Matt Rife GOES OFF_ Savage Crowd Roasts _ Wild Confessions! (2025)

I'm originally from Columbus, Ohio. I don't know if anybody's ever made that mistake. You said Ohio? You from Ohio? It just sounds funny? Wait for the rest of the show. You're going to lose it. Didn't know geography got you off like that. My bad. Check this out. Tallahassee. More syllables. You're what? Where are you from? Mexico City. Mexico City? Nice. You live here now or are you just hiding here? Awesome. That's so cool. I ******* love Mexico, man. I get all my phone from there. You guys do a really good job. Fantastic. How long have you been here? You don't speak English. You don't speak English? No, I'll try English. Suspicioso. There's no way that's a word for this. And cancel. Great. You're such a ho. Is it a good one? Splitting the check. Splitting the check. On a first date? He asked in the beginning of the date? Towards the middle? Oh, you were boring. In the middle? Did you like him? Until that moment, did you like him? I'm curious. I'm curious. Until he asked to split the check, were you like, this is going good? You were? ****. Did you sleep with him? Wow. Oh my God. He split you and the check in one night? In what? I'm fingering. You're literally scraping food onto a plate while you're talking to me about sex. I'm enjoying myself. You're enjoying yourself? Have you ever tried it quietly? Like meditation? What's that? Your inability to please others. Oh, my inability to please others. Oh no, I could definitely make you cum, for sure. Who are you here with? Myself. You couldn't even get somebody to cum with you. That's right. Damn. I'm a nice person. Okay? You guys see I didn't start that? It doesn't finish it. It does finish it. I comedically, like, gave you a facial, dog. Like, I don't know how much better it could be. How old are you? You have a grandson my age? We'll ******* set up a play date. Let's do this ----. Let's go. I'm just curious, my grandpa ought to be 68. I'm 78. You're 78? Oh my God, congratulations. You look fantastic. Are you kidding me? Are you still working? You retired? I am retired now. What did you used to do? Respiratory therapist. Respiratory therapist? Nice. Okay, strong lungs. How long can you hold your breath? No, dude, this is why I would love, I would love... Dude, I bet older women give the best heck because they can just put in the oxygen in their nose and they never have to breathe. That's the most intrusive thought I've ever said out loud. Nobody should admit that that's a thing they thought. It's like slugging a dick with a snorkel. That's just strategy. Who fought on the way over here? I say fight now so I don't have to work for the next 30 minutes. I say, y'all are clearly a couple. Who's the guy in her life that you hate? It's her best friend. How long has this guy been your best friend? Couple of years. Okay, that doesn't mean he hasn't been trying to **** you for a couple of years. Where'd you meet this best friend? At work? Oh, that's worse. Oh, no, she has to see him every day. Okay, where do you work? At a school? You're not ******* these kids, are you? Are you a teacher? Oh, ----, okay. What do you teach? You teach math? Alright, **** you. Is he a teacher as well? What does he teach? Science? Would you say you two have chemistry? No? Doesn't sound like it. Sounds like y'all are about to be history. Gay? **** yeah, dude. That's what I'm talking about, man. How long you been out and about? 2020? Summer of 2020? ****, recently? Were you just that bored in the house? How old are you? 20. You're 20? My birthday's on Wednesday. Your birthday's this Wednesday? Happy birthday, man. How you guys gotta compete? Who sucks better dick? You think so? You got home field advantage. Alright, let's test it. Alex, get back out of here. Alex, get back. Are you single? You are single? You're gonna die that way. You got any more room on your team? Cause this ---- is annoying. Oh my god. So no public boyfriend just yet? He's not ----. He ain't ----? Why do you say that? Don't cheer, you homophobes. What made him not ----? Besides you in there. Cause he was blocking the path. Whatever, dude. Whatever. You ******* turds. But you were ******* turds, actually. That's stupid, man. I'm sorry. Real question. Is there a certain thing she needs to look for? A certain quality, maybe? A green flag to look for? One-legged guy! I've never been heckled by a pirate in my ******* life. What happened to your leg? Bad motorcycle rides. Bad motorcycle rides? So ******* Florida. Oh my god. How long ago was that? 12 years. 12 years ago? Damn. Wait, what's that? 12-14. I don't know. Were you drinking during this motorcycle accident? Yes, sir. Yes, sir? Yeah. Shucker. Wait, give me a pro and a con. I quit. You quit? Drinking, hopefully. What's your name, man? Brett, Brett, and I used to get it wet. I think I'm having an aneurysm. Brett, Brett, I used to get it wet? What did you use to get wet? The other leg? The middle one. Some of you guys are making it weird for him. I feel like he didn't start this ----, okay? He didn't ******* take his side in the middle of a heckle fest. The last thing this guy needs is a leg up advantage. Alright, I'm gonna need you to be quiet now. One more time for Brett, everybody. Do you have light up shoes? I do. Why? They're so bright. You're welcome. What's that? I said you're welcome. You said you're welcome? Yeah, thank you for bringing Christmas lights on your feet. I appreciate that. If you click your heels together three times, you go back to Dayton. How cute is that? Can I see it? Can I see it so they understand? Are you able to take one of them off? Or both? Forever? Look at this kiosk ************ right here. You buy these at the same kiosk you can get your phone screen fixed for $7.99. You got those on Amazon? Give them back. Free return policy. Read the shirt. What does your shirt say? Put your balls all over me. It's Christmas. I feel like you can't wait to have your chimney come to him. That's what I feel about it. Oh my god. It's been a hard year. It's been a hard year? It feels like you've learned nothing. No, I had my whore phase in the Marines. It's fine. What? Did you say I had my whore phase in the Marines? Yeah, that's what I want my soldiers doing. How'd you get those hostages back? Well... Soldiers or Army? Marines or Marines? Well, those shoes are awful regardless. Those can't be service mandatory. What did you do in the Marines besides suck dick? Circumcised. Oh, it's simplified. Sorry, sorry. Different one, different one. Sorry. I didn't know. This is your wife, girlfriend? Wife. Congrats. How long? Six years. Nice. How long have you been together? We've been married for five years. Married for five years together. So you got married after a year? Yeah. We have a son who's five. You have a son who's five? Yeah. You, what? So you have a son who's five and you've been married for five years? I'm sure those numbers have nothing to do with each other. I'm sure you guys got married out of pure love. When you were ready, I'm sure. You'll be fine. You'll probably be alright. Where'd you guys meet six years ago? At a dog park. At a dog park? Man, I know for a fact you don't even got a dog, bro. You're the type of ************ to go to a dog park and just... Has anybody seen him? Until somebody is like, do you want me to help look for him? Yeah, maybe he ran back to my place. She gets to his house. I don't see a dog. Look again. He adopted my 16-year-old daughter, so... You adopted her 16-year-old... After y'all were married? Well, yeah. Okay, I thought this was like pre-dog park. I was like, that's... That's a bit strange. Same day. You met three new bitches in one. Isn't that crazy? Wife, daughter, dog. Dude, I love a responsible stepdad, man. Just don't let this story end like most of those movies. Porn hub. You guys want more kids or no? It's plenty. One boy, one girl. You nailed it. You're fine. If you were a son, you would know why. If I knew your son, I would know why. What's wrong with your five-year-old? I'm pretty sure he's a serial killer. You're pretty sure he's a serial killer? Yeah, let's get him homeschooled ASAP. What is he? Did you guys have three dogs? Like, what happened? Some of you guys got that a little bit later. How recently did you guys break up? Today. Gotcha. He didn't do anything. He didn't do anything? He didn't do anything wrong or anything like that? In life. In life? Yeah. Did he not have a job the entire time you guys were together? He didn't. He didn't? He worked in the ER. He worked in the ER also? Are you working with a hero? So how did he not do anything if he worked in the ER? Was he the janitor? I guess aside from work, if he didn't work, he didn't do anything. Aside from work, he didn't do anything? He was saving lives! You don't think when Superman gets done, he's not like, Bro, **** it. You don't think he just ******* chills? Oh my god. What's he about to do? So you wanted him to do more with his life after the ER? No. Yes? What do you do? You work for American Airlines? Oh, **** you! Yes it is! To be like, oh, what have you been doing? Saving lives all day? Yeah, what have you been doing? Peanuts. You put your seatbelt up this much? Yes. Are you a stewardess on there? I work in the baggage service. You work in the baggage service? And knowing that you work in baggage for an airline just lets me know how terribly you treated his ---- when you were going there. You ever see people unloading baggage from the plane? They're like... This is why there's always two sides to every story. Because in the beginning, you guys were like, Yeah, he's living a low life. And then you were like, Oh, he's a really good guy. Do the one-handed belt. Take my belt off? If I do, will you hang yourself with it? I've never been more sure of somebody from Miami in my ******* life. I'm actually from Houston! Worse. Dry Miami. Gross. Ugh. What school you go to? Rollins. Community College. Yeah. It's a private school? Sorry. Just say you came from money. Just say that. What if Pal chose jury selection today? Is that a real thing? Wasn't she selling pussy-scented candles? She's a what? She's a blog? The Goop? That sounds like what she should name her pussy-scented candle as. I wish I had been more up-to-date on that trial. That's ******* scary. Oh, way worse. Women's basketball. Don't hit on my mom. What's that? Don't hit on my mom. Your mom plays professional basketball? WNBA, yes. No way. So you definitely don't come from money. I just did something your mom could never do. I dunked on your bitch ass, dog. That was a low blow. I'm sorry. But it was also such a layup. Was your mom good? Yes. Would you say she was the Dykel Jordan of the WNBA? That is pretty cool, though. Did you get to go to a lot of games growing up? Yeah, I did. You sat courtside? Absolutely. Was it lonely? We have to get out of here, you guys. We do. Because I have a fantasy WNBA team to go manage. Those are your cookies? Do I want one? What kind are they? Chocolate chip? Are they soft chocolate chip or like the hard ones? Soft. Can I have one? Oh, they're ******* massive. Can I have the whole thing? Are you sure? If this is poisoned, I swear to God. Edibles? Oh my God, it could be edibles. Oh, I don't know. Chicago. Cut to 45 minutes from now. Can you guys feel my jokes? This is my ******* nightmare, bro. It is very good. Where are these from? Crumble? Is that like a local Chicago place? No? It's a chain? Who booed cookies? What do you have against Crumble, dawg? You a rival bakery or something? You got ops out here? You don't **** with Crumble? No. Why not? Because they crumble and I heard they don't... Bitch, it's in the name. Yeah, you name a bakery, they stay together. And see how well your business does. Just ******* biting on bricks and ----. That's solid advertising. They never let you astray even once. Do you have the cutter with you? With the crumble. There's a cutter? Oh, there's a cookie cutter that comes with the cookies? Do you have it? Even though they've already been cut. Oh, it comes in a slice because they're so ******* big. Oh, again, another perk. I'm tired of you having a problem with all the positivity. With this bakery. Anybody else see this picture moving? This ---- really kicked my... I freaked the **** out, bro. Has anybody ever seen a ghost? Have you really? Wait, hold on, before you get into this. Does anybody have any weed? Wait, do you really? What do you have? You have a whole joint? What does she have? You have a dab pen? Am I allowed to have this? Can I have... Why does it look like a pregnancy test? Tastes like urine. It's called ghost. What? If this isn't a sign, I don't know what is. Oh, my God. Does that mean your kid's not gonna make it? I have a friend who... Around places where things happen, she'll feel weird. Like this tree. Oh, my gosh. I can see your name, your year. I'm sorry, man. Has anybody ever seen a ghost? Oh, a ghost in your bathroom mirror? The only thing I've actually ever seen in my bathroom mirror is just this fine-ass dude. He just be... He look scary good. That's crazy. Man, died from too much puss. What did you hear about a bathroom mirror? No, I saw one in my bathroom mirror. You saw one in your bathroom mirror? Yes. What did it look like? So, it's actually... I'm convinced it's actually my brother who passed away. I walked into the bathroom, and I turned the light on, and there was a static figure, and then it just dissipated. Oh, ----. Yeah. My aunt believes she's a medium, so she's... Your aunt believes she's a medium? But that bitch really a large? That's so stupid, man. Next time a person's like, I'm a medium, I'm gonna go... I'm sorry. I didn't mean to show your family. What happened? Oh. So, basically, her aunt who believes she's a medium told them that she believed there's ghosts in the house, and then they said that she was crazy and got her institutionalized. That is so fucked up. She tried to save y'all. Is she still in there? She lives in that house now? And she's like, I ain't saying ---- now. Y'all can get possessed. I don't care. Shit flying off the walls. Did you see that? Nope. Sure didn't. Like, how do I possibly top what I did last year? Autistic children? Do you really? How old? He just turned four. How far on the spectrum would you say he is? Is it little by little? He's nonverbal. He got it. What's his thing that he's really good at? Hyperlexic. What's that? He's very, very good with numbers, shapes, colors. He's good with numbers, shapes, and colors. **** yeah. That dude about to rob a casino some day. You're gonna be a very rich mom some day. There's no cons, bro. You don't gotta worry about him talking to strangers. You don't like talking to nobody. That's awesome. Congratulations. What is that? Something she drew. It's a fan art. You made that? Are you kidding me? You drew this? Yes. That's so cool. She drew this. Aww. This is so good. And you're verbal. Guys, this is really good. Okay? ------- be nice. This is going top of the fridge. ****. ****, I look like that? What happened with your ghost story? I was in Monterey, Mexico. Monterey, Mexico. You look like you're not from there. So visiting. I was in Mexico City and I was driving back to Kansas. I went through Monterey. I was in a I was in a hotel room. That night in our room I was with three other people also witnesses to this event. And there was a probably like an eight foot figure in our room. There was an eight foot figure in your room? Mexicans are not that tall. So instinctually you're like that's not supposed to be here. Unless it was just like two of them in a trench coat. You know when kids are trying to get into an amusement park and they're just ******* One adult please. Okay, so you saw this tall ass figure. Okay. That's the end of it? Okay. It made an indescribable sound? You mean Spanish? This was this was just housekeeping. He woke up at 9 a.m. and just heard I clean? Ah! Dia de los muertes! So it made this sound. How would you describe this sound? A whisper scream? Was it a ghost of the yin yang twins? And then did it just disappear? Did it walk away? It levitated over the bed? Alright, so it levitated over the bed and you were like Ah! Please don't! Could you guys in the back hear what happened? You can hear the story okay? I just wanted to make sure. Yeah, basically he was in Mexico doing some gay ---- with his friends. Scared them a little. Jimmy Did you know that it's Black History Month? You did know that? Have you learned anything yet? No? Oh, Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy. Does anybody have a black history fact or statistic that would Oh, let's hear this white girl. What was it? What do you got? What's that? He invented the super soaker? No way! Wasn't it Lonnie what? What is it? Lonnie Johnson. That's wrong. That sounds like every cornerback. I used to love the super soaker, man. Okay, that's a good one. What's another one? The same guy invented the Nerf gun? I mean, if they're gonna keep shooting each other I might as well be safe. **** y'all, dude. That's a good joke, man. Dude, can we end on a fun third? Does anybody have another one? Nope. Not looking good, Connecticut. We've heard enough. What's that? Black History Month used to only be a week long and then a president changed it to make it the whole month. The shortest month. Do you know what president it was? You don't remember? I do want to know this, actually. Bro! I was gonna give it a second. I was gonna say the same thing, bro. I was gonna act like I was Googling for ten seconds. Lonnie Johnson! ****! Oh, man. Oh, we are learning. We are learning some stuff. Has anybody ever seen a ghost? Have you really? Wait, hold on. Before you get into this, does anybody have any weed? Wait, do you really? What do you have? You have a whole joint? What does she have? You have a dab pen? Am I allowed to have this? Can I have... Why does it look like a pregnancy test? Tastes like urine. It's called ghost. What? If this isn't a sign, I don't know what is. Oh, my God. Does that mean your kid's not gonna make it? I have a friend who around places where things have happened, she'll feel weird. On our college campus, there's this tree. Oh, my gosh. She walked by the tree and she felt like she was choking. Then they looked it up later and that's the tree where a bunch of lynchings would happen. All through her childhood, certain places would give her headaches or bad feelings. They would look it up and it's like, oh, that's the bridge where everyone commits suicide over and over and over and it would make her physically feel bad. So, do you think like if she entered a room where two people just got done just ******* the ---- out of each other, she would be like, I'm choking again. They're like, no, they used to shoot porn in this room. You never know. Comforting note, she says cemeteries. She's like, cemeteries. Do you have anything you want on your tombstone? You guys ever think about this? That's like the thing that people see your name, your year. What was it? A QR code? A QR code to what? Your OnlyFans? God rest their soul, but them titties can come back. God damn. About to give me a resurrection. A res-erection. Come on. Man, y'all gotta hit this ghost ----. This is... Virgo men are the worst. Alright, let's talk to somebody who spent Valentine's Day alone. Let's see. Virgo men are the worst? You know what's funny about this? Before I even defend myself, I don't even care. I don't even believe in this ----, but I can't let it slide, okay? Virgo men and Aquarius men? You're Aquarius? Oh, I thought you were annoying. I'm sorry. I thought you were... I'm so sorry. I thought. That's my bad. Why do you think Virgo men are the worst, though? You don't **** with them? Look, I would **** you, I just haven't washed my hands since petting a dog. I don't want to do that to you. Smells like an Aquarius. What's that? Not you, though? All the other Aquariuses, yeah. The quiet ones, yeah. What's your name? Amelia. Man, I wish you would disappear like Earhart. I really do. I really wish. Are you in school? Yeah. Flight school? No. What are you in school for? Business. Yeah. Like, minding your own? What do you want to do with a business degree? I don't know. You don't know? You don't know what you want to do when you grow up? I don't know. No ideas? I want to be rich. You just want to be rich. Nursing. Nursing, you will be rich. For sure. I don't know if you're Filipino enough to make it, but... I'm Hungarian. You're what? Hungarian. Hungarian? Well, my parents are. Your parents are from Hungary? And their daughter's from Thirsty? Oh, you two match! You guys are matching snakeskin boots! It's both snakeskin? Python, yeah. Python? **** yeah. None of those Gardner snake bitches. You're coupled up, obviously you're matching. Nice. How long? Five years. Five years? Five years. What'd you meet? In North Carolina. In North Carolina? That's specific. Where? We met at a bar. You met at a bar? Well, yeah. I was... underage and drunk. Hey, stop talking, stop talking, stop talking, stop talking. We were under 21. Under 21. Okay. I'm sorry. You almost ruined the show. He approached you or you approached him? I don't remember. You don't remember? Also not a good sign. What do you guys do? Basket weaver. Basket weaver? What the ****, man? You married to a fuckin' hunter-gatherer? What the ****? You work for the fuckin' Easter money, dog? That's actually how we got her at the bar. He just laid down a trail of eggs. It was like... And then he had one of those big picnic baskets up on a stick like this and then she went underneath it and he went ah, got her. Like a fuckin' Looney Tune. How long you been doing that for? Five years. Five years? Did she take your fuckin' manhood, dog? What did you do beforehand? Work at a steel mill? Cole Munch. Cole Munch? Are you serious? The man made you start weaving baskets. Sorry. Do you like it? Come on, man. It's just us. You enjoy the job? It's fine? It's alright. What would you like to do? If you could do anything in the entire world? Any job? Fly helicopters. Fly a helicopter? Interesting. I used to love helicopters, but I'm also a Lakers fan. And you know what's fucked up? He's wearing a black mamba on his feet. Can I see one of the boots? Are you able to take one of them off? It's the real deal, man. Smell is boo. What the ****'s wrong with you, man? Jesus Christ. This is so stupid. I was gonna say my whatever. But as we know, there's a reason you put up with crazy ---- in a relationship, right? Pussy. Yo. I can't see you, but I wanna believe that was God. You know what I mean? You're 52? Who you here with, man? Oh, ----. 17 years? What's your name, man? Troy. Great to meet you, Troy. Why are you telling me that? That seemed like a setup, didn't it? What's up? I'm Troy. Been married 17 years. Had a 16-year-old daughter. Don't mind the math on that. Definitely got married to the force. But she's fine as **** and ready to mingle. Why do you, like, why do you pitch your family like it's the beginning of an episode of Next on MTV? Remember that ----? What's up? I'm Troy. I'm 52. I love pussy. And I got married because she got pregnant. What would you say is the key to keeping things fresh and exciting after 17 years, though? Space. I know she means, like, personal space, but I want to believe, like, they only jerk off to, like, videos of the Milky Way. You know what I mean? They just **** to, like, audiobooks by Neil deGrasse Tyson. Like, nah, you ever **** to space? I don't want to hear about your wife's black holes, dog. I'm alright. Black dudes are the funniest people in the world. But that's a black dude for sure. I know what black dudes laugh. That's all I did all of February. I just fell asleep to black dudes laughing, man. Like, that was my ASMR. That brings me such joy. What's your name, bro? Who you here with? I've never been more sure somebody's been a side chick in my life. Black dudes answer you without even answering. They really do. Who you here with? What was that? Ain't nobody's camera's out. You alright, man. You okay. But don't start no ----, man. Cause I'll ******* boom, got your ass. Got you on camera, boy. Suspicious. Oh, man. I hope I get a side chick someday. Just go do all the things I'm not supposed to in public and ----. One more time? That's your main girl? Yeah, you felt the need to reiterate that? Yeah, just to make sure. What's that? You almost got you in some ----, man. Okay, this is your one and only girlfriend. Don't do that. Don't sit down. Alright, sit down. Stop making this woman think Tori fucked you. Okay, do not do that. Don't say that. No, you don't. You don't know who's sitting back there. Who's the girl you know? I know Britney. You know Britney? He broke up with Britney forever ago. Right? Next subject. What, you don't like talking about black history? Chapter one. Britney. You said everybody knows Britney? Britney sounds like a hoe now. Everybody knows her? Hey, Tori. Don't say that. What's that? It's for you. It's a Build-A-Bear. That's for me? What is it? It's a Build-A-Bear. You got me a Build-A-Bear? Why? It's a voice message to it. It has a voice message? From your show where you said if someone got you a Build-A-Bear. Oh my God. So I did a TikTok one time where the girl in the audience was saying it was a red flag that a guy brought her a Build-A-Bear on a first date. And I said in the video I was like, I would love if somebody brought me a Build-A-Bear. So you brought me one? Yeah. I got to do more jokes about getting my dick sucked. ****, man. What am I doing with all this cute ----? Oh, God. Thanks, I guess. This is so sweet. Thank you. Oh, your numbers are on here. It might still have you. We can use them for clean up. Can I take him out of here? Yeah. This is so cute. Aww. You didn't really you didn't spring to get him any clothes? That's kind of the whole you didn't really build the bear. You just kind of you kind of just looks like you stole one. Kind of. There's a voicemail in it? Press the ball? What if I press it and she's like I want you to **** off. That sucks. I can't lie. That's not incredibly audible but it's a thought that counts. Thank you so much. This is this is one of the sweetest, laziest gifts in the world. Thank you. Aww. Back and there you go. There we go. I'm from like the middle of Missouri a place called St. Clair, Missouri which means thank you. Really? You're the only one that got out. Oh my gosh. If there's a tractor parked out front I'm like, I know her. This is my security in case any of y'all on your Will Smith ---- right now like getting offended running up on stage keep my wife's name out your ******* hands. Never mind. Whatever. That's such a cool skill, man. This is like you solving imaginary Rubik's cubes. That's killing ----. Is uh anybody gay? Anybody at all? Anybody? Anybody in the vicinity? I know you good with your hands, dog. I know it, dog. I know it. This man will jerk you off with a poem. You're so sweet. I've just never been in this position before. This is so much fun. Oh, the sacrifice. The ****? Did my interpreter just get gentrified? I don't understand. Who um who are you signing for? I don't even know. No, it is not you, bitch. You've been here on the whole show for sure. You make us wish we were all deaf to be honest. You don't sound deaf at all. This just seems so extra. What was your name? Nicole. Great to meet you, Nicole. How did you um how did you hear about the show? Um, ****. No, no, no, no, no, no. Nice to meet you guys. This is so exciting. Thanks for coming. I just wanted to know. Sounds like you don't need to be here to be honest. Everybody be nice. Especially you feisty. I like your energy a lot. I'll come back there and take your ******* batteries out. I swear to God. I'll turn you off. Y'all gotta chill the **** out, man. If I have her sign something will you relay it verbally? You didn't know this was deaf comedy jam, did you? You didn't know. First off, no you're not a church. I am sorry but I know what I look like, okay? I'm acutely aware. If I come up here with an acoustic guitar it's over. Yeah. How great is our God? Like you can you guys can see it and I get it. There's also police officers here. I met a uh Officer Swindell. Did you meet Officer Swindell? Oh, is that his wife? Oh man, he said you take forever to calm. He said that before the show. And he dared me that I wouldn't say it at the show. You seriously gotta work on that. That's his trigger finger and it really like he's gotta Oh man. Now he said you guys have great sex. He said he beats it up like you fit a description. He said sometimes he lets her wear the bulletproof vest and everything. They won't play. She puts on the bulletproof vest and then she's a teacher. Teacher. Sorry, I'm not one of your students. My bad. Sorry, my bad. That's not even the last school shooting joke of the show. You lived in a crematory? Why do you know that? Who the **** just knows that statistic? Nerd. It's right next to a nursing home? The convenience. Beth. There's a cemetery by the children's hospital? Come on, Pennsylvania. Have a ******* heart, man. You do not put a cemetery next to a ******* children's hospital. You put it next to the school. I told you there was one more. I ******* told y'all, man. I didn't know where or how it was gonna go. But we *******, we found it. Alright, that's the last one. Probably. Anybody gay? Oh, really? Oh, yeah. I can't see your haircut in the car, but yeah. Oh, yeah. How long have you been a lesbian? Biologically, what were you born? Female. I appreciate ----. What's your name? Carla. Charlie, for you go by Axel. Ooh. That's a gangster-ass name. How'd you land on Axel? You let your best friend pick your name? Oh, my God. I could never. My best friend would be like, your name is Baby Dick. You chose the name? How'd you land on Axel? Now you feel like a transmission. So you're the ******* best. Oh, my goodness. Thank you for being such a sweetheart. We should go get some bitches after this. Let's go. Who were you married to? Male, female? Another trans guy. Same situation, biologically? Okay, gotcha. Why didn't it work out? Shut the **** up. You were taking care of him because he was paralyzed. What had happened to him that he was paralyzed? A muscle disease. And he met her through TikTok. And he was DMing her like, will I ever walk again? And the medium was like, yeah, you about to walk out on your marriage. Where'd you meet him? No way. What's that? Do you have a stage name? Gunner Down. Hello, meter. With Gunner Down as the name, I picture you going like full Rambo. Just shirtless. And then you come out, your big line is like, you know I stay strapped. And you pull out a pull out a strap on him. Axl, you're such a sweetheart. One more time for Axl, everybody.