She can cry: dealing with an emotional woman

I'm Dr. Orion Terriban, and this is Psych Hacks, Better Living Through Psychology, and the topic of today's short talk is, she can cry. She can cry. She's allowed to, and you don't have to do anything about it. She has a right to her emotions, doesn't she? If she were happy, or peaceful, or satisfied, you wouldn't feel the need to do anything about it, would you? She has a right to feel happy, and peaceful, and satisfied, and trying to change those emotions when they're present is tacitly arguing that there is something wrong with feeling them. And there's nothing wrong with them. She has a right to feel however she wants. And if she wants to feel happy, or peaceful, or satisfied, what's it to you, my dude? By the same token, she has a right to feel sad. And trying to change that emotion when it's present is tacitly arguing that there is something wrong about feeling sad. And there is nothing wrong about feeling sad. She has a right to feel however she wants. And if she wants to feel sad, what's it to you, my dude? You don't need to do anything about it. And yet, and yet, so many men feel that they do, in fact, have to do something about it. There are few things more distressing for a man than to see a woman he cares about, his wife, his sister, his daughter, crying. The sight of her tears can fill him with so much guilt, and pain, and discomfort, irrespective of why she's crying, that some men will literally do anything in their power to try to get her to stop. They'll offer her the world, they'll do a funny little dance, they'll promise to do things that they have never honestly wanted to do in their entire lives, they'll make commitments far beyond their level of interest or investment, et cetera, et cetera. Most people have what I call a thumbscrew. A thumbscrew is an emotion that, for whatever reason, they find particularly difficult to tolerate, and which, therefore, is where they are most vulnerable to emotional manipulation. And for many men, their thumbscrew is a crying woman, or, more accurately, the guilt and discomfort that arise in them when they see a crying woman. And while it's useful for all men to reconcile themselves to a woman's distress, it is absolutely essential for these men, the ones with the relevant thumbscrew, to do so. Why? Because offering some kind of benefit, whether it's the provision of a desired good through positive reinforcement, or the elimination of an undesired ill through negative reinforcement, when a woman cries, will absolutely make it more likely that she will cry more in the future. This will happen whether or not the woman is intentionally manipulative, as reinforcement contingencies don't have to be conscious in order to operate. As always, we have to be very careful about what we choose to reinforce in a relationship. Now, in the vast majority of cases, the appropriate response to a woman's tears is nothing. That's right. Nothing. You don't have to do a damn thing. Just let her feel her feelings. Your emotions are your responsibility, and her emotions are her responsibility. She's a big girl. You don't have to rush in and help an adult self-regulate. Like where does that impulse come from in you, my dude? And this is true even if she's bad at self-regulation. After all, how else is she going to learn how to do it? And trust me, emotional self-regulation is something that every adult human being, man or woman, needs to learn how to do for themselves. When a woman cries, you don't have to do anything. Your action should be predicated on your own moral values and responsibilities, not her emotions. I'll say that again. Your action should be predicated on your own moral values and responsibilities, not her emotions. As a therapist, I'm here to reassure you that no one has ever died from their sadness. People have, of course, died from the action their sadness motivated them to take, but no one has died from experiencing the feeling itself. I have seen many, many people, men and women, cry. The survival rate so far has been 100%. If you're interested in taking your understanding to the next level, I would encourage you to check out The Captain's Quarters, my members-only self-improvement community. Your monthly membership will get you access to a cadre of like-minded, supportive individuals, bi-monthly group consultation sessions hosted by yours truly, and exclusive content that you won't find anywhere else. Click the link in the description for more information. Hope to see you aboard. You know what all this means? It means she's gonna be okay. Women cry for all kinds of reasons. In many cases, the distress that comes up in you at seeing her cry might be greater than whatever distress she's experiencing that's motivating her to tears. Just wait. Some women are like the weather on a mountain. They change every 15 minutes. They can be warm and sunny in the morning, violent and stormy in the afternoon, and freezing cold at night. Believing the weather you're currently experiencing on a mountain will persist through time, irrespective of what weather that might be, is foolish. Don't mistake the weather for the climate. When you encounter inclement weather on a mountain, there's generally nothing you can do about it. But if you just hold tight a little bit, the situation will very likely soon change into something else. And the more intense the weather, the more quickly it will change. Catch my drift? Again, in the majority of cases, you don't have to do anything. You don't have to be callous and derisive. You don't have to explain why she has nothing to feel sad about. That definitely won't work. And you certainly don't have to move heaven and earth to remove the perceived source of her unhappiness. Just let her cry. Of course, every once in a while, it will be appropriate to take action when a woman cries. And the best way to determine whether this might be one of those instances is to cultivate what I call your dad sense. Let me explain what this means. Every man who has raised small children will know what I'm talking about. The kid will be skipping around the yard without a care in the world. And then suddenly, wham, she falls and skins her knee. And at that point, she'll start crying to kind of capture dad's attention. And she's doing that, whether she's aware of it or not, because she doesn't know if she's seriously injured. She's seeking dad's reaction to know how she should feel about her own sensations. And this is where dad sense comes in. In this situation, dad has to very quickly judge what's going on and determine whether or not action is necessary. If she's just skinned her knee, most dads will likely respond with something like, oh, it's okay, sweetie. You're all right. We all fall down from time to time. Just come on. Let's get back up. You're doing good. And in many cases, that reaction, which is largely a non-reaction to her tears, will help her regulate her emotional state appropriately. And she'll dry her eyes and get back to her play. On the other hand, if dad judges the situation and determines that action is necessary, he can then perform the appropriate response and provide the necessary redress. But this is actually fairly rare. And to be honest, the scariest thing for a dad is not when he hears a crash followed by a cry, it's when he hears a crash followed by nothing at all. And this is important to keep in mind when dealing with a crying woman. The biggest pains and the most urgent crises are not associated with tears. So if she's crying, and what's more, she's crying in your presence, it might not actually be that bad. Like, it's unlikely to be a life-changing emotional wound that would require you to move mountains to redress. There are no tears for the deepest hurts. So when a woman you care about is crying, use your dad's sense. Is there actually a problem here? If not, then take no action. If so, ask yourself, is this problem rooted in my behavior? Did I do something I said I wouldn't do? Did I not do something I said I would do? Is this problem my responsibility regardless? If not, then take no action. And of course, if the answer to any of those questions is yes, then take appropriate action. Imagine she is disappointed. Well, if you didn't make a commitment to do or not do something, who disappointed her? Or imagine she doesn't like something about you. Well, if you're not doing anything hurtful or morally reprehensible, whose fault is that? She picked you. And anyway, she's welcome not to like everything about you. I'm sure you don't like everything about her either. Neither person has the responsibility to change simply to suit the other person's preferences. Does she want to spend more time with you? What a beautiful testament to her affection. What do you want her to say? Eh, whatever. I could really go either way if I ever see you again. Like it's a sign of her love. Why would you want to take that from her? When confronted with a crying woman, use your dad sense. But in general, the best response is to simply let her cry. Pay attention to whatever comes up inside of you. And if necessary, examining why you find a crying woman so distressing and intolerable might be an interesting line of inquiry for you to go down. You could learn something very important about yourself. What do you think? Does this fit with your own experience? Let me know in the comments below. And please, send this episode to someone who you think might benefit from its message. I know you know somebody who fits this bill and it's word of mouth referrals like this that really help to make the channel grow. Other value props, anyone looking to join my free weekly newsletter for which I write original content or book a paid one-on-one consultation with yours truly can do so on my website. There's also my best-selling book, The Value of Others, in which I explore deeply intersexual dynamics between men and women, and my private member community, The Captain's Quarters, where among other things I host bi-monthly group consultation calls with interesting folks from all over the planet. The links to everything are in the description below. Check them out if you are so inclined. Lots of good resources there. As always, I appreciate your support and thank you for listening.