Dating After Divorce Be Like ｜ Charlie Wilson ｜ Stand Up Comedy)

Ain't nothing like that first day out when your check just hit, you know what I'm saying? I like that ----. I done had some struggles in my life though, man. You ever go out, you know what I'm saying, when you should have just stayed home? That's the worst. I used to go out on like Thursday night because I knew my direct deposit might just tap in in time. You ever do that ----? They'd be like, yeah, man, we finna go over to GLOW. You know, some club. It's always one word, one syllable. FLOW. GLOW. We finna go over to MOE. Whatever the **** it is, you know. And you know, Sam Will, you should probably stay the **** at the house, but you go anyway. You ******* slide out the house and every few minutes, you can't even have a good time because you're waiting for your ---- to hit. You know what I'm saying? Everybody at the bar getting drinks. Shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots. You're like, ha, ha, ha. Checking your watch and your account and ----. You got to pull your Chase app open. Nah, check, nah, check, nah, check, nah, check, nah, check, nah, check, nah, check. Shit, cool as ****. And I'm out here from L.A., man. Cali People in the House, what's happening? Okay. So y'all already know, when you go out in L.A., you need your check. You need your check. You need all of it, not a piece. You need your check. They hit your ass aggressively. They'll give you a crazy-ass price for a drink with no hesitation. I was at one of them cute bars in L.A. I was like, yeah, man, let me just get a Jack and Coke. Look me straight in my eyes. No hesitation. She was like, yeah, that'll be $22. I said, what? I said, I just want one. She's like, yeah, $22. I said, goddamn. I said, hold on just a minute, man. Let me open this Chase app. You ever try to check your app in front of the bartender and they ain't got no internet in this bitch? Embarrassed, nigga. Embarrassing. I was so broke, I didn't want to chance it because I'll get that ******* overdraft fee. How much that fee be hitting? Okay. We got some other struggling-ass people in here. Okay. She was like, $35, some bullshit. I had to step away. I was like, yeah, I'm going to get a drink, man. I'm going to be right back. You ever have to go outside? You be out. Ain't got no Wi-Fi in there. I'm trying to see what this Chase app here for real quick. But I'm a love for life, man. It's been a beautiful story, man. To give you all some back history on me, I'm originally from Shreveport, Louisiana. Anybody from down south in here? Down south? Okay. That's pretty light. South Vegas? What the **** is going on, man? Nobody? And this bitch, where you from, bro? My people from New Orleans. What the hell up? Your people? Motherfucker, I'm talking about you. What kind of ---- is this? You know what I'm saying? This is why we can't connect as a society. You know what I'm saying? Nigga trying to relate. This ************ from Missouri talking about my people. **** out of here. Like all people are the same people and ----. You know what I'm saying? I'm from Shreveport, Louisiana, baby. And it's interesting, man, because my name is Charlie. You know what I'm saying? And I got to learn at a young age how strong first impressions and the strength of a name at an early age. Because my mom was from Compton. You know what I'm saying? My dad is from Louisiana. Strong country boy. You know what I'm saying? They fell in love. My mom ain't never seen no country nigga like that before in LA. You know how they roll up down south, you know what I'm saying? Little bowlegged and ----. You know what I'm saying? My daddy had them strong working hands, all ashy and crisp and ----. She was like, oh, ----. So they hit it off in Louisiana, man. They worked hard. My mama was in banking. My dad worked on the railroad. And he was military and ----. Shout out to the military in here. What's up? Appreciate y'all's service. And my dad, God rest his soul, he worked very hard to provide a good lifestyle for us. So my mom and dad, they said, we're going to get a house. And the realtor was trying to steer them to move in a certain community. You know what I'm saying? My mama was like, **** that. I want to stay over here. It's the best education. This is where I want my kids to stay. It was clean. It was nice. The education was prime. Now, by me giving you all this information, you could probably assume that this neighborhood was very, very. I wasn't going to say it. You see it? Very white. It was. We were the only black people in this neighborhood, y'all. And I got to meet my neighbor. My neighbor came out. He was like, hey, what's up? Welcome to the neighborhood. What's your name, fella? And I was like, oh ----, man. I was like nine. I was like, hold up, nigga. You should be asking me questions. And I was like, Charlie, he threw his Marlboro cigarette. Welcome to the neighborhood. I like that. It's digestible. I was like, oh ----. And I was, I was like, okay, that was my first impression. Right. And when I tell y'all my neighborhood was white, just it was white. Okay. Go ahead and ask me how white was it, Charlie? My best friend's name was Dylan. That's, uh, I mean, you know, that's, uh, it's pretty white, pretty white. It was white as hell. You know what I'm saying? And it wasn't until I got into, you know, middle school and ----. We moved to another side of the neighborhood. My mom put us in youth sports. You know, young fellows, y'all know you get in youth sports. You get to meet all the brothers from your community. You know what I'm saying? And I realized I was a little different because now I was around some black, black kids. You know what I'm saying? I didn't have the same confidence I had when Dylan was around. Black dudes, they walk up on you. They question you real quick. I showed up with a heel figure shirt on tucked in and ----. It was like, hold the **** up, man. What's your name cuz? Oh ----. Charlie, Charlie. And I was insecure, man. I was terrified because I didn't even have that strong black name. They all had strong black names like Hakeem, you know what I'm saying? Rashad, you know what I'm saying? Give me another strong black name. Come on, nigga. That's racist, man. What the ****? **** is going on, Vegas? It's the first ---- we hear in this ************. Somebody else give me a strong black name. Mustafa. You don't know not one Mustafa, ************. That is a fictitious name, my nigga. Y'all need some more black friends. This is some bullshit. Tunday. That's not better, ************. These are not regular niggas, y'all name. And this is crazy. Tunday, Mustafa. These old fictitious ass Negroes. What's your name, brother? God damn it. Let's just shut up. This nigga's name Anthony. I was expecting some regular black ----. Yeah, Rahim. That's good. Thank you, sweetheart. I appreciate you. Okay, what's your name, baby? Colleen. You look like a Colleen. Okay, that's Colleen right there. But life has been switching up, man. I'm back on a date and seeing this ----. I'm happily divorced. Divorced people in here? Hell yeah, you look happy. Hell yeah, nigga, right here. I've been delivered. Okay. Back on a date and seeing this ----. It's changed, man. Shit has changed. You know, back in the day when it was time to make love. I'm what you call demisexual. I need a connection. You know what I'm saying? Back in the day when it was time to make love, there were things you did, steps you took to let the woman know it's about to go down. You know what I'm saying? These days, they just meet you. Hey, my name's Charlie. They pull their dick out. Back in the day when it was time to get it on, you used to do ----. You know what I'm saying? Remember back in the day, you used to pull that ******* shoebox off the shelf full of cassette tapes. You know what I'm saying? And you had to wind that string up in there before you had to get that bit playing. You wind that string up. Hold on, bitch, you next. Hold on, let me get this tape. All the young people look confused. What's a cassette tape? And then after the cassette tape era, what came out? What was we listening to? ------- CDs. What the ****, Marvin Gaye? Where was you when I was asking black names? Don't come up with this blackness now, nigga. We pulled out CDs, and it was the same thing but a little different. They'd be like, oh ----, you trying to... Hold on, baby girl, I got something for you. We had that big, thick-ass CD, DVD case. Hold on, bitch, don't move. I got something for you. I got a lot of DVDs in here. Hold on. You want to watch The Nutty Professor? Because we could... Never mind, hold on. You grab that Boyz II Men CD. What? Put that ---- on. You know what I'm saying? But it wasn't the store copy. You know what I'm saying? It was bootleg. It was written with a Sharpie. You know what I'm saying? It was written with a Sharpie. She said, Boyz Men. But you knew what it was. You know what I'm saying? Then it was time to go down. Although we've come to the end. It was going down. She knew that. Now what are we making love to? That's exactly what the **** is out here going on. ------- nothing. YouTube music and ----. YouTube music is cool till you **** around and realize you ******* to a ******* commercial. You ain't got the free version. You're like, hello bitch. I got something for you. Welcome to Home Depot. You'd be like, oh ----, ----, ----. Not sexy at all. Not sexy. Mamas, you ever had to call a timeout during sex? Not sexy at all. I was hitting this one chick one time. You know, I'm back on the streets. Knocking her down. I'm sweating so hard. Sweat was dripping on the back. Just drip, drip, all on Colleen's shoe. Drip, drip, drip. I just rubbed it on her cheeks. Come on, bitch. You don't know who you ******* with. Come here. But you ever have to call that timeout? You ever get so hot where you got to stop what you're doing? Be like, hold on. What you got the air on in this ************? What's the... You got to stop what you're doing and get out the pussy for a minute. Now she looking at your naked booty at the thermostat. Hold on. What the ****? Put the air on in this bitch.