Collin Sledge Funniest Person in Houston Round One 10_10_24

Okay, thank you. I was raised really religious, so when I would watch horror movies as a kid, the scariest part would be when the teenagers were having sex. And the rest of the movie wasn't scary at all because it was just God punishing them. So two years ago, two years ago I was down so bad I double messaged this girl on Hinge, you know, sent a message and she didn't respond so I sent another. And everyone says that never works, so you shouldn't do it, but I'll have you know, one week ago, I asked that very same girl to be my wife. And look, she still hasn't responded. But I got a pretty good feeling about it, you know, people say like third time's a charm. I think she's playing hard to get, you know, because I've noticed that about girls in my life, they play hard to get a lot. They play like, really hard to get, like, extreme, like borderline impossible to get for the vast majority of my life. A couple years ago, this one girl played hard to get within 1000 feet of. You know, modern dating is all these games, you know. I'm okay looking, I think. I've never been able to coast on my looks though, but you know, I'm interesting, you know. I can make girls think. I make girls think stuff like, hey, is that guy following me? They think stuff like, does expired pepper spray still work? My last girl went to beauty school, but you couldn't tell by looking at her. Oh, she ugly, oh, that bitch ugly, he said. No, I want to start a porn company that features ugly people, actually, because they deserve representation, thank you. It's going to be called Monsters, Inc. Okay, I'm gonna dial it back. I drove by this house a few weeks ago. I had a sign out front that said, drive like your kids up here. So I drove away and never came back. My dad was really strict when I was growing up. And one time he caught me smoking a cigarette. So he made me smoke a whole carton of cigarettes. And then the next week he caught me masturbating. So he had the whole block run a train on me. It's okay, he's here, he loves that joke. He's in the front row, which I did not anticipate. I went on a date with this girl a few weeks ago. Halfway through the first date, she was like, just to let you know, I'm Pauly. And I was like, oh, well, just to let you know, I'm Pauly, not gonna call you tomorrow. I am, I'm actually seeing someone right now, and I think it's going okay. Good news is she's just like me. The bad news is it turns out I'm not really my type. I think I'm supposed to be with someone better than me. My preference. But you know, I have to admit, it's a good fit, because she has autism. So texting is really refreshing, because it's really straightforward. She's like, would you like to cuddle at 19.30 on Sunday? Yes, thank you for two days notice. Will there be hand stuff? She's like 30%. We're on the same page, you know. First time we had sex was a little bit awkward. More awkward now, because my parents are in the front row. It was a little bit awkward. I thought it was going okay. But I wanted to check in. But I didn't want to make eye contact, because that's a little too intimate for me, you know. And so I said, how's this going on a scale of one to five? And she said, what? I said, I'm sorry, I just mean like, would you recommend me to a friend? And she said, this is over. And I said, oh, it's over? So I flipped the iPad around so she could tip me 15, 20, 25%. I'm a really picky eater, because of the autism also. This is the last autism joke, I'm sorry. One time this guy was like, you know, you eat like a three-year-old. And I was so offended, I spat chocolate milk all down my elbow bit. I kicked off my Velcro shoes and almost fell out of my high chair. I'm working at a mall right now. Well, I used to. Until this lady came up with a dress in each hand. And she's like, I'm trying to impress my boyfriend, what are you thinking? I was like, I'm thinking Ozempic. So now I have a different job. And I had to do this stupid like, training module for sexual harassment. Which is, it's just such a waste of time. You know, as if I don't already know how to do that. All right, thank you all. I'm Colin Sledge, see you next time. Colin!