas don't get no pussy. Hashtag pussy boy. **** nigga. **** that little pussy. You know what? Older black women even better. Older black women even better. Ask an older black woman how old she is. She'll tell you her age and some ---- you didn't even ask. Ask an older black woman how old are you? 65? Pussy still tight? How old are you? 72? Suck dick better than 20 year olds. You like oh ---- you know Shanice? That's my granddaughter. Happy birthday Shanice. Be cool Brian. Brian's cock blockers y'all have a good time too. Consultant be cool. Baby daddy. Have a good night baby daddy. Y'all be cool I'm Tony Rock peace. Check the mic and make sure it sound right boys.