My Navy SEAL Brother Is the Funniest Person Alive ｜ Trish Suhr)

Then God gave me one sibling, one sibling he gave me, and I got a brother, yes I did, tiny baby Jesus, he gave me a brother, who happens to be now a Navy SEAL. You're welcome, yeah. He has the respectable gig, yeah, give him some love. But he's the kind of guy, and I don't know if y'all know anybody in your life like this, my brother has no business being a civilian, do you know, like a little forest gumpish, that's my brother, going into the SEAL program, he's 6'4", my brother, he went in at 165 pounds at 6'4". We were terrified, I know he looked like Gumby, it was a head, weird appendages, I was like, they're gonna snap his in half, he'll never make it. Well, he comes through the SEAL program, baby, and he is 6'4", 225, and hotter than fish grease, yes. And I can say that because it's legal in Kentucky, ma'am. Gotta know your people, honey, know your people. I mean, best part about him, though, is he's not the, you know, he's not that he's not bright, he's just real simple, in the best kind of way. And he is stationed just south of me in Coronado Island, which is just south of, it's in Southern California, just south of Los Angeles. And so, he and I will come up, meet, and watch ball, because Kentuckians love our basketball, that's what we do. And we were sitting at the sports bar, and this little LA booby girl, honey, comes bouncing up to him, and she's, um, excuse me, can I have a cocktail napkin? And without turning around, my brother grabs a stack of napkins and goes, there you go. I'm waiting, she's waiting, finally she just bunny-hopped off into feet, like, that works every time, oh my god. And I waited till she got out of earshot, and I was like, Dave, buddy, what are you doing? That little thing's hitting on you. He goes, Trish, that's a crock of crap. When you went to take a piss, three other girls asked for the same thing. This place has s*** customer service. Yeah, that's who's keeping us safe, America, yeah. Well, that's who you want, though. You know, he ain't get distracted by a whole lot. He's got one thing to do, and by god, he's gonna do it. That's always been him, since he's a little baby child, just a bit off. He's always been quizzical, quizzical, quizzical about the wrong things. When I was 12 years old, and I just, y'all become family, I haven't told any of these, this is another story, never said out loud, we'll find out together if it works. When I was 12 years old, I got my period, you're welcome, very young, and single mama, she was like, you're gonna have to learn how to put on a tampon, because I don't have time for all this s***. Oh, okay, thanks, Jude, terrifying. And I don't know if you had this mama, too, if she'd already gone to the store, she put stuff on the stairs, because she's done her damn job, you have to take it upstairs. Anybody else? If she shopped, if it landed on the damn stairs, you better sherpa that to the locations it goes. So all these Gen X kids, and Gen Z kids don't know where to put things away, because they're like, where does that come from? I'm like, what? Somebody bought it, and now you have to sherpa it. So I was home in the summer with my brother, he is 10, I am 12, and my brother was like, what are all these things that mom puts all over the house? All the sinks, Trish, what is this? What is this? Tampax, what is this? And I'm like, David, and I didn't want to have to have a whole conversation about this with my 10-year-old brother who was not really all there. And I said, David, don't worry about it, it's girl stuff. He goes, well, I should know, I live with two of them. Valid point, right? Valid point. And I was like, don't worry about it, David, it's stuff you don't have to worry about until you really have to live with one and pay bills. He goes, oh, I don't know, they're everywhere, they're just everywhere. So he's following me up to the bathroom, and I'm about to take a shower because we had to go out to see friends, and I was like, David, just let me get dressed. He goes, okay, fine. And he stops me at the door, and he goes, but you've got to tell me what those tampax are. I go, fine, they're bottle rockets, dude, okay, and just shut the... I was 12, I was trying to think fast on my feet. I didn't know. I shower, I get out, it's the summer in Kentucky, so, you know, that one window of time we can open our windows and not die of bugs and humidity. It's that first little click of summer. And I've got the window open in the bathroom, and I'm getting out. And when you're responsible as the older child, and you smell smoke, you're terrified. And I'm like, oh, God, he's burning the house down. I smell smoke, I open the door to the bathroom, no smoke in the house. I look out in the backyard, and there he is. He's got a bowl of water, a pile of wrappers, and then I see next to it all these burnt up looking things, just singed up. And he goes, Trish, don't panic. It was a box of duds. And who got their butt beat? Not me. I mean, not my brother, me. I got my butt beat for not telling him the truth, because he's baby child. And I lied to my brother, and he wasted tampons. Woo!