My Wife is Late to EVERYTHING | Andy Woodhull Stand-up Comedy

And that's how my wife beats me in arguments. She just denies that she's doing the thing I said I was mad about and I don't know how to fight back against that. My wife and I are late to everything. It's a big problem in our relationship. It's at a point now where if we have to be somewhere at 6, she tells me we have to be there at 5.30 in order to trick us into being on time. And it never works. And the reason why it never works is because I'm not the problem. That's why it doesn't work. All tricking me does is make me mad for an extra half hour every time we're running late for something. We're running late for the movies. I went to check on my wife and she was painting her fingernails. And my initial response is anger because it's dark in a movie theater. No one's even going to know what you've done. We could paint your face before we head out tonight and no one would know. But I don't say anything because it's my wife. It's the woman that I picked out of all the women on the planet to spend my life with. And I'm a little concerned at how few of you laughed at that. That was... That was meant to be a joke. That's a ridiculous thing to say. Picked out of all the women on the planet? Most of the women didn't even have a chance to interview for the position. Picked her out of a different group. I picked her out of the women that live near me and would say yes if I asked them to marry me. It's a much smaller group. It still means something to me. You know, I love my wife so when I see her painting her fingernails, I keep my mouth shut. I just accept this is the life that I've chosen for myself. I live a life where I never know what's coming soon to a theater near me. And then I looked to see what color she was painting her fingernails and she was painting them clear. And then my brain exploded. Are you even doing anything? Because it looks like you're pretending to paint your fingernails. If you need me, I'll be in the front yard mowing it with a bubble maker. You let me know when you're ready. I got so many bubbles to pop out here. She told me she painted them clear because it makes her fingernails shiny and she likes them to be shiny. And I support her in that decision. I want them to be shiny too. I just feel like we could have achieved the same results by ordering popcorn at the movie theater. One large popcorn, extra butter, no napkins, we got a look we're going for. She's late to everything. One time, my wife was late to watch Netflix in our own home. And that should be impossible because Netflix starts whenever you want. We picked out a movie and then she goes, don't start it yet, I have to go to the bathroom. And then about a half hour later, I'm just sitting there by myself wondering what's happened to my wife. I go looking for her. I found her in the shower. And I said, why would you take a shower when you know I'm waiting in the other room by myself, staring at a blank screen like a moron. And she said, I'm not taking a shower, I'm rinsing off. And that's how my wife beats me in arguments. She just denies that she's doing the thing I said I was mad about and I don't know how to fight back against that. I'm not smart enough. I have 37 years of life experience leading me to believe that what I'm seeing right now is called a shower. You just told me that it wasn't. I don't know where we go from here. You're in a shower. You're naked. There's water. How is this not a shower? If you were rinsing off, you'd be in a colander. I'd be holding you under the sink. Just like a bunch of grapes trying to get the pesticides off. That's how she always wins. We were on a road trip one time and she fell asleep. And I said, honey, you gotta wake up. I'm sleepy too. I want you to talk to me. And she said, I'm not asleep. I'm resting my eyes. Alright. Are you also airing out your throat? Why has your mouth been open for the last 15 miles? You should start chewing because you have three gummy bears in your mouth that you don't even know about. That's how I've been staying awake. I'm over here shooting threes with the yellow gummy bears. Just trying to stay alert. I would have kept going but I'm only giving you the gross flavors. You think you're gonna get a red one? You're not even awake. You're out of your mind. I mentioned my girls already. They're my stepdaughters. I'm a stepdad. Stepdad took over the lease on a couple of girls a few years back. Thank you very much. Are there other step parents here? Any other broken homes? Just a few? Good. Glad you were able to come out. Where's the stepdad at? Somebody raise your hand if you're a stepdad. Right back there. I said raise your hand. You clap. I mean, you guys still appreciate it. How many stepkids do you have, sir? One. Great. Are you and your wife gonna have more, do you think? Got one on the way. Congratulations. Good for you. Isn't that amazing? It's amazing. I think that's fun. I would love to have more too. I would love to have more and I would probably love them more than the old ones. Don't you think that that would be true? I mean, probably. Of course not on purpose. Of course you would do your best to love them exactly the same. And they would never even know unless they watched this special. I would do my best to love them exactly the same. I'm just admitting that I'm a human and there's a small chance that I would love the new ones more and there's nothing that I could do about it. And for those of you looking at me, being judgmental right now, why don't you pretend for a moment that you spent your whole life wanting to have a boat. You wanted to grow up and be a boat owner and then one year you married someone that had a boat and it was everything you thought it was gonna be. And you loved that boat and you helped take care of it. And then the next year, you made your own boat using nothing but your genitals. Which one are you gonna be more excited about? That's all I'm trying to say. It's not, I don't I don't even think it makes you a bad person. I think it's just a pride of workmanship type thing. And of course you loved the old boat. You loved the old boat forever because that's the boat that let you know that you enjoy being the captain of a ship. But if there was a hurricane and you only had time to save one of your boats from the harbor you know which one you would pick. It's a lot of pressure being a step parent. It's a lot of pressure. I love the responsibility but it's a lot of responsibility. I walk around with a weight on my shoulders every day of responsibility. Just knowing that I'm the third person on an emergency contact list. That's terrifying. Being one's not a big deal. Number one's not a big deal but number three, if they call me that means there's been an emergency and it's been going on for a long time. It's probably multiple emergencies if they make it to my name on the list. There's not even a line on the form for step dad. That's a writing candidate on the back of the form. I'm third in line to be in charge of these kids. I'm like the speaker of the house. If it's me some big stuff has happened.