Gary Owen Live in Houston 2025 ｜ Vasectomy Story & Audience Roasts!)

Because that's the dumbest ---- I've been hearing when guys be saying that ----. Well that was an unexpected pregnancy. I'm like, what am I gonna do, nuttin' her? The **** you think's gonna happen? Damn. The white lady. Butthole, nut in the ass. Come on, you Catholic? Are you Catholic? Catholic girls will let you get in the ass. No, I'm saving my pussy for marriage. I could be in the asshole all day though. I'm like, I think this is worse. What are you gonna do, get to heaven? I told you Lord, I saved myself to marriage. I've had ten dicks in my ass though. I didn't know how I feel about a movie she said that ----. No, no, not my pussy. Just my ass. You nasty ************. I checked into the Ritz Carlton. I wanna go through the front door. I'm trying to sneak in through the back. Oh my God. Thanks for sharing. It was funny. She goes, nah, asshole, butthole. And the dude even looked at her and he goes, what? He took a drink, ************. You must have not, huh? Who what? Oh, you did my vasectomy. Oh, what's up, doc? I forgot you did *******. He sold my balls. That's really my doc. That's fucked up. I kept looking at you like, ****, I noticed ************. I didn't recognize you with my clothes on. I kept staring at this ************. How the **** do I know you? I can't believe I told that joke and you're here. That's pretty accurate though, right? Was the box sticky? I tried my best, doc. The **** you got me waiting 60 days for? 30 ejaculations? That was stupid. Then the ************ calls. Hey, how's it going? Everything working out? I was like, yeah, everything's good. All right, later. He just hung up. I go, oh, he didn't really care. He didn't really care. If he really cared, he would have actually held a conversation with me. Everything coming out all right? You good? Yeah. So, so far it works. I've nutted in my girl so many times. She keeps saying, we didn't get the results back. If you get pregnant, I'll sue. I really can't believe you're here. I literally was thinking, I might talk about my vasectomy tonight. And you guys all ride together? Oh, ****. Now they're going to be talking about my dick and balls on the way home. Yeah, it was cold that day when I... I'm going to give Gary the benefit of the doubt, it was a little chilly in my office. Let me tell you what this ************ does, though. I'm in there, you know, I don't know him. I'm just like, hey, hey, hey, what's up? He's just sitting in the office. We're having a casual conversation. Oh, you're from Cincinnati? Yeah, I got my degree from Cincinnati. Yeah, I like UC. Drop your pants. Anyways, the broadcast is really good. He's playing with my nuts, he's still talking football. Yeah, so, CJ Stroud, he should have a good second year. I hope he does. I'm sure I'm glad they got a stiff on dick. I don't think it's going to last very long. I go, dude, could you stop talking until I pull my pants up? I literally just sucked away. And then he apologized. Sorry, man, I've been looking at balls all day. I'm trying to distract myself, all right? How was I, um... How many people were actually on me when I was getting my bisexuality? Was it just you? Did you have nurses? Was it a nurse? A girl? ****. Was it a black girl? No. Hispanic? Okay. Good. I don't need a black girl. Now I know I ain't got a new boy. But look, everything came out good. So if anybody's looking to get snipped... That's your guy. So if you guys are looking to nut all over Houston... That's the guy right there. So... It's rare in my business you get surprised, but that was shocking. The ******* chance I'm talking about my bisexuality... And I can't wonder why he kept hitting everybody. That was a good-ass snap. Who cut my balls off? Who shaved them? They did a good job. I ain't gonna lie about that one. That was a hell of a barber you got there in your office. ------- took some pride in my nuts. Oh my God. That's funny, man. Well, thanks for coming, man. I wish you wouldn't have sat in the front. You're like one of them people I didn't want to see again. Like I wanted you to have an amazing life and be successful and everything. I didn't want to see you again. Motherfucker saw me at my worst. He could have been ******* with me and ----. Ballin'! You guys are funny though, man. All we gotta do is go to sleep. And you motherfuckers get done. You come in. You did a great job, man. Motherfucker, I was asleep. What the **** did you want me to do? Yeah, you did great, man. Everything should be good. Your vein was right there, but it was really easy to get to. Found it right away, man. You definitely have Mexican blood in your family. That's why you had to have 30 ejaculations. Couldn't take a chance when you told me your grandpa was Mexican. Well, thanks again for coming, Doc. Is that where you guys met? At his office? And you're fixed? Did he do it? He didn't do you? Okay. That's so weird. That's weird, man. Because now I don't want to look at you. I just want to do the show over here. Like there's literally... Normally when I'm on stage, nobody sees my dick. But this show... Two people have seen my dick. My girl and my doc. Too many people have seen my dick at this show. So anyways... We got to wrap it up. Something I don't have to do anymore. What's that? I live here. Motherfucker, I live in Houston now. I ain't going to tell you what part. But you'll see me around. You'll see me at Trail Burger. Graces. 50-15. You will never see me at V-Live. You'd be lying to people when they'd be like, why'd you move to Texas? I'd be like, no state taxes. You know, I needed a hub. United has a hub. Motherfucker, that's why I moved here. For that motherfucking ass. Everybody knows the head game is crazy in Houston. That's the ---- we talk about. Yo, Houston, man. I don't know what the **** they teaching them girls in public school. I have never heard comedians say, Houston girls can't suck dick. I've never heard that. Everybody just looks at each other. Houston. Where you at next week, Houston? Motherfucker, you in Houston? We just changed our inflection. Motherfucker, you in Houston? Man, it's just fire around here. I love this motherfucking city. What was your question, man? What was your question? I'm asking for you. What was your question? Why I love black women? I don't know. That's a good question. Damn. Somebody got mad. Why not? No, it's a legit question. It's like... No, it's a legit question. It's acting like... It's like asking a gay guy why he's gay. Why is he gay? Because his dick is hard when he sees a man's asshole. That's why men are gay. There's nothing wrong with it. If a man's asshole makes you hard, then you gay. Black pussy... is my... That's a terrible analogy. I'm not going to do that. I was like this. I'm not doing that. Even she got sober. She goes, no! Gary, that's the wrong comparison. Motherfucker sobered up. No! I always did. I can't explain. It's not a put down to any other women. It's just what you prefer. And the crazy part is, black girls are always like me. They're a ******* deaf girl. Black as ****. I don't know what you visualize in your head. Black. The one black girl on the volleyball team. Yeah, so I don't know. When I was in the Navy, when I was stationed in San Diego, we used to go out to the beach bars. There'd be one black girl at the ******* bar. And my guys would be like, how the **** does this happen every weekend? I'd just move on over. How you doing? I'm Gary. I keep doing it. Ain't none of these white boys be coming up on me. I'm different. It was every... I swear to God, every time we would go out, my boys would be like, they'd be looking around the bar. They'd find one black girl. They'd go, I know Owen's gonna get there before the night's over. It might take a couple hours. I'd be patient. There'd be other dudes talking to her. I'd just be sitting in the back. And you act like you casually going over to her. It takes two to make a single. These guys start singing a song and ----. See how easy that ---- is? And that wasn't even a song that was playing. It was Pearl Jam at the beach bars. And they're singing a different song. How you know that song? Where's the rest of the birthday party? They thought the show started at 8, I bet. I bet you they did. It's gonna be a disappointing birthday to get here at 8.45. Is it for Nadia Barrow? How old is she? She's not here yet? Did she have dinner before? How'd you guys get here before her? Was this the first meeting spot? Before this? Where was that? You guys all left the house at the same time? At whose house? Everybody's at Nadia's house. And you two dipped. Are we gonna get there? Are we gonna hold a table down? That's an excuse. In case you really wanted to leave. Like, this is boring as ****. I'm gonna go with you. Knowing you drove separate. We're gonna get there early. We're gonna talk to the manager so we ain't gotta wait in line. Motherfucker, you an hour late. Ain't no line no more. How many people's gonna be with Nadia? Four? Four or five? How was the pre-party? Oh, you didn't go to Nadia's house? You missed it too? Damn. They might not be coming. Nadia might be having a real party. Cocaine. They going to town. I'm glad them other two motherfuckers ain't here. They always judging me. She's different since she got saved. Ever since she found Jesus. She don't party like that no more. We going to see Gary? Man, **** that comedy show. What the ****? He here every year. I'll see him next year. He always be coming on my birthday. Nadia! N to the A to the D to the I to the A. How do you know Nadia? Barrow. Is it Barrow or Burrow? Barrow. Where'd you guys used to work at? Oil and gas. Oh, wow. Shocker. You two? Three? Where'd you guys meet? On the playground? On the monkey bars? Hi. What's her name? My name is Nadia! And when I get older, I'm going to do cocaine. That is a birthday dress if I ever see one. Look at how hyper Nadia is. All that cocaine, baby. Nadia came walking in fast. Just seeing you. I'm here, bitch. So these two is at your house, Nadia? Wow, you really are moving like you did coke. I was kidding earlier. I was joking. Because they got here early. And then I said, Where's Nadia? Well, they're at Nadia's house. And then we didn't go to her house first. And I said, Oh, Nadia might be doing cocaine with her girls. And they're glad you didn't come. Because you got saved. Alright. Well, just to recap. The only thing you really missed, Nadia, I talked about how Houston's got a lot of Asian massage parlors. And I talked about a lot of transgender stuff. So I don't know if you're okay with that or not. You know whose cake that is, ************. Why you put it on the other table? That's Nadia's cake on Nadia's table. He might be Dominican. He might not speak English. How do you four know each other? That's your mom. That's one of your closest friends. That's your husband. So, mom. Just so you know. That man is blowing your daughter's back out. Did you clap, mom? You blow that back out, baby. I've never seen a mom clap. That's my girl right there. Throw it on that ************, baby. Throw it back. Who the **** claps? I've never seen a mom. That's my baby right there. Ain't nobody worry about that scoliosis no more. That's something you don't think about, though. When you have kids. How many daughters you got? Two. Are you both married? There you go. He's a doctor? What's that? Academic doctor. Oh, he put a big disclaimer on that ----. Don't go there, Gary. I ain't touching no body parts. Ain't nobody in the hospital. I'm an academic doctor. Where is your doctor degree from? Dallas Baptist University. Dallas Baptist? It's a religious school? It is. You're not locking people in the church, telling them to give $20, are you? She's not... She don't have any deaf people in her life, does she? She got up right in the middle of that joke. I thought, he talking about my brother, Darryl. I don't want Darryl coming up here. The way she got up, I hit a curb. She just had to use the bathroom. She was bubbling. She didn't want to get wet. I almost made her piss on herself. Sorry, my mind was somewhere else. What kind of ******* pocket rocket she got going on right now? I'll be right back. I'm going to the bathroom. You going to check on her? How do you girls know her? That's your daughter? Sorry, I didn't know that. I'm ******* up all over, Mom. Is she married? Kind of. What's that mean? Please share, Mom. No, no, no. I want to hear this. Oh, you love him, but it's over? You want it to be over? What's wrong with him? Something's got to be wrong with him. You put it out there. You could have just said yes. Mom, I said, is she married? You could have went, yes. You literally went through this whole, kind of, not really, in and out, somewhat. Ain't nothing wrong with him. Just move on, Gary. Leave me alone. Go back to the pastor. The other four girls know her, right? All coworkers. Where do you ladies work at? Where do you girls work at? AT&T. What's wrong with that, Mom? Damn, Mom. You've been hurt in your life. Because everything you say comes with an AT&T. There she is. No, no, no. Your mom, listen. Your mom's got your back. She said you have an amazing husband. No, she said you have an amazing husband. She loves him so much. She wants you to see the rest of your life with him. But if you're not happy, it's fine. If you'd like to move on. I'm just saying what she said. I said, how do you know her? She goes, that's my baby. And I was like, oh, okay. And then I was like, she married him. She was like, well, kind of, not really, somewhat. So what happened? I'm the last ************ to judge. I ain't gonna... I've been through it, so I ain't gonna say ----. What happened? It's complicated. That's cool. I'll leave it alone. Clearly it's not final. You're trying to get a divorce? Oh, he won't sign the papers? Yeah. You gotta get that process clear. That's what I did, ************. Served my ex at Panera Bread. At the drive-thru, you're served! That was the worst motherfucking tuna sandwich she ever got. They got good grilled cheese at Panera Bread. I go to Panera Bread once a week as a thank you. I ain't even buying ---- for me, I'm just getting it for other people. There you go, man. Pay it forward. So it's over, he just won't sign the papers. Why won't he sign them? That's interesting. That doesn't make sense. He's trying to trap you. He's already married to you. This ain't no Anthony Edwards ----. You heard about that guy in the Minnesota Timberwolves? He told the girl, she says, I'm pregnant. He goes, I don't want the baby. She goes, I don't care, I'm having the baby. He goes, alright, the baby ain't gonna have a daddy. He told her, and then they went to court, and they were like, you know, she got $5,000 a month in child support, and he said, alright, you agreed to it, and he left the courtroom and sold the court. I'm just gonna pay all 18 years right now. And this is over with. That's the most gangster ---- I've ever heard. He said, there you go. He told her, you ain't heard about this, mom? He said, I don't want the baby. Please don't have it. She was not trying, no, I'm having the baby. He goes, alright, I'm letting you know. I'm not gonna be in the baby's life. That's on you. And then she did it. He was cool with it. She can't come back for anything else. He can't be like, no, he's got a violin. It was cold, but it was kind of cold-blooded. I'm not saying I agree with it, but I understand. He didn't lie to nobody. You good? You good in there? That's why I feel like a lot of these NBA guys and NFL guys should get vasectomies as soon as they get drafted. Freeze they ----. Mom? Did you have a flashback? Who do mom used to bang in the past? You reminded me of Tony Dorsett right now. I used to tell Tony D. You gotta pull out. I ain't having no little Dorsett. It's funny how you see people in the audience that just remind you of ----. So here I am, I see a group of gay guys. You guys aren't gay. Whoa. That ---- fucked me up for a minute. The way his voice went. Who's gay, homie? I'm like, damn this bitch, ************. My bad. I was like, I misread the room. It's funny. He said, who gay? And the other five guys went, we are. What are you talking about? We're all gay. Shut up, I'm trying to **** with them. I appreciate you guys laughing at all this ----. For real, I appreciate it. When I was doing the transgender ----, I said, oh ****. This could go the wrong direction with this crew. When I saw you guys laughing, I said, alright, we're good. We're good.