29 Times Penny Was the Real Reason We Watched | The Big Bang Theory

You know, I'm gonna go talk to the meter D. What are you gonna say? I don't know. I'm gonna flirt with him I don't know if I'm comfortable with that. I'm still sleeping with you tonight See if you can get a table by the window Hi there, what's your name Glen? Oh boy, it is crazy in here tonight, huh Glen? Well, you know Valentine's Day. Yes, but your girlfriend is super bummed you had to work tonight Anyway, look we have been waiting a while and I just with all due respect ma'am. There's nothing I can do You don't have to call me ma'am. Okay. I mean, we're basically the same age. Okay How old are you I'm 21 how old are you just shut up Glen Get out of here what why because I'm young let's go. Hey penny. Thanks for buying us dinner Yeah, what's the occasion no occasion just felt like getting some Chinese chow from my peeps Do you remember to ask for the chicken with broccoli to be diced not shredded? Yes, even though the menu description specifies shredded. Yes brown rice not white Yes, you stop at the Korean grocery and get the good hot mustard. Yes, you pick up the low-sodium soy sauce from the market Yes good You see how it's done Leonard Playing Halo watching Battlestar drop some Mentos and diet coke You want to watch Battlestar, what can I say? I got my geek on boys PMS is different Thank God you're home. I need help. What's wrong? I just got a call back to audition for CSI to play a hooker who gets killed. Oh, I'd watch that Car is in the shop and I have to be at Universal in 45 minutes. Okay. Well, I'll take you. Oh, you're a lifesaver I'll run lines with you in the car great and afterward. I'll take you all out for Chinese. Oh, actually, that's okay. We already Chinese food right here. They're gone penny. They can't hear you Penny You frightened me What are you doing in my bedroom, yeah, well I knocked on the front door, but you didn't hear it What do you want Sheldon? I was having a little trouble sleeping and I just thought yeah seeing as you're up we could talk Talk about what? Oh, I don't know weather Fish you could do carpentry with Why Leonard is such an attractive and desirable boyfriend. Yeah pick one your choice Okay, what did Amy tell you oh very well I can't keep up this clever charade any longer She told me that you were thinking of ending it with Leonard Okay, you listen to me. I think it's really sweet. You're trying to protect your friend, but this is none of your business Got it. Excuse me. This is not about protecting my friend I'm a big fan of homeostasis. Do you know what that is? Of course not Homeostasis refers to a system's ability to regulate its internal environment And maintain a constant condition of properties like temperature or pH worst bedtime story ever My point is I don't like when things change so regardless of your feelings I would like you to continue dating Leonard And also while we're on the subject you recently changed your shampoo I'm not comfortable with the new scent We please stop this madness and go back to Green Apple Okay, hi I have a lot to figure out and until I do you are not to say a word to Leonard Do you understand I do You clear on the shampoo is Penny Please don't hurt my friend. That is the last thing I want to do. Thank you Coconut what were you thinking? Are you a hula girl? Time to do your laundry, huh Saturday night Saturday is laundry night. I know every Saturday at 815 easy to anticipate Are you implying I'm implying that you're a creature of habit And if something were to prevent you from doing your laundry on Saturday at 815 you might find it Unpleasant Knuckle under my ass No are all the machines taken What are you gonna do No problem, I'll just do my laundry another night Another night. Well, I guess you can try but deep inside your heart You'll know that laundry night is always Saturday night Woman you are playing with forces beyond your Ken Yeah, well your Ken can kiss my Barbie We're doing everything for you because you're leading them on so I let them do stuff for me. They're happy I get stuff who cares and how's it any different from what you do? Excuse me I've seen you around them. Are you pretending like you don't do the exact same thing? Okay, lady, you are way out of line. Oh I'm out of line. Yeah, you're out of line. Well, what are you gonna do about it, bitch? I Like Green Lantern, I'm just saying it's pretty lame that he can be defeated by the color yellow Only the modern Green Lantern is vulnerable to yellow Golden Age Green Lantern was vulnerable to wood Great so I can take them both out with a number two pencil You're stupid enough to break it up Sure, what's up? Well, I was thinking about Sheldon's little joke the other night about me eating all your food oh, that was no joke, but I Understand your confusion as I am our groups resident cut up I'm sorry. You are our resident cut up. Yes Prove it knock knock who's there interrupting physicist interrupting me you on Anyway, I got a little residual check from my commercial and I thought hey, how about I get the guys a little? Thank you to pay them back. So Sheldon Ta-da. Oh a vintage mint in box 1975 Mego Star Trek transporter with real transporter action hot darn Where did you get that from Stewart at the comic book store you went to the comic book store by yourself It was fun I walked in and two different guys got asthma attacks Felt pretty good This calls for an expression of gratitude. Ooh, am I about to get a rare Sheldon Cooper hug? No, not this time then they wouldn't be special Thanks penny Don't worry I didn't forget about you Leonard I got you a label maker No, it's great also mint in box and I got you a transporter Look it was actually designed for my vintage. Mr. Spock action figure. Oh, that's great. Let's open up and put him in there No, good lord. No They're meant in box Once you open the box it loses its value. Yeah. Yeah, my mom gave me the same lecture about my virginity Gotta tell you it was a lot more fun taking it out and playing with it Ready to ride. I don't think so mom not today. Oh Sweetie hemorrhoids acting up again. You don't know the half of it. Oh, yes, I do Try it to have a fit Rose scented preparation H for women Now the H is for her Proud of you. Here comes my joke How are you doing? Sitting pretty Let me guess quesadilla with soy cheese for the lactose intolerant Leonard Thank you shrimp Caesar salad with no almonds for the highly allergic kosher only on the high holidays Howard And for our suddenly back on the Hindu wagon Raj meatlovers pizza and no meat Coming right up. Well, excuse me. You forgot my barbecue bacon cheeseburger barbecue sauce bacon and cheese on the side. Oh I didn't tell you you're banished from the Cheesecake Factory Well, you have three strikes One coming in to sitting down and three. I don't like your attitude You can't do that not only is it a violation of California state law it flies directly in the face of Cheesecake Factory policy Yeah, I know. There's a new policy. No shoes. No shirt. No Sheldon Bet we could sell that sign all over Pasadena Actually ethyl alcohol inhibits electrical conduction in the nerve cells and stimulates free uptake receptors of inhibitory neurotransmitters like gamma-aminobutyric Talk just drink What are we drinking now peppermint schnapps Why would you buy peppermint schnapps because I like peppermint and it's fun to say schnapps Hey Leonard what schnapps Schnapps Hello You okay, I'm on vacation. What do you think? Why are you sitting in the stairwell Leonard told me to stay oh Well, good boy Where are you going a ton of errands to run? I need to make copies of my headshot send them off to agents and sign up for a new acting class Have fun, okay You want to come with me really Such a fun night because you got to see your man up there rocking the mic I was a little surprised when you decided to beatbox. Oh, that was really an asthma attack. I just sold it I am so happy for Howard and Bert today me too So you ever think about it babies, I'm not in a rush, but someday yeah sure what about you I Think we'd make amazing parents. Will you guys keep it down? On the other hand we might lack a certain maturity Are you finished? Well, thank you. How thoughtful Would you like a chocolate? Yeah, sure Sorry Sheldon, I almost sat in your spot. Well, did you I didn't notice have a chocolate Thank you You're here a lot now Am I talking too much, I'm sorry. Thank you chocolate Hey Kim, yeah, you know what? Hold on. Let me take this in the hall Okay, I Know what you're doing Really yes, you're using chocolates as positive reinforcement for what you consider correct behavior very good Sheldon you can't train my girlfriend like a lab rat Are you saying that I am forbidden from applying a harmless scientifically valid protocol that will make our lives better? Yes You're forbidden Bad Leonard Until he gets back one-on-one, we don't play one-on-one. We play teams not one-on-one one-on-one Well, the only way we can play teams at this point is if we cut Raj in half Well, sure cut the four and a half. There's a billion more where he came from Great idea no The wheel was a great idea Relativity was a great idea. This is a notion and a rather sucky one at that Why Oh penny penny penny This is a complex battle simulation with a steep learning curve There are myriad weapons vehicles and strategies to master not to mention an extremely intricate backstory Got this lock and load boys It's the only way we can play teams Yes, but whoever's her partner will be hamstrung by her lack of experience and not to mention the package This is not good sportsmanship to shoot somebody who's just respawned. You need to give them a chance Okay, that's it I don't know how but she is cheating no one can be that attractive and this skill that a video game What this plasma grenade Now you just wait until you need tech support I'd like to have a conversation about girls Had a feeling we'd have a talk like this sooner or later Are you finally getting fuzz and weird places Penny please I'm on the horns of a relationship dilemma For the record I had a full pubis of hair by the time I was 19 You could have a Long Island iced tea Would that calm my nerves Calm the pants off me a couple times sold So the heart you got from the wizard giving you trouble Trouble isn't with me penny. It's with your gender You someday scientists will discover that second X chromosome contains nothing but nonsense and twaddle Yeah, Amy told me what happened. Look just apologize. It'll warm her twaddle The band-aid at best Yeah, the core problem is that Amy and will do not like each other yet, which is baffling because they're both crazy about me Hey, you can't make people like each other Not true. Leonard made me like you Let me tell you that was a hard row to hoe Cheers pal. Oh Boy that is a treat that's hard to beat Get the Mad Hatter on the horn I'm having a tea party You might want to pace yourself I drink tea all the time I think I know what I'm doing Or be it for me to criticize a man with a full pubis But Sheldon your problem is not Wil Wheaton, okay, your problem is the way you treated Amy problem is I'm out of tea Come on someone insulted your girlfriend you just let him do it. I thought you Texas guys stood up for your woman folk Penny, please. I think I've evolved beyond my simple rustic upbringing Sorry, on the other hand that lowdown Polk had done wrong my woman Welcome to Long Island text Amy deserves better. You know when we buy the planters deluxe mix, she eats all the Brazil nuts, so I don't have to look at them She's a unique blend of Saint and squirrels Yeah, that she is. There you go. I'm a callous egomaniac. She's gonna leave me. No, she won't No, she won't. I'm great Where's your heart rate monitor? I don't have one. What about your pedometer? Don't have one You have telematics in your shoes connected to an iPod. No, what what do you do? You just go out there and gamble about like a bunny No, I just run till I'm hungry and then I stop for a bear claw Why are you doing that it's good to stretch your muscles before you run. All right. All right, let's start with a toe touch I am doing it. Oh Wow, good job, okay Can you do this? We'll never know Warm up on the run. Okay. Okay. Let's go. Yeah, I've been reading up on biomechanics. I think you'll be surprised I think so. Let me help you up. Thank you If it makes you feel any better Thursday is no longer cruciferous vegetable night and Amy's your best friend I'm sure she'll come to her senses and pick you. Okay, she's not my best friend. We're not 12 She wants Bernadette to be her maid of honor. I really don't care Sounds like you care. No, I mean, it's just annoying. You know, we talk every day. We see each other all the time She's always there for me. And basically, oh my god, Amy's my best friend You okay, no, my best friend didn't ask me to be her maid of honor I'm pissed So bottom line what you did was wrong and cruel which the mother of my children finds oddly appealing So she still wants to be my maid of honor maid of honor hit woman whatever you need make the call I Know this is your wedding and you can do whatever you want But if you think anyone but me is gonna be your maid of honor, then you're an idiot because you are my best friend too late Bernadette Ourselves in body paint and then we get on this big canvas and do our thing Well, it's kind of a big step for a guy who only recently agreed to take his socks off You're making fun of me forget it. Oh, come on. I want to do it. Yeah Let's you me and your very very pale feet make some art Hey when you go back to the store, I want to go with you. Okay, but it's a drive Then what I went to is in San Diego So, what do you think I thought it'd be a little more More I'm not even sure why we were out of breath. I Mean did we move at all? Maybe along the z-axis, but X and Y are looking pretty sad Come on we are not old boring people we can do better than this. That's true. How late did we stay up last night? almost 1 a.m Damn straight almost 1 a.m And we weren't even watching TV we were watching Netflix like the kids do Yeah, is it a comedy? Is it a drama? Nobody knows Now do this you get the paint I'll rest for 30 to 40 minutes and then we do this penny penny penny Hello Sheldon, what thank you What's up? I came to ask if you would like to go on a date with me You and me dining dancing perhaps you'd like to take in a prize fight God are you trying to make Amy jealous? No Why is everyone so obsessed with Amy and Stuart and whether or not they may be having more pumpkin lattes or intercourse tonight? Okay, listen to me that playing games is not gonna help get Amy back. I am NOT trying to get her back But out of curiosity, what is away? All right, honey, let me tell you a story There's a guy I liked and I never told him how I felt Eventually, he started going out with someone else and I always regretted it. Do you see where I'm going with this? I Believe I do I'm the guy You're not the guy Are you sure I would explain so much your constant presence in my apartment Baffling dalliance with Leonard just to be near me the way you call me sweetie all the time. I Call everyone sweetie you tramp Sheldon all I'm saying is strap on a pair and go talk to Amy strap on a pair. What skates? Sweetie you are so not the guy No, it's not a big deal just taking a class at the Pasadena Community College It's just one history class look I didn't finish college so I thought I would give it a try Not to mention your acting career is going south like Sherman Read about it in your book Why would you be embarrassed to tell us no, I'm not embarrassed I just didn't want anyone to know because I haven't told Leonard yet Why wouldn't you tell Leonard? Because it's me going back to school and he's gonna be all you can do it and how can I help and I'm so proud of you Just can't believe you could keep something like that from him you guys have got to be the weirdest couple I know Really you can't think of anyone weirder I can but she's sitting right there Spaghetti okay. It's crunchy. It's the way I like it Yeah, I don't think the water was really boiling Great I love it. Okay. Listen, there's something I need to tell you I've been thinking about going back to school for a while now So a couple months ago started taking a history class at the Community College. Oh That's great great great great. Well, why wait so long to tell me I don't want you to make a big deal out of it Why do you think I'd be like that? I get it. You're taking one class. It's nice Maybe if it goes well, you take another you enroll full-time Oh, be sure to keep an eye on which credits transfer to a four-year college. You're making a big deal Sorry, you know, whatever Anyway, that's it you thought you should know Am I allowed to ask how the class is going? It's really good We've been talking about the origins of slavery turning my first paper tomorrow. Great topic. I can help with that You know, there's lots of different perspectives. You could take economics sociological political. Hey, this is my paper and my perspective is that slavery is bad Oh, my professor's black, so I'm pretty sure that's the right answer This is my thing Okay, I get it It's like when I started doing chin-ups, I didn't want you to see until I could do one FYI really close Thank you know behave yourself and eat your dinner and maybe later if you're lucky you get to sleep with a college girl Really? Cuz I went to four years of college and five years of grad school that never happened All right, there's no need to bark at me According to the inexplicably irritable nurse behind the desk You'll be seen after the man who claims to be having a heart attack But appears to be well enough to play doodle jump on his iPhone We have to fill these out Describe illness or injury I dislocated my shoulder All right, and how did the accident occur? You already know that Cause of accident lack of adhesive ducts Okay medical history, have you ever been diagnosed with diabetes? No kidney disease? No migraines getting one Are you currently pregnant? No, are you sure you look a bit puffy? Change migraine to yes When was your last menstrual period? Oh next question. I'll put in progress Disorders list all major behavioral diagnoses e.g. depression anxiety, etc Oh my god, what the hell does this have to do with my stupid shoulder? episodes of subpsychotic rage Possible Tourette's Bulls lesions or other skin conditions suit tattoo on right buttock Sheldon Sheldon look I am scared and in a lot of pain Could you please take a break from being you for just a minute and try being I don't know comforting I'm sorry They're there Everything's going to be fine Sheldon's here Thanks, it's much better Absolutely, not. It's not a big deal. We have latex gloves. I Good morning, dr. Stephanie. I trust Leonard satisfied you sexually last night Sheldon we don't ask questions like that. I heard you ask it over and over How is it inappropriate for me to ask it once? He did very nicely, but see she's not offended and now you finally have an answer Out of coffee need coffee Hello, hi Stephanie right. Mm-hmm. And and and you are I live across all Heard a lot about you. Really? I haven't heard a thing about you. I Heard a thing about this woman who lives across the hall and comes into your apartment in the morning in her underwear Uh she's heard about you because we're you know involved and and you haven't heard about her because I Never slept with her. I swear In Leonard's defense. It wasn't for lack of trying Thank You Sheldon, you're welcome Leonard Look, I'm just saying Penny is one of our many neighbors, you know Neighbors come and go. Well, it's very casual. No dress code In fact some mornings. I'll just mosey down on the third floor of my pajamas and have cereal with mrs. Varda median Really? Well, I've never once been invited to have cereal with mrs. Varda median She doesn't like you You have a gallbladder to remove and I have to get in the shower and penny has clothes to put on Well, it was very nice meeting you nice to finally meet you too and I'll see you tonight, okay, bye-bye Possibly have done doofin mrs. Varda median We're not playing some dumb made-up game when all games are made up. Well, they're not found in nature Yeah is digging the ground come across a rich vein of Rockham stock and robots Pick another game Why don't we do something athletic like go over to the university pool and play water polo no good Sheldon doesn't float That is true. I have a higher than normal body density. If I run too deep a bath I drown Ready set wrestle New contest I am settling once and for all who is the smartest around here Okay, are you ready? Absolutely it on Marsha Jan and Cindy were the three daughters in what TV family The Brady Bunch, okay Sammy Hagar replaced David Lee Roth as the lead singer in what group the Brady Bunch Van Halen All right. Madonna was married to this Ridgemont High alum. Oh My god Sean Penn How do you know these things? I go outside and I talk to people Okay here what actor holds the record for being named people magazine's sexiest man alive William Shatner I Don't think it's Shatner then it's got to be Patrick Stewart No formal protest All right singer who's saying oops I did it again Maybe sometimes you try too hard Look at me What chance do I have if I don't try too hard Well, you'd have a terrific chance Mean you're smart. You're funny. You have a cool job. You build stuff that goes into outer space. I Guess look I'm telling you I've known you for like a year and a half and this is the first time I feel like I'm talking to a real person And you know what I like him he's a nice guy You really think so yes, I don't know You know, I have been living together we've been bickering like my parents used to You're afraid you're gonna do something like your dad did. Yes I need to prepare her now to save her from pain down the road down the road Sheldon She wanted to share a toothbrush holder with you. And now you're at an ice cream parlor trying to pick up women What anything could sound silly when you put it in that tone Hey instead of worrying about pain you may cause in the future. How about trying to fix the pain you're causing her right now I'm sure you're right. I Suppose I should apologize to you as well Okay, that must have hurt watching me look for other women without ever even considering you Please understand that. I think of you as more of a nanny Finish your ice cream so I can get you home to bed Ever since Amy started working with Howard she hasn't been home. Didn't that just start this morning and has she been home? You know that would frustrate me Does it frustrate you it does I get that, you know, it's okay to feel frustrated when things aren't going your way I Suppose ah, maybe it's not that big a deal. No, no, no, your feelings are valid now Why don't you go wash up and we'll call you when dinners ready? Okay What did you do are you a witch I've been Bernadette's parenting book. It's like the answer key to the Sheldon test That's amazing, I know but you know, it's only birth to five what do we do when he turns six Take him to the zoo and leave him there How are we gonna play this when they return? I Know you guys should totally be making out with me Sweetie I know you think jokes like that are funny, but do you really think you could handle making out with both of us? No, ma'am You don't know you're here with us Do you hide in the closet when they show up? We'll hear whatever their dumb story is about where they were We'll pretend to believe them and just when I think they got away with it you jump out. Yeah, that's pretty good I love it. I'll be all like busted and they'll be like what and then we'll all be like, oh, yeah Yeah, I get it I wouldn't make out with me either Okay, here they come oh man when I come out of the closet I'm gonna nail those guys Yeah, I heard it shut up You What was that Sheldon tried to take the ring and I punched him that's my girl You really don't trust me you'd have Amy stop by You were a terrible waitress and we still asked you to get us a snack Excuse me while I go take care of your baby, then I'll bring you your snack and you can insult me some more. I Don't know about you, but I am NOT eating whatever she brings us Never really liked me. It's kind of nice. She hates you now, too But I'm here for you and I would never let anything happen to you because your auntie Penny loves you so much Is that her first word No, no, baby, I'm not your mama your mama's a nice lady we're gonna go see right now so I can rub this in her face Do you hear that sucker she called me mama You