'Big Bang Theory' Moments But It's All About the Gifts

Are you going to tell me where we're going? Because if it has the words farmers or market in it, I don't want to go. You were talking about all the things you thought you would never have, so I thought I would get you one. Oh my god, you bought me the Batmobile? No, no, no, no, no, no. I rented you the Batmobile for the day. This is amazing, thank you. Be careful, I did not get the insurance. You know, I do have a way to get him out of our hair. I've been holding on to this for a few years, but maybe now's the time. We can just lock the door, you don't have to kill him. Can't kill him, he'll just respawn at the last save point. Oh, that was my sixth trip to the bathroom. Okay, as long as that's not a urinary tract infection, that's a personal best. Hey, buddy, I got you a little present. Really? Go ahead, open it. Congratulations. The bearer of this certificate is entitled to the ultimate train experience at the Nevada Northern Railway. You are at the throttle. You are the engineer. You are running the locomotive. This doesn't happen very often, but here comes a hug. Oh, dear, I have to tinkle again. Okay, where were we? Oh, well, isn't this nice? What is it? You know, it's one of those... Nope, doesn't do that. Oh, maybe it's candy, lick it. I don't want to lick it, you lick it. I'm not going to lick it, I just brush my teeth. Is it from one of your dumb sci-fi shows? None of the sci-fi shows I watch are dumb. Sheldon. Okay, Westworld. But this has nothing to do with that show, other than it's also inexplicable. Well, Leonard and Penny are our best friends. They know us better than anyone. They said it's the perfect gift. We must be missing something. Think it's a marital aid, do you? Well, don't be silly, Amy. How is this big glass shaft going to aid our marriage? Hello. Hey. I just wanted to pop over and hand deliver this thank you note for your very thoughtful wedding gift. Oh, good, you guys liked it? Yeah, well, we liked it a lot more than things that aren't it, I'll tell you that. Well, you know, that's great because when we saw it, we thought Amy and Sheldon just have to have that. Oh, do tell. Now paint a picture for me, like where you were when you found it and what you thought we'd enjoy doing with it. Do you not know what it is? Of course he knows what it is. He's the smartest man in the world. About the world, no, some of those Chinese fellows are pretty clever. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to return home and use your gift in the manner which it was intended. He's never going to figure it out. What are you? Gosh, this makes me happy. Penny, Penny, Penny. What happens if I say come in? Find out. Come in. Bernadette, Bernadette, Bernadette. I got nowhere else to be. Just come in. For future reference, if I want to watch Mean Girls, I'll stream it on Netflix. We're sorry, what do you need? Well, as you know, I'll be celebrating Amy's birthday with her and I could use your assistance in helping me select the perfect gift. Sure. Well, so far I've come up with three ideas. The first is a chance for her to play the harp with the LA Philharmonic. Wow, you can really arrange that? I said a chance. When you tell them it's your birthday at Bennigan's, they make a fuss. I don't see why the Philharmonic would be any different. How about something a little more realistic? Well, Amy enjoys knitting her own sweaters, so I was thinking of getting her an all-expense-paid trip to the Wisconsin Sheep and Wolf Festival. Sorry, I was waiting for the bazinga. It could be romantic, the two of them away together, keeping each other warm in snowy Wisconsin. No, no, no, no, she'd be going alone. But if you think I'm afraid of birds, you see me around sheep. Okay, well, what's the third option? That I have coitus with her. Hey, guys, before I forget, I got you a little groomsman present. Fantastic Four, annual number three from 1965 in mint condition. The one where Mr. Fantastic and the Invisible Girl get married. Oh, dear. I was afraid of this. What? While a thoughtful gift, this comic book in this condition is worth at least a hundred dollars. Yeah, so? I bought you and Bernadette a gravy boat worth 88 dollars. Which places me in your debt, and I can't be in your debt because someday you might ask me to help you move. Or to kill a man. I doubt he'll ask you to kill a man. But what if it's his only way out? I can't risk it. Here is 12 dollars. Now we're even. Wait, I bought a card. Give me two dollars. For the record, this is why I hate gift giving. I'm so glad you guys are friends again. I'm glad you and I are friends again, too. Aw. Which reminds me, this came in the mail, and I want you to have it. 50 cents off Vagisil. Think of me when you apply it. Can I just say, I've missed all of us hanging out together. Yeah, me too. Um, since when can Cthulhu Pali talk in front of the girls without a beer? Oh, that happened right after you left. No one told me? Can't believe we forgot to tell him. Think of Sheldon when you apply it. Sure, what's up? Well, I was thinking about Sheldon's little joke the other night about me eating all your food. Oh, that was no joke. But I understand your confusion, as I am our group's resident cut-up. I'm sorry, you are our resident cut-up? Yes. Prove it. Knock, knock. Who is there? Interrupting physicist. Me on. Anyway, I got a little residual check from my commercial, and I thought, hey, how about I get the guys a little thank you to pay them back. So, Sheldon? Ta-da! A vintage mint-in-box 1975 Mego Star Trek transporter with real transporter action. Hot darn! Where did you get that? From Stuart at the comic book store. You went to the comic book store by yourself? Yeah, it was fun. I walked in and two different guys got asthma attacks. Felt pretty good. This calls for an expression of gratitude. Ooh, am I about to get a rare Sheldon Cooper hug? No, not this time, and they wouldn't be special. Thanks, Penny. Don't worry, I didn't forget about you. Leonard, I got you a label maker. Oh. No, it's great. Also, a mint-in-box. And I got you a transporter jam. Plus, it was actually designed for my vintage Mr. Spock action figure. Oh, that's great. Let's open it up and put him in there. No, good lord, no! Are they just toys? They're mint-in-bottles. Come on, can't we open one up and take a look? No! Once you open the box, it loses its value. Yeah, yeah, my mom gave me the same lecture about my virginity. Gotta tell you, it was a lot more fun taking it out and playing with it. Amy, I'd like to apologize. Your accomplishment was impressive, and I'm proud of you. We both know that's your koala face. I told you. Okay, look, he bought you this. Jewelry? Seriously? Sheldon, you are the most shallow, self-centered person I have ever met. Do you really think that another transparently manipu- Oh, it's a tiara! A tiara! You look beautiful. Of course I do, I'm missing my tiara! You were right, the tiara was too much. Hey, Stuart! Hey, Raj. What can I help you with? I need to buy an engagement gift. Well, you came to the wrong place. It's for Sheldon and Amy. No way, they're engaged? Yeah! That's exciting news. Who'd have thought Sheldon and Amy would be the next two to tie the knot? Tell me about it. I'm the one who caught the bouquet at Leonard and Penny's wedding. Okay, uh, you know, they might like this. Superman and Wonder Woman. It's kind of romantic. You know what? Why am I buying them a gift? They have love. Screw them and their happiness. What do you have for someone who's bitter and alone? Literally everything. They're my friends, and I should be happy for them. And I'm trying, but all I feel is this annoying, empty sensation in my gut. I had that once. Turned out it was a tapeworm. Cool. It's just, it's hard talking to my other friends about this, but I knew you'd understand. Why is that? Because you and I are both alone, which is actually kind of comforting, because at least we can be alone together. This is, this is awkward. I, um, I was actually going to close up a little early tonight because I have a date. Really? Yeah. Forgive me if I'm having trouble being happy for you. Don't be silly. I'm loving your pain. You can't fix this with gifts. Nevertheless, I've hurt you, and whether you forgive me or not, I want you to have this. You're giving me a couch cushion? No, the cushion is merely symbolic. I'm giving you my spot on the couch. But you love that spot. No, I love my mother. My feelings for my spot are much greater. It is the singular location in space around which revolves my entire universe. And now it's yours. Oh my god, dude, now you have to forgive him. All right, apology accepted. High five. Not too hard. Thank you. I haven't cried this since Toy Story 3. I gotta tell you, Sheldon, I understand why you chose this spot. I mean, the temperature's good, but there's no draft. I can see the television, but I can still talk to it. I changed my mind. Get out of my spot. How long? 94 seconds. Leonard will be back in a couple days, and I need a welcome home gift for him. As he's been at sea, perhaps something with a nautical theme might be appropriate. Okay, well, I don't know how much you want to spend, but I do have this pretty cool Aquaman statue. You know, this isn't a gag gift, Stuart. Yeah, just as well. It's a pretty rare gift. I'd rather just sell it to a real collector. I'm a real collector. How rare is it? Oh, I shouldn't even have mentioned it. How about a Batman squirt gun? Don't try and trick me into buying something I don't want. Now, let's talk Aquaman. $1,200, that's my final offer. All right, Sheldon, you win. I'm sure Leonard is gonna love this. Oh, right, a present for Leonard. Hey, you better throw in that squirt gun. Yeah, I don't know. This squirt gun, it's pretty rare. Oh. I don't see anything in here a woman would want. You're kidding. You've got lotions and bath oils and soaps. That's the estrogen hat trick. His is a cacophonous assault of eucalyptus, bayberry, cinnamon and vanilla. It's as if my head were trapped in the pajamas of a sultan. Sheldon, if you don't like this stuff, let's just go next door and build her a bear. I told you before, bears are terrifying. Come on, bath stuff. It's perfect. You got a scented candle, a cleansing buff, spearmint and green tea scented bath oil. Promotes relaxation. I presuppose this penny is tense. She knows you. She's tense. We all are. Buy a basket. Excuse me, we're ready. No, we're not. Let's say for a moment that I accept the bath item gift hypothesis. I now lay the following conundrum at your feet. Which size? This one. Let's go. You put no thought into that. I'm sorry. This one. Let's go. I have insufficient data to proceed. Excuse me, miss. Yes. If I were to give you this gift basket, based on that action alone and no other data, infer and describe the hypothetical relationship that exists between us. Excuse me? Here. Now, are we friends? Colleagues? Lovers? Are you my grandmother? I don't understand what you're talking about and you're making me a little uncomfortable. See? Sounds just like you and Penny. We'll take it. Great news, Leonard. I've solved my Penny gift dilemma. Yippee. You see, the danger was that I might under or over reciprocate, but I have devised a foolproof plan. I will open her gift to me first and then excuse myself feigning digestive distress. Then I'll look up the price of her gift online, choose the basket closest to that value, give it to her, and then I'll return the others for a full refund. Brilliant. It is, isn't it? Is it okay if I hide them in your room? The smell makes me nauseated. Do whatever you want. Thank you. That's very gracious. Gentlemen? Why couldn't you have just done what Leonard did and get Penny a new boyfriend? I got you a little something. A little something? Oh, this is huge. What's huge is what you've done for me. Oh, no. Amy, I haven't done anything. No, no. Before I met you, I was a mousy wallflower. But look at me now. I'm like some kind of downtown hipster party girl with a posse, boyfriend, and a new lace bra that hooks in the front of all things. Open it, open it. Okay. I wanted to get you something you didn't have. Wow. I don't know what just wow. Do you like it? Do I like it? Wow. So, where are you going to hang it? Oh, my gosh. Hang it. Wow. You know, I'd have to get a hook and nails and a hammer. No problem. Oh, look. You just, you got it all right there. Wow. How's that? A little higher on the right. Now? One more. That's got it. Yeah, okay. That's good. I'll let you in on a little secret. Originally, we were painted nude. But I had him add clothes because I thought it was an unnecessary challenge to our heterosexuality. Yeah, good call. But if you ever change your mind, all it would take is some warm soapy water and a couple of sponges. You're talking about the painting. Sure. That's not the secret knock. This is the secret knock. What difference does it make? The whole point of a secret knock is to establish a nonverbal signal to verify the identity of one's co-conspirators. Is that Raj and Howard? Possibly, but unverified. You just let us in. Luckily for you, this is not a nuclear reactor. So, what'd you get the birthday boy? Well, Raj got him an awesome limited edition Dark Knight sculpture based on Alex Ross's definitive Batman. And I got him this amazing autographed copy of the Feynman Lectures on physics. Nice! I got him a sweater. Okay, well, he might like that. I've seen him get chilly. Sheldon, I didn't see your present. That's because I didn't bring one. Why not? Don't ask. The entire institution of gift-giving makes no sense. Too late. Let's say that I go out and I spend $50 on you. It's a laborious activity, because I have to imagine what you need, whereas you know what you need. Now, I could simplify things, just give you the $50 directly, and then you could give me $50 on my birthday, and so on, until one of us dies, leaving the other one old and $50 richer. Can I ask you, is it worth it? Told you not to ask. Well, Sheldon, you're his friend. Friends give each other presents. I accept your premise. I reject your conclusion. Try telling him it's a non-optional social convention. What? Just do it. It's a non-optional social convention. Ah, fair enough. He came with a manual. So, we got everybody gifts. Did you forget about us until you were at the airport? No. We forgot about you until we were on the plane. Luckily, there was Wi-Fi, and I have Amazon Prime. I heart New York. Aw, the baby's gonna love throwing up on this. Look, it doesn't have to just be New York. That's the beauty of it. The initials NY can stand for anything you like. For instance, I understand that there is an elderly rock and roll musician named Neil Young. Perhaps you heart him. Or, if not him, Egyptian table tennis silver medalist Noha Yasri. Or Nana Yamaguchi, the Japanese voice actress who starred in Sally the Witch. Did you just Google the initials NY? I had Wi-Fi and a long plane fly. Draw your own conclusions. Well, guys, that was very, very thoughtful of you. Did you get me a double XL? I told you. You were right, dear.