My First Year as a Kindergarten Teacher | Brian Moote Stand-Up Comedy

I was like, oh, stop crying. That tooth was going to come out anyway, buddy. The guy who cross-country skis to work on a snow day is the same kid who, in your third grade class, wanted to remind the teacher that she had homework to collect like five minutes before the end of the school day. Do you remember that kid? Because you didn't do it, and you're like, oh, please don't ask. We're almost home free. And all of a sudden, you just feel that annoying hand fire up. Mrs. Carter! Mrs. Carter, you have a word search you forgot to collect. Well, heavens to Betsy, Stephen, thank you. I almost let you guys scurry out of here without collecting that. Ooh, Mrs. Carter! Brian keeps looking at me and doing this with his crayon. Sharpened it, too, with a little right there on the back of the crayon box. I'm learning how to drive a snowplow, Stephen. Watch your back. Big blade. I taught for a year. I taught kindergarten for a year. And, yes, that's about the reaction I get. Yeah, yeah. That's how you know it's a tough job, though, when you talk about it like a prison sentence. I did a year. I did a year in education. Then I got out. Yeah. So if you're a teacher, bless your heart. Thank you. You deserve it. All you educators absolutely deserve it. I was not good. Not good at education. I used to take the kids outside all the time because I needed a break, a mental health break for me. Do a little outside learning. And I would invent games that were super fun. I invented a game called kick the playground ball as high as I can and pay someone $5 to catch it. You know those rubber ones? Oh, the sound they make when they ping off a child's face. Oh! Oh, it made college worth it. I was like, oh, stop crying. That tooth was going to come out anyway, buddy. Just made you $5 when you get home running out of those things. The school I worked at was in, like, an inner-city area, and we had, like, kind of a sketchy woods near a fence. And I used to take the kids on little nature walks, just the outside, because you have to keep them moving, right? Like, kindergartners, you got to keep them on the move at all times. As soon as you stop, they start rattling in their desks like tiny little rockets. And then I'm like, where is your other shoe? How did you lose a shoe? How come kids can't keep both shoes? Like, you're walking around like, oh, I don't even know. You don't know? What do you mean you don't know? Your shoe just fell off. You're like, I'm not going to need that one. Who cares? I'm a one-shoe kind of guy. When they were walking out by those woods, and there was, like, a bunch of homeless dudes or unhoused or whatever, I don't know what their situation was. I don't want to get canceled for calling them what they are, but they weren't in a house! Covering all bases here. Let's just say that they look like pirates, and that's what I told the kids they were, okay? That's what I told them. They all look like pirates. Argh! Captain Jack Sparrow quarter. You know what I mean? Kind of like that kind of... We came up with fun names. One day we're walking along the fence line, and one of my kids goes, yo, Mr. B, this dude is dead! And I look over, and I was like, whoop, yeah, he's dead. Uh, that's a dead guy. Look, I'm not a doctor, but he didn't look... Yeah, he was dead. He was not a live person anymore. So I'm panicking. I'm like, oh! And I run the kids inside, because we're not even supposed to be outside right now. Got a bit of a situation on my hands that I got to deal with, and I call the front office, the secretary answers, and I go, hey, we just found a dead guy on the playground. And she goes, how long has he been there? And I was like, way before we got there. Way... Oh, way before. I've got 29 witnesses that said we had nothing to do with it right now. 28, one of them's a wild card, but 28 witnesses I can count on. 29 of them willing to get airheads, you know what I mean? I'm going to have to barter with some of these little guys. So she's like, no, I got to tell the paramedics how long... And I'm like, he's super dead, so just go ahead and tell them if they got other stops that they're good. You know what I mean? Look, I'm not going to do their routing for them, you know what I mean? If there's other emergencies, it's not imminent, is all I'm trying... Look, I don't know, you know when you order Uber and you're like, oh, they got to stop first? Someone had an emergency. But then I'm like, look, this is your moment. That's a big deal, right? I mean, I was rattled. I'm a grown-up in theory, and I was rattled. I was rattled, and I was like, oh, my God. Whatever they say, whatever you say to these kids right now, they're going to remember forever. Whatever their teacher said the day they found the dead guy. And so, yeah, yeah, yeah. I watch Dangerous Minds, I know. I mean, this is serious. Like, this is impactful. So they're, like, taking me, and I'm like, all right, guys, come on in here. Come on, get in. Come on, get in here! Don't ruin my moment! I'm like, guys, look. I know we just found something. It's very serious, and you're probably all kind of scared right now, but I just don't want you to be scared. You don't have to end up like that dead guy. Look, no, I don't want you to be scared. We don't know what decisions in life he made to end up, like, so dead like that. You know, so super dead, like, way dead. We don't know what he did. You don't have to follow in those footsteps. You know, we don't know. Like, just say maybe, maybe he didn't listen to his kindergarten teacher. Choice is yours, guys. I mean, really, honestly. And then one of them goes, oh, he probably just overdosed on crack and died. And then this other kid goes, you can't overdose on crack, dummy. Only cocaine. And I was like, I don't know the answer to that question, okay? I don't. I'm gonna Google that. I'll get back to you. I realized it was a job that wasn't for me in my 20s for a lot of reasons. One, I believe the American dream is finding a job that you can do with a hangover. Just slide right in there, do the bare minimum with a hangover. You can't teach with a hangover. Can't. Because when you're teaching with a hangover, you're not just giving up on your dreams that day. You're giving up on everybody's dreams that day. Nobody's dreams are happening today. And there's only so many movie dates you're allowed to have in a row before the administration starts asking some, well, frankly, pretty nosy questions about your personal life, and not a fan. Hey, Brian, why you dry even in the trash can today? Today's a life lessons day, all right? About two for one margaritas at happy hour. It's college prep work. That's what we're doing. It's college prep. It's tough when you're young. Cinco de Mayo, big drinking day when you're teaching, you're out. Say so de Mayo, big movie day. I'm a bilingual educator. Say so de Mayo. One of the kids I had was a genius. He still is a genius. He was a genius then. He's still a genius now. He had Asperger's, and he was very brilliant, and he graduated from MIT in Boston, which is like a prestigious technological school? Look, he graduated at 16. He would have done it at 15 had I not been involved. As you can tell, I can't even pronounce the school. He would have definitely been on his way a little bit faster had it not been for that first year. So we all have a routine, right? Everyone has a routine in the morning. You get your coffee at the right place. It's got to be the right kind. You have stoplights, the routes, traffic, and when your day is off, you just don't. You're just not functioning the same way. So sometimes when he was a little stressed out in the morning to get rolling, he'd just sit by my desk, and just he'd listen to a little song. Just kind of listen to a little song on a tiny little speaker, and not bothering anybody. No one in the class. We're just getting things rolling, but it wasn't the same entire song. It was the same front end eight seconds of the same song. Like over and over again very quietly so only I can hear. Right? So sometimes my mornings would start off like this. How did we end up like this? Why weren't we able? How did we end up like this? Why weren't we able? How did we end up like this? Why were we able? How did we end? What? What weren't you able to do? Do you know what kind of a wild world that is to live in where I'm not worried about anything but Nickelback trying to accomplish something? A lot of you are worried about it now too. You're wondering you're going to have to go home tonight and look it up. I would tell you, but I want you to know what I experienced.