He Got Banned From Hinge • Help Me, I'm Single

I actually got banned over a year ago from Hinge. What'd you get banned for? I sent a little bit of a salacious message to someone. A little bit on the s**ting side. Oh, we're doing s**ting on the app? You haven't even moved it off the app and you're sending her a spicy message? Yeah. And so she reported you, obviously. So the sexy message was not well received. No, it was not. So lesson learned there. Hello, my name is Peter. I am 30 years old. I'm from the San Francisco Bay Area and I am a substitute while also in grad school. Awesome. Peter, thank you so much for being here. Thank you for having me, Blayne. We're excited to get to know you, talk about all things dating. But first off, welcome to Austin. Thank you very much. It's been a pleasure having me here. Is it your first time? This is my first time here in Austin. Okay. Have you done any, did you go out and do anything like fun, approach any women, anything to talk about there? Yeah. So I went out last night. It was a good time. Okay. I like whiskey. So it was a good time. Did you talk to any women? I did. Tell me about it. Yeah. So I first started off at Torchy's Tacos. Okay. Classic. Yeah. I got hit at Austin Institution or Texas Institution. Yeah. I don't know. Okay. It's definitely popular. Yeah. I talked to one girl. She actually was dating the bartender. So we were just chatting, getting some good recommendations for where to hit. Nice. Okay. But I definitely made like a cold approach thinking possibly single, but wasn't really sure what the vibe was. What was your opening line? Just simple. How's your Saturday going? Love it. Easy peasy. Then I hit the rest of the bars later that night, hit Sixth Street. As I said, approached two people, but they didn't really seem to have it. It was live music. So it's kind of hard to talk. Two people at once or two separate attempts? Two people at once. Oh, okay. So it was like two girls. I was by myself. So I thought it'd be easy to approach someone in a small group. Yeah. Something like that. Didn't really go anywhere? Didn't really go anywhere. That's a great story. You're off to a good Austin trip so far. What about your dating apps? Have you turned on your dating apps while you've been here? I have turned on my dating apps. Put my location on Bumble prior to coming here on passport mode. Actually had a video date with someone that I met. We might meet tomorrow. Okay. I'm not entirely sure if it works out. You or her? Me. Just because it might not work with my schedule. I guess it didn't work out to go on a date yesterday with her? No, it didn't, unfortunately. How's your dating app profile overall? I think it's decent. Let's take a look. Okay. Should we see? Yeah. Okay. Start with Hinge. I think Hinge is the most popular one to use. I got a story there for you. Let's hear it. So I actually got banned a little bit over a year ago from Hinge. From Hinge. What'd you get banned for? They didn't tell me exactly, but I have a good idea. And? I sent a little bit of a salacious message to someone. What was the message? I don't remember exact details, but I know there was one message that kind of pops out that was a little bit on the sexting side. What were you doing sexting on the app? I don't know. You haven't even moved it off the app and you're sending her a spicy message? Yeah. And so, okay. So she reported you, obviously. So the sexy message was not well received. No, it was not. So lesson learned there. Don't try to sex before you've met them in person. No, that's a good lesson for anyone watching. No sexting prior to a date. So it was kind of like a year of transition and kind of reflecting on that because Hinge is the most popular dating app. I was having a lot of luck on it before. I'm meeting up with some 10s, I would say, in the Bay Area. Wow, okay. My opinion, yeah. So it happened. Got carried away. Yes. Yeah. But you learned your lesson. Learned my lesson. But you were banned from Hinge. I was banned from Hinge. So I sent them a pretty lengthy email, not email, but appeal. I've redownloaded that. Apologizing. I have learned my lesson. I accept and take responsibility. Yes, exactly that. Did you say that? Yes, I did. I was like, I don't know what I did here. I know what I did and I have learned from it. Yeah. I also have bipolar disorder. Okay. And one of the symptoms is hypersexuality. So you told them that? I told them that. Listen, I'm bipolar. It was an accident. And it wasn't an accident. I'm conscious. I was conscious of my decisions. But there are some things that are out of my control because it's part of my illness. And apparently the Hinge gods listened. The Hinge gods listened. Okay. That's the first time I've ever heard somebody make an appeal to Hinge and actually get back on. Truly, never heard of it before. And I've heard of a lot of people who get banned and most people are like, I don't know why I got banned and I can't get back on. But it sounds like if you're banned from Hinge, the play is actually just to own up, take responsibility, apologize, throw yourselves at their feet and maybe you'll get back on. Yeah. So you want to take a look at that profile? All right. Let's take a look at what we've got here. Okay. Great first photo. Nice smile. You've got a good smile. Was this a professionally taken photo? No, this is off my iPhone. The iPhones can do pro quality now. Using portrait mode is definitely the way to go. What I would say about this, my quick feedback is body language is important and a lot of it is taken in even subconsciously. Having your hands in the forefront of the photo with them closed off is giving a bit of a closed off impression. So if I was to be critiquing this like very specifically, which I am, I would say lean your body back a bit and actually keep your arms down for more of an open posture. And I actually like the shirt you're wearing now more than this shirt too. Okay. So, and then a little more lighting where you're more shadowed on one side of your face could be helpful, but I like the background and like the quality is great. Dating me is like drinking an old fashioned with a twist. Okay, you get, I'd say you get one prompt. That's sort of like, I don't want to call it a throw it away, but it's like not telling me a ton about you. It doesn't tell me how Peter spends his time or how you, what you do on a day to day basis where like, that would be like a, what could make that better, but let's keep going. Okay. You've got a lot of like info up at the top, like no to the drugs, no to the marijuana, no to the smoking. You could condense some of these, like we just don't need to know like every single detail about you. If you are in their queue and you've, that you are swiping on women, you probably don't need to put that you're straight. You know, some of these things can be assumed. Same with your religious and political views. If these are things that are really important to you and you only want to date another Catholic. Okay. But if, is that true? Do you only want to date someone who's Catholic? If it comes down to like marriage, sure. It's something that's new to me. I'm not, I wasn't born Catholic. So do you, wait, you do want to marry another Catholic? I do. Yeah. Okay. So that sounds like it is important to you. So like, go ahead and keep that. But what I would say is like, if you are open to dating people of different religions, don't put that because it can give the wrong impression. That makes sense. And then moderate, I mean, that's, you know, you're kind of, you're not saying a lot by saying you're moderate. I feel like it's like, you're sort of like I'm in the middle. So I'd probably just remove that. Okay. The second photo, you got your Lederhosen's on, like that's cute. It's like showcasing like fun kind of travel. So I like that. What I would say though, is I would zoom in the photo a little bit. I'm just going to edit it here for you and pull you a little closer. You see that? Okay. So you're more centered and it's not so far away. Like you look really handsome here. So we want to get a better view of your face. So perfect. This photo, I'm not a fan of the selfies. Okay. It's just a bit too close. It's not telling us anything about you. It's just kind of like there. It's not adding anything. It doesn't show you doing something or any place interesting. Typical Sunday. Church, coffee, farmer's market, steak night cooked by yours truly. I like this. Again, it's highlighting church. It's saying that's something that's important to you and that's something you want to partner. So great. Let's like advertise that. Coffee. I would love even like, how do you take your coffee? Probably caramel macchiato. Okay. I like like typical Sunday, church, caramel macchiato, farmer's market for dinner supplies, steak by cooked by yours truly. See, making it just like a little more specific, painting a bit more of the picture. Me and my best friend. Okay. That's cute. You're with your friends. It's nice to have a group photo. I geek out on making maps. That's cool. See, this is telling me something interesting about you. I want to know more. This one's funny. It's like giving blue steel. So I like that. It's like a little later in your profile as opposed to up top. And then this last photo is what I like about it is it's showing what school is that? Penn State. Okay. So it's like highlighting that. But it's the photo quality itself is poor. Yes. You're nodding. You knew I was going to say that before I even said it. It's blurry. It's far away. I can't really see you. So that like closer up in portrait mode could be a really fun, funny photo highlighting something to talk about. But as is, it's not great. So I'd give your profile as is. We'll give it a B minus. Not bad. That's not bad. I'm not surprised you're getting some matches, but I think there's some low hanging fruit that could take you up a notch and we'll get you some more matches. Cool. But I'm happy to hear that you got back on Hinge. Yeah. It's popular and just a good way to meet people. Yeah. So, okay. Aside from dating apps, you just got back on Hinge. So it doesn't sound like you've had a lot of opportunity there to meet people. Were you going on dates from other dating apps? Not really. I was mostly working on court approaches. I love that. Tell me more. Just the other weekend, I went out to Campbell, which is a popular area in the San Jose area with a friend that was also single. We approached one group of girls because there's two of us. And we started off the line of what we're celebrating because it looked like they're celebrating something. It was just my birthday as well. So we kind of planned on celebrating and it turned out to be one of the girl's birthdays as well. Okay. So did that go well? It started off well and then kind of crashed and burned. Why? What happened? I think we lingered there too long. Classic. Yeah. We did an approach and then they kind of, I don't know if they got the ick or whatever, but even the bar staffer came up to me like, hey, do you know these girls? What are you doing here? Type thing. Oh no. The bar staff involved themselves? Not the bar staff, but there was like a restaurant bar type thing. They were like, it looks like you're bothering them. You should go. How long were you lingering by their table? Probably like maybe 15, 20 minutes. Are they seated and you're standing? Yes. Ooh. Okay. A lot to unpack here. It sounds like you've learned your lesson though. Yes. Okay. So I love that you approached a group with your friend. Like that's a good dynamic, like to have someone with you, a group. What are you celebrating? Great. You had your birthday to play off of. It sounds like you're off to a really strong start. What you could have done instead of lingering and having the outcome you had is like, okay, you make a good impression. You get a couple laughs. Like, cool. We're going to continue to the celebration someplace else. If we find a fun bar, how about I let you guys know, and maybe you'll come join us. Sounds great. See, and that's their reaction. They're not committing to anything. You get one of their phone numbers. Ideally, when they say yes, enthusiastically, you pass the phone to the potentially the girl you're most interested in. You get her number and you're like, cool. I'm going to text you right now. So you have my contact. Like, we're going to head out of here. Have fun if we don't see you. Yeah. So it's like you're not holding on to any hope. It's like you guys have better things to do. You're not like expecting them to entertain you for 15 minutes. And then we touched on this, but it's an awkward dynamic when some people are sitting and then you're standing. It's like you're menacing over their table, you know, like that is all the more reason to keep the interaction short. Always, always, always end on a high note. That is a really common mistake with approaching women is like, okay, it's going well. I want to keep it going. And it's like, no, no, no. Don't keep it going. If it's going well, like, great. You've done your piece. Get the number and go. Yeah. Does that make sense? Makes perfect sense. Okay. So next time now, you know, but I'm really impressed that you went and you did that with your friend. Did you have any other successes or not successes that night? We did approach one more group of girls, not group, but just two girls. The one that I approached was actually dating the bartender and was there hanging out with their friend. It seems like a common thing for you. It's just my luck. Yeah. But if you don't try, you never know. No reason. I mean, most of the women you approach either aren't going to be single or they aren't going to be interested. That's just the facts of approaching, which is why it's so important to approach a lot of people to find the one who you end up on the date with. He, uh, the girl that he was talking to, she was single. Okay. Um, but it didn't, just didn't work out. Didn't work out. What did he get her number or just like, it's not even that far. He, uh, dived in a little bit too deep. I think. Sounds like this friend too is maybe like we can blame him. He's leading you astray. No, no, no, no, no. He's a good guy. Okay. Good, good. Well, that's fun that you have a ally or a wingman to go out with and you're both single. Yeah. What else have you been doing to practice these cold approaches? Have you gone on any dates from approaching? Uh, not yet. Um, but it was one of those things where it's like, you just got to get out of your comfort zone and do it. Cause I was, I was banned from Hinge. So that was kind of my main go to. You're going to have no choice. I have no other choice other than to get out of my comfort zone. I love that. So where else, besides bars, have you tried approaching? Uh, coffee shops. Okay. How does that usually go? I just ask them what they're, how the day is going. Typically. That's kind of how I go to rent entry lines. Just a simple question. So walk me through it. Just like, Hey, how's your day going? Or is there like a lead up to that? Always. And you just piss off, um, extend the hand. Um, and be like, hi, I'm Pete. How's your day going? What do you, what are you drinking? It looks good. And then, yeah. You'll see if there's a vibe and either continue on or like cut your losses. Yeah. That's perfect. I like the very simple approach. Usually you can tell by their demeanor at that point. Is it like, okay. Like she's open to conversation, open body language, or she's like, it's a caramel macchiato. Yeah. And then you keep it moving. Okay. So no dates from approaches yet. Yeah. Okay. What do you think? Do you think it's a numbers thing? Like, do you just need to approach more? Is it like partially, like, can we be doing something better? Or is it like where, where are we falling? Why they aren't translating to dates quite yet? Um, I think it's just, I know I attracted a lot of people that live in my, my area. Okay. So it's kind of a destination type thing. And that's why I kind of venture out towards other cities in my, in the Bay area. So a lot of the people you're seeing where you live aren't actually people you want to go out with. That's correct. Yeah. Have you considered moving? Yes. I absolutely support moving. If you live someplace where you aren't around like-minded people or people you're interested in dating, sometimes people are like, well, that's like so extreme to be moving for somebody else. And it's like, well, no, you're actually moving for yourself in an effort to find people who you want to spend time with. So if dating is important to you, I fully support that. Yeah. But in the meantime, it's great that you're getting out there and you're practicing. Thank you. So you were off hinge. You haven't had a ton of success with the IRL. Like when was the last first date? Your last first date? Last first date was about a year ago as well. Okay. I would say that was my last official first date. Okay. What are you? Do you have some unofficial first dates? Yeah. There's kind of the hookup kind of date. Oh, okay. And that you like met people out. Yeah. So last official first date, where'd you meet her? On Bumble. Okay. After I had gotten banned from hinge, I was on Bumble in Sacramento and went on the apps because I was just there for a couple of days. Met a girl, matched, had a good first date. And then I went up again for a second date. And that's where things went south. It's like you're on a high a lot. And then it's like, yeah, it's kind of my life. It was for a Kinsey era. Wait, you took her to a Kinsey era? She took me to a Kinsey era. Okay. Not her Kinsey era. It wasn't hers. No, no, of course not. But it was for a family friend of hers. And I didn't know anyone. That's a bold second date at Kinsey era. Yes. Okay. I didn't know anyone there. And it was a lot of intense conversations brought up about like having kids. With her? With her on a second date. Okay. And like over committing too soon. She wanted a commitment. Yeah. She wanted a commitment on a second date. Yeah. I would say that's too soon. A little too soon. So how did you handle it? I just spoke my mind. I was like, hey, like you're, it's a great thing to know you, but I'm not, I can't commit to being in a relationship after a second date. Yeah. And next alone, not knowing if I want to have kids with you. Yeah. So that was kind of a big red flag for me. What was her response? A little bit of anger. Really? If my memory's correct. Yeah. So did you like stick around for cake or did you get out of there? The Kinsey era was kind of a distance away. So I had to just stay with the entire time is a little bit of an awkward. Yeah. Awkward time for me. Yeah. I would say. So did you guys drive together? So you have to like drive her back? Yeah. We had, we took an Uber because it was drinking of course. But I take it. There was no third date. No third date. No. Okay. What, and what about these unofficial hookup dates? Where are you meeting these women? Either on Facebook dating? Um, I had some success on Facebook dating. But for hookups more. More for hookups. Yeah. Is that something like in the conversation you're like, so do you want to come over? Do you like actually start with a date first? When I'm thinking of in particular, it was just like, Hey, do you want to come over? So what I'm hearing is it sounds like there's definitely an opportunity top of funnel to get in front of more women. You get both online and in person to go on more date that will hopefully translate to things getting past like the first or second day. They're just, you don't have enough shots on goal right now. Okay. So let's go back. What about your dating life before the past year? What were you like in high school? Did you have a girlfriend? Are you someone who's had girlfriends in the past? Have you been like the single guy? Tell me about that. So I had maybe one girlfriend, um, in the freshman year, um, that was pretty of an intense relationship. And that was like a first kind of high school relationship to me. And then I didn't have another girlfriend again until my senior year of high school. Okay. That's not so long. Not so long. Yeah. And then we were both going to the same college. So we met on the Facebook, uh, college page. Oh, wow. So this is like before pre like before Tinder was a thing. Wow. So you were like the OG meeting girl online. Yeah. Uh, so like we like got in like a comment thing and the messaging and then, uh, she lived nearby. So we started dating. So you did long distance for a while? Uh, no. Cause she lives in San Ramon, which is 45 minutes, 40, 35 minutes from Fremont. Yeah. And we started dating. Then I realized I didn't want to go into college with a girlfriend. So I broke up with her. But you guys are going to the same college. But we're going to the same college. So at first you're like, this is a great, we're going to the same college. And you're like, wait a minute. I don't want a girlfriend. Yeah. Um, we were in the same dorm. Oh, wow. How did that go? Did you have to like keep seeing her? Was it awkward? Or were you guys able to be friends? Uh, we definitely weren't able to be friends. There is, um, colleges, colleges hooked up maybe a couple of times and then it just fell through. I was like, I can't do this anymore. Any other girlfriends in college? I didn't have another girlfriend until my senior year. Okay. I was a senior. I just come back from studying abroad in Spain and I came back and I met this freshman. She actually. Younger woman. Yeah. So, but at this point you're probably 21 and she's younger. Yes. Okay. She actually kind of made the first move on me. Where did you meet her? It was at a Greek meetup. So I was in a fraternity. She was in a sorority and they match us up. We go on our socials together. So. Great. Okay. And then how long did you guys date? We dated for probably eight months from December until August. Oh, okay. So until you graduated. Until I graduated. She cheated on me. Oh, that's rough. I'm sorry to hear that. It's okay. I'm healed from that. I then got into another relationship too quick. Oh, you jumped. Jumped right into another relationship shortly after getting cheated on. Who was the next relationship with? She was older. Okay. She went younger and that didn't work. Let's go older. Yeah. So she was about eight or nine years older than I was. Oh, wow. Okay. Significantly older. Yeah. So I was like 22 and she was like 29. Wow. Okay. Where did you guys meet? We met at a bar. Did you approach her? Did she approach you? If my memory stands correct, it was kind of a mutual type of thing. And how long did you guys date for? A little under a year. Pretty significant. Yeah. And we moved in together. She moved in with me over the summer. We went to two weddings in back-to-back two different countries, Mexico, the United States. And I went to those weddings, had an amazing time, saw these amazing people get married. And this was the first marriage. Her friends? Her friends. Yeah. First time seeing like a wedding and experiencing that. And I realized I didn't want to marry her. And she was ready to get married. Yeah, more on that timeline. Yeah. But also like she probably could have seen her on that corner dating a 22-year-old. Perhaps. So it didn't work out. Didn't work out. You broke up with her. I broke up with her. And then I bought a one-way ticket to Spain. Back to Spain. I love that. I kind of realized I was still needed to heal from getting cheated on. I didn't really heal all the way. I kind of came into our relationship a little bit. Yeah, I love that. Buy a one-way ticket to Europe. What's a better way to heal? So and I knew that in this particular area, it would be pretty much impossible to date because my Spanish skills were decent for conversating, but not enough to have a relationship with someone. So you're like, I'm self-imposed exile from dating. Exactly. It was my purgatory where I just work myself, surf, work a little bit. I was an English teacher. Great. How long were you in Spain for? About a year and a half. And then COVID happened. Oh, wow. Okay. I went back to Florida. It was in Jacksonville. I had a great time dating there. Florida girls are nice. I did like the Florida girls. Yeah. What do you like about them? They're just different from people from California. Nicer. I dated someone there that was like really on par with the claim to like same career path forward. Kind of the very same intellect. Okay. And then I also dated someone within a certain community. Get a little spicy in here. I was... Tell us more. I like the Spanx. I was dating the BDSM community. Okay. I've always kind of been interested in that from college. How did you meet her? How did you find her within that community? They had a coffee shop meetups. That is like BDSM coffee shop meetup? Yeah. At like 10 a.m. and everyone's like there in leather? No, no, no. It's completely plain clothes. Unless you were paying attention to the conversation, you probably wouldn't even know. Okay. I don't remember exactly what happened. I got over committed to the relationship, which kind of happens from the... They call them the bottom. Bottom and top. Yeah. So, I got over committed to it and she was like, nope. And she broke things off with me. So, the partnership kind of faded. And then you moved on from that community? Yeah. Okay. So, I've definitely moved on. You explored back or was that like a one-time thing? That was a one-time thing. I think it was also kind of when I was off my medication being bipolar. I think I was a little bit to do with it. Uh-huh. So, it's not a community you're really interested in going back to at this point? No, but it's definitely useful knowledge I brought. Yeah, I'd say I can still spice up some non-BDSM relationships with the things you learned. Exactly. Okay. So, then you're in Florida. Then what happened? I moved back to California. Okay. I got laid off from my job, essentially. And I had another episode with my bipolar. And then I moved back to California. And then I've basically been single since. And so, that was a couple years ago? Yeah. Okay. And so, now what is it that you're looking for? I'm looking for my forever person. I've never had a relationship over a year, for example. I haven't had that milestone when it comes to dating. So, I'd really like to be in a long distance, or not long distance, the long-term relationship with someone. Yeah, that makes sense. I really enjoy spending my time with. Is marriage important to you? Yes, marriage is important. I guess that makes sense, being Catholic. Can you say being Catholic is something that's new? Yes. When did you pick that up? I had another episode in California. Okay. Probably my worst one. That episode ended with a suicide attempt. Oh, no, I'm sorry to hear that. I'm all good now. Okay. I got a new medication that I only have to do an injection once a month, and I'm fine. Wow, that's amazing. And you're feeling great? I'm feeling great. I'm so happy to hear that. So, all my episodes I've had, they've kind of resulted in some type of religious magnification. I imagine that would be a very helpful grounding mechanism, to have that community and that thing that you go back to, that is structured and helps you find alignment. Is that accurate? That's very accurate, yeah. So, yeah, I understand why it would be important to you to find somebody else who also values that community, follows that practice, walks that walk. You understand each other a bit more. Are you familiar with some of the Catholic dating apps? I did try one, the main one, Catholic Meet or something like that. And I actually went on one date with someone that I went to high school with. Oh, no way. But she was a little bit... Religion is important to me, but it was just too much religion in a date. It was too important to her. It was too more. Yeah, exactly. Well, maybe when you move, wherever you end up landing, finding a younger community, maybe even exploring that before you decide where to move. I understand your job dictates it some. But if you go to some of these cities, if you're deciding between a few cities, it feels like it could be worthwhile to visit some of the churches, talk to some of the people your age there. Because that seems like, as we said, a really good place, like a jumping off point for building community with like-minded people. Yeah, definitely. Moving forward. Yeah. Any questions for me based on what we've already been chatting about? Yeah. When's a good time to bring up mental health and mental illnesses? It's almost, for me, in my head, it's almost like having an STD that you should bring up very early in the dating time frame. So what are your thoughts on that? Yeah, first of all, that's a great question. And it is something you want to be thoughtful about. So I love that you're considering it. I would say you need to bring it up when it becomes relevant, sort of like having an STD. I wouldn't recommend bringing up an STD on a first date unless things are headed in the direction of sex. Same with your bipolar. I wouldn't necessarily say it's definitely not something you bring up before the first date. And I don't think it's even appropriate on the first date. I would say as you're getting to know each other more, that could be someplace between date three and date five. When you feel comfortable and you've built some trust with this woman, you can share that. And the key with sharing it is you want to have a very clear, concise and confident talk track around it. So when I say talk track, that's more or less a script you've already thought through. You don't want to just think you're reading a rehearsed monologue about it. But you do want to be clear about what it means to you, how it impacts your life, but how it's also something that you live with and doesn't define you. So you don't want to overshare and get really, really deep on it. There's no need to over talk about it and over explain, but you want to give her just enough info that it's something she's aware of and not worried about. So oftentimes, especially for a woman who doesn't know anything about bipolar disorder, if you just say you're bipolar or you drop it in conversation, she might imagine worst case scenario in her head. What does that mean for us? What does that mean for like if we had children together? What does that mean for this and that? So you want to give enough information that gives her some clarity on what it means for you while being less scary. Okay. So touching on things like how it impacts your life, how you still live a relatively normal life, and how you control it would be a good starting point. So do you want to try like how you might say that to me on a date and I can give you feedback? Yeah. Give me a little second to think about. Yeah. Think about like we're on a date. Let's say it's our third date. We've hit it off. You're seeing like, okay, I want to see this person again. So I want to share this with her. Okay. So yeah, go ahead and think about it. All right. Hey, Blaine. There's something I want to talk to you about. I have a medical condition. I'm bipolar. I just want to let you know, just I didn't want to lie to you if anything were to come up about my past. Maybe my past makes a little bit more sense now with me moving around the country, around the world a lot. But yeah, it's a mental health condition. I'm okay now. My medication works for me. Took a while for that to figure out what exactly proper dosage is and what medication would work for me. So that's kind of why I've had so many different episodes in the past. But now I'm great. Episode free for the last two years. So yeah, I just want to let you know that. That was a really good start. So a few things. That was obviously your first time trying it. So I think we can perfect it a little bit and get it a little more seamless. A few things that initially stood out to me is I don't think you need to reference the episodes because she doesn't know about them yet. Okay. And I also think like you moving around the world, like, yes, you might attribute some of that impulsiveness to the bipolar disorder. But a lot, I've moved around the world a lot. And like, I think it's something that's really cool about you that you've had so many different experiences. But when you frame it like that, it almost sounds like you view it as a negative, which I don't think you do having chatted with you. You know, I think it sounds like it's something that has shaped your life and you've had some really neat experiences. Yeah. So thinking about that a little differently, what if you said something along the lines of like, hey Pete, I wanted to share something personal about myself that's a big part of who I am. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. How many years ago? Five. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder around five years ago. I'd been having some manic episodes leading up to that, which led to the diagnosis. I've worked on it a lot in the past few years and I've luckily found a medication that works really well for me and has me feeling like myself and being able to live my life in a productive way. I haven't had an episode in two years, but it is something that is still a big part of who I am. So I just wanted to be upfront with you about it. I really like how you ended that with, I want to be upfront with it. Yeah. Because I think you'd said something like, I don't want to lie. And like, you're not lying. It's not something you owe anybody an explanation on. It's something that's personal to you and like you're sharing at the right time. And then I think asking like, no need to like reply right now, but if you ever have any questions about it, I'm happy to be an open book or I'm comfortable talking about it. So you're creating an open line of conversation because in the moment she might just think like, oh, okay. But then later she might be like, oh, I don't, I want to ask these things. I have all these questions, but I don't want, I don't, is it awkward? So like leaving that line of communication open shows that you're comfortable with it. You're confident in it. And it allows her to come to you if she has any further questions. Okay. Does that make sense? That makes a lot of sense. Yeah. I think that's exactly right. And any, really anything that comes up on a date, like why you've moved around a lot, where you live now, why you are moving to move from this place to that place are conversations that you want to have thought about talk tracks on. So you want to have clear, concise, confident answers in mind because you know, they're going to come up, you know, like how you ended up in the city you're in, what made you go back to school? Like why you were in Spain during the pandemic. So just think about how you're going to answer those that shine you in a positive light. Because the same experience explained one way can be like, wow, that's a really cool thing that Pete did. Versus like, I'm kind of confused. That was like kind of like weird, you know, just said differently. Yeah, definitely. So that's definitely something that I think would be valuable to think about, especially as you start leaning into your dating out more or excuse me, into your dating life more and start going on more dates. Start thinking about those conversations now and practice them a bit more. Okay. And I guess another question would be like, how to get beyond the surface level conversations, like on maybe like date two or three. Yeah. To really start weeding out who I should maybe invest more time with for a relationship versus cut them out. Yeah. So I think for you, the important part is getting really clear on what you want. So you've lived so many different lives and had like really cool experiences. But thinking forward, what is it that you see in your future that would make you really happy and provide you with a really good relationship? So what values, what like even interest areas, like would you like to see in a partner and asking about those things. So, and another way to get deeper, to have her get deeper is to share about yourself. So being vulnerable and sharing about the bipolar disorder and some of the life experiences you've had, maybe because of that and framing them in a way like, yeah, the bipolar disorder used to make me have the tendency to be more impulsive. While that cannot be a good thing, it's also led to some cool things. Like I moved to Spain, I bought a one-way ticket to Spain. I ended up joining like a BDSM community in Florida. Telling some of those stories in a way that's like the thing, the positive things that came from them will then ideally make her feel comfortable also being vulnerable and opening up. And I think once you both start sharing in those ways, it becomes clear if there is a path forward and this is somebody who you could, you know, start building a relationship or a life with versus like, oh, we really don't see eye to eye. Okay. So you don't need to overshare about your experiences, but at appropriate times sort of, you wanna be like the onion, like you're peeling back layers, sharing more and more will help highlight whether or not you're compatible. And how are things different for women when it comes to where if they're in their twenties, now going into their thirties. So I just turned 30. I feel like 30 is an interesting year because you can probably still date around the younger twenties or upper twenties. But then also dive into upper thirties and that thirties. And how does that shift for a mindset for a female? That's a great question. You're totally right. You're sort of right in the middle. You can date women younger than you in their twenties and you would date women older than you in their thirties. And the biggest difference that women see or that really they change from their twenties to their thirties is they generally become more serious about finding a long-term partner. So in their twenties, they might be more focused on the fun and like who's gonna be a good time. And then the closer they get to a 30 and into their thirties, their priorities shift from like, who's gonna be fun to who can I see long-term compatibility with? Who's gonna be a good provider? That doesn't mean like necessarily who has the most money, but who's going to be able to step up when times get tough, who has goals and is going places with their life. So if you're looking for somebody who you're compatible with longer term and who you can build a relationship with, my advice is to focus on women who are also in that phase of looking for a life partner versus just looking for fun. Because I see men all the time, like, oh, I match, they say they want the long-term, but then they match with this like really hot 25 year old. And it's like, well, like I think like once she's done with her party phase, like then she'll be interested in settling down. It's like, no, you are way better off finding somebody who is at the same point as you than somebody who's at a different point thinking that they're going to change. Makes sense? Makes sense. Yeah, where do you feel like you fall? Like you're ready for that next person. It sounds like that's like gonna be the one and longer term. When it comes to like who I'm looking for, definitely someone loyal. A lot of the stuff that I study in my future work is very serious and gets into some pretty intense situations. So it's like someone that I can go home and like have a laugh with, you know, like someone that's also just like a funny side. Okay, you like type A, like very like. Very type A, yeah. You like that. Yes, I guess my life in the past has been unstructured. So it kind of makes me more compatible with someone that's very structured. Okay, that makes sense. Yeah, you balance each other out. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, any other questions? Any other thoughts on your dating life? How I can be helpful to you? When it comes to like, I have no problem getting a first date, but it seems like there's something that's going on in that first date that's not leading to a second or third date. Like, I guess you would have to see me on a date to see why exactly that happens. But like, I don't know if it's something that I like don't want to get too vulnerable with and like kind of have like commitment issues or something like that. You feel like you don't want a second or third date or they don't want a second or third date? They don't want a second or third date. So about those talk tracks, like why is it important to have them is because women want men who feel like they know what they're doing, that they are going places. And if your past feels like jumbled and she can't quite comprehend it, then she's not going to assume that you have a cohesive path forward. So being able to paint a cohesive picture of your past and how you ended up where you ended up is also going to help her see that there is a bright future and that you are going places that she would also like to be. Where if it feels like the past is like muddled and confusing, then maybe she's going to assume that that's what your future is going to look like. And that's not something she's going to be as excited about. Okay. That makes sense. Cool. Another question I have is, how do you move past to from the emotional to like the sexual? Like when should that be happening in dating life in your 30s? Because I feel like the hookup culture is kind of dying down and girls want more than just a hookup. Yeah. So like, how do you work that into the relationship moving forward and dating someone in their 30s? I would say there's not a huge difference necessarily. You're absolutely right that hookup culture is more of a 20s thing. But especially if you're going on proper dates, it's really going to be dependent on that person and you and what you're both mutually comfortable with. So that is something that you have to uncover with them by appropriately escalating things physically. So I really think of emotional connection and sexual connection as two distinct things. The emotional doesn't necessarily transform into sexual. You're always have your emotional connection. You always have your sexual connection and you always have your intellectual connection. Yeah. So you want to build across all three. And if any one of those is missing, it's probably not going to feel like the well-rounded relationship that she's looking for. So on a first date, what building a sexual connection might feel like could be as simple as touching her knee as you're talking to emphasize a point or helping her with her jacket. So you have the opportunity to touch her shoulders, offering a hug at the beginning of the date, going for a kiss at the end of the date, if it feels appropriate. I'm actually, there's no set rules here. There are plenty of happily married couples who have had sex on the first date. And likewise, there are plenty of happily married couples who waited till marriage to have sex. So there isn't necessarily a right or wrong. It's just about finding what you are both comfortable with. And that's going to be starting slow. Like the things I mentioned and then watching her reactions. If when you touch her knee, she seems receptive to it. Next time, maybe you hold your hand there a little bit longer. At that point, does she lean in or touch you back? Or does she lean away and turn her body away? That would obviously be a sign to back off. So really paying attention to, so you can pick up on what she's comfortable with and then building from there is key. All right, that sounds great. Any final questions? I think that kind of sums it all up. Great. I feel like your biggest opportunities right now are just going to be top of funnel, getting in front of more women, especially as you decide where you're going to move, like building community in those areas to meet women in person. And then really developing those clear talk tracks. If you have an intentional message that you are giving and you can cohesively speak about your past. And then building along with the sexual connection of physicality at an appropriate time on dates is going to set you up for success moving forward. Excellent. That's all we're here for. I love it. Well, Pete, thank you so much for being here with me. If you enjoyed this episode of Help Me, I Am Single, make sure you tap that subscribe button and tune back in for future updates. Thanks.