Mikey B. - Honorable Scumbag (2025) Full Special

A little bit about me. Despite my outfit, I am 41 years old. Kind of like the way you're laughing at that. That kind of hurts. I'm not going to lie. I am 41. I got my first colonoscopy recently. All right. It's a weird thing for you all to clap about, but okay. Have you had one yet, sir? You act like you gave it to yourself, bro. He said, hell yeah, dude. Hell yeah. What about over here? Have you had one yet, sir? Don't get homophobic about it, dude. It's fine. It's whatever. Let me ask. From experience, I just got to know, are you practicing for it? Dude, I'll tell you from experience, that is one test you definitely want to cram for. I got my first colonoscopy and I told my friend about it. He's a couple of years younger than me, and he instantly got super homophobic about it. He started in with that old school shit like, oh, that's gay. That's gay. You can't let them do it to you. That's gay. And I wanted to shut him up. I was getting annoyed with him. So I was like, dude, it's only gay if you come. I found out I'm a little gay, just a little bit. Y'all, the worst part, the doctor, he was super gay. He came all over my back. I was like, what the ****, yo, get out of here. Ladies and gentlemen, Mikey B. Hell yeah. I was high until y'all ******* screamed at me just now. And look, I'm going to get this out of the way, because a lot of you have been asking me, people are all asking me about this special. Yes, it is going to Netflix. Okay. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you. Here's the thing. Netflix doesn't know about it, but I'm going to send it. I read a story a while back about a man in South Dallas who was arrested. He made the news. He was breaking into people's homes at night. And like, we all know if you've driven through South Dallas, that's not news right there, right? That's just a welcome to South Dallas. That's all that is. He made the news because he was doing something different. What he would do is he would case these places out all day long. Once the lights would go out and the sun was down, while people were sleeping, he'd sneak in, he'd be super quiet, wouldn't make a sound. And while these people were sleeping, he'd sneak into their bedrooms and to wake these people up, he'd hold them down and he tickled their butts. Yeah. Not cool, right? Not cool at all. Yeah. He got arrested when four people called the police on him and they found him pretty quick. And when they brought him in, he admitted to doing this 13 times. That's nine people didn't say shit about it. I'm a pretty negative person in my life. Anybody else negative out here? Everybody got a glass half empty? Yeah. Yeah. Dude, I can make any glass, any glass. I hate that shit. A glass half full, glass half empty. That's saying you guys know, right? To me, every glass is all the way empty or it's about to be, I have a drinking problem by the way. Yeah. I'm pretty negative, but I'm trying to counterbalance that. I'm trying to fix that by what I do is I read inspiring stories where people overcome adversity. You know, I love that shit. I read the story recently. There was a man, double amputee, everything from the waist down, gone, cut off. This man got his legs cut off and then he climbed Mount Everest. That's crazy, right? I thought that was an amazing feat for someone who doesn't have any, right? That's crazy. That's wild. You know, and I like the story so much. I started looking into it and I thought it was really cool that he did that. He overcame that adversity because as a, as a society, we get to come together and we all get to ask this man to just park in a regular parking spot, right? You made it up a mountain. You can make it across the parking lot, bitch. Fuck you. No, I'm a big sports fan too. You know, I love sports. I like the behind the scenes stuff. I also love pain. So I'm a giant Cowboys fan, you know? Yeah. I read this fact recently right now, the last four years in sports, testicular injuries is up 5,000% just for the last four years, right? That's crazy. And it's all from women's sports. It's okay to laugh. Don't be scared of that one. All right. It's all right. It's just the truth. That's all it is. Oh, did you guys all go outside and look at the eclipse few weeks ago? Everybody get the chance to look at the eclipse. That was cool, right? Yeah. Anybody go look at it without the proper glasses? Yeah. A few of you dumb ass. No, I did too. I got real high and I was like, I can't even see shit, dude. Where is it? Yeah. I thought it was really cool, but it made me think of history and like ancient times. You guys know, like back in the Mayans and Aztecs and days of like Incans and stuff, when they would have an eclipse. And if you've seen the movie Apocalypto, you know this, but what they would do is they would sacrifice virgins whenever they'd have an eclipse, which I always thought was kind of weird. Like, why can't we just get rid of some of these hoes? You don't have a garage sale and sell your best shit, right? You get that old shit out of here. You motherfuckers are high, right? I just think it's crazy because if you know the reasoning, they would sacrifice virgins to end a drought so that the God would make it rain. And I only think they understand that virgins aren't really known for getting real wet. You know what I mean? Any gay people in here? Gay people? Good. Fuck them. No, I'm just kidding. I'm kidding. Relax. Relax. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. He's laughing way too. Security check this table. I'm kidding. I like gay people, y'all. I'll tell you, I'll squash this right now. I'll tell you my opinion. In my opinion, I think homophobia is actually the gayest shit we have on the planet. Y'all are homophobic shit. No, seriously, I think homophobia is the gayest thing because if you think about break down the word homophobia, it means fear of gay people. That's stupid. I don't think you should be afraid of gay people. I'm not. In fact, the only thing on this planet that I am afraid of is my own gay thoughts. That's it. You're not laughing, sir. You must be a closet homosexual. I'm just kidding. Oh, before we get too far into this, I have to tell you guys, I'm not a very political person. I'm not into politics. I'm just too dumb to understand them and I don't care. You know, I just don't want that shit ruining my day. And like, I'll tell you the only thing that I wish for us politically, I just wish as a country that we had someone to run the country who wasn't in a poo-poo diaper right now. That's all I want, right? Right? We don't let this ************ choose his own lunch while we let him make decisions for us. Fuck that, right? Hell no. No. And I only bring this up because I keep seeing these videos online it's the ones where Joe Biden will be speaking outside and whole groups of people will get together and they'll show up and while he's up there giving his speech, they'll all start chanting together. They'll start chanting, **** Joe Biden. Fuck Joe. As if he's not having trouble trying to speak already, you know, and that's pretty rude. Like whether you like Joe Biden or you hate him, I don't care. I'm not trying to divide the room here. I don't care either way. You know, I just think that's pretty disrespectful to the guy who leads the free nation, the best country on the ******* planet, USA, right? Hell yeah. USA. Fuck yeah, dude. I was trying to think about this. Like I was thinking of another president. I was trying to find one that we were that rude or disrespectful to like in their face. And at first I couldn't think of one, but then I remembered I was born and raised here in Dallas and we were pretty rude to JFK when he came through. A little disrespectful, you know what I mean? I'll tell you something I've learned, a little piece of advice. Take this with you and generalize it how you will. Especially ladies, take this advice with you. And this day and age, if the person you're with, like your husband, boyfriend, girlfriend, whatever, if that person does something really nice for you, like say they make a nice gesture, like they make you breakfast in bed or something like that. My advice is keep it simple. Just say thank you. Just show a little bit of appreciation. As guys, we don't need a lot to go on. And I say this because the last girl I made breakfast in bed for, I put all this effort in, right? I got up early. I cook all this food. I put it on a tray. I make it look pretty. I bring it into her. And when I get in the bedroom, she's got all these dumb ass questions, right? She's like, is that turkey bacon? Is that 2% meal? Then she's like, who the **** are you? How'd you get in my house? I got bacon in the ski mask. Let's just have some fun. Okay. And like, I don't want to call you ladies out, but I feel like we should get this out in the open. I think we'll all have a lot more fun and be happier if we could just get this out and move on. But like, ladies, I know this for a fact. You can Google it. I've searched the data myself, but I know for a fact that every woman on this planet, every single one of y'all is bi. All of you are. What sucks is when you find out that all the really fun women, they're just bipolar, not bisexual. If you're not laughing, take your medicine, Becky. I love doing this job. I get to travel a lot. I don't want to brag to you guys, but I just did five shows all the way out in Oklahoma. Y'all got it, right? Yeah. Fuck Oklahoma, dude. I do travel a lot. And if I have a gig that's only four or five hours away, I prefer to drive rather than fly. Because as a comic going to new cities all the time, I don't know if I'm going to be able to find some good weed there, right? And so I'd rather drive because for me, the way it works is the longer I'm in the car, the more weed I'm going to smoke on that trip, right? Okay, you ******* nerds. One of my favorite things when I drive to these gigs and I stop at like a truck stop or a gas station I've never been to, I like to read the jokes that people write up on the walls in the bathroom. Have you ever seen that in a truck stop, right? You ever write some of that stuff, sir? You seem way too excited. You're just in there drilling holes in the stalls for peekaboo. But ladies, if you don't know that, right, the people, they do that in truck stops. They write stuff up on the walls and like I'll tell you, there's always one spot that'll say for a good time call and then there's a random phone number underneath. And like I'll tell you guys, I've called. It's not that good of a time. It's not. I was in Oklahoma last week and I stopped at this truck stop and I was peeing at the urinal. I don't know why I did this, but I looked up at the ceiling and while I was peeing at the urinal and somebody got up there and wrote on the ceiling, they wrote, why are you looking up? The joke is in your hand. I was like, ****, they got me. I had no idea they could read or write in Oklahoma. I had no clue. I didn't know. Nobody told me. It was fun though. I did five shows out there and I like to do the thing of the place that I'm in when I travel. If you go to Philadelphia, you're supposed to have a Philly cheesesteak or like every time I go to Oklahoma, I dream about coming back to Texas. I was up there for a few days and it was fun. The first night we only had one show and after the show, I was outside selling stickers and my merch and talking to people and somebody came up to me. I always attract the weirdest people. If you've got like a funny looking leg or a lazy eye, I know you're coming to talk to me. I know that's what it is. That's fine. I like weirdos. That's whatever. I'm after the show. This guy comes up to me. He goes, hey man, you're really funny. I've got a gift for you. Usually when a dude tells me that, it's either drugs or weird sex stuff. So I was like, what do you got bro? What's up? This guy pulls out a big bag of edibles. He gives me a thousand milligram bag of gummy worms specifically. I know, you know the dosage, right? That's a ******* lot right there, bro. So I was like, hell yeah, thanks dude. So the next day I wake up early, I have the whole day to kill because doing this job, I don't go to work till eight, right? So I ate the whole bag. Thousand milligrams of gummy worms, right? Yeah. Nerds, y'all know the difference, right? That's a lot. That's a lot. I had a great time. You know, I was walking around Oklahoma city and I go back to my hotel to get ready for the show that night. And when I get to my floor at the hotel, I'm stepping out of the elevator. As I'm stepping out, I see this little gray haired old lady. She's like this tall and she's getting on the elevator. And as we pass each other, I hold the door and she looks at me. We made eye contact and she smiled and she winked at me and I was like, oh, how are you doing old lady? You know, whatever, sweet old lady. I walked by her. I go to my room and as soon as I get my room and close the door, I hear somebody knock. I'm a little confused. So I turn around and open it. And that's the little old lady from the elevator. This bitch stopped me back to my room, y'all. I know, right? Super weird. I'm like, can I help you? And then she starts telling me this story about how I look just like her dead husband. I know, right? I was still high. I was like, this is the devil. Fuck this shit right here, right? I was like, I'll ******* two piece you up, granny. You better get out of here. I let her talk for 10 minutes. I didn't interrupt her. I felt so bad. You know, I just let her talk. I felt like she needed to get it out there. And when she was done, she goes, young man, thank you for listening to me. A lot of people wouldn't do that. That's very sweet of you. And I was like, oh, no problem. Don't worry about it, ma'am. She goes, well, I'd like to give you a reward. And I was like, you don't have to do that. You know, I'm happy to do it. And she goes, well, how about a gummy worm? And I had eaten all my gummy worms. So I was like, what a cool ass old lady. I was like, hell yeah, let me get one. I stuck my hand out to grab it. And she makes this weird smirk and looks at me right in the eyes. And then she popped her teeth out. All right, hold on a second. I didn't even say shit yet. Y'all just hold on a second. OK? Hold on. Hold on. Of course I fucked that old lady. Of course, dude. Her husband's dead. She needed that dick, bro. I won't lie to y'all. At first, I was still high, so I didn't know. I had no idea that I was the candy. I didn't know, you know? When she took her teeth out, my first thought was, how's she going to chew hers, right? After a minute of standing there, I realized what was going on. And I was like, shit, granny, I'll go down with you, bitch. Let's go. Let's hop in together, ho. Nobody gives a hummer like a gummer, bro. I love doing this job. I haven't had a regular job in a few years, you know? My last job, I used to work as a server. I was a waiter at a really nice restaurant. Anybody in here ever wait tables, bartend, service industry, make some noise in here, guys? Yeah? Yeah? OK. About seven of us. The rest of your parents had money. Fuck you. Yeah, I worked at this restaurant, really nice bistro. I don't know if you guys have it here in Addison, but if you see one, you should save up some money and go. The place is called Chili's. Have you guys heard of it? I worked at Chili's for five years, y'all. And right before COVID, I got fired. They fired me. They accused me of stealing a little bit of money, which impersonally, I thought that was bullshit. I worked at Chili's for five years. I stole a shitload of money from Chili's. I'll tell you about my worst shift. My last shift at Chili's, I was super busy. And like, if you never worked at a restaurant, a lot of these chain places like that, they have these employees called food runners. And their whole job is in the title. All they do is when you're too busy as the waiter to go get your food, they'll bring it out on a tray and they'll set it down on something like this. And then they walk away and it's your job as the server to come hand it out. If you've never met a food runner, most food runners are what a doctor would describe to you as ******* idiots. I know this because my last shift, I'm super busy. I got a full section. One of my tables is a big party. There's 30 people and it's a family. Mom, dad, grandma, babies, everybody's there, right? They bring my food out. They set it down. I come over to hand the food out and I pick up the smallest thing on the tray. I pick up a side plate. They're like this big. There's nothing on it. Lightest thing, right? Soon as I pick it up, the tray wasn't balanced. So all the food flips off the tray. Have you seen that in a busy restaurant? It's a spectacle, right? When this happens, I watch in slow motion, two sizzling hot fajita skillets flying through the air. Both of them landed on the baby. I know, right? I was so scared. I was mortified. I will tell you that baby did smell delicious though. The mom gets super mad at me, which rightfully so. I can't blame her for that. She gets mad. She gets up and she's screaming at me. Now the whole restaurant's looking and I'm just apologizing. And then this bitch starts belly bumping me across the restaurant, you know? Again, I was like, I'll fight a lady bitch. You better watch out, you know? But I felt so bad. I didn't know what to do. I was like, ma'am, I'm so sorry. I don't know what to do here. Let me get my manager. He'll take care of this. And she's like, you better hurry. And I was like, sure, no problem. So I went in the back, you know, went back into the kitchen. I went back by the manager's office. I went out the back door. I got my car. I went home. I didn't tell anybody. Hey, charge that shit to the game, baby. I'm done here, right? I kept the money too that I collected that day. I was like, hell no. Yeah, I went home. I was trying to forget about the whole situation, you know? So I started smoking weed. I started drinking a little bit, you know? I was trying to forget about burning up that little baby, you know? All right. I feel like a lot of you are siding with the baby right now. Tonight, y'all are my ******* friends. Fuck that little baby, all right? Yeah. We all know just because you're a baby doesn't mean you're cool, all right? That baby could have been racist for all we know. Fuck him, yeah? So I rolled a blunt. I started smoking. I started drinking, trying to forget about burning up that racist little baby, you know? I started getting really high. You know, you start getting high and drunk, you get the munchies. I couldn't figure out what to eat. And then I remembered I had a 50% off discount card in my pocket for any time I want to eat chilies. So I went back to Chili's drunk and high. Didn't even remember that I quit earlier that day. I walked in singing the song, I want my baby back, baby. The manager comes running up from the back. He starts yelling at me. I was like, calm down, Gary. I just want some ribs, bro. What's your problem? And he goes, hey, man, you just left in the middle of your shift. And I remembered what happened. I was like, oh, bro, I burned a baby up. I'm pretty sure that's the end of my shift. I don't even know if I work here. All right. You guys see how that joke kind of sizzles out right at the end, right there? It's exactly what happened to that baby, dude. Did anybody have fun during COVID while things were shut down? Anybody have a good time? Sometimes crowds are like, no. I'm like, you're a ******* loser, dude. I had a great time. I never thrived so well financially than when COVID was shut down, right? It was great. My unemployment and my stimulus hit on the same day at the same time. Yeah. I was rich for 18 seconds flat, dude. I'd always heard the term, if you get a lump sum of money, what you should do is you should invest in yourself. So that's what I did over COVID. That's why I haven't been back to work. I started a business. As soon as I got all that money, I went out and I bought three pounds of weed and four pounds of mushrooms right away. Doesn't sound like I'm going to sell a lot after this show. I did the over COVID. I bought a bunch of mushrooms with that money. And then I drove down to Galveston, Texas because I ate a bunch of those mushrooms, right? Plus I wanted to see what section eight beach housing looked like. It's pretty nice, dude. It's very nice. I did though. And let me ask, I want you guys to do me a favor. If you've never done psychedelics, mushrooms, acid, any of that, clap it up, never done psychedelics about 15 ******* nerds in here tonight. Now I'm only asking because if you don't know this, cause you've never taken it. Whenever you take psychedelics, whether it's mushrooms or acid, one of two things is going to happen without fail every single time, if not both. And those two things are once they start working one, you're either going to have to throw up or two, you're going to have to take a shit. Yeah. It's just the drugs playing the evil out of your system, bro. That's all it is. Yeah. Yeah. I'm just telling you this because I go down to Galveston. I ate a bunch of mushrooms and I'm on the beach and I got my whole setup. I'm there by myself, but I got my umbrella. I got my snacks, my drinks. And I got hit with what I call the psych poops, the psychedelic poops. They hit you right here. You know, when you get drunk and you eat $40 in taquitos from Whataburger and the next day they're in charge now, you know, it was one of those. Right. I didn't know what to do. I'm on the beach by myself. And if you've never been to Galveston, Texas, it's basically Houston's beach. So I can't leave my setup out of sight because they're going to steal my shit. Right. I didn't know what to do. So the only logical answer I could come up with is I just went out in the ocean and fed the fish, as they say. Oh, really? For the fish? We burned a baby in the last joke. Fuck those fish, dude. I did though. I pooped in the ocean, y'all. I straight up, I pooped. I went out to where the water's right here and I just pulled my shirt, just pop it out. I looked around to make sure no one's watching because you can't see me. But, you know, I'm on drugs. Plus, when you're pooping, you might make a face like this or something, you know. I look around, nobody's looking at me. So I'm like, OK, cool. Coast is clear. So I start walking out of the water and I get almost back to the shore. I'm almost out of the water. I get to where the water's like right here by my ankle. I can't reach it, but y'all know what an ankle is. Don't laugh that hard at that, man. Come on. Yeah, I can touch your ankle before you can touch it. So and vice versa, dude. Dude, I get almost out of the water and like I hear right here, right next to me, but right behind me, I hear some commotion. I hear some splashing and then I just hear a woman's voice yell out, oh, it's a ship. I was like, this is Galveston, that might not be mine, right? Y'all, I turned and looked and there's a woman with a toddler overhead. She was high stepping out of the water. I pooped on a baby. I shit on a baby, guys. I pooped on a baby. Best part, I turned and looked, the baby, bell pepper, onion scar. Same baby from Chili's. You thought I was done shitting on that baby, didn't you? Fuck that racist little baby, bro. Let me ask, does anybody here still have an Android phone? Anybody still use an Android, makes a noise? Yeah. See, that's the thing, right? I don't know why people get so much hate for having an Android, right? It's a piece of technology. You can fire a missile off with that thing, you know? I mean, I have an iPhone because I'm not a ******* loser, but it's still kind of nice, you know? No, I don't understand the hate people get, especially if you know how phones are made. Like all phones, but specifically iPhones, they're actually made in pretty terrible conditions. Have you guys, have you seen the videos online, right? So, iPhones, they're made in this sweatshop in China and conditions are so bad that the people working there, they get really depressed. So much so that these people, they'll go up to the top of the building and they'll jump off when they're supposed to be working to commit suicide, which is awful, right? That's terrible. And the people that, all right, found the Android users. These motherfuckers just found out that TikTok exists. That's crazy, right? They'll go jump off the building. This happens so often that the people that run these sweatshops, they built nets around the building to catch the jumpers. And I think the most horrifying part about all this is when they pull you out of the net and they clock you back into your shift, right? Can you imagine that? They pull you out, they bring you back downstairs, they sit you next to your coworker and your coworker's just looking at you like, how was your break, dude? Nothing but net, bro. I've been working on myself a lot lately. I've been working on my weight for about 41 years. Thank you. It's a math joke. So far, I've actually lost total control. No, I'm down right now. I've lost 40 pounds. I'm 40 pounds down. Thank you, guys. Oh, thank you. Oh, thank you, guys. Appreciate that. I noticed you didn't clap, sir. He's looking at me like, you're still fat, though, dude. You got some work to do, boy. Here's the thing. I actually haven't lost any weight, but that felt really good from those of y'all that did clap. Thank you, guys. Appreciate that. No, I'm messing with you. I am. I'm down 40 pounds right now. You know what drives me crazy, though, about losing weight? I've lost 40 pounds, but I'm still shaped like this. And like my girlfriend can tell you, for a month, I've been trying to pick what shirt to wear for this special. Instead of losing weight, I was like, I'll just get a better shirt, you know? And even today, I put on like 10 shirts. And what drives me the most crazy, it's these right here. It's the love handles. I would say, can you see them? But I know that's all you can ******* see, right? Don't laugh that hard, bitch. Ouch. No. It drives me crazy. Like love handles? Who named this shit, right? Nobody loves this shit. Call these hate handles. Grab on and take me somewhere better. This shit sucks, right? Today, I was getting ready for the show, and I was pretty high. I was looking in the mirror trying on shirts, and I was thinking to myself, I'm shaped like God put too much cheese on his quesadilla. Now it's coming out the sides. It actually hurts more when you don't laugh at that joke, just so you know. But no, I've been working on myself a lot lately. I kind of had to. I'm going to share my personal story with you guys. This is what happened to me almost two years ago. And I don't want y'all to get too weird about it, but we're just going to talk about it, get it out in the open. So I mean, some of you already know this, but two years ago, what happened to me is I actually had two massive heart attacks, and then I died a little bit during surgery, you know? It's rude to laugh at that part. But it's weird, though. And like, here's the thing. Before you guys get weird about it, it's okay. I made it, you know? Spoiler alert. I'm still alive. My heart's 100% now. I'm kicking again, you know? Thank you, guys. Thank you. Thank you, guys. Apparently, I found this out. I had no idea, but apparently, it's really bad for your body if you do all the cocaine you can find, which is stupid. I never felt better than when I was doing all that ******* cocaine, you know? It's like I did so many lines, they decided I had to wear one right here down my chest, you know? It's my body, my choice. Fucking laugh at that. Fuck you. That's a weird experience, you know? I didn't know I had a heart attack. I thought it was allergies because I'm stupid. I went to the hospital and I was like, I can't breathe. And they were like, you're gonna die tonight, sir. I was like, tight, brother. What do you say to that, you know? They told me I needed surgery. They said I needed a double bypass. I did the surgery. I was like, just put it on my tab, bro. It's cool. I did the surgery afterwards. They let me know they did a triple bypass, not a double. And I was like, you got like a bypass bogo going on today or what? It's a weird experience. I've never been through a big health scare like that, you know? You go through a lot of weird encounters. Like the night before my surgery, they had this one nurse come into my room. And what she does is she preps patients for surgery. And she was really nice, really beautiful Latina girl. She was one of those ones with like really hairy arms, you know? Like, have you guys ever shopped at Dollar General before? You know the one, right? Not Family Dollar, Dollar General, you know. She had a weird job. So her job to prep the patients, what she does is she has you strip down, take your gown off, everything. She has you lay in the bed. And what she does is she shaves your body, but they only shave a middle lane, like a reverse mohawk down your body. And I only bring up her arms because when she got down here by my thighs, she kind of tickled it a little bit, you know? I got a boner, I'm not gonna lie. It's a weird vulnerable moment for me, you know? This stranger's arm here is giving me a weird boner and I'm getting cut open the next day, you know? And I felt weird. I felt like I need to smooth it over with her. I felt awkward, you know? And the problem is I'm a comic. I'm a **** around too much. And so I look at her and I said, oh, sorry about that. He don't bite. She locks eyes with me. She goes, you're no threat to me. I did, during the surgery, it was a five-hour surgery, about halfway through, they pronounced me clinically dead for about a minute and a half. They revived me. But they didn't tell me this for two weeks. They didn't tell me the day I woke up and came out of the anesthesia. They waited two weeks. And when they told me is when I found out I had a really smug doctor. This dude was super cocky. You know, some doctors have that God complex. They think a lot of themselves. And I found out because of the way he told me. So I'm sitting in his office two weeks after the surgery. I'm going through recovery. And he's sitting there. He's going over my results. He's got his clipboard out. And he goes, yeah, everything looks good. We think you're going to make a full recovery. It's going to be a lot of hard work, but we believe you can do it. And I was like, sounds good. He goes, yeah, we didn't want to tell you the day of the surgery. We didn't want you to freak out. We want you to rest. But actually, during the surgery, about halfway through, you clinically died. You flatlined for a minute and a half. And this is how he does it. He paused. He goes, yeah, you died for a minute and a half. But I brought you back, kid. I was like, you're the one that just ******* killed me. You don't get credit for that, dude. They also didn't prepare me what I was going to wake up to coming out of the surgery, like waking up from anesthesia. So while I was under, they put in a breathing tube. And on top of that, they also restrain you. They tie you down to the hospital bed so you can't like jump up and mess anything up. So I wake up and I can't talk because I got this breathing tube in. And also, all I can do to communicate is move my hands up and down, like thumbs up, thumbs down, whatever, you know. So I open my eyes and there's this beautiful nurse standing over me. And she's like, sir, just relax. Everything's fine. You made it. You pulled through. You're here. She goes, I just met your mom and sister. They're in the next room waiting on you. They're very sweet people. And my first thought waking up from surgery was, why is this bitch lying to me right now? I can't argue with her, so I'm just like, thumbs up, you know. She goes, do you have a girlfriend out there waiting on you? I personally asked my girlfriend not to come because there's nothing she can do, right? So I was like, just instead of being here worrying, just stay home. They'll let you know when I'm out. So I said, no, no girlfriend. And she goes, well, you're a handsome boy. I bet you could get a girlfriend. I wanted to flirt back with this nurse, but I can't say anything. So I just gave her one of these. I gave her, oh, you. I just flopped that out there for her. She locked eyes with me. And with the most serious face, she goes, oh honey, it's okay if you're one of those damn gays. I was like, what kind of homophobic hospital is this? I started signaling, not gay. I'm not gay. It's like an hour goes by and they take my breathing to about. And the way they do that, they do it in one motion. They have you cough and they just rip that thing out, like starting a chainsaw, you know. It's a little painful, but I could, I felt better because I could breathe better without it and I could speak immediately. So as soon as I yanked my tube out, I turned to this nurse, she's still in my room. I turned to her and I said, hey, I'm not gay lady. She goes, all right, you ******* homophobe. Calm down. I was like, I'm not homophobic. I love gay people. She goes, yeah, bet you do queer. Right. I was like, did I sleep gay or something? I was like, why are you messing with me? I'm not gay and I'm not homophobic. I like gay people. It's whatever. And she goes, sir, well, me and the other nurses, we've been talking and we don't believe you. We all think you're gay. I was like, why do you think I'm gay? She goes, sir, all I'll say is when I put your breathing tube in, you didn't gag one bit. Touche. I'm a fun guy, bitch. What's up? I don't like how hard he's laughing at it. I'm kind of ******* offended right now. Oh, dude. I had to go through cardiac rehab. Cardiac rehab is weird. It was basically me and a bunch of 80 year old women working out together. And they just sit there and watch us. And I'll tell you, it really busts your confidence when you can't keep up with them on the treadmill. You know, it's cool though, because all the old ladies, they try to make me feel good. They were raising my confidence because they'd always come flirt with me. It's always the same group. When you go in, they set your appointment, you come in with the same people. So all these old ladies would always come in and flirt with me like, oh, what are you doing around here? And I'm like, trying not to die again. Like you. They bring me like little treats and snacks. They bring me cookies and stuff. You know, it's pretty cool. The cookies were good. The pussy was really dry, but the cookies were really good. Starting to sound like I have a type, right? A lot of people ask me about this because, you know, that's a big surgery. People always ask me, is that expensive? Yeah, if you pay it. I'm not. Yeah. If I can't pay the whole thing, why would I start? You know, I'm not. For a long time, my medical bills were stacking up, you know, so I bought a paper shredder, fixed it. It's good. It's eating. That's it. They're done. You know, after seven years, medical bills, they just go away. So I got five more to go and I'm free and clear, baby. Yeah. It's like my heart's a car. I'm hiding in my garage so they can't repo it. You had a car repo, didn't you? It's crazy, man. I found like I want to give you all some advice, like if you ever have a medical problem in the future, the shit is expensive. You know, I found a way to mitigate all that. I found the best health care plan on the planet. It's free. It's easy. There's no paperwork to sign up. And I'll tell you how it works. If you're not on this plan, you should get on it. The way it works is if you get sick or injured, go to the ER. And if you give them a fake name, they can't bill you if they can't find you, dude. Yeah. Some of you aren't laughing. I'll tell you. Mikey B had heart surgery. A Scotty Waterpipe hasn't paid for shit, OK? That's a good name, right? Yeah. Scotty Waterpipe. Dude, I found this out about 10 years ago. I threw my back out. I went to the ER. I gave my fake name and they take me in the back. And they have this this beautiful doctor comes in and she comes in to examine me and find out what's wrong. And when she comes in the room, we're in there for about 10 minutes and she's going over everything and she's asked me a few questions. And she goes, all right, sir. She goes, I need to examine you further. So what I'm going to do is I need you to take all your clothes off and put this gown on. You guys know the hospital gown where your ass can really breathe, you know. She has me put one of those on. And like she tells me when I leave the room, I want you to take all your clothes off, put the gown on and let me paint the picture for you. So I'm in the examination room. We'll say the door's right here where you guys are. There's a wall right here and there's a table up against the wall, an examination table. She goes, once you put the gown on, she goes, I want you to lay on the table and face the wall and don't turn around till I come back in the room. Right. I was like, what kind of Blair Witch porno are we filming here tonight? I was like, whatever, I'll do it. So I put the gown on. I'm laying on the table and facing the wall. About 10 minutes goes by. I hear the door open. I look back at the doctor. She's coming back in, but she's got some dude with her this time. And I'm like, you can't bring your friends to the show, man. We're not selling tickets, right? I was like, this isn't like Six Flags. You don't bring a can of Coke and a friend. You bring a bag of Coke and now we're friends, right? She goes, sir, just relax. He's a new intern. He needs to see how this works. I'm like, all right, whatever. So I'm laying there, I'm laying there on the table and she's examining me, but she's not talking to me. She's kind of sitting on the table, but she's facing him and she's squeezing on my back. And I've been in pain for a few days. So I started to get really relaxed. I started to doze off a little bit and she's explaining stuff to him. And then all of a sudden she's right here by my ear and she whispers right in my ear. She gets right here and I can feel her breath. And she goes, this next part's going to be uncomfortable. You know exactly where she's at, right? I didn't know what to do. I clenched up, right? I thought, side note, I thought I was in trouble because I clenched up and I snapped it to the side a little bit. I just popped her knuckle. She was fine. She did though, this lady had the nerve to tell me, medical doctor, fingers still in my butt. When I clenched up, she had the nerve to tell me, sir, unclench your cheeks. I was like, man, my ass is the Middle East. We need to pull out of there. A long time ago. Let's get out of here, right? Let's get our boys home, right? So after that, she leaves the room. She sends another nurse in with my prescription and I'm thinking I'm going to get something good, you know, especially with the experience we just went through, you know, and I'm in real pain here. And I think she didn't come in and bring my prescription herself because of what she gave me. She prescribed me Tyenol 3s. Yeah, that person has pills in their purse right now. They also know Tyenol 3, that's some bullshit right there, right? I went looking for the doctor in the hallway to see if I can get her to give me a stronger prescription. I find her and I said, hey doc, no offense, but I'm already taking Tyenol. It's not really helping. I'm still in pain here. Can I get something a little better? And she goes, oh, you want like Vicodin, maybe some hydrocodone, a little Percocet, you know? Right. I was like, yo, I was like, **** yeah. Let's go. What's your phone number? Let's hang out, right? Hell yeah. She goes, well, I can do that, but there's only one problem. I was like, what's that? And she looks me up and down and she goes, that takes three fingers. I only gave you two. I walked out there with a fistful of prescriptions, y'all. You want to go to the doctor, dude? I've had a lot of weird jobs. I love doing comedy. It's my favorite. I'm honored that you guys are out here supporting this. Thank you guys so much for coming out here. Appreciate you. Thank you guys. Thank you guys so much. It's taken me a long time. Like I said, I'm 41. I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life for a long time. I've tried a lot of things. I've started a t-shirt and hat company, you know, done door-to-door sales. I used to manage some rappers. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I just fell into it. I didn't ask for it. You know, I had a friend that was a rapper. He's like, you want to be my manager? And I was like, sure, dude, whatever you do. That's cool. You know, nobody you've ever heard of. They were local guys here in Dallas, you know, but we did get to do some big shows. We got to open for some really cool people. We opened for Juicy J once, Bone Thugs-N-Harmony. We opened for DMX. That was my favorite. Any DMX fans? Hell yeah. I was super excited for the DMX show. I got him a gig opening for DMX at Trees down there in Deep Ellum, and we are super excited. I'm a big DMX fan, you know. He was big when I was in high school. And like, a side note, I'll tell you, DMX, I was playing the Rough Riders album the first time I got to finger a girl, so it's deep in my heart, you know. Another side note, maybe don't play the Rough Riders album the first time you get fingered, ladies. Yeah, it's too hilarious. I'm super excited for this show because I'm like, maybe I'll get to meet DMX, you know. Like, you know, he's known for beating up people on tour, just slapping people around, you know. So the day of the show, I'm super excited. I get there early to set up because we got our merch booth, so I go to the venue early. And like, I sit in my car when I get there because I'm like three hours early, and I smoke a big Celebration Blown already. I'm smoking by myself. I'm happy. And then I get out of the car, and I'm starting to pull merch out of the trunk. And I thought they were just doing his warm-ups because they're barely opening the doors, and I can hear his music. And then I'm like, I'm not thinking about it, you know. I'm pulling stuff out of the trunk, and then somebody starts yelling at me. And I look over to my left, and the only other person I see in the parking lot is DMX. He's out there, and he's yelling at me for some reason, right. And I was like, oh shit, y'all gonna make me lose my mind. Up in here, up in here. I'm not making this up. It's crazy. He comes up to me, he's yelling at me, and he's giving me all these orders, like telling me stuff he needs done, like I work there. And I just let him yell at me for a minute because it's such a surreal moment. Plus, I'm really high, and I don't know if it's actually happening, you know. So I let him yell at me when he's done. I say, hey man, I'm honored to meet you, but I actually don't work here. I manage one of your openers. I'm just here to set up early. And my DMX voice is bad, but he looks at me, he goes, what, you ain't the boss? Motherfucker, you look like a boss. I was like, thank you, DMX. That's very sweet of you, right. Yeah, I can't make this next part up. Then he just gets in my car, doesn't say anything, just turns my Honda into a Rough Rider right away, right. I didn't know what to do, so I get in. I was like, shit, ride or die, ************, let's go, hell yeah. I get in the car with him, and I'm sitting there, and he tells me he wants to smoke weed. And I was like, oh, I got you, dude. I'll roll you a blunt. And he goes, cool. So I start rolling him a blunt, and it felt like it took me an hour and a half to roll this blunt, right. And not because it did, I can roll a blunt pretty quick with one hand while I drive with my knee, you know. If you're laughing, you're a cool ************, because you can too, hell yeah, dude. It felt like it took an eternity, because while I rolled this blunt, after DMX tells me he wants to smoke, he doesn't say another word. He sits in my Honda, he faces forward, and he just breathes like an angry pit bull for the whole time. Yeah, he just sat there. I was so scared. I get this blunt rolled, I toss it to him, he lights it up, he starts puffing on it, we're passing it back and forth. We get about halfway through, and we fog the car up, you know, we were hot boxing, we had the windows up. And at one point, I can't see DMX, but I can still hear him just... I'm like, sounds like he's eating the blunt, what the ****? We get halfway through the blunt, at that moment, these four of the tallest, most ratchet women I've ever seen in my life, they're all like six foot seven, they come up to my car, and they start rocking it back and forth. I'm like, dude, I'll ride or die, but I ain't fighting that shit, hell no, dude. He's hitting the blunt, he looks at me, and the coolest moment I've ever experienced in my life is when he hits the blunt, and he looks at me, and he goes, gotta feed the bitches, son. Dude, dude, he gets out of my car, I swear to God, he gets out, he tosses the blunt, opens the door, he gets out, he pulls a dog collar out of his pocket, he puts it around the tallest one, and he starts going, come on, bitches, come on, bitches. Dude, and I'm a big DMX fan, he died a few years ago, and I just like to imagine him up in heaven feeding all the bitches right now. Thank you guys, I'm Mikey B, thank you guys for coming out, thank you guys so much. I never bite my tongue, you can't walk a mile higher looking like us, tell me if the good die young, we bad motherfuckers, don't worry about us, I hit when I need to buy drugs, these days the block hits me up, I'm a shit you shouldn't try once, I'm a shit you shouldn't try once.